Sturm Und Drang
By: Michelle Sinclair
Rated R(m/f sex).
I just can't seem to help myself, these things just enter my mind and
I must share them with the world. Just so you all know, the title 'Sturm
Und Drang' is making a *very* oblique reference to the phase of German
literature at the end of 18th century, known as Storm and Stress (in
German, Sturm und Drang). Goethe and Schiller wrote in this style.
Writers of the Storm and Stress period were interested in the ideals
of friendship, freedom, etc. But actually, this is *just* a title I
liked for the mere literal definition of the phrase and not the style
of writing per se. I hope I didn't lose y'all at the ranch!
**Last note: The events in this story come after a previous story entitled
It's Probably Me'. You may want to read that first, just to understand
the references made to it, otherwise it's not too complicated to understand
what's going on here.
*****
Prologue
Five months. It seemed like an eternity to him. But at long last it
seemed his time in purgatory was over. Detective Ray Vecchio was finally
going back to work. He never thought he'd miss it quite so much. The
only thing that had kept him sane during these long months of rehabilitation
after he was almost shot to death by a lunatic ex-Mountie named Paul
Granger had been his friend, Ben Fraser.
Ray figured Ben's thoughtful devotion to him sprang from some
sense the Mountie had of being responsible for Ray's injuries. In a
way, he was right. But then, Ray himself had been responsible for a
good number of Ben's injuries so maybe they would be even one day. However
at this particular moment Ray was unwilling to dwell on the past five
months and was glad to be driving that old, familiar route to Ben's shitty
neighborhood. Ben was already waiting down stairs for him, wearing that
damned dress uniform.
"Good Morning Ray. How are you feeling today?"
"Fine, Benny. Can't wait to get back to work though."
"I would imagine that you would be anxious to return."
"Yeah, never thought I'd miss it so much."
"Well Ray, there is an old Inuit saying . . ."
"Please Benny, it's my first day back, can we hold off on the Inuit
stories for at least an hour?"
"Certainly Ray, I didn't realize the level of discomfort they caused
you," Ben said this as he watched Ray shift and squirm in the seat
next to him.
"It's not the stories Fraser, I'm just not used to being behind
the wheel."
"Ah, I see, your injuries are still causing you physical discomfort.
Perhaps it is too soon . . . "
"No, it's nothing. I'm sorry I mentioned it. So, you want me to
drop you off at the consulate or what?" Fraser didn't respond.
"Benny? Hello? You want me to take you to the consulate or no?"
"Um . . . yes, I suppose."
"You suppose? What's that mean?"
"Ray, I have found that it is becoming increasingly difficult to
work alongside Inspector Thatcher."
"Ah, The Dragon Lady finally getting to you, huh?"
"Getting to me? I imagine that's one way of putting it."
"What's she doing, Fraser? Riding you pretty hard?"
"Ray! I hardly think that is an appropriate statement for you to
say to me in regards to my relation to my superior officer." Ben
was turning a lovely shade of red that matched his uniform almost perfectly.
"Whoa! Calm down Bento! Hey, there isn't something going on between
you and her, is there? You wouldn't hold out on me Benny, would ya?"
"No Ray, there is nothing going on. It's just . . . these dreams
I've been having."
"Ahhhh, I got ya. You're having X-Rated dreams about boss lady
and it's getting you all hot under the collar."
"Yes." They pulled up to the consulate.
"Well, maybe one day you should just throw yourself across her desk
and make her an offer she can't refuse."
"I'll take it under consideration Ray. Have a good day back at
the station. I'll come by later to see you."
"All right Benny. See ya then."
Part I
*****
You ever love someone so much
You thought your little heart
Was gonna break in two
I didn't think so
You ever try with all your heart and soul
To get your lover back to you
I'm gonna hope so
You ever pray with all your heart and soul
Just to walk to walk away
Baby did a bad bad thing
Baby did a bad bad thing
Baby did a bad bad thing
I feel like crying
-Chris Isaak
Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing'-Forever Blue
Ben got out of the Riv, and headed inside. It was fairly early at the
consulate. Blissful quiet saturated the place. Ben breathed a sigh
of relief. Meg wasn't there yet. Perhaps he could try to avoid her
altogether. Ever since they kissed for the second time when Ray
was still in a coma and Granger was still on the loose and Ben's
life was in danger, it was torment to be near her. She had seemingly
erased the entire incident from her memory. He longed to be able to
do the same. But he couldn't. He ached for her. Every time she was
near him was sheer agony because he had to bury his feelings deep within.
But being apart was no easier. The longing was even greater then. He
would lie in bed at night thinking of her. Dreaming of her. Wanting
her. Needing her. Knowing that he would never have her. He let out
a moan, low and resonant. He didn't know if he could go on like this
much longer. He actually was considering asking for a transfer. Perhaps
with time and distance he could forget. But the truth of it was, he
didn't want to forget.
"Constable." There was that voice. As calm and cool as ever.
Not a trace of emotion. Not a glimmer of what he heard in her voice
that night when she came to his apartment. "Constable," she
said again, as he did not respond the first time.
"Ma'am. Forgive me I was . . . daydreaming."
"Well, stop it. Don't you have something to do?"
"Yes ma'am." He watched her go into her office. He felt a
pang of anguish rip into his soul.
She apparently felt nothing for him.
Throw himself across her desk . . . constable, you're disturbing my files
. . . but Meg I lo--
. . . don't you have work to do constable? ....Yes ma'am
*****
You ever toss and turn
You're lying awake and thinking about the one you love
I wanna think so
You ever close your eyes
You're making believe you're holding the one
You're dreaming of
Well if you say so
It is so bad when you finally know
Just how low low low low low she'll go
Baby did a bad bad thing
Baby did a bad bad thing
Baby did a bad bad thing
I feel like crying
-Chris Isaak
Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing'-Forever Blue
A turbulent thunder storm raged on this oddly warm spring night. Although
the room was quite warm, Ben felt a strange impression
of cold rush through his body. It was an emptiness, which he
understood. He used to feel this way when he missed Victoria. He never
truly understood why he loved her so much, after all, she
caused him so much pain. But he never questioned it. The love just
existed, as if in a vacuum. Nature abhors a vacuum, and therefore, for
that reason, the love was foreordained to perish.
The emptiness was caused by his desire for his Inspector. It was wrong,
he knew, to want her so much. But he couldn't help himself. He couldn't
fight the feelings. Especially not at 2 A.M..
He should try to sleep, but it was a futile attempt really. He also
didn't want to dream about her again. It would only make the next day
at the consulate even harder to endure. Although he realized that not
sleeping at all was an illogical resolution to the dilemma, it was nonetheless
the only viable one he could come up with. He heard something in the
hall. Soft footsteps. A soft rap on his door. Who could that be at
2 A.M.? Mr. Mustafi perhaps. Maybe there was some kind of emergency.
He sprang out of bed and opened his door. There *she* stood. It was
dark and he could barely see her in the shadows. But he knew it was
she. He felt a tumult of passion swell within.
"Inspector." It was barely a whisper.
"I didn't know . . . did I wake you?"
"No. Come in . . . "
"No. This . . . I shouldn't have come . . . a mistake."
"Ma'am, are you all right?"
"Yes. No. I don't . . . "
"Come inside." She did, he closed the door behind her. He
went to turn on the light, only his small lantern burned to illuminate
the room and it was still so hard to see her.
"No!" she insisted, grabbing his arm so he couldn't go to the
light.
"But I can't . . . "
"Don't. Ben. I...I don't know why I'm here."
"Are you hurt? Is that it? Did something happen?" He was
afraid suddenly because he could tell she was trembling. Ugly thoughts
entered his mind, what if someone had . . .
"No. I was . . . there was a . . . noise . . . next door. I couldn't
stand it. I had to leave."
"A prowler? Did you call the police? Perhaps I should go there
and--"
"Not a prowler. I could hear . . . The couple next door . . .
they were . . . "
He didn't comprehend why she came to his place. So she heard a
couple having sex and decided to pay him a visit at 2 A.M.?
"Ah," was all he said.
"Ben?"
"Yes?"
"Can we forget who we are for one night? Can we just-- can we be
other people besides Thatcher and Fraser?"
"I--I don't know."
"Can't we just be Meg and Ben and have each other like that? I
feel so alone, Ben."
He put his arms around her. She did likewise and he held her against
him and it felt so right.
He looked down at her, "We can try."
He pressed his lips into hers. Her mouth was soft and alive and hot
and wet and tasted so good. He felt her body press into his. He felt
himself grow harder still (if that was possible) and he wanted her, to
be inside of her now, at that moment. But he didn't want to rush it.
He had waited so long for this. He wanted to make sure she was
burning for him as hotly as he burned for her.
"Ben. Please." He picked her up and lay her down on his bed.
He could finally really see her face, lit up by the lantern. She looked
beautiful to him. He kneeled down in front of her and began to slowly
unbutton her blouse. He slid it off her shoulders. He knelt forward
to kiss the exposed part of her breasts. He was removing her bra and
she was letting him. There was no talking. There didn't need to be.
She lie back and he slid her skirt of and then his boxers and her panties
and gently, carefully, as if afraid to scare her or hurt her, he entered
her. She let out a soft murmur. He was so strong, she could feel the
power that was at the core of his being. It frightened her just a little.
But his silky touch assuaged her fear and she let herself get lost in
the gush of lust and love that swept them both under. She might drown
in it, in this, she realized. She felt the low, dull, initial stirring
of orgasm pulsate deep within her. "Ben," she said, as a plea
that begged for him to never let this end.
"Meg," was the response she got, in a low husky voice that
sent shivers down her body. The fervor and intensity of their lovemaking
continued to surge until both felt the release that came with orgasm.
They lay physically spent in each others arms. Their bodies were entangled
and she could feel his hot breath against her neck.
"Promise you'll be here in the morning," she said softly, but
urgently and fearfully.
It was an odd thing to ask him, he thought. Where would he go? "I
promise," he said and held her a little tighter.
He could scarcely believe that she was there, with him. He had
dreamed about this so often.
Reality, though often disappointing compared to fantasy, was
somehow more fulfilling than his fancy had ever been. She was
warm and supple and everything he had ever wanted. She was
Meg. He closed his eyes and slept fitfully, Meg enveloped in his arms,
for the first time in months.
*****
Turned On The Weather Man Just After The News
I Needed Sweet Rain To Wash Away My Blues
He Looked At The Chart But He Looked In Vain
Heavy Cloud But No Rain
-Sting
Heavy Cloud, No Rain'--Ten Summoner's Tales
Weeks had passed since Ben and Meg's encounter of the romantic
kind. While it had seemed that they had bridged the emotional gap that
had been between them, the schism seemed wider since, than
it ever had before. On occasion he would catch a glance in his
direction that might be construed as something significant, he began
to wonder what sort of game she was playing with him. It wasn't that
he expected to become her full time lover (though he hoped for that desperately).
But he also did not expect to be wholly ignored. He didn't want to press
the situation either, for fear of driving a permanent wedge between them.
The tension of the situation was building inside of him. He had asked
for Ray's advice (Ray, a friend of mine has this problem . . . what's
the prob Benny? ...Well, he made love to his superior officer and she
won't look him in the eye anymore . . . You fucked the dragon lady? ...never
mind Ray). He didn't know what to do. But he had to do something.
Dammit, if she could come to his apartment at 2 A.M. and ask that they
be 'just Ben and Meg', then he could go over to her place and demand
equal treatment. He left Dief slumbering on the bed and headed over
to Meg's. He would tell her how he felt. Consequences be damned.
*****
How many nights
Have I been lonely without you
I tell myself
How much I really don't care
How many nights
Have I been thinking about you
Wanting to hold you
But knowing you would not be there
This night
You're mine
It's only you and I
I'll tell you
To forget yesterday
This night we are together
-Billy Joel
This Night'--An Innocent Man
Ben arrived at Meg's and rang the bell. After about three minutes she
answered the door.
When he said who it was she opened it, but left the chain on.
"Constable, what are you doing here? It's almost 3 A.M.."
"I need to talk to you."
"Now? Can't it wait until I see you at the consulate?"
"No. May I come in?"
She breathed a sigh and reluctantly let him in. "What is it you
want, Fraser?"
"Explanations."
"Of what?"
"I don't quite understand what we're doing here."
"Talking, Fraser. At 3 A.M. and I have to be at the consulate at
7 A.M.."
"Don't play coy with me. I want answers."
"What are the questions?" she asked this carefully, because
she knew the answers he wanted and she just couldn't give them to him.
"Why Meg? Why do you treat me like just some officer working for
you? I don't understand it. After what happened, I thought things would
change." She couldn't say anything. Her throat was constricted
and the words wouldn't come. She wished he'd just go, just leave her
alone. But then, somewhere deep inside, she wished he'd stay.
EVERYBODY'S GOT A MILLION QUESTIONS
EVERYBODY WANTS TO KNOW THE SCORE
WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH
IT'S SOMETHING YOU
SHOULD BE OVER NOW
EVERYBODY WANTS TO HEAR THE SECRETS
THAT YOU NEVER TOLD A SOUL BEFORE
AND IT'S NOT THAT STRANGE
BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T CHANGE
WHAT HAPPENED ANYHOW
BUT YOU SWORE TO YOURSELF A LONG TIME AGO
THERE WERE SOME THINGS THAT PEOPLE NEVER NEEDED TO KNOW
THIS IS ONE THAT YOU KEEP
THAT YOU BURY SO DEEP
NO ONE CAN TEAR IT OUT
AND ITS HARD TO BELIEVE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
THAT IT STILL GIVES YOU PAIN AND IT STILL BRINGS YOU TEARS
AND YOU FEEL LIKE A FOOL
BECAUSE IN SPITE OF YOUR RULES
YOU'VE GOT A MEMORY
BUT YOU CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT
AND ISN'T THAT A KIND OF MADNESS
TO BE LIVING BY A CODE OF SILENCE
WHEN YOU'VE REALLY GOT A LOT TO SAY
- Billy Joel
Excerpts from Code of Silence'--The Bridge
"Meg, please. If you'll just talk to me and tell me what you're
feeling. When you came to my place, you asked if we could be just Meg
and Ben for the night. Well, I'm asking you for the same consideration."
"Ben. It's not that easy. I can't just spill out my heart to you."
"It's not easy for me to be here either. But I can't go on--we
can't go on like this."
"If I tell you, you have to swear . . . "
"I'll never betray your confidence Meg."
"It was so long ago. I loved someone and he hurt me. The reason
I joined the RCMP was so I could have this . . . cloak to hide under.
This air of power and control. Don't misunderstand Fraser--Ben, I like
working for the RCMP. Love it actually, but at first it was a place
where I could hide and be safe from . . . "
"From whom?"
"I grew up without a family, Fraser. I had no one. Not parents,
or siblings. Alone. No love."
"That's a lonely way to grow up."
"Yes, it is. I looked for love anywhere and any way I could get
it. I had a string of abusive boyfriends. If they beat me, it was
okay, if they forced themselves on me, that was okay too. I just wanted
someone to say they loved me. And they did and I believed it
because I needed something to believe." She was weeping now in
his arms. He felt angry. Angry that she had ever been hurt by
anyone. "I never tell anyone this because then they respect you
less. I'm not the person I was when I was younger. I'm stronger now
and I can't let my need to be loved get in the way of that."
"Why does it have to? You can be strong and still let someone love
you. You don't have to give your self up in order to give into love."
"Who's going to love me Fraser? You?"
"If you'll let me. I would never try to compromise your self identity.
If you'll just let me love you Meg . . . "
"It really isn't proper conduct, you know."
"I know."
"I don't care though. Do you?"
"No. I don't care in the least."
"Stay the night Fraser."
"Is that an order ma'am?"
"A request."
"I'll stay."
"Make love to me Ben--that's an order."
"Yes ma'am."
*****
Some people stay far away from the door
If there's a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by
I know you're only protecting yourself
I know you're thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I'm not above
Making up for the love
You've been denying you could ever feel
Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before
Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it's easier to hate
Than to wait anymore
I'm not above being cool for awhile
If you're cruel to me I'll understand
-Billy Joel
Excerpts from An Innocent Man'--An Innocent Man
1996 by M. Sinclair