Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the McKenzies and friends belong to me. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV, or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.
Rating PG Drama/Romance (adult situations)
Sidney Lanier once wrote "Music is Love in search of a word."
Here then is a short piece of music.
Nocturnal Duet
By SL Haas
(Copyright October 1996, Revised March 1999)
May 1984
F
or the second night in a row, Phil McKenzie found it difficult to fall asleep. She rolled from her side onto her stomach, punched her pillow, and buried her face in it. A few minutes later, she was back on her side. Even that did not last long. She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. Maybe it was her hand that ached beneath the cast that covered it. Maybe it was the turmoil of her thoughts as she relived the events of the past two days. Maybe it was a certain green trainee from Canada.Giving up, she reached out and turned on the lamp that sat on the nightstand by her bed. She lay back and traced the pattern of the plaster in the ceiling. If she looked hard enough she could see a flock of geese winging past clouds that slowly began to form the outlines of a face she had not known before yesterday. Grunting in disgust, she flung the covers back, sat up, and slid her feet to the floor. "Dammit, Fraser. Stay out of my thoughts. You don't belong there." She closed her eyes, placed her face in her uninjured hand, slide it up and through her hair, ending in a stretch as she arched her back. "Hot chocolate. That's what I need."
She stood, stretched again, and padded toward the door. Catching a hint of movement from the corner of her eye, she turned and stared at her reflection in the mirror of the dresser across the room. "I wonder what kind of woman he dreams of," a hint of wistfulness entered her voice. The image in the mirror stared back at her through questioning eyes. She turned toward it and scrutinized herself. Short, brown hair, eyes that squinted to see clearly, a mouth to thin to be considered 'luscious'... 'He said I had a beautiful smile.'
She snorted then smiled ruefully. No, Phil was realistic enough to realize that there was no real beauty in her face. It was 'passable', but not a face to dream about. That and her no nonsense attitude often put people off. Only if a person took the time to get to know the real Phil did they discovered her genuine interest in others and a warmth and friendliness that masked a warped sense of humor she was not averse to sharing. No, she was no beauty, but her brown eyes crinkled in laughter or mischief, coupled with her crooked smile and open honesty gave her features a warmth that her real friends found attractive. To herself, though, she would always only be 'passable.'
Her gaze traveled down her body, covered by the T-shirt and boxer shorts she slept in. Tonight it was a stunning gray ensemble with
Property of USMC stenciled across the chest. It had been a gift from her brother, TJ."TJ, what am I going to do? I wish you or Rob was here to help me. I don't know how to handle what I'm feeling. Dammit, I don't even know what I'm feeling. It must be shock, plain and simple. My hand, the cliff..." No...images of the cliff brought memories of a finely chiseled face with bottomless blue eyes...'Let me go, Phil.' She shook her head trying to dislodge the face that seemed to have imprinted itself on her mind. She met with little success.
Her eyes continued to scrutinize her assets—medium height, athletic build, no great physical endowments. "I bet he prefers big boobs." A wry smile played across her face as she remembered the time she had secretly bought a 'bust developer'. She had been all of 15. She laughed at herself as she remembered the hours spent hiding from her brothers and using that contraption. Her ears burned when memories turned to the day TJ discovered her. She had felt like dying of embarrassment, especially when he grabbed it and began pumping the arms back and forth. His snide comments and his knowing grin infuriated her. The fight that ensued brought Rob running. He and TJ had a good laugh at Phil's expense. Humiliated, she fled the house and ran away.
Her brothers had not worried until darkness fell. Then they spent hours looking for her. They checked all her favorite haunts and called her friends to no avail. Phil was gone. Around 3 a.m. Rob thought to check Phil's 'secret' place. He found her there--asleep. She had made it as far as the town library and had stayed there until it closed then sneaked home and into the attic. TJ and Rob were relieved at first, but that soon changed to anger as they berated her for the scare she had given them.
Realizing his part in Phil's disappearance, it was TJ who came to her defense. It was TJ who took her aside, cradled her in his arms, and told her that true beauty did not depend on looking perfect, but on being the best person she could be. "Flip, you're not a Plain Jane. You have the kind of beauty that will blossom as you grow older."
"How do you know that?"
TJ had just smiled and said, "I know." He kissed her forehead and hugged her close. "Don't worry, Flip. One of these days you'll turn into a graceful swan."
Rob joined them and wrapped his arms around Phil as well. "Flip, we're fortunate to know you as you really are. We both love you very much and will protect you as much as possible. Don't rush things, Flip. You've got a lot of growing still to do and we're not yet ready to let you go. One of these days, you're going to meet the perfect man for you. You will know it and he will know it. He will see your beauty and cherish it as a precious treasure." He smiled down at her, "And if he doesn't cherish you, I'll beat the sh...uh, stuffing out of him."
"And when Rob's through, I'll finish the job." TJ added as he hugged her again. Phil had never felt so secure and surrounded by love.
A twinge in her hand brought Phil back to the present. She stared long and hard at her reflection. "You're not a vain person, Phil. Now is definitely not the time to start." She shook her head yet again. "Here I am talking to myself again. At one time I would have said 'At least I'm having an intelligent conversation!’ But, now I'm not so sure about that." She stretched again and ran her uninjured hand down her side to the small of her back. She massaged a knot there and moved...
...his hand down her back and pulled her close to him. Ben lay awake on his bed in his motel room. His shoulder and jaw ached. He closed his eyes against the images his mind insisted on replaying...kisses tasting of chocolate and caramel, eyes soft as a doe's, the color of fresh-brewed coffee, a body, slender and supple against him, hair that smelled of...what?
He recalled when Phil knock him down and sat on him. He could feel the weight of her body on him. He felt a stirring in his groin and he begin to harden with longing for her. In his mind's eye he pictured his hands roving over her body, gently stroking her soft skin, kissing her fluttering pulse point, trailing kisses down to capture a breast in his lips. He felt her hands on him as she stroked his back, running her fingers through his hair, trailing her fingers down his body followed by her kisses. He tasted her lips and claimed her tongue in a deep and passionate kiss. He breathed in the scent of her, heard her husky voice whispering in his ear. His hands stroked her small, firm breasts... her hands kneaded his...
He groaned, rolled over, and struggled out of bed heading for the small bathroom. "I definitely need a cold shower. I can't believe I'm fantasizing about a woman I barely know." He felt a twinge of guilt. The last woman he'd fantasized about had been Cat Madden. Somehow he felt like he was betraying his memories of his first love. Why did thoughts of Phil McKenzie fill his mind? It must be shock. She had saved his life. But was that really the reason he thought about her? What had Cat told him all those years ago--something about not being afraid of love? Love? A strangled laugh slipped out of him. It must be shock.
His mind reran the slide down the slope and over the edge of the cliff. He felt Phil's small hands grab his. A vision of brown eyes stared down at him. 'I can't let you go...' passed unbidden through his thoughts. He closed his eyes and returned to the moment when he stared into her eyes and saw something buried in their dark depths; something that called to him. What was that something? He could still feel the impact that single look of Phil's had had on him. What had he seen in her eyes?
Another groan slipped from his lips. Not even taking the time to strip his shorts off, Ben climbed into the shower and let the icy water wash over his head and body. He had a sinking feeling that he would be taking quite a few cold showers during the following months.
'Benton Fraser, what on earth are you thinking of doing? You're leaving in a couple of months.' A mental image of Cat replaced that of Phil. 'Cat, what should I do? I don't want to start a relationship that can't possibly last? I don’t want to put myself through that kind of hurt. I don't want to go through what I went through with you. It hurts too much. What should I do, Cat? What should I do?' The toilet and washbasin remained mute and offered no answers.
He stood under the cold discharge until he was shivering, but his body still clamored for Phil's touch. Drying his body, he threw on a pair of jeans and moved into the small kitchenette and put the teakettle on the miniature stove. Rummaging through the cabinet he retrieved a cup and a tin of Jasmine Tea. "This should help me sleep. I must still be riding an endorphin high. I was almost killed today!" The kettle began to whistle and...
...Phil reached for the potholder and poured the boiling water into a cup of instant hot chocolate. Blowing on the steaming liquid, she strolled to the patio doors, opened them, and stepped out onto the deck. "Unbelievable! Simply unbelievable. Who would have thought that this time yesterday we were worrying about snow." Quick reversals in weather were typical of this time of year. When they occurred, cold, clear, sunny days and a night that was nippy but not uncomfortable could follow snowy nights.
Phil leaned against the rail of the deck and sipped her chocolate. She loved the view from her house and looking down toward the river she imagined the path to the lake and beyond. ‘I'll have to show the lake to Ben,’ crossed her thoughts. Where did that thought come from? Why was she still thinking about him? "Dammit, Fraser! Why can't I get away from you? I will not become involved with you."
She shook her head trying to shake his image from her mind. She stared at her reflection in the glass of the patio door. "What makes you think he's even interested in you? So what if he kissed you? A kiss shared after a life-threatening experience is just a way of saying 'Hey! We're still alive!' Nothing more."
She stared down into the depths of her cup of chocolate. She lifted it to her lips and downed the last of the soothing liquid. The image of Ben sipping his cup of tea popped into her thoughts. "Dammit, Phil. Stop fixating on him. He's going back to Canada in five months and that will be the end of it. Surely you can survive five months without making a complete fool of yourself. You know that you really don't want to get involved with anyone. For some reason Fraser just caught you at a vulnerable moment. You'll get over these feelings just like you would a cold." Why did that thought cause an ache to settle in the region of her heart? Did she want to get over these feelings? Lifting her eyes to the night sky, she searched for Orion, but the Hunter had no answers for her.
Something had happened between them. She didn't know what, she only felt that something in her life had changed. What could that be? What had happened? Why was she so afraid of the feelings that Ben evoked in her? Damn, damn, damn! With a certainty she knew that the next five months were going to be the longest in her life. Sighing deeply, she let her gaze sweep across the heavens identifying stars and...
...constellations by which he had learned to navigate from the Inuit. He searched the sky for a hint of color but the star-studded sky remained dark. He missed the northern lights. Strange how he never realized how much a part of himself they actually were. He closed his eyes and pictured the shimmering beauty of the aurora.
The tiny patio of his motel room suddenly seemed to close in on him. His eyes flew open and he drew in a deep breath. Taking a long swallow of his tea, he again closed his eyes and willed his heartbeat to slow. An image of Thunder Basin basking in the ethereal light brought a smile of wonder to his lips. His mind pictured the lights playing across the rock-strewn slope, the waterfalls, and...Phil's body as he made passionate love to her in the stand of trees on the verge of the precipice. Where did these thoughts of Phil come from? He shook his head and wandered back inside his room.
Moving to the tiny kitchenette, he washed the cup and set it in the drainer. He leaned forward and rested his forehead on the cabinet door. Closing his eyes, he tried to blank his mind. Suddenly he jerked back and his eyes flashed open in recognition. "Lavender ...definitely lavender." He smiled triumphantly at the recovered memory. A memory that encompassed a kiss and hair that held a hint of lavender.
"What is the matter with me? Why can't I get her out of my mind? Maybe I shouldn't have kissed her." Thinking back to the events of yesterday he realized that he had wanted to kiss her from the moment he had seen her at the river crossing. He ran his thumb across his forehead. Seeing her lying on the ground at the base of that rock pinnacle, the look of apprehension in her eyes, he had acted on instinct. He had to kiss her. He had to chase the fear away. But, it had backfired. He had only frightened her more.
He glanced around the small motel room he called home. "How could she be frightened of me, Cat?" he asked his absent friend. "If she could face her fears of that slope and conqueror it over and over again, how could she possibly fear me? I would never willingly hurt her."
"But, isn't that exactly what you're thinking of doing? If you start a relationship with her, won't she be hurt when you return to Canada? How can you think of loving her and then leaving her?" Cat's image played ‘devil's advocate’ with him.
Loving her? "Cat, is this love?" How could he love someone he had just met? He recalled his dizzying romance with Cat. Could he be falling in love with Phil McKenzie? That thought frightened him. This was only a temporary assignment. He couldn't fall in love with someone he wouldn't see after October. No...he was attracted to her, he couldn't deny that. Who wouldn't be? But love? No. She was like his sister. Well, not quite. He had never fantasized about Becka.
He thought about his sister and Cat Madden. He deeply loved each of them. He had always been comfortable with them. There was no need to hide his true self behind a wall of indifference. He could always be just himself with Becka and Cat. Other women wanted more from him--something he wasn't willing to give--yet. Their amorous attentions made him extremely uncomfortable.
But Phil was different. She hadn't demanded anything from him. In fact, it was more like she was trying to keep him at a distance. Why would she do that? Was there something about him that she didn't like? Was it something he said? Why did she push him away? Even after she broke her hand and he had kissed her, even then she held back. Surely there was a logical explanation for her reactions to him. Why was she frightened of him?
He readily pictured her face alight with that crooked smile of hers. He recalled how easily it had been to talk to her. There had been no hesitation, stammering, or loss for words. She had listened to him, talked to him, laughed...
...with her, shared her love of the out-of-doors. After the initial shock of meeting him, Phil had felt at ease...until that kiss destroyed her equilibrium. She leaned back against the patio door taking deep breaths. He had turned her world upside down. Why had he done that? Why couldn't he just leave her alone? Why was she afraid of him?
No, that wasn't true. She wasn't afraid of him, she was afraid of herself and these strange and unfamiliar feelings that raced through her. She was terrified of the effect Fraser had on her. Instinctively she knew that he represented the single greatest threat to her self-imposed lifestyle that she had ever faced. She had friends, had even dated several guys, but no one had ever touched her heart and no one ever would. She had lived with rejection all her life. She would never let anyone--any man--have that kind of power over her ever again. The only men she allowed into her heart were her brothers. Their love was unconditional and no one she'd met could ever live up to the standard their love set. But, now she had to deal with Fraser and she was afraid of him, of the effect he had on her emotions.
A bitter note crept into her laughter as she remembered him saying, 'Everything will be fine.' She remembered the fury she had felt when she punched him. She remembered the crunch of bone in her hand. She remembered his tender kiss on her injured hand and the feel of his broad chest beneath her cheek. She remembered his steady heartbeat. She remembered telling him "I hate you, Benton Fraser," and knowing in her heart that she lied. She remembered that last kiss. Why did she kiss him? Why did she enjoy it so much?
The memory of her broken hand brought forth a deeper ache in the injured member. She wandered back into the kitchen; the now empty cup was rinsed and placed in the dishwasher. Her uninjured hand trembled and she leaned her head against the cabinet door. Panic set in.
"I'll call Darryl and tell him I can't be Fraser's supervisor. I can't deal with this." It would be better for all concerned--no, it would be better for her--if she could avoid him altogether.
'Coward!' Her conscience decried her ill-formed plans. 'You can't back out of the project! Who was it that pushed and prodded and fought to have your RMR squad designated as one of the approved training programs? Get control of yourself, Phil! You can't...you won't let the others down. This program is important for everyone. After all, he's just one man...you can handle one man. You've done it before...just give him the 'cold shoulder.’ They don't call you the 'Ice Queen' for nothing. Let him know that yours is a professional relationship. You can work with him without becoming involved. Make him a friend...yeah...that's it...make him a friend.' She could handle a friend.
Her broken hand throbbed with pain. She headed back downstairs to her bedroom and retrieved the bottle of painkillers that had been given her at the hospital. It looked like the only way she would get any sleep that night would be to take one of the pills and hope it knocked her out. She looked long and hard at the prescription before opening it and taking a tablet. She crawled into her bed and pulled the covers up to her chin. As the medicine began to take effect, she sighed, rolled over, and whispered to her pillow, "I wish you weren't so nice, Fraser. I wish I'd never met you. I won't fall in love with you. I wish...I wish...damn, I don't know what I wish!" She closed her eyes and a tear slid down her cheek to moisten the pillow...
...he hugged to himself. Maybe tomorrow he could make sense of everything. Maybe everything would seem different in the light of day. Yeah, sure, and maybe hell would freeze over. He didn't know what would happen tomorrow, but he did know one thing...the events of the past two days had created a bond between them. Friendships were not easy for him and those that he did have he prized. His solitary life had precluded having many friendships and certainly few with women, Cat being the notable exception. He wanted to get to know Phil better. He wanted the bond between them to deepen into a true friendship...his mind shied away from anything more. He would just have to make the best of the time he had left.
He reflected on the only tragedy of the past two days--the loss of his Stetson. But that could easily be replaced. A friendship, however, was something that could never be replaced. He just needed to get to know her better. He closed his eyes, massaged his sore shoulder, and smiled in anticipation.
To be continued (?)
Copyright October 1996 by SL Haas
Revised March 1999
Comments are welcome at
durango@ionet.net
Fraser’s Secret
(Book 1)