Author's webpage: http://victoria.tc.ca/~wy236/fic.html
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Disclaimers: Characters don't belong to me, I don't make any money from this, all I have is my two cats.
Ratings: Slash, m/m PG for some hints of naughty goings-on in Ray's bedroom.
Pairing: Fraser/Kowalski
"Fraser, we're friends, right?" Ray Kowalski asked Benton Fraser.
"Yes, Ray, we are friends," Fraser answered.
"And we're partners."
"Yes, we are partners. Is there a reason why you are asking me these questions?"
"No, not really. Just checkin'." Ray briefly put his arm around Fraser and patted the Mountie's shoulder. "Love ya like a brother, Fraser," he said.
Fraser did not know what had inspired this sudden display of affection from his partner, and was uncertain how to respond. "And I you, Ray," he replied. He looked at his watch. "I'm afraid I am expected back at the Consulate."
"Hey, no problem, I'll drive ya," said Ray. He grabbed his car keys and started toward the door. Fraser followed, still unable to fathom Ray's behaviour.
When they arrived at the Consulate, Fraser started to get out of the car. "Thank you kindly for the ride, Ray," he said, always polite. Ray suddenly grabbed his arm. "Fraser? I'm - I'm glad we're friends."
Ben reached over and covered the hand on his arm with his own free hand. "I am also glad, Ray. Now I really must be going before Inspector Thatcher gets upset with me."
"Like the Ice Queen isn't always upset with ya. See ya tomorrow?"
The Canadian looked puzzled. "Do we have plans that I have forgotten about?" he asked.
"Uh, no," replied the detective. "But if we're gonna keep pretendin' that I'm Vecchio, we've gotta make it look good, ya know, hang out together when we're not actually working. We can go back to the gym, I'll teach ya how to spar."
Fraser realized that not only was Ray's hand still on his arm, his hand was still on Ray's. He slowly withdrew it and said, "But Ray, I do not wish to learn how to 'spar.' I don't like hitting you."
"Aw, Fraser, it's not like yer hittin' me 'cause yer mad at me or anything. It's like, I dunno, play- fighting. We'll talk about it tomorrow. I'll pick ya up after my shift ends. We'll go get some Chinese food." Ray finally removed his hand from his partner's arm. Fraser closed the car door. "Goodbye, Ray," he said.
"See ya tomorrow, Fraser," said Ray, and sped away.
Fraser was completely puzzled. Certainly he and Ray were friends. It was almost surprising how quickly they had become friends, after Ben had found out who he was and why he was impersonating Ray Vecchio. And if Fraser sometimes wished they could be more than friends, or that Ray loved him other than 'like a brother', he kept those thoughts to himself. There was the one occasion, after Fraser had been able to prove that a suspect was lying, thereby giving more weight to Ray's (inaccurate) theory of how a crime had occurred, that Ray had suddenly said, "I love you, Fraser." Fraser had simply said, "And I you, Ray." Then the detective had quickly said he was not speaking *literally* but rather 'symbolically.' And Ben's heart had crashed and burned.
Later, as Ben was tidying his office, his father appeared. "So...the Yank. What's he up to?"
"He does have a name, Dad," said Fraser to the ghost.
"Yes, yes, they all do, don't they? What is he trying to prove with this 'love you like a brother' stuff all of a sudden?"
"Perhaps he isn't trying to prove anything," replied Benton. "Perhaps he is simply trying to become more open about his feelings." *Though why he suddenly wants to be open about his feelings with /me/ is another matter.*
"Well, I hope he isn't getting soft on you all of a sudden," said the elder Fraser.
"Dad," said Ben in frustration, "why does love equal 'geting soft' to you? Emotions don't make a person soft. They make a person /human./ "
Robert Fraser studied his son for a long moment. Then he said, "Ah."
" 'Ah' ? What does 'ah' mean, Dad?"
"You and the Yank. I don't know why I didn't notice it before," said Robert.
"His name is /Ray/, Dad. Ray. Stanley Raymond Kowalski if you want to be formal. And what did you just now notice that you didn't notice before?"
"All this talk about feelings. It's so obvious." The ghost of Robert Fraser shook his head and looked at his son with indulgent affection that he had never shown when he was alive.
"Stop talking in riddles, please, Dad, or go back to - wherever it is you go when you're not hanging around and irritating me."
Robert looked at Benton with reproof. "Is that any way to talk to your father?"
"You're /dead/. It shouldn't matter how I talk to you," replied Ben.
"Well, just because I'm dead doesn't mean I don't have feelings."
"All right, Dad, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. What is it you supposedly noticed about myself and Ray?" Ben asked as he poured himself a glass of water from the pitcher on his desk.
"You're in love with him," said Fraser senior.
The younger Fraser choked and spat out the water he had been drinking. When he was able to speak he said, "Don't be ridiculous."
"It's not ridiculous at all, son. He's your partner, after all."
"Yes, he is my partner. And my friend. And if I love him, it is as a friend. That's all."
"A partnership is like a marriage, Benton," said Robert. "In fact, I spent more time with Buck Frobisher than I ever did with your mother. It's not surprising that you feel this way about the Yank. I'm sure he feels the same way about you."
"You think Ray is in love with me?" Ben asked in astonishment.
"Why do you think he has been behaving in this rather - unusual fashion lately?"
Fraser Jr shook his head. "No, Dad. He said he loved me like a brother. He was married. He may still be in love with his ex-wife."
"So he was married. You were in love with that Metcalfe woman, weren't you? Bisexuality is not all that uncommon. As for loving you like a brother, you said you felt the same way about him. I doubt he is going to tell you how he really feels in front of his entire precinct."
"Let me see if I understand you correctly. You say that Ray and I are both bisexual and we are in love with each other. Do they have psychiatrists where you are?"
"I don't know," said Fraser Sr. "Why? Do you need one?"
"Never mind. So, assuming that your theory is correct - and I am not saying it is - what do you suggest I do about it?"
"Why, tell him, of course."
"Tell him what? 'Hello Ray. I am in love with you and I want to make love to you.' I'm certain he would appreciate that."
"Well, you don't need to put it quite that way," said Robert with disapproval. "Just tell him the truth. You mentioned being open about feelings - why don't you try some of that yourself?"
"What if you're wrong, Dad?" asked Benton quietly. "What if he doesn't feel the same way about me? How will we go on being partners, let alone friends?"
"Son," said the elder Mountie, "how do you intend to go on being partners and friends with him when you feel this way about him? Keeping something like this from him will damage your partnership in the long run. "
"I didn't think of it that way. You're right - keeping secrets is bad for a partnership."
"There you go, then. You should tell him when he comes to pick you up tomorrow." With that comment, Robert Fraser vanished as suddenly as he had appeared. Ben turned to his wolf, Diefenbaker. "You know, sometimes I hate it when he's right," he said.
The next day arrived almost too soon for Fraser. He was alternately dreading and looking forward to seeing his parner. What if Ray really didn't feel about him the way he felt about Ray? Could they continue being friends? Ben did not have many close friends, and he valued his friendship with Ray Kowalski. And if their friendship did not survive, how would that affect Ray Kowalski's cover as Ray Vecchio? Would he be putting both Rays in danger ?
Finally, after a day that had seemed twice as long as any other, Fraser saw Ray's black GTO pull up in front of the Consualate. *I guess it's now or never* he said to himself.
"Hello, Ray. How was your day?" Ben asked with as much cheerfulness as he could muster.
"Same old, same old, Fraser. How bout you?"
"The same as usual. Nothing noteworthy has happened in the last few days." *Unless you count conversations with my dead father* Fraser added mentally.
They talked little on their way to Ray's favourite Chinese restaurant. As they pulled up outside, Ben said, "Ray? Would it be possible to get the food as takeout and eat it in your apartment? I don't think they will allow Diefenbaker in to the restaurant."
"Sure Fraser, no problem. I'll make sure to get a doggie bag - or wolf bag - for him."
They settled in at Ray's apartment, talking about nothing in particular - various happenings at the precinct and the Consulate, the latest hockey scores, basic small talk. When the meal was finished Fraser insisted on cleaning up. Ray shook his head, but didn't stop the Mountie - after all, his apartment *did* need to be cleaned. Fraser was actually using the cleaning as a way to stall for time, until he could screw up his courage to say what he needed to say. He noticed Ray was, as usual, unable to sit still - the detective paced around the apartment, occasionally making a random comment, punctuated by hand gestures. Then, suddenly, Ray stopped moving. This was unusual enough to get Ben's attention.
"Fraser?" said Kowalski. "I need to ...uh...talk to ya about somethin'."
"Certainly, Ray. You can talk to me about anything," replied the Canadian.
"I don't know, Fraser....you might not like what I haveta say. But - I haveta say it. It's been driving me nuts for weeks." He paused, then continued. "Um, after I tell ya what I have to tell ya...you might not want to be my partner anymore. You might not want to be my /friend/ any more. And I would really hate that. But if I keep hangin' on to this - this secret - our partnership won't be the same."
"Ray," said Fraser, "I will always be your friend. Always. No matter what. And your partner, too."
"Nuh-uh, Fraser, you don't know what I'm gonna land on ya. I wouldn't blame ya if ya walked out that door and never wanted to have anything to do with me ever again."
Fraser was confused and frightened. He had thought that perhaps Ray was going to confess that he was in love with him - but did he really think that being in love with him was so terrible that Fraser would never want to see him again?
"Ray, I mean it. Nothing could change the way I feel about you."
Ray took a deep breath. "Fraser, remember when we were questioning the pool boy and his girlfriend, and you proved she was lying, and I said that I loved you? And then I said I didn't really mean it?"
"Yes, Ray, I remember." And that memory was bittersweet.
"And, when we were at Elaine's graduation, and you were tellin' her some story about your first posting, and I said that I love ya like a brother but I didn't think the story was really something Elaine wanted to hear? And I said it again, yesterday?"
"Yes, Ray."
Ray paused for what seemed to Fraser to be an eternity, then he spilled everything out at once. "Fraser, I do love ya. Not like a brother, not symbolically. I love you. Period. Full stop. End of sentence. I love you, and - and - oh God - I /want/ you. Physically," he added, in case there was any chance his partner didn't understand. "So, now that you've heard the awful truth, you can go, if you want to - I won't chase ya, I won't try to stop ya, I won't try to make ya do anything you don't wanna do. You can end our partnership, you can transfer up to the Northwest Areas to get away from me, I'll understand. But I will always love you." Fraser could see tears in his friend's pale blue eyes before Ray turned away from him.
"Ray," said Fraser softly. Then, since it didn't appear that the detective had heard him, he increased his volume. "Ray. Ray. RAY!" Kowalski turned to face him, hope warring with fear in the expression on his face. "Ray, it's all right. I'm not angry. I won't leave."
"You still want to be friends, then?" Ray asked hopefully.
"No," replied Ben, and added quickly when his friend's face fell, "I want us to be more than friends. I want us to be lovers. I love you, Ray Kowalski. I have for some time. When you said you loved me that day in the precinct, and I said that I loved you also, I meant it. And not symbolically, or like a brother, either."
A brilliant smile lit Ray's face. "You mean it, Fraser? You love me?"
Fraser's smile matched his partner's. "Yes, Ray. I mean it." Both men moved to close the gap between them, and they were suddenly in each others' arms.
The kisses were tentative at first, each man still a little frightened, uncertain of how the other would react. But soon they grew deeper, more intense. They stumbled toward Ray's bedroom, somehow managing to lose their clothes on the way, and finally fell on to the bed. They explored each other's bodies, kissing and touching, until Ray finally came up for air and said, "Uh, Fraser? Have you ever done this before, I mean, with a guy?"
Fraser looked lost in thought for a moment, then said, "Once. A long time ago. Have you?"
"Yeah. Not for a long time, though. Before I married Stella." Fraser could not read the expression on Ray's face.
"Ray, is something wrong? You look troubled."
"I just - I can hardly believe that you're here, with me, that you want me. You're the good-looking one, you can have anyone you want, and you're here with /me/. I know I'm not much to look at - "
Fraser put his fingers to his partner's lips. "Ray. Sssh. Stop being so hard on yourself. You are beautiful to me. Inside and out. And you are most definitely desireable."
"I - I don't think anyone's ever said anything like that to me before. No one's ever called me beautiful, or desireable."
"I don't know why not," said Ben. "You are beautiful, and I will keep telling you that, every day for the rest of our lives."
Ray looked stunned. "The rest of our lives?"
Fraser was smiling. "Yes, Ray. I hope that we can spend the rest of our lives together - if that is what you want."
"Oh, yeah, that's what I want. Definitely. Wow."
Fraser smiled at his friend and soon-to-be lover. "Wow?" he asked.
"Yeah. Wow. And I can say it backwards too. Wow."
"That is known as a palindrome, Ray - a word that is the same forward and backward."
Ray laughed. "Thank you, Professor Fraser," he said.
Fraser looked serious for a moment. "Ray - do you think you might try to use my first name once in awhile? You always call me Fraser, never Benton or Ben."
Ray frowned. "What did Vecchio call ya?" he asked suddenly.
"He called me Benny, sometimes he called me Frasier - why? Why are we discussing Ray Vecchio? He has nothing to do with us, with our relationship."
"I just want to be sure that you're with me because you want me - not because I'm a substitute for him," said Ray, looking away from Fraser.
Fraser wrapped his arms around his partner. "Ray, listen to me. You are not a substitute for Ray Vecchio or for anyone else. Yes, I love him - but as a friend, even a brother. Not the way I love you. Do you understand?"
Ray snuggled in to Fraser's arms. "Yeah Fras - Ben. I understand. And I love ya too. With all my heart. Forever." He tried to stifle a yawn.
Fraser smiled affectionately at his friend. "Ray, we have both had a very long, tiring day. And I imagine neither of us got much sleep last night, am I correct?"
"Yeah, Ben, I was awake most of last night thinking about you, about us."
"Then I think that tonight we should just try to get some sleep. Other - activities - can wait. We have plenty of time to make love when we're ready. "
"You'll stay with me tonight?" Ray asked.
"Tonight, tomorrow night, and every night, if you'll have me. But Diefenbaker will have to stay too," Ben answered.
"I guess the turtle will survive. Not like he's covered in chocolate or anything," said Ray with a grin. "What're ya gonna tell the Ice Queen when ya move out of the Consulate?"
"The truth - that I have found a much more satisfactory place to live. And that the arrangement will likely be permanent."
"You won't go back to the Northwest Areas? If they offer you a transfer?" Ray asked anxiously.
"Territories, Ray. And I am not going anywhere without you. You are the most important part of my life. I will still go North for my holidays, but my home is with you."
"Wow," said Ray again.
"And can you say it backwards, too?" smiled Frasr.
"Yeah. Wow. I love you, Ben."
"And I you, Ray."
The two men curled up in each others' arms, and fell asleep, safe in the knowledge of their love for each other.
End
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