Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. Belong to Alliance; the McKenzies and friends belong to me; Cat Madden belongs to Carol Trendall and is used with permission. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.

Drama/Romance

Rated PG

By Cassandra Hope

(Copyright April 1997)

"Now Ray, you know that just isn't true and, besides, you didn't have to come." Ben followed Ray into the room and placed his backpack on one of the two beds. "However, you did say that you wanted to spend your vacation with me."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I wanted to spend it in California not here in the middle of the desert." Ray briefly thought of his dream vacation to Florida, but his recent trip to Houston had changed his mind about visiting any Gulf state. Now, California was a different proposition. So why was he here in Arizona just next door to his dream vacation? He glanced at his friend raking his eyes over the tall well-proportioned body topped by a face women found extremely attractive. In fact, women stood in line to drool over him--led by his own sister, Frannie, and Elaine Besbriss, the Civilian Aide at the police station where he worked. "Benny, let's face it, you're a natural 'chick magnet.' Just think of all the babes we're not meeting." He threw his bag on the other bed. "What ever possessed you to want to raft the Grand Canyon?"

Ben pulled the flyer advertising the trip from his backpack and handed it to Ray. He quickly scanned the pamphlet. He'd seen it before but had only noted that this wasn't a primitive 'paddle-your-own-canoe' sort of trip. Now he looked at it closer.

"The description of the trip and the..." Ben began.

"John Wesley Powell served as a major in the Civil War and was the first man to explore the Grand Canyon by means of the Colorado River. He was also the head of the U.S. Geological Survey from..."

Exasperated, Ray turned on Ben. "Enough already, Benny! What is it with you? Do you have to give me a lecture over every simple little question I ask?"

"If you didn't want an answer, why did you ask the question in the first place?" Puzzlement settled into Ben's clear blue eyes.

"Oh all right, Benny, I'm sorry. I'm sure we're going to have a great time and learn lots of interesting things. Now, what the hell is geology? Isn't that something to do with rocks? Don't tell me, let me guess. We're going to be tasting rocks?" Ray threw himself onto his bed and covered his eyes with an arm. "Please, tell me we won't be tasting any rocks."

"It's perfectly permissible for you not to participate in any rock tasting, Ray. I have it on good authority that rock tasting is not a required skill for this trip."

"Well, at least that's something. Just one more thing..."

"What would that be, Ray?" Ben settled onto his bed stretching out slowly and placed his hands behind his head.

"Could you not taste anything that is not on the regular schedule? I wouldn't want you to...uh...to..."

"Embarrass you any more than I usually do?"

"Yeah, that's it. Don't embarrass me any more than you usually do."

"Then it's okay to taste things as long as others are tasting them?"

Resignedly, Ray nodded his head and replied, "Yeah, Benny, as long as others are tasting things, you can taste them, too."

"What about smelling things, Ray?"

"Arrrgh!?!?" Ray swung his feet over the side of the bed and sat there with his face in his hands. Under his breath he began chanting, "I'm picturing myself near a stream. Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air. No one knows this secret place. I am in total seclusion from that place called the world. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. A gentle breeze rustles through the trees. I can easily make out the face of the person whose head I'm holding under the water." A slow smile creased his face. "Yeah, I'm definitely feeling better."

"What is that you're saying, Ray?" Ben asked, intrigued by the soothing images his acute hearing had detected and his mind translated.

"Huh, what? You heard that?" Ray peered at his friend over his fingers.

"I am curious, though, who's face are you holding under the water?"

Guiltily, Ray lowered his eyes. It had been Ben's face under the water, but there was no need to tell him that. He glanced at Ben once more. The Mountie was actually grinning at him. Ray shook his head and began to laugh. He was surprised when Ben joined him. He had rarely heard him laugh especially this past year. The most he could usually get out of him was one of those stilted half smiles. But genuine laughter? Maybe this field trip would be good--for Benny at least.

Ray was worried about his friend. Ever since last summer when Ben returned from his Canada trip to visit his friend, Sgt. Cathy Madden, Ray knew something was wrong. Actually, to be truthful, he had had this feeling ever since the 'Victoria Incident'. Ben wouldn't tell him what the problem was, so he was left to try and figure it out for himself. Cat had said Ben's problems involved some woman from his past but not Victoria--someone else. Ben claimed he loved only Cat but she'd fallen in love with someone else. Why did things have to be so confusing? If he threw out all the suppositions, the hearsay, the what-if's, he could come to only one logical conclusion. Maybe the simple truth was that Ben still loved Victoria but was too ashamed to admit it and it was eating at his soul.

Anger burned in him. After what Victoria did to Ben, she didn't deserve his love. If Ray ever saw her again he would shoot first and ask questions later. She wouldn't get another chance to hurt Ben again. Why couldn't he let go of his obsession with that woman and find a nice girl to settle down with? It wasn't right for a man as nice as Ben to be alone. Guiltily he thought about his own situation and wondered if there would ever be a time when he could settle down with a nice girl of his own. He quickly pulled his thoughts away from that train of thought. He didn't need to think about Casey Sinclair now, not when his friend was under a shitload of stress.

Too bad that mystery woman from Ben's more distant past wasn't around to help him get over that bitch. Cat told him a little bit about Ben's past and this mystery woman. From what Cat had to say about her, he knew that Ben and this woman had been deeply in love. He had, in fact, admitted as much after they dropped Cat off at the airport at the first of the year. Ray wondered what had happened to that relationship.

After the laughter subsided, Ben asked, "So, Ray, where did you learn that?"

"You remember that stress seminar I went to while you visited Cat? I heard it there and it kinda stuck in my mind. I've actually found that it helps a little."

"Hmmm. I see. Very interesting." Yes, he could see how holding someone's face under the water would appear restful to his friend. He grinned once more.

Ray sighed deciding not to rise to the obviously baited statement. He decided the wisest thing to do would be to change the subject. "Okay, just for my peace of mind, why this trip? Why not just raft the Canyon with one of those groups that run regular tours? Why a geology trip?"

Ben swung his feet over the side of his bed and sat opposite Ray. He propped his elbows on his knees and rested his chin on his clasped hands. "I once knew a geologist and we talked about rafting the Canyon together..." Ben bowed his head and with a shiver of vivid recollection recalled that dream of last summer at Cat's house. The canyon in that dream reminded him of the plans Phil and he had made to traverse the Grand Canyon together. He sighed then continued, "We never did. I guess I just wanted to share the experience with a good friend."

There was the shadow of something, pain or an old hurt, in Ben's voice--a shadow that spoke of a friendship that had come to a sad conclusion. Had this old friend of Ben's died? He reached across the space that separated them and placed a hand on Ben's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Benny. I didn't mean to dig up any sad memories. I guess your geologist friend meant a lot to you."

Surprised that Ray had guessed that much, Ben buried his face in his hands. "Yes, Ray. At one time, my friend and I were closer than you and I are but that was a long time ago. That part of my life is over and..." He took a deep breath before raising his eyes to Ray's. "I'm thankful to have you as my friend." He smiled warmly and placed a hand over Ray's.

"Jeez, Benny, don't get all sappy on me." The words were spoken with a hint of humor as Ray withdrew his hand. "Come on, let's go see what we can scrounge for dinner. This flyer says there's a reception for participants. Think there'll be any food there?"

"The confirmation materials indicated that a buffet was planned for the 'meet-and-greet'."

"Great! What time is it and where's it at?" Ray rose to his feet and rubbed his hands together.

Ben leaned back on his bed reaching for his backpack. He pulled some papers from it and checked his watch. "According to the schedule, it starts in 15 minutes in something called the Vishnu Room."

"Well what are we waiting for?" Ray pulled Ben to his feet and headed toward the door.

As the two men headed down the corridor Ben turned to Ray with a twinkle in his eye. "Ray, did you know that the Vishnu Room is named after the Vishnu Temple, a well known landmark in the Canyon? And, interestingly enough, there's a rock formation in the Canyon called the Vishnu Schist. It's one of the oldest known rock formations in the world."

'Maybe I can stuff some of this Vishnu shit down his throat and shut him up,' Ray thought with some anticipation. He glanced sideways at his friend and caught the gleam in the Mountie's eyes. He shook his head and grinned back at Ben.

* * *

Amidst the general clatter of a reception that had been under way for awhile, a middle-age man gingerly approached the microphone situated at the end of the room. Thump...thump. He thumped the microphone and cleared his throat.

"If I can have your attention?" He waited while the room grew quiet. "If I can have your attention? Welcome to BakTrak's grand adventure in the Grand Canyon. I'm Dr. Colin Martin. I'll be leading this field trip. Travis Hunter, and his brother, Terrance, owners of Hunter Expeditions, will be providing the boats and other amenities." Colin motioned toward a table near the back where two darkly tanned men laconically waved their hands.

"We'll be leaving the motel tomorrow morning at 8:00 am for a quick tour of the South Rim and then head up to Lee's Ferry by mid-afternoon." Colin paused and ran a handkerchief over his brow. "Enjoy the reception but not too much. Be on time tomorrow morning!"

A spattering of laughter greeted Colin's lame attempt at a joke. He waved to the group and stepped away from the microphone. He threaded his way through the scattered tables answering the few questions directed at him before joining the Hunter brothers at their table. A short conversation passed between Colin and the Hunters. The two men rose, shook his hand, and left the room.

Ben followed Colin's actions with some interest. "Ray, did you notice how Dr. Martin seems to be in some discomfort?"

"He's just hot, Benny, after all this is the middle of the desert. Just look at me, I'm hot, too." Ray pulled the thin silk of his shirt away from his chest.

"No, Ray. It seems to be more than just the heat. I think we should check to see if he needs some assistance," Ben insisted.

"Fraser, if he needed our help, I'm quite sure he would ask us." They both watched Colin rest his face in his hands before opening a small container and reaching for a glass of water. He definitely did not look well.

Ray glanced sideways at his friend then back at Colin. "Uh...Benny, maybe we should check him out."

The two men rose from their table and strolled over to join Colin. Colin placed a small bottle of aspirin on the table beside a bottle of Maalox before shaking Ben's hand.

"Dr. Martin, I'm Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP, and this is my friend, Detective Ray Vecchio of the Chicago PD. We're part of this group."

Colin's glance boldly raked over the duo. "Ah, yes, the Mountie and the cop. Might I ask what the two of you are doing on a geology field trip?"

"I asked Fraser that same question not two hours ago!" Ray exclaimed. "I'm still not sure why, but here we are." Colin chuckled then suddenly bent over as a spasm of pain shot through his body.

"Dr. Martin, what is it?" Ben immediately leaned toward the man.

"It's nothing. Just a bad case of indigestion. It'll pass." He straightened up. "See, it's let up again." He reached for the bottle of Maalox.

"How long have you been experiencing the pain?" Ben asked.

After taking a large swig from the bottle, Colin replied, "A day or so. It's just indigestion. It'll go away."

"I think you should have it checked out before the trip begins. Once we're in the Canyon it won't be easy to access medical help."

"Look, Constable Fraser, I appreciate your concern but I am quite capable of deciding if I need medical attention or not. It's indigestion and...uuooohh...." Glasses and plates clattered to the floor as Colin collapsed against the table then slid to the floor and curled into a ball.

"Dr. Martin? Ray call 9-1-1 and get an ambulance here!" Ray hurried to find a phone while the other participants of the excursion crowded around Ben and Colin. "Please, everyone, move back and give Dr. Martin some air. Dr. Martin? Where does it hurt?" Colin only groaned and hugged himself.

The wailing of a siren soon announced the arrival of an ambulance. Colin was gently placed onto a stretcher, and wheeled out of the room.

* * *

"Hello?" Phil McKenzie responded to the urgent ringing of her phone.

"Hi Phil, it's Jeff," her executive assistant continued without taking a breath, "sorry to contact you like this, but we've got a major problem with the Grand Canyon trip."

"What kind of problem?" Phil hurried from the kitchen to her office and seated herself at her desk pulling up the information on her computer screen. Chance jumped into her lap and she absentmindedly stroked the cat. "Everything seems to be in order."

"Dr. Martin was taken to the hospital-acute appendicitis."

Phil sat up in her chair, her hand stilled. "How is he? Is he all right?"

"I don't know. Terry called and he could only tell me that they were taking him to surgery. Phil, we need someone to take over the group. Do you have any suggestions who to contact at this late date? We have got to have him there tomorrow." He paused a moment and Phil could visualize him running his hand through his hair. "Phil, I'm at my wit's end. I've tried everyone I could think of but no one's available for tomorrow. I even thought of calling Mark out in Australia. According to his itinerary he should be on his way back. Anyway, I don't know if we could get hold of him in time to do any good." Mark Kehr was the third member of the staff at BakTrak, Inc.

"No, Mark's work on that excursion can't be disturbed at this point," she said firmly.

"I didn't think so. Can we cancel the trip and refund the money?"

"That won't be necessary, Jeff. I have the perfect replacement and it doesn't involve calling Mark back from Australia sooner than already planned." Chance nudged her hand and the gentle stroking resumed.

"You do? Who is it? Does he know the itinerary? Can he be there tomorrow?" The questions flew rapid-fire.

"Yes to all your questions."

Jeff let loose an audible sigh. "Who is this paragon of virtue? I'll kiss his butt if he can save ours!"

A blush like a shadow ran over her cheeks. "That won't be necessary, Jeff. Frankly the prospect of you kissing my butt just doesn't fall under proper employer-employee relations." She hid her embarrassment by scratching Chance's ears then under his chin.

"You're the replacement for Dr. Martin?" If Phil's face was rosy, Jeff's was beet-red.

"Who better to go than me?" She answered indulgently.

"But...but...you're the president of BakTrak. You can't lead...I mean, it's not proper for you to take over the job of one of your employees."

"Colin Martin is not an employee. He's a consultant and a good friend. He chaired my dissertation and I've known him for a long time. Remember how it was before last summer when I broke my ankle? I used to lead quite a few of the trips but since my accident I haven't lead any..." her voice trailed off as memories of the various trips she led before falling into that mine shaft wafted across her mind.

Shaking herself, she continued in a firm voice, "It's about time I got back into the swing of things. And, as far as doing the 'dirty' work of my employees, just how do you think I got this company started? I put a lot of work into this enterprise before I could afford to hire the likes of someone like you." The laughter in her voice carried to the man on the other end of the line.

"Okay, okay, Phil, I get the message." His voice took on a note of concern. "It's just that, sometimes, you tend to take on more than you should. You need to learn how to delegate authority more."

"I know, Jeff, and I do appreciate your concern. However, leading a field trip like this one is not additional work. It's more like a vacation."

"And who better to replace Colin than the person who originally organized the trip, right? It was one of the packages already in existence when I started working for you." Jeff's enthusiasm grew.

"Yeah, it was one of the first packages I put together. It has also been one of our most popular ones." An image flitted across Phil's mind--a reminder of the impetus for that first Canyon trip. She quickly pushed the image of shooting the rapids to that dark corner where she kept her memories of Ben Fraser.

Jeff shook his head recognizing the quiet tone in Phil's voice. "You're set on going, aren't you? I can't change your mind?"

"Yes, I'm going and no, you can't change my mind. I will not leave the participants high and dry when I can step in and take over for Colin. I can take my plane and be there tomorrow."

"Okay, Phil, let me check your calendar for any appointments and I'll cancel any I can't reschedule or handle myself."

"Thanks, Jeff. What did I ever do before I hired you?" she smiled at the man that had managed to organize the petty details of running a small, but prosperous company.

"I don't know, Phil. But how about a raise to show just how much you appreciate me?"

"Didn't I just give you one?"

"How about a bonus, then?"

"I'll bonus you!" she laughed with Jeff as the familiar banter flowed between them.

"If you'll leave a set of your keys, I'll feed and water Chance for you while you're gone."

Phil chuckled. "Thanks again, Jeff. But you know that TJ would never forgive me if I didn't let him take care of Chance."

"Phil, you know that cat loves me more than that wastrel brother of yours."

Phil grinned widely. It amazed her how well Jeff and TJ hit it off. Jeff and his wife often played racquetball with Phil and TJ. She sighed dramatically. "It's the tuna you give him that he loves."

"Well, that too." They shared another laugh.

When their business was concluded, Phil dialed TJ. A softly masculine voice answered, "This is Dr. Tom McKenzie--please leave a message and I'll get back to you."

"TJ? It's me--pick up the damn phone! You know how much I hate talking to your machine!"

The unmistakable sounds of a receiver being picked up reached her ears. "Hello, Flip. How are things going with you?"

"Hi, TJ. Just called to tell you that I'm taking the plane and flying out to Lee's Ferry. Colin Martin's in the hospital and I'm taking over the Canyon trip."

"That sounds like a real hardship. I know you and I know you've been champing at the bit to get back out on one of your excursions." Phil's answering chuckle verified his observation. "How is Colin? Are you sure you didn't arrange for him to wind up in the hospital just so you could have an excuse to run the Canyon again?"

"Now would I do something like that?" She laughed at the speculative tone in her brother's voice. "Don't answer that, TJ. It was not my potato salad that made you sick. Besides, what would I do without my favorite brother?"

"I thought Rob was your favorite brother."

"Well, he is--when I need something from him!"

"Ah hah. The truth is out. You only think of us when you need something!"

"I'm surprised, TJ. It's taken you this long to figure that out?" They both laughed.

TJ chuckled softly. "You be careful, Flip. Rob and I will take care of things here for you. I'll come over tomorrow and pick up Chance. I imagine he's about ready to spend some time with his favorite person."

Phil stroked the cat in her lap. "I don't know where you get these ideas of yours, TJ, but, I'll let you take care of Chance anyway. He does seem to like you a little bit." She smiled down at the cat and the two ended their conversation.

Smiling she placed her next call. When Martin's voice came to her from his answering machine, her smile widened. She waited for the requisite beeps then spoke, "Hello, Martin. I know you'll get this message the next time you access your messages. I've been called away on an emergency to head the Grand Canyon trip. I won't be able to pick you up at the airport." She thought about the question left hanging between them. No, she wanted to give him her answer in person. "I'll talk to you after I get back and I'll have something to tell you then. I love you, Martin." She smiled as she replaced the receiver. Yes, she would marry the handsome doctor that had so precipitously entered her life. She looked forward to the time that they could be together again.

Why hadn't she melted into his arms when he'd first pressed for a more intimate relationship? She knew the answer to that question. Once, long ago, she'd loved wholly, deeply, and completely--the only way she knew to love. But that love had been rejected and she had never forgotten the pain of that rejection. Since then, she'd learned to be cautious of physical relationships. Now, however, she was on the edge of committing her life to Martin. Now, she could give herself wholly and completely to him. She chuckled wryly thinking of the night she'd planned before he left for Southeast Asia.

Then why did the image of Ben Fraser flash into her thoughts? She recalled a time her resolve had faltered. A series of strawberry daiquiris and the headiness of discovering love with a kindred spirit had combined with a desire to rid herself of Ben's memories. She threw herself at Lloyd Hope begging him to make love to her...to push Ben's memories from her mind. Feeling the familiar flush of humiliation, she hugged herself as Lloyd's deep voice spoke of soul mates and waiting for the right man.

Soul mates, she reflected with some bitterness. At least Lloyd and Cat had found each other so there must be some truth in their beliefs. Too bad it wasn't for everyone. Her soul mate was long gone, now only a memory of what love should be. It was time to move on and find love somewhere else. That's why she would happily accept Martin's proposal, even knowing that no one could remove Ben's presence from her heart. She didn't want to end up an 'old maid' letting Ben's memory turn her into a bitter old woman. Irritated by the turn of her thoughts, she pushed away from her desk.

"Damn him, Chance. Why can't he leave me alone?" She scooped up the black cat and held him in her arms. Burying her face in his thick fur, she listened to his raucous purrs, trapped by the memory of her own emotions. "And damn me for not being able to forget him," she whispered to her confidant.

Pushing Ben's memories and Martin's proposal to the back of her mind, she shifted gears and focused on the job at hand. There were so many things that needed doing before tomorrow. She called the airport and talked to the flight engineer that cared for their plane. Arrangements were made to have it fueled and ready for her flight on the morrow. She made another call to the weather service asking for projected weather conditions. With all the information together, she sat down at her computer and made out a flight plan. She would file it first thing tomorrow.

A knock on her door sent her scurrying to answer it. Glancing through the peephole she spied Jeff on the other side. "Come on in, Jeff," she said after opening the door. "I'll fix us a cup of coffee."

"I'd love to stay, Phil, but I can't. Janet just called to remind me to pick up Lisa and her friends at the school. They won their softball game tonight."

"You should have gone to watch her play. That's what parents do," Phil gently chided him.

"I know, Phil. Don't think I haven't heard the same thing from Janet and Lisa. I would have gone if this business with the Canyon trip hadn't come up."

Phil nodded in understanding. For a moment she was intensely jealous of Jeff and his family, but that quickly passed. Noticing the folder Jeff carried, she motioned toward it. "Is that the trip planner?"

"Yeah. Here. It has everything in it you could possibly need." Jeff handed over the bulging folder.

Phil took it and casually thumbed through it. "It looks like I won't have to do anything!" she joked with Jeff.

"Well, it has been awhile since you led one of this trips, Phil."

"Please don't remind me. Thankfully, I'm starting back with a trip that I'm intimately familiar with. If I had to choose one to start with it would be this one." She smiled at her assistant. "Thanks again. I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Well, I could always use another raise," Jeff joked as Phil pushed him toward the door, grinning broadly at her friend.

After Jeff left, Phil dug through her closet searching for her field trip equipment. She quickly located her bedroll, pillow, sleeping pad with air pump, duffel bag, and waterproof map case. Clothes came next--shorts, a pair of jeans, T-shirts, underwear, swimsuit, and a sweatshirt went into the duffel bag. Finally a windbreaker and a poncho completed her ensemble. Digging through the bottom of the closet, she pulled out three pairs of canvas shoes, two of which had seen better days. All three went into a plastic bag then the duffel bag. The last item she added to the duffel bag was the hat she'd purchased at the Rainforest Café.

She dragged the partially filled bag off of the bed knocking against the night table beside it. The picture on the table toppled to the floor. Phil dropped the bag and knelt down beside the frame. She gently picked it up and turned it over to stare at the likeness of her daughter. A lump caught in her throat as she settled back to sit against the bed.

Lindy would have been eleven on her last birthday. Feeling the tears threatening at the back of her eyes, she closed them and hugged the picture to her. It wasn't fair. Jeff had two daughters and another one on the way. Rob had a daughter and a son. Why did Lindy have to die and leave her all alone? Why did she have to die? Why? The threatening tears spilled from between her eyelids and crept down her cheeks.

Chance rubbed against her and meowed. Wiping at her tears, Phil cuddled the cat. "I know, I know, Chance." She stroked the cat and her face took on a faraway look. "I still miss her. She was..." Phil sighed. "She was the best thing that happened to me, Chance. She was all that I had of Ben."

Ben. He had been the impetus for the Canyon trip in the first place. Phil closed her eyes and recalled the memories of the plans they had made together--plans that were never to be. 'Oh Ben, why do I still miss you? I was doing just fine until Cat and Becka and even TJ had to remind me of you. I stopped loving you years ago, but I still miss you. Why do you have to be here in Chicago? Why couldn't you stay in Canada where you belong?' Guilt briefly clouded her mind. Why did she continue to think of Ben Fraser when she had Martin's marriage proposal to consider?

Phil mentally shook herself and replaced the photo on the night table. She carried the duffel bag into the living room and stuffed the trip planner into it. She added her camera equipment and a first aid kit. Scanning her bookcase, she removed a small battered book and added it to the bag.

"I think that just about does it, Chance. I only need to get one more thing." Chance followed his human into the kitchen and watched as she dumped a can of brown powder into a plastic bag. "I almost forgot the coffee." Phil placed the ziploc bag containing the coffee into a watertight container. Digging through the cabinet, she added a tin of Jasmine tea to the container. Carrying the container back to the living room, she placed it in the duffel bag with the rest of her equipment.

"Damn, I just thought of something else I should probably take with me." She hurried to her bathroom and opened the door to the cabinet next to the mirror. She removed the vial of medicine she used for her migraine headaches. "I hope I don't need this but I'd hate to need it and not have it." She returned to the living room and placed the vial in her first-aid kit. "I'll give it to Carol as soon as I get there," she told the vigilant cat.

Chance rubbed against Phil's ankles and meowed. She swung the cat up into a hug and continued talking to him, "I've called TJ and he's going to come over for you tomorrow." The purring became louder. "You behave yourself, Chance." She hugged him again then placed him on the floor. "Let me just check everything again."

Chance watched Phil check her equipment and supplies not once, but two more times. It was as if she was apprehensive about leading a trip after such a long time.

"It's not that I'm scared exactly. It's just that I haven't done this since I broke my ankle last year. I'll be okay once I get out there. Besides, I'll get to see some old friends of mine, Travis and Carol and Terry and Josie. I haven't seen them in over a year. Carol's baby should be almost two." Images of Lindy invaded her thoughts and she stopped. Why did everything remind her of Lindy?

"I'm going to bed, Chance. I've got a long day ahead of me and it starts pretty early."

Phil showered and pulled on a sea green silk gown. She checked the locks on the doors and turned out the lights. Before she returned to her bedroom she entered her small office.

*Meow* Chance followed her into the small room.

"I just want to check the passenger list. I like to know who I'm travelling with, Chance. Get to know a little bit about their backgrounds. The usual."

*Meow*

"I know, but I don't want to dig through my bag again. I can just pull the list up on the screen here like this." Sitting down at the computer, Phil typed in a command only to have the screen go blank leaving an error message scrolling across it.

"Damn, why does this infernal machine have to pick now to act up? I give up, Chance. I don't have time to mess with this thing tonight." Phil sighed in disgust at the technological marvel that she knew hated her. Why else would it act up when she didn't have time to mess with it? She shrugged her shoulders then stretched as a yawn captured her. "I'll dig out the passenger list in the trip folder tomorrow. Let's go to bed, shall we?"

Phil turned off the computer, turned out the lights, and returned to her bedroom. She crawled between the covers and closed her eyes. Images of the Grand Canyon and the Colorado River filled her mind. It was going to be a great trip, she just knew it. Someday she would show the Canyon to Martin. As her mind slowly drifted off into sleep another image replaced those of Martin and in her dreams she rafted the Canyon with Ben Fraser. She listened as Ben's laughter drifted to her from across the canyon and peacefulness settled into her soul.

* * *

The night hours seemed to stretch endlessly before him. Why couldn't he sleep? Was it the remnant of the ache in his back? That hadn't bothered him in almost a week but the ghost of the pain lingered. Ben rolled onto his side and looked over at Ray. "Ray? Are you awake?" he asked softly. There was no reply. Ray's even breathing did not waver.

Ben sighed and rolled again to stare at the ceiling. He listened to the ticking of his watch. If he listened much longer he'd go crazy. Giving up, he threw the sheet back, sat up, and reached for his clothes.

He quietly let himself out of the motel room and wandered down to the pool area. He leaned against the railing and stared at the night sky above him. Why couldn't he sleep? Why was he so restless? Why was he here and why had he dragged Ray along with him?

He shook his head before burying his face in his hands. Running his hands across his face then around behind his head, he finally clasping them behind his neck. He rotated his head around feeling the tenseness of the muscles in his neck and shoulders. Massaging the back of his neck helped ease some of the tenseness but did nothing to alleviate the source of the affliction. There really was nothing that could do that. It shared a place in his life with the cold loneliness that haunted him. If only he had made a different choice years ago...if only...but he hadn't and he had to live with the choice he had made.

He once thought he could handle anything but the past few months had shown him otherwise. He knew that he would eventually get over his disastrous attempts at love. It just took time. It took time to adjust to living on the outskirts of life.

He'd made his peace with Cat. He was happy for her once he had met Lloyd and realized that he was her soul mate. He knew what it felt like to find that one person who made you complete. He'd found his soul mate years ago. Why hadn't he held onto her when he had the chance? Now, she was gone--in love with someone else.

Living on the outskirts wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't occasionally reminded of what he had lost. There were times when he had even thought that he saw her. Long before the 'Victoria incident' he had thought he recognized her at a Halloween party, but the woman had smelled of lilacs not the lavender that scented his memories of Phil.

Then there was that time when he had gone to a mall on an errand for Inspector Thatcher. He thought he saw Phil enter a small shop on the other side of the concourse. His cheeks burned with the memory of finding himself inside a lingerie store searching for a woman from his past. There were other instances when his mind had played tricks on his senses--when he thought he'd seen Phil, but it couldn't be her. She wasn't in Chicago. No, Phil was still in the mountains of Colorado where she belonged. Still, his mind insisted on playing tricks on him.

That visit with Cat last summer reopened old wounds. It came as quite a shock to learn that she had met Phil. The images of Cat meeting Phil and talking with her and getting to know her invaded his mind. Why did he feel left out? Why had he felt jealous of the time Cat spent with her?

He shook himself mentally. Cat and Phil...Phil in the house that was like a second home to him...playing with the cats...sleeping in the bed that he occasionally used...seeing Cat's wall of photos...Cat getting to know Phil...talking with her...finding out about what had happened during those years apart. Why did he feel so alone--so lonely--knowing that Cat had shared a part of Phil's life that he would never get to know? And...there was something she wasn't telling him but what that was, he couldn't hazard a guess.

Still, at the time he had thought he knew all he needed to know. Phil had never married--never had a family--all because he had ended their engagement. She had curled back up into herself and become a sad, embittered, lonely woman. All because of what he had done. All because he had chosen Victoria over her. But now he knew different. Phil had moved on with her life and that life did not have room for Benton Fraser, not even on the outskirts of it.

Cat's visit this past Christmas had forced him to reevaluate his relationship or lack thereof with Phil. Why was she so insistent that he make the first move to contact Phil? Surely if Phil still cared for him, as Cat claimed, she would have already contacted him but she hadn't. That could mean only one thing. Phil wanted nothing to do with him and now he knew why.

Ben buried his face in his hands. He wished he had never met Phil McKenzie. As hard as he tried, he couldn't get her out of his mind. It was almost as if her memories had a life of their own. Once freed, they refused to return to the dark recesses of his mind where they had resided for so many years. They appeared at the most inopportune moments and Phil's presence would cloud his senses until he thought he would drown in them.

He thought that marriage with Cat would solve these longings, but she'd met someone else--just as Phil had. Now all he had was his memories of Phil and Cat. More and more, he found himself on the outskirts of love and living. Even his sister, Becka, noticed the haunted look in his eyes.

It began to affect his work and it angered him. He had always been in control of his life and now these memories were controlling him. He drove himself relentlessly--accepting additional duties or working on cases with Ray--anything to tire his body and his mind. Sometimes, in the sleep of the exhausted, he found release from her memories. Sometimes, laying in the stillness of the darkened room, he could convince himself that he no longer loved her. After what Victoria had done to him he no longer trusted his judgement of women. Maybe he was getting cynical but he would not be hurt like that again. Cat was in love with another man and the love he once shared with Phil was gone with her. He doubted he would ever share a love like that again. He could only exist on the outskirts of someone else's love.

Somehow that thought gave him a semblance of peace. If he could never have a love like that then he didn't need to feel so cold and lonely. He could throw himself into his work and find satisfaction there. He could share Ray's friendship and find satisfaction there. He could share in the happiness and fulfillment Cat had found with Lloyd and find satisfaction there. He could watch with pride as Becka reclaimed her life in the RCMP and find satisfaction there. He could help those less fortunate than himself and find satisfaction there. He could be an example to others and find satisfaction there. He could do it. He could. He was a Mountie.

Occasionally, though, something reminded him of Phil and the deep-seated ache and the cold loneliness would overwhelm him again. He would find himself reliving his memories again--tasting her love once more and basking in the warmth of her smile. His body would respond to his memories and he had discovered it was easier to stroke himself to a hurried release than to try and convince his body to ignore his thoughts. He snorted derisively. How could he control his body when he couldn't even control his thoughts?

Maybe all these unwanted memories of Phil were a reaction to Victoria's betrayal. Maybe all he was doing was trying to overcompensate for what Victoria had done to him. Phil would never do something as vicious as what Victoria did and still claim to love him. He could rationalize what he felt--tell himself that he was simply comparing the two opposite loves of his life, Phil and Victoria. But the peace he sought deserted him and left him distracted and confused. Was he to live a life devoid of love? Could he reclaim what he once had as Cat had urged? Did he even want to?

It really didn't matter whether or not he wanted to reclaim that love. It was too late. He'd waited too long and now Phil was in love with another man. What had Becka said? Something about women being practical? It appeared that Phil was being practical and getting on with her life. If she could do it then so could he.

After spending a week with Cat recuperating from his back injury, he had thought he was ready to return to duty. Anything was better than moping about his bare apartment. However, things did not go as he had planned. Exhaustion and a nagging backache dulled his reflexes and affected his work. On his first day back on duty, everything possible that could go wrong went wrong. His second day was even worse. On the third day Inspector Thatcher took him aside and ordered him back on medical leave saying that the Consulate could not afford two 'Turnbulls' on its staff. She told him, in no uncertain terms, to take the remainder of his medical leave and use it to get his head straightened out before he returned to duty or face a disciplinary hearing.

Indignant that she would think him incapable of carrying out his duties, he had stalked back to his office only to catch the toe of his boot on the corner of Turnbull's desk. As he sprawled across the desk clutching vainly at the typewriter as it crashed to the floor, he was aware of a penetrating stare. Swallowing convulsively, he slid off the desk and turned to face his superior officer. Her eyes raked over him lingering on the spreading ink stain across the breast of his tunic. She said not a word but her eyes spoke volumes.

He chose to take the time off. So, here he was--beginning a trip that he and Phil talked about so many years ago, trying to exorcise her ghost from his thoughts.

Strangely enough, it was Becka who had recommended BakTrak, Inc. She had said something about getting more than he bargained for with BakTrak. He was surprised to learn that BakTrak's offices were only a few blocks from the consulate. The day after he'd decided to take a vacation he'd dug out the brochures Becka had left with him. Dief had seemed to know what was going on and disappeared. Ben followed him to an old brownstone office building, finally locating him on the second floor sitting outside the offices of BakTrak. He secured several leaflets that described a variety of field trips. The scope and content of the ventures impressed him but there was really only one choice--the Grand Canyon. Phil and he should have taken this trip together. They would have taken this trip if he hadn't met Victoria. Now, he would take this trip with his best friend, Ray.

The man in BakTrak's office, one Jeff Bowers, had readily supplied him with information on the Grand Canyon trip. The next excursion had had a last minute cancellation and there were two spots available. If Ben was interested, he could reserve the spots for him. Ben quickly signed himself and, as an afterthought, Ray. It had not taken much effort to convince Ray to accompany him.

Ray grumbled when Ben suggested the rafting trip. Ray had volunteered to spend his vacation with him thinking that the two of them could go to California. But when Ben remained adamant in his desire to raft the Grand Canyon, Ray relented and agreed to accompany him but only after being assured of his creature comforts. Ben smiled inwardly; Ray was a good friend.

Ben just knew that something special would come of this trip. What it was he didn't know, but he looked forward in anticipation to it. He returned to the room he shared with Ray, shucked his clothes, and returned to his bed. He lay in the darkness of the room, his thoughts moving unerringly to Phil. With a groan, he recognized the familiar stirrings in his groin. 'Not now,' he silently begged but, as usual, his body paid him no heed. Glancing across at Ray, he quickly took himself in hand and rapidly stroked himself to completion. As release claimed him, he unknowingly whispered Phil's name. This time sleep came quickly and in his dreams he once again heard Phil's laughter echo across a canyon and he felt warmed.

* * *

To be continued (?)

Copyright April 1997 by Cassandra Hope

SECOND CHANCES (Book 3 of the Ben & Phil Saga)