Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the McKenzies and friends belong to me; Cat Madden belongs to Carol Trendall and is used with permission. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.
Nemesis
By Cassandra Hope
(Copyright October 1997)
"We had learned to discriminate by its noise, long before we could see a rapid, whether it was filled with rocks, or was merely a descent of big water. The latter, often just as impressive as the former, had a sullen, steady boom; the rock rapids had the same sound, punctuated by another sound, like the crack of regiments of musketry."
Ellsworth Kolb--Through the Grand Canyon from Wyoming to Mexico
D
awn crept upon the camp at Havasu Creek. Phil sat hunched over the small fire and watched the pot of coffee. Occasionally she stirred the embers of the fire with a stick but, mostly, she stared into the depths of the flames. Sleep had eluded her and finally she had given up and arisen long before dawn.Tumultuous thoughts of the previous night were uppermost in her mind. She had actually kissed Ben and, she admitted to herself, enjoyed it. For the first time since this trip began, she had felt at ease with him. Even when he held her and kissed her, she had felt at ease.
Why was she doing this to herself? Only more hurt and pain could come from this. She didn't love him anymore; she loved Martin. She buried her eyes in the sleeve of her shirt. She could hear Ben's clear voice speaking softly in her thoughts. 'I've had problems...'
So what if he had problems? Everyone had problems. She had problems. That was nothing new. 'I think I started to lose my mind...' Ben's voice whispered to her. Could she really believe that he had missed her so much that it affected his sanity? Did he really dream of her?
Phil's dreams had died years ago. Oh, every once in awhile, one raised its head, but she had learned how to suppress it and beat it back into that dark corner of her mind where her memories of Benton Fraser resided. Did she want to open that corner? Did she want Ben back in her life? Could she chance being hurt again? Why was he here? Why did Colin have to have that attack of appendicitis on this trip? Why was she here?
"Phil!!! What are you doing up? Why it's not even 5:30!"
Startled, Phil raised her face to Travis. Momentarily at a loss for words, she finally stammered, "I couldn't...I couldn't sleep so I...I decided to fix the coffee."
Travis sat beside her and slipped an arm around her slight frame. "Don't worry about Lava Falls. You'll make it through just fine."
Once more startled eyes flew to Travis' face. He thought she was worried about Lava Falls? Well, at least that excuse was better than telling him she was thinking about Ben. She dropped her eyes once more and stirred the embers of the fire with her stick. "I hope you're right, Travis. I'd like to make it through just once in my life."
Travis squeezed her shoulder. "You'll do just fine."
Ben lay with his back to the fire. He listened to the soft sounds coming from the direction of the fire. Phil's dulcet voice drifted to him in the still air of the morning. He closed his eyes and let his thoughts wander that familiar path in his mind to his memories of Phil and the love they had shared. How could he have been so stupid all those years ago? How could he have mistaken what he felt for Victoria for love? He knew what love was. Phil had shown him that many years ago. Yet, he had thrown it away for Victoria. He felt the moisture collect at the corner of his eye and trickle down his face to moisten his pillow. How could he have been such a fool?
Stealthily he wiped at his eyes, removing the evidence of his disquiet. He slipped out of his sleeping bag and made his way over to the fire. He wasn't the only one awakening in the camp and soon the early morning crew was gathered around the fire drinking Phil's coffee and teasing her about Lava Falls.
* * *
Phil stood beside the
Glen Canyon and answered questions about the trip for that day. Fielding the last one, she opened Powell's journal and began reading:August 25--We make twelve miles this morning, when we come to monuments of lava, standing in the river; low rocks, mostly, but some of them shafts more than a hundred feet high...Great quantities of cooled lava and many cinder cones are seen on either side; and then we come to an abrupt cataract. Just over the fall, on the right wall, a cinder cone, or extinct volcano, with a well defined crater, stands on the very brink of the canyon...From this volcano vast floods of lava have been poured down into the river, and a stream of the molten rock has run up the canyon, three or four miles, and down, we know not how far. Just where it poured over the canyon wall is the fall...
What a conflict of water and fire there must have been here! Just imagine a river of molten rock, running down into a river of melted snow. What a seething and boiling of the waters; what clouds of steam rolled into the heavens!
Thirty-five miles today. Hurrah! ***
Pausing for a moment, she glanced at the faces turned toward her. A slow smile brightened her face. "Lava Falls awaits us. Let's not disappoint it."
* * *
A million years ago the western part of the Canyon was alive with volcanic activity. The Canyon was already in existence and probably looked much like it did on the day Phil's group negotiated it. However, a million years ago, a series of volcanic vents on the northern plateaus poured forth red-hot streams of lava to cascade over the lip of the Canyon making a dam about 1400 feet high. The lava dam created a lake in the Canyon about 180 miles long.
Phil enjoyed discussing the evolution of the Canyon with anyone who was willing to listen. Not too surprising, today it was Benton Fraser who shared her seat and discussed the volcanics with her. Ray glanced over his shoulder at the couple in the stern of the dory and grimaced. He was glad that he didn't have to act like he was interested in what was being discussed. Rocks, sheesh, he'd had enough rocks to last him a lifetime. How could anyone be that interested in dirt? He shook his head and turned back to watch the river.
"That's Vulcan's Anvil," Phil called to the others as the boats neared the prominent rock tower in the river. "Most geologists believe that it's a volcanic neck--the solidified core of an extinct volcano."
Another smaller group was already investigating the Anvil and as Phil's group drew even with them the leader of the other group hailed Travis. Travis waved back and ceased rowing when it became apparent that the other man wanted to talk with him. The
Glen Canyon drifted nearer to the raft and the kayak."Howdy," the man spoke with a Texas drawl, "ya'll headed for Lava Falls?"
Travis nodded his head. "That's the general idea."
"How bad is it?"
Travis sighed deeply. "If I had a choice I'd go around it."
"Damn, that's what we'd heard." The man removed his baseball cap and swept an arm across his brow, grimacing slightly.
Concerned, Travis asked, "Have you negotiated anything similar to Lava Falls?"
"Nope, just started rafting last year--kinda preparing for this trip. Me and the family applied for our permit years ago. Didn't think we'd ever get it but we did and here we are!"
"What's the problem?" Terry asked as he drew the
Grand Canyon level with the Glen Canyon. The remainder of the crafts bunched near them."This group hasn't been through anything like Lava Falls," Phil called across the distance to Terry.
The kayak bumped against the
Hetch Hetchy as it crowded closer to the dories. "Hey, man, how are things cooking?" the young man asked."Danny, leave them alone," the Texan called. "Ya'll have to pardon my son. He gits like that around a purty girl. My name's Curtis Hill by the way. This here's my wife, Sally, and that's our boy, Danny."
Travis shared a look with his brother. It was all too apparent that Danny had eyes for Mara. The girl, in turn, basked in the attention she was getting.
Curtis coughed loudly then spoke again. "We were wondering if we could hook up with ya'll until we get through Lava Falls." His voice rose slightly in a question.
Travis nodded his head. "I think that would be a wise precaution, Mr. Hill. We can show you the best way to run Lava Falls although I would suggest very strongly that your son portage that kayak around the rapids."
"Ya see, boy, even the experts say ya gotta carry that thing around the rapid," Curtis called to his son.
"I hear ya, Pa."
"You can walk around with me," Mara leaned over the side of the dory and cooed at the smitten youth.
"Oh brother," Phil whispered and rolled her eyes. At least Danny was providing a distraction for Ben.
"Good, just fall in behind and follow us down," Travis called as he again took up the oars and began rowing.
The raft brought up the tail of the small flotilla but the kayak paced along side the
Hetch Hetchy. Everyone watched the black edifice of Vulcan's Anvil retreat behind them. The walls of the canyon drew closer together once more and the travelers stared ahead searching for the tell-tale ripple that indicated rough water ahead. Unfortunately the river still ran swiftly and calmly onward. Just knowing what was ahead was enough to cause several people to question the wisdom of coming on this trip--Ray among them. He glanced over his shoulder checking on Ben and Phil in the stern. They chatted together as if this was a Sunday stroll in the park. Ray faced forward once more. He wanted no surprises. The sound of the rapids grew louder.The small group of explorers beached their craft above the rapids and trooped out to inspect the whitewater before them. Lava Falls Rapids, generally considered one of the worst in the Canyon, did nothing to ease the fears of the group standing on its brink. It had earned its reputation by causing more upsets than any other rapids in the Canyon. In addition, the widespread knowledge that their erstwhile leader had never made it through added to the unease experienced by the group.
Lava Falls is about 80 yards wide and 300 yards long. It is rated somewhere above a 10, the most savage whitewater encountered by boatmen in North America. Stretched across the center third of the river is a shelf with a straight drop of 12 feet. To avoid capsizing, boatmen steer to one side or the other of the shelf. Near the shore on each side exists an opening where the drop is less severe but even in those openings there are giant boulders and deep holes and waves that appeared large enough to smother their small boats.
"Well, Phil, what do you think?" Carol asked as she came up behind her friend.
Phil turned a baleful glare on her friend. "I think I'm a glutton for punishment!" She shook her head and motioned toward the whitewater. "I don't know why this stretch still gives me the 'willies.'"
"Probably because it fucking knows you're afraid of it." Carol chuckled and patted Phil on the arm.
Phil grinned ruefully at Carol. "You're probably right." She glanced back at the rapids and her eyes took on a faraway look. A wistful smile played at the corner of her mouth. "Do you remember that first time we went through Lava Falls together?"
Carol smiled as well. "How could I forget? You pulled me in with you!"
Phil sighed deeply. "You're never going to let me forget that, are you?"
Carol's eyes sparkled as she shook her head no. "Not on your life, ya bastard."
Phil dropped her forehead into the palm of her left hand and slowly shook her head. Under her breath she muttered, "What did I ever do to deserve this?" She turned her face toward Carol and grinned as Carol chuckled at her remark. "Actually, I was thinking more about what happened afterwards."
"Oh..." Carol's features softened.
"Don't play Little Miss Innocent with me, Carol!" Phil wagged a finger in Carol's face.
"Who me?" Carol batted her eyelashes.
"Yes, you! You know damn well what I mean. I think that seeing you go over the side of the dory is what spurred Travis on." She shifted her gaze to the small group of boatmen, along with Ben and Ray, who were intently studying the rapids. She let her sight linger on Ben's tanned frame. Even in shorts and a T-shirt he was still the most handsome man she had ever seen. Something stirred in the region of her heart and the longing that swept over her was reflected in her eyes.
Carol watched Phil watch the men. She caught the fleeting expressions that passed across her face but when a look of intense longing settled there, she asked, "Phil?"
"Hmmm?"
Carol stepped in front of Phil, effectively blocking her view of Ben. "Phil, you look like a kid with her fucking nose pressed up against a toy store window at Christmas."
Startled, Phil's eyes dropped to Carol's feet. An unwelcome blush crept up into her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Carol. It's just that sometimes all those old feelings hit me and I want..." her husky voice trailed off.
Carol cocked her head. "You want what?" she gently asked.
Phil threw up her hands in disgust. Shrugging her shoulders, she turned away from the men. Stealing a quick glance over her shoulder, she experienced a gamut of perplexing emotions. "I don't know, Carol. I wish to heaven I did!" Her voice was shakier than she would have liked.
"What's up?" Josie joined the two women.
Carol smiled sympathetically at Phil before turning to her sister-in-law. "Nothing much except this arsehole here is having lustful thoughts about a certain member of this group."
"She's drooling over Ben again?" Josie tilted her head and placed her hands on her hips.
"Josie!" Phil exclaimed as both Carol and Josie broke into laughter. She shook her head vehemently in denial before hanging her head and admitting, "Okay. I'll admit it. But...can you blame me?"
"No, I can't say that I do. Just don't tell Terry that," Josie hastily added.
"Nor can I." Carol seconded Josie. "Your taste in men is impeccable, Phil. Take it from someone who knows!" The smile on Carol's face was directed at her husband.
Phil sighed and the longing reentered her voice. "It's just too bad I can't seem to find the right one for me."
"I think you have but you're too afraid to admit it," Josie said. She and Carol had discussed Phil's plight after she told them about Ben's and her relationship. They could understand Phil's attraction to the man. What they couldn't understand was her refusal to do anything about it.
Phil's silence was all the answer Carol and Josie needed. Phil might claim to love Martin, but her actions indicated otherwise.
* * *
Standing atop 'Spectator Rock', the group of boatmen studied the rapid. After much discussion, a route was decided for the raft.
Curtis turned from surveying the churning water. "What's the best way to navigate this one?"Terry motioned toward the river. "There are two ways: right or left. Straight down the middle guarantees a disaster."
"The middle of the river is a giant ledge," said Travis using his hands to illustrate. "A guaranteed flip. Our favorite run is to the left of that ledge which we can do at anywhere from 18,000 to 50,000 cubic feet per second. Unfortunately, we won't see that today."
Terry seconded that. "More likely we'll see slot water. Just to the right of the ledge is a slot about the width of a boat with another hole to the right of that. It's damn scary 'cause the hole below the main ledge is the nastiest place you could ever find yourself."
"Yeah, but if you do everything right, it's almost like a magical highway. It's like there's this little door that opens up and you shoot right on through." Travis' voice glowed with suppressed excitement.
"I guess we'll try the right way," Curtis volunteered. "See ya'll at the bottom." He tipped his hat and strode off to join his wife. The raft was launched and began its run through Lava Falls. The group on the bank cheered them on and in short time, the raft bounced through and, although there were times when it looked like both Curtis and his wife were being tossed from it, the couple made it through. A shout from downstream was echoed by Danny who had watched his parents maneuver through the rapid with Phil's group. He grabbed Mara and swung her around before dropping her back on the ground. He spun about and reached for Phil but she sidestepped his reach. She had no interest in being spun about unless it was by a certain Mountie. No, she didn't even want that!
"Those people were damn lucky. If you make an error of just a few inches you can get into real bad trouble," Terry commented as he wiped the sweat from his brow.
"I thought for sure they were going to end up in that hole. How they managed to get past that is beyond me!" Travis shook his head in amazement.
Terry chuckled and grinned slyly at his brother. Turning to Ben and Ray, he spoke in a conspiratorial tone of voice, "Travis knows from experience. He flipped in the slot last month. It's turned a lot of boats over." Terry grinned at his brother.
"So, basically, you hit the slot and ride it through?" Ben used his own hands to indicate the planned attack on the rapid.
Travis grimaced and, removing his hat, scratched the back of his head. "I wish it was that simple, Ben. It looks like slot water today. That means a series of gigantic, irregular V-shaped waves. We'll try to get into the apex of each one. After it knocks us around we'll try to straighten out for the next one. If we miss a little bit to one side or the other, we'll end up sideways into a wave. A guaranteed flip."
Terry added, "To top it off, these waves are very explosive. They break back on themselves anywhere from 6 to 15 feet high."
Replacing his hat, Travis motioned toward the slot. His jaws clenched, his eyes narrowed as he stared at the water, then he chuckled. "I wouldn't mind the right run so much if that was all there was to it."
A flash of shared memory flashed between the two brothers. "Amen," Terry added.
For Ben's benefit, Travis pointed downstream. "Down at the bottom is a giant chunk of black lava. It just sits there and eats boats. Right there on the edge of the wave train. Sometimes you can reach out and touch it as you go by."
"And sometimes you plow right into it. We lost the
Columbia on it last year.""That was my favorite boat, too," Travis mournfully remarked.
* * *
The group gathered around the boatmen listening as Travis spoke to them. "Folks, in all the years that Terry and I negotiated this river, we would never take a boat through Lava Falls if it could be avoided. Lava Falls is a beast."
"Is it really that bad? I mean, you've said that before and we've managed to get through," Ray asked the question that burned in the thoughts of each person.
"Have you ever watched a clothes dryer? That's what Lava Falls is like. The only difference between that clothes dryer and Lava Falls is that you won't be on the outside looking in. You'll be on the inside wishing you were out!" The group looked at him then at Phil looking for the customary half smile, but the smiles were not there.
"We have never encouraged anyone to attempt these rapids. Except for Spuds, that is." Phil grimaced slightly causing the group chucked at her expense. "If you have the tiniest bit of doubt about this...don't attempt it. Lava Falls makes Crystal look like your bathtub at home."
Terry seconded Travis' comments. "Folks, we have to take the dories through. You don't. Most people, at least the sane ones, elect to hike around the rapids. It's a lot safer."
Travis spoke up once more. "Those of you still game to try, let's load up." Half a dozen people made their way to the boats while the rest began the hike around the whitewater. Danny, carrying his kayak, and Mara had already disappeared down the trail around the rapid. At least he'd taken the advice of Travis and Terry and portaged around the rapid.
"Ray, you're going to try Lava Falls?" A genuine smile settled onto Ben's face.
Ray ducked his head and dug in the sand with the toe of his shoe. "Yeah, yeah. Remind me to get my head examined when we get back to civilization."
"Ray, Ray, Ray..." but Ben's comment was cut short by Travis.
"Okay. Let's see..." Travis' eyes raked over the small group at the boats. "Let's split everyone evenly among the boats."
Ray grinned when he found himself paired with Phil in the
Grand Canyon with Terry at the controls. Ben was paired with Jim Trexler in the Glen Canyon. The dories moved out into the river and lined up for their run. Left, of course, was a minefield of rocks. The holes in the middle and the V-waves on the right looked like a series of depth charges exploding in irregular patterns.The rafts were first through the maelstrom. As with Crystal, there were no mishaps. The
Flaming Gorge shot through and everyone held his or her breath as it maneuvered past the rock at the bottom. The Hetch Hetchy followed with no mishaps. Travis pulled the Glen Canyon into line for his run. Starting through, Ben and Jim clung to the sides of the dory as it fought its way through the whitewater. No one spoke. The noise of the water would have drowned any attempts anyway. Entering the rapids at what seemed to be a perfect place and angle, the dory suddenly plummeted headlong into a deep hole then pitched upward at an angle of almost 90 degrees. As the water closed over Ben's head he had a glimpse of Travis still rowing, his oars sweeping the air. In a moment the dory righted itself only to be swamped by a huge wave that broke over it and tipped it so far over on its side that it seemed certain to capsize.Ben's head was submerged again and when he could see daylight, he gulped in a lung full of air. The wild ride reminded him of a roller coaster--up one wave and down the back. Travis fought the current and the tiny boat trying to keep it aligned with the slot, but the river had other plans. One particularly vicious wave broke over the side of the
Glen Canyon whipping the boat around.Ben was buried under the wave as it washed over the dory. He caught a glimpse of Travis vainly trying to turn the boat. One of the oars was wrenched from his grasp and Ben reached to retrieve it. The second wave that crashed over the boat caught him by surprise and carried him
overboard. He barely had time to gulp some air before he was pulled under and twisted about by the violent current. He slammed into a rock on the bottom then fought his way to the surface. The water churned about him and he lost all sense of direction. Before he realized it was even there, he hit the bottom of the dory with enough force to knock the wind from his lungs. Choking on water, his last clear thought was of how would he explain this to Ray.
Phil stood in the
Grand Canyon and watched the progress of the Glen Canyon. When Ben went over the side she held her breath waiting for him to surface."Where is he?" Ray also anxiously watched the expanse of whitewater ahead.
"I don't know. He should have surfaced by now!" A cold fist of fear clutched at her heart. Where was Ben? She searched the seething expanse of water below her finally catching sight of Ben's life jacket. "There he is!" Her arm shot out as she pointed to the dark speck that was Ben's head.
Phil's joy was short-lived as Ben rolled in the water, tossed and pitched about by the violence of the waves. Panic settled into her gut when she realized something was wrong. Without even thinking she dove over the side of the dory and swam toward the spot where Ben was. The current pulled her under and flung her closer to Ben. It whipped her around and carried her toward Ben's limp body caught in a small eddy. Phil twisted in the current and, with a final superhuman effort, grasped the collar of Ben's life jacket. Fighting the river as it tried to wrench him from her hands, she drew him closer to her. He appeared to be unconscious as she rolled him over. Her heart froze in fear.
"Spuds?" Terry's dory swept down on her.
"I've got him, Terry." Sputtering as a wave engulfed her, she resurfaced and shouted, "We'll be all right. I've got Ben and we'll float on down the river. We'll meet you down below," even though she knew no one could hear her.
The
Grand Canyon shot on through the slot and followed the other dories in beaching the boats on the right bank. Phil held onto Ben, wrapping her arms around him beneath his life jacket, frightened by his unresponsiveness. Moving out of the small eddy, she struggled to swim to the right and the bank where the dories waited for them. However, the current was uncooperative and pulled Ben and her to the left into a heavy torrent of water with 4 and 5 foot waves: Lower Lava Falls, a continuation of the big rapids. The group of people on the bank watched helplessly as Phil and Ben vanished from sight.Phil fought the river. Every time it sought to wrench the burden of Ben's body from her, she clung all the tighter to him. There was no way she would let the river take the only man she had ever loved from her. She gritted her teeth and snarled at the river. Every breath she captured between waves was a victory over her nemesis. Finally, past the rapids, the current slackened and Phil managed to half-swim, half-drag Ben to the bank. Pulling him above the water line, she collapsed beside him and shook with shock--but there was no time for that.
She rolled over and turned to check on Ben. His face was pinched and blood ran freely from a scrape along his left arm. A cold knot formed in her stomach. "Dammit, Ben. Why did you have to do this?" she muttered to herself.
She quickly removed her life jacket then struggled with Ben's, finally pulling it from him. "Ben, don't you do this to me. Dammit, I can't take losing you again." Her voice trembled with fright.
Laying her finger aside his throat, she was rewarded with a faint but strong pulse. Laying her face beside his she felt no air whistling in or out of his lungs. She felt as if a hand had closed around her heart as she immediately tilted his head back clearing his airway. There was still no response.
"Dammit, Ben. You'd better start breathing or I'll...I'll..." Realizing the futility of her words, she sprang into action. Closing his nostrils with one hand, Phil began mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
She couldn't control the spasmodic trembling within her. "Ben...don't you do this me...Ben...I love you...don't die...Ben, please...breathe...I can't lose you now...T, please..." the words came between the breaths she breathed into Ben's mouth.
The hand that snaked up behind her and held her head for a deep kiss took her by surprise. Phil reared back and stared wide-eyed at the man lying on the ground. A had flew to her throat. "Ben?" she squeaked.
Ben coughed and rolled onto his side as he heaved and heaved. Thankfully he had not inhaled much water, Phil had kept his head above water most of the time. Rolling back on his back, Ben grinned unrepentantly at Phil. He used his right hand to wipe at the scrape along his left arm. It came away bloody. He struggled to sit, finally achieving that goal.
Phil sat back on the sand and stared as Ben struggled to a sitting position. Her mouth opened and closed as she sought for words to say but none came out. Her mind reeled with confusion.
Ben stared at Phil. Sunlight glinted on the chain around her neck and with a start, he realized that there was a ring attached to the chain. Was it his ring? Did she still wear his ring? After all these years did she still wear his ring? Or was it Martin's ring? Suddenly, it became all-important for him to know whose ring it was.
Phil stared blankly at Ben as he reached out to her and grasped the ring on the chain about her neck. Speechless, she stared into the depths of his blue eyes.
"Phil? Whose ring is this?" His voice hoarse from the retching, he brought a hand to his mouth and coughed.
The unwelcome tension stretched even tighter between them. Stomach still clenched tightly, she snapped out of the mindless state she had settled into when Ben kissed her. "It's my ring, Ben. I've had it for years." She knocked his hand away. "How long have you been conscious?" she accused.
Ben smiled at her and coughed again. "Long enough."
She searched anxiously for the meaning behind the words. "Just what the hell does that mean?"
Ben's voice was tender as he again reached for her. "I heard what you said, Phil."
"What I said? What I said?" Fury almost choked her. "Why the hell didn't you tell me you were okay instead of tricking me like that?"
"I never meant to trick you." His voice was a velvet murmur.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE OKAY?" she shouted and before she could control the urge her fist lashed out and connected with Ben's face.
Ben saw the blow coming and pulled his head back so that Phil's fist struck a glancing blow to his jawline. He watched the anger in her eyes change to pain as she grasped her hand against her chest. He spoke then, his voice gentle as he recalled an event from their mutual past, "I thought you had learned your lesson years ago, Phil."
Phil stared at Ben in misery as her hand began to ache. Tears of anger and frustration clouded her vision, but she did not draw back as Ben gently cradled her hand and raised it to his lips. The kiss was feather soft.
"I'm sorry, Ben," she spoke in a broken whisper. With her uninjured hand she gently stroked his jawline. His eyes came up and locked with hers. An eternity passed as they gazed into each other's eyes, the barriers to their innermost thoughts finally gone. All the hurt and pain and love for each other was reflected in the depths of those eyes.
"Phil..." it was little more than a groan, full of the loneliness and despair that had encompassed his life.
"Don't Ben..." Words failed her as she once more traced the line of his jaw, moving her fingers to his lips. She trembled when Ben kissed her fingers.
One of Ben's hands crept up to cup the side of her face. He stroked her lips with his thumb and felt the desire build inside him as she turned her head and kissed the palm of his hand.
How long did they sit there like that? Too long for either of them as Ben slid his hand around behind her neck and slowly drew her face to his. Still staring into the depths of her eyes, now darkened to deepest brown, he whispered, "Phil? Say the word and I'll stop." He paused and swallowed deeply. He watched as she slowly slid her tongue over her lips, waiting for her to stop him or pull away.
"I can't, Ben," Phil whispered breathlessly.
Ben slowly closed the distance between them and gently pressed his lips against hers. His arm began their journey around her shoulders.
"Halloo!!!! Ben? Phil?"
Startled, they jerked apart then turned to see the dories heading toward the shore and them. Phil rose to her feet and backed away from Ben. Cradling her hand against her chest, she spun on her heels and hurried to where the first dory was landing.
Ray clambered out of the boat and rushed over to where Ben sat. His eyes raked over the blood-stained shirt and the ragged scrape on his arm. "Are you all right, Benny? You liked to have scared the holy shit out of me when you went over. Are you all right?"
Barely aware of Ray's emotional plea, Ben said the first thing that came to his mind. "I'm fine, Ray."
"Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional, right?" Ray knew when someone wasn't paying any attention to him and the Mountie certainly had his attention focused somewhere else.
Ben's eyes left Phil and centered on Ray's face. He smiled at their shared memory. "No, Ray. I am all right. Better than I have been in a long time." His eyes returned to follow Phil.
Ray followed Ben's line of sight. Phil. He smiled to himself. He couldn't be sure but it had looked like the dories had interrupted a hefty kiss between Ben and Phil. A tiny stab of jealousy struck and he quickly smothered it. He had no right to be jealous of Ben. After all, Ben and Phil
had been engaged and it was all too apparent to him that they both still felt something for each other--something neither one was willing to admit. Still, he was envious of the chance they had to repair their broken relationship. He would never have that chance with Casey.
By this time, the Hunters and several other participants of the trip surrounded Ray and Ben. Mara settled down beside Ben and ran her fingers over the scrape on his arm.
"Oooh, that looks like it hurts!"
Ben jerked away from her hand. "It does, Ms. Taylor."
Pouting, Mara said, "Please call me Mara, Benton."
A look of alarm crept into Ben's eyes as he turned to Ray for help. Ray responded by pulling Mara to her feet. "Let's make room for Carol so she can tend to Benny's arm, Mara. By the way, where's Danny?"
Mara pointed downstream where the raft and the red kayak were just disappearing from view. It looked like that distraction was now gone.
Ben shot Ray a grateful look then turned to Carol as she began to clean the abrasion. "It's not as bad as it looks, Ben, just a nasty scrape. You know how fucking bad scrapes can be..."
"Yes I do, Carol," Ben spoke from experience.
Carol dressed the scrape then grasped Ben's chin and tilted his head away from her. "Your jaw is starting to bruise, Ben. Did you hit something with it? Were you unconscious?" She tilted his head so that she could look into his eyes.
Ben gazed over at Phil. She leant against the
Hetch Hetchy cradling her hand and stared across the river. Glancing back at Carol, he murmured, "I must have struck a rock or something. I'm not sure...""It doesn't look bad, Ben. We'll put some ice on it and that should take care of it. Did you loose consciousness?" she repeated the question as she again studied his pupils.
"No, I don't think so, Carol, I was mostly stunned and then Phil grabbed me and..." his voice trailed off. He certainly didn't want to disclose his little deception with Phil. Catching hold of Carol's arm, he directed her attention to Phil. "I think you'd better check Phil's hand. I think she might have injured it."
Carol glanced over at Phil and noticed the way she cradled her hand to her chest. Glancing back at Ben she said, "We'll talk again, Ben." Rising to her feet she approached Phil. "Phil? Are you all right?" There was no response. Carol reached out a hand and squeezed Phil's shoulder. Phil swallowed convulsively before turning to Carol. Carol was surprised to see the tears streaking Phil's face. "Phil? What happened? Let me take a look at that hand." She took the hand Phil had cradled and gently massaged it checking for broken bones. "How did you do this?" With her free hand Phil wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"She smashed her hand against a rock." Both women glanced up to see Ben and several others had joined them.
"Well. It's not broken. Looks like a mild sprain though, Phil. You'll have to take it easy for the rest of the trip." She looked at the group gathered around them. "Okay, everybody, why don't you go and help set up the fucking camp while I tend to Ben and Phil. I can get this done a lot quicker if I don't have a bunch of arseholes hanging around."
Josie rounded up the hangers-on and headed toward where Travis and Terry were unloading the rafts. "I'll check with you later, Carol," she called to the trio remaining behind.
Carol waved then turned to Ben and Phil. She raked her gaze over them then in a voice full of skepticism asked, "Is that true? About the fucking rock?"
Phil nodded her head all the while staring at Ben. "I must've hit a rock," she said in a monotone.
Carol watched the interplay between the two, knowing there was more to the situation than either one would admit. Removing an elastic bandage from the first-aid kit, she began wrapping Phil's hand. Glancing up at the duo, she spoke, "Let me see if I understand you correctly. You hit your hand on a rock?" A dark eyebrow arched upward.
Phil nodded once more. Her eyes dropped from Ben's face to Carol's. "I must've hit a rock."
Phil's mechanical repetition convinced Carol that something else must have happened. She glanced at Ben then back at Phil. "Ben? You say you hit your face on a rock, too?" Ben nodded as well. "Was it, by chance, the same fucking rock that Phil hit?" Both Phil and Ben turned startled eyes to regard the woman carefully wrapping Phil's hand. Identical blushes crept into their faces.
Carol watched the guilty looks that passed between the two and drew her own conclusions. It looked to her like the rock Phil had hit was shaped very much like Ben's jaw and, by the same token, the rock Ben hit must have been shaped like Phil's hand. This was certainly an interesting development in this situation. She smiled at the two of them. "Don't worry. If you want everyone to believe that you hit a rock, that's okay with me. However, if this happens again I won't be able to fucking cover for you."
"It won't happen again, Carol," Ben answered for the both of them.
"I hope not. I would hope that the two of you could work out your fucking differences without resorting to violence. Frankly, I'm surprised at you, Phil. I have never known you to strike anyone."
Phil bowed her head. "I'm sorry, Carol, I don't know what came over me. I don't normally react like this."
Carol lifted an eyebrow and cocked her head. "I seem to recall a story about how you once broke your fucking hand when you hit someone. All along I thought that was just an exaggeration, was it?"
Phil's startled eyes flew to Ben's face. A slow smile spread across Ben's face. Carol saw everything.
"Don't tell me. Ben's the bastard you hit?" She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I would have thought you had learned your lesson, Phil."
"That's just what I told her," Ben supplied.
* * *
The small group hungrily devoured the dinner of linguini, garlic bread, shrimp with cocktail sauce, and salad. Carol prepared a delicious carrot cake for dessert. The talk around dinner and the campfire that night was lively and many a joking comment was directed at both Ben and Phil. They took the laughter in stride knowing that it was better for the group to see the humor in the situation than to know the personal side.
Ben sat beside Ray with a slightly miffed Mara beside him. All the small tricks she knew, all the little things that had worked on other men seemed to have no effect on the handsome man at her side. Even Danny had not produced the hoped for jealousy in the Mountie. She watched as he stared holes in Dr. McKenzie. She turned to stare at the woman across from them. What could Benton possibly see in her? She wasn't all that pretty and she certainly didn't seem like she wanted anything to do with him. Still, he seemed attracted to her. Why the hunger in his eyes as he stared across the fire was enough to cause Mara to fan herself.
"Are you hot, Ms. Taylor?" Ben turned his solicitous gaze on Mara.
"Am I ever," she purred.
"Then, might I suggest that you move a little further away from the fire. You might find it cooler if you didn't sit so close to the flames."
"I'm not that kind of hot, Benton." She wrapped her arms around Ben's arm and snuggled closer to him. She then ran one of her hands suggestively up and down his thigh and smiled coyly up at him. "Why don't you help me put out my fire?"
Comprehension dawned and Benton carefully extracted himself from her insistent hands. "I'm sorry, Ms. Taylor, but I have no interest in helping you put out your fire or any thing else you might have."
Phil watched Mara proposition Ben. She knew what was going on even if she couldn't hear the words passing between them. She almost laughed when Mara climbed to her feet and stalked off into the night. Poor Ben, women just wouldn't leave him alone, even after he had made it abundantly clear he wasn't interested. But he was interested in her. Why her? What was it that drew him to her? She knew what drew her to him, but she had never figured out why Ben had loved her all those years ago. And now...did he still love her? Her eyes connected with Ben's across the fire and the question burned between them. Did they still love each other? Could they forget the past and go on with their lives? Did that life include each other? Did they want it to? And what about Martin? What was she going to do about her relationship with him?
Phil shook free of his glance and stood. It had been a long and harrowing day and she was tired. "Goodnight, everyone. I'll see you in the morning."
Goodnights followed her to her bed on Carol's raft. Surprisingly, sleep came quickly--long before the other participants sought their own bedrolls.
* * *
Ben closed his eyes and listened to the murmur of the river. The coldness that had eaten at his soul for so long was less invasive tonight. He actually felt warmer. He smiled and drifted off into a sleep filled with dreams of love with a dark haired woman whose smile was slightly crooked. One dream was particularly vivid. He could feel Phil's kisses raining down on his face and mouth, her tongue plundering the depths of his mouth. He groaned in pleasure and felt the hand slide beneath his shirt to stroke the bare flesh of his chest. Desire flared and he returned the kisses
and stroked the back of the feminine form lying beside him. The hand on his chest roamed downward, tugging on the waist of his shorts, finally opening the snap and running the zipper down. The hand delved under the waistband of his boxers and fondled him.
"Phil..." he moaned into her hair.
The hand jerked away from him as did the body beside him. Ben opened his eyes when the hand slapped his face. He sat up and stared groggily at the indistinct form beside him. "Phil?"
"No, damn you, I'm not Phil!" hissed out of the darkness.
"Ms. Taylor? What...?" Ben stammered in surprise and confusion. It was hard to release his dreams in the face of this reality.
"What do you think?"
His voice carefully neutral, he asked, "What are you doing here?"
"Nothing...absolutely nothing!" Mara slowly rose to her feet. "I have never been so humiliated in all my life!" she snarled and, without a glance at the man she had tried to seduce, disappeared into the dark.
Ben reflected on what had almost happened. He refastened his shorts then rolled and gathered his bedroll together. Locating Ray's tent, he quickly opened it and pushed his bedroll inside. Climbing through the opening, he zipped the tent door shut then finished spreading his
bedroll. As quietly as possible he lay down upon it.
"Huh? Wha..? Benny?" Ray stared sleepily as his partner settled beside him.
"Nothing, Ray. Go back to sleep."
* * *
Journal entry: 10 September 1997
She loves me. I heard her say so. I don't think she realizes just what she said, but she did say it. At least, I think she said it. My mind is still a bit fuzzy about what happened. I only know that I felt Phil's mouth on mine, breathing life into me. I heard her prayers and her declaration of love. She loves me and I love her. I cannot deny that fact any longer. I have always loved her and now...now my heart soars.
Any doubts I might have had have been assuaged. She still wears my ring (it must be my ring--she said she had worn it for years) about her neck and I can only come to one conclusion. She loves me. After all this time and all the pain I caused her, she still loves me. I feel renewed--like a new person. Phil McKenzie loves me.
Cat was right all along. If I am bold enough to claim what was mine, I can finally find peace and happiness in this life. I can move from the outskirts where I have existed for too long and grasp life and love once more. I can rid myself of the bitter coldness that has encompassed my soul and bask once more in Phil's warmth. That is, if I can convince Phil that I love her more than that other man. I love her and I will never, ever let her out of my life if she will but give me one more chance. I want that second chance that Dad mentioned. I want that second chance that Phil mentioned. I want that second chance with Phil. I must convince her of my love. If I can't have her, I don't know what will become of me. Maybe the madness that has hovered on the edges of my sanity will finally claim me. I only know I cannot exist without that other part of my soul. I must claim Phil's love again.
It's ironic. I came on this trip to exorcise Phil's memories from my life. Now I am invigorated by her presence here with me. I have fallen in love all over again, not with the Phil I knew so many years ago, but with this woman I have come to know on this trip. She is much the same woman I knew 12 years ago, but she is also so much more. I only wish I had been with her to share in the changes that have made her into the woman she is today. I only wish I had never met Victoria. I pray she will give me the chance to make it up to her. I love her.
* * *
To be continued (?)
***Excerpted from 'First Through the Grand Canyon' by Major
John Wesley Powell
Copyright October 1997 by Cassandra Hope
Comments are welcome at
baktrak@earthlink.net
Second Chances
(Book 3 of the Ben & Phil Saga)