Every time I hear Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me", I think of Fraser and Ray. I mean, the lyrics are just *perfect* for them! I originally wanted to write a story with that song as the basis, but it didn't turn out that way. Ah, well, never mind. The title of this story comes from the Crash Test Dummies' "Winter Song".
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I won't make any money from them, and trust me, they're having a great time. Suing me would be futile due to (one, two, three, everybody) the terrible rand/dollar exchange rate. Also, I haven't seen the third season so I have no idea if what I wrote is remotely possible.
By T'Mar
Ray Vecchio lay on his bed in his room, unable to sleep. He'd never get used to this, not in a million years. Undercover work was one thing - and he'd been good at it when it had only required a day of his time, a week, a few hours - but this had been going for for almost four months, and he wondered how much longer it would be before he exploded. Or hit someone. Or worse, made a fatal mistake.
Ray could feel it coming. He could feel the tide rising, and he didn't know why. Things had been fine for the first couple of months. Then, it had been easier to concentrate on the job, the objective. The objective had been clear then, because he'd known who the Bad Guys were. But living amongst them for this long... Ray could feel his resolve slipping. He didn't mean for it to, but it was happening. Some of these people hadn't asked for this. It was such a cliche, but some of these people hadn't had a choice. Some had been born into this way of life, and others had married into it.
At first Ray hadn't had much sympathy for anyone who'd done that. A person could get out if they wanted to. No one had to stay around and get involved in shady activities, and certainly no young man or woman had to marry into this.
But then he'd spoken to them, lived with them, listened to them. Some had known what their husbands did, but they had married for love. One young man had confessed to Ray that he *hated* what his family and their friends did, but that he didn't know anything else.
And Ray... Ray would lie on his bed each night and think, even though thinking didn't help.
He felt as though he were falling asleep when suddenly music blasted from the house across the courtyard. The teenage daughter must have friends around again. If she'd been his niece, he'd have... No. But then Ray heard the song, and he knew in that moment why he was so unhappy. For the first time, Ray actually *listened* to the lyrics. It could have been his and Benny's theme song.
*Benny*. Ray hadn't seen Fraser for four months. He'd thought he would be able to handle it, but it wasn't working out that way. Benny wasn't here to back him up, to stand by him, to make him see the truth of each and every thing that went on.
He thought about the words again, feeling maudlin, and wondering why he was pining like some *woman*. Benny had been his rock, and Benny wasn't here. Every aspect of his life for the last two years had been interfered with and influenced by the Mountie. And the thing was, he missed it. More than that, he... *needed* it. His life had been empty before he'd met Benny, but it had taken him this long to realise it.
That singer - what was her name? Celine something? - was now singing about faith, and believing, and being there for somebody. Ray smiled as he listened. Yeah, Benny had been there for him, and he'd been there for Benny. He grinned when he heard the chorus - something about being someone's voice and eyes and seeing the best in someone. Ray thought of that time in the woods when he'd *literally* been Benny's eyes... and other times, when Benny had seen things he hadn't. Benny had believed in him. Benny had always seen the best in people, but more than that, Benny had shown him how to see the best in himself, and had taught him to tap into it.
'I'm everything I am because you loved me.' It shook Ray to realise that while he and Fraser had never, ever said anything like that, it was true. They had each compensated for the other's weaknesses. They had shared good times, and bad times, and everything in between. And they had given and received love. It was strange to think about it that way. Love. Could you say you loved a friend, or was that stepping over the line?
Ray remembered Benny's face at times when he'd been in pain. Benny had always looked concerned, and there had sometimes been that other look, the one he hadn't thought much about...
A pain lanced through Ray's heart as he realised what it meant. Benny *loved* him. It startled him to realise that he loved Benny, too.
Then he caught himself. All this because of a damn *song*? What the hell was wrong with him? He was starting to act like his sister! Just stop it, Raymondo!
But he couldn't. He knew that he wasn't wrong about what this job was doing to him, and he wasn't wrong about Benny. That he could deal with when he got back to Chicago. But this job... he had to get out. And at last, he had gained the impetus to do it. He stood up. Fuck the job. How long was it supposed to last, anyway? Six months, if he was lucky. Probably more. Yeah. He remembered what they'd said. But there had been that one proviso he'd insisted on: a back-up plan to get him the hell out of here if it became necessary.
Ray knew now that he had started feeling this coming a few weeks back, but he'd put it off, telling himself he had to finish what he'd started. People were counting on him... No. He knew he'd make a mistake if he didn't get out, and what use would he be to anyone if he was dead?
***
His contact was most upset at the call in the middle of the night. Ray had had to go to a phone booth in a busy and very public place to make the call. He didn't think he'd been followed, but he couldn't be sure. He decided he'd better go to a bar after this and chat up a woman or two. He'd be very obnoxious and hopefully he'd get slapped. That way, if someone was watching, it wouldn't seem too unusual if he came back alone.
"You promised us six months!" his contact was saying. "You haven't even been there four. Do you know how much time and trouble it took to place you there?"
"Do you know what it's like being here? Of course not!" Ray answered his own question. "You don't see these people every day. You don't see the grey areas. I do, and I want out!"
"Maybe in a few weeks..."
"Now."
"That's impossible!" his contact yelled. "We can't get you out just yet..."
"Don't gimme that. I know about the back-up plan. You get me outta here tomorrow, or I swear, I'm taking off anyway."
"They'll kill you." His contact never used his name, and Ray suspected that few of the people on the case even knew it. He didn't know their names, either.
"I'm prepared to take my chances, but I bet it blows this operation. Do you want that?" He knew they didn't, otherwise they wouldn't have asked him in the first place.
"Of course we don't want that." A long sigh at the other end of the line. "All right. Before noon. Make sure you're at the main house."
"Got it."
***
The next day Ray felt antsy, but he did a good job of not showing it. He went up to the main house, ostensibly to play with the younger kids. The family had been surprised when the kids had taken to him easily, but Ray had been thankful, suspecting that the kids had been sort of a good reference for him. They liked him, and Ray, who loved kids, spent as much time with them as he could. He knew it was because he missed his own nieces and nephews, and he was glad that this would not be their lot in life. He hoped that the work he was doing would help these kids get out, too.
When the bell rang and the housekeeper went to answer it, Ray was torn between tensing up and relaxing. He knew the plan, and this was it. So when the cops came in, used the fictitious name he was going under and arrested him for complicity in criminal activities, he was very glad to see them. But he couldn't *seem* too glad, so he did a wonderful job of yelling for a lawyer and throwing insults their way as they hauled him bodily out of the door.
In the car, they let up for a second. One passed him a piece of paper. It contained only one instruction. 'Back door of precinct. 2.45.' Was the car bugged? Ray guessed that this instruction was an advance warning so that he'd know what to expect.
***
At the precinct, Ray was steered *towards* the holding cells by the female policewoman, and the minute they were out of view of the public, he was steered away, towards the back door. Ray breathed a sigh of relief when they stopped under a really loud air conditioner and she turned to speak. "There's a van parked two cars down in the back parking lot. Get in the back, and don't move."
"Gotcha." Ray followed the instructions, and soon he was in the van with a driver he'd never seen before. "Hey."
"We're getting outta here. In five minutes the cell you're supposedly in will be in flames. Your employers can get to anybody." And with that, the van pulled out of the parking lot.
Ray knew what the man was saying. His employers would either send a lawyer to get him out, and if they couldn't they'd try to kill him, so the cops' way of forestalling this was to make it seem as if another group, a rival group, had gotten to him first.
"Where will you get the body?" Ray knew they'd check. They'd get the autopsy report, everything.
"Don't worry about that, Detective."
It was the first time Ray had been called 'detective' in four months. "Well, maybe it's just morbid curiosity but I would like to know."
The man sounded annoyed. "And maybe it's for your own good if we don't tell you."
It was then that Ray realised that these people put their lives on the line to do this work, and that even though they made contingency plans for when an undercover agent wanted out, it was still a risky business, and these people were all frightened. He grunted an affirmative, to show the man he understood. "Where are you taking me?"
"To your home. You'll have to stay inside for at least a week, while we figure out that to do with Kowalski."
"No."
"You don't have any choice. You can't expect to resume your life as if nothing happened. A shave, a haircut and a change of clothes is one thing, but if anyone gets even the slightest idea of what went on here, you could be a dead man. We need the time."
"No, I meant that I don't wanna see my family yet."
"Where else can you go?" There was a brief silence, then, "Of course. A girlfriend."
"Not exactly. Listen," Ray edged forward, but not so far forward that someone looking in the front windows would be able to see him, "what do you know about me?"
"Your name is Vecchio, detective first grade with the Chicago PD."
"And?"
"That's it. We only know the basics. Too much could put you in danger."
"Yeah." Ray breathed a sigh of relief, although he'd now have to explain about Benny. "I have a friend. We've worked together in the past. He's a Mountie. Benton Fraser. I can stay at his place. It's in a run-down area of town, but his neighbours care about him and would let him know if anything suspicious happened in or near the building. Also, he has a wolf."
"A wolf?"
"Yeah. Dief is the best early-warning system there is. No one can get by him."
"I'll okay it when we get to the next rest stop."
***
The journey continued for three more rest stops, but Ray's idea was okayed. As they drove into Chicago proper, his excitement began to build. He would see Benny again, he would see his family, he'd be *home*.
"One of our guys checked this place out, and he was questioned by two of your friend's neighbours when he knocked on the door. The Mountie wasn't home."
"He wouldn't be. He works at the Canadian Consulate."
"Yeah." They were in Benny's neighbourhood now. "Vecchio, these are your last instructions. You go inside. You wait. After two days, you call this number." He gave Ray a piece of paper. "Memorise it, then burn it. They'll tell you whether it's safe to resume your life. Any further instructions, you'll get then."
They were turning onto Benny's road now, and Ray could hardly think he was so overwhelmed. "Got it. Listen..." He looked through the windshield and saw they had arrived outside the run-down apartment block. "What do you think? Will it be okay?"
"My gut feeling is, yeah. To outsiders Detective Vecchio was never gone, was he? And the 'person' you became is dead, killed by a rival crime syndicate. So no one will be looking for you, or trying to connect you with what happened these last months."
Ray took hold of the door handle. "Thanks. I mean that." He moved to open the door, but before he could, the man asked a question.
"Just one thing: why? Why did you want out so early?"
Ray let his head fall, and sighed. "Why? When you start forgetting who the good guys are, seeing people who can't help what they are... When you think how easily it could have been you... it's time to get out. The scary thing is, that *could* have been me. Too many of the kids I went to school with ended up like that. And I swore it wouldn't happen to me." He wrenched the door of the van open.
"Good luck, Vecchio."
"Thanks."
***
Fraser wasn't home, so Ray borrowed a robe and towel and went down the hall to the community bathroom, where he shaved, cut his hair and then took a long bath. All the fear-tension of the past four months drained out of him but he could feel another tension building.
Benny. What would Benny say, to find him here? They hadn't seen each other for four months. Despite himself, Ray could feel enormous excitement at the thought of seeing Benny again. Benny, the best friend he'd ever had.
Ray lay back in the bath, smiling to himself as he imagined Benny's shock and delight at seeing him. His face would light up in that one particular smile... Ray sat back up with shock when he realised that he was getting aroused. And at what - the thought of Benny and his *smile*??
Ray rinsed his head off, trying to get a handle on this. Finally he decided, nah, it was probably just relief of tension. He sat there until he felt himself subside, then got up, towelled off, and slipped into Benny's robe. Which smelt like Benny. Suddenly he was hard again, and shaking with fear at seeing Benny in this state.
Still, he had to get back to the apartment. He recalled leaving an extra suit, a shirt and a pair of jeans at Benny's place for times when Benny made him walk through sewers or frolic in refuse. At least he'd have decent clothes on when he saw Benny.
***
But that wasn't to be. Ray had scarcely walked in when the door opened, and suddenly a white wolf was jumping up on him, sniffing him and barking. And Ray turned, only to find a red-clad Mountie standing at the door.
"Ray?" Fraser's voice sounded hoarse, as though he couldn't believe it.
"Benny," said Ray, unable to help himself. He knew the name was a caress coming from him that way.
Fraser took two more steps into the room, ignoring Dief who was standing in between him and Ray, barking in wolf-bliss. "Ray?"
"Yeah, it's me. I'm back, Benny." Ray tried to sound light-hearted, but he knew it wasn't working. For one thing, his heart was pounding loud enough that he was sure they could hear it in Cleveland. And for another, he'd forgotten to breathe.
"Ray?" asked Benny for the third time, walking closer yet again.
Ray remembered to breathe, and found that he was almost hyperventilating. "Yeah. It's me," he managed to say again, in between deep breaths.
Fraser was close enough to touch him now.
He raised a hand and placed it on the side of Ray's face, tentatively, as though afraid Ray would vanish.
"I'm back, Benny," Ray said as the touch of his friend's hand did more to calm his erratic breathing than anything else. "G-d, that was the longest, most difficult four months of my life." It didn't seem as though Benny had heard, though, because he just stood there with his hand on Ray's cheek, staring. Ray began to feel a little... odd. "Benny?" He reached up to touch the hand, and...
His hand was grasped by Fraser's free one, and he was pulled against Fraser's chest - Fraser, who just kept saying, "Ray. Ray. Ray," over and over again as he put his arms around Ray and held him tight against him.
Ray returned the embrace, holding on for dear life. "Say something, Fraser," he finally said. "Something besides 'Ray'."
Benny let him go, then, and pulled back. "I..."
Ray grinned to see his Mountie friend at a loss for words, and that was all it took.
Fraser saw the smile, the one he'd thought he'd never see again, and lost control completely. He leaned in and kissed Ray, right on the mouth, and not a chaste, welcome-back kiss, either. To feel Ray here, now, with him, was unbelievable. He'd spent the last four months in a state of complete agony, terrified that one day he'd get a call and discover Ray's assignment had gotten him killed.
Ray opened his mouth under Benny's, only too glad to let Benny in, to feel Benny. How had this happened, this sudden, desperate urge for each other? But there were no answers, only a desire. Ray realised it was a physical desire - really, truly physical - when his mind cleared for a second and he realised that they were both hard against the other and already moving together in that age-old rhythm. Ray pulled away, leaving Fraser staring at him, shock on his features.
"Oh, my G-d. Ray..."
But Ray didn't say anything, he merely undid the sash on the robe he was wearing and let it fall to the floor, seeing the surprise and pleasure as his soon-to-be-lover realised that he wasn't upset, and that Ray wanted him just as much.
Ray walked forward. Benny was now undoing his uniform at what seemed like warp speed, and Ray helped. Soon there was a pile of clothes at their feet.
Perhaps if it hadn't been so sudden and urgent they would have studied each other, but now all they wanted was to be together. They reached out at the same time, and grabbed hold of one another. "Oh G-d, oh G-d," Fraser repeated as Ray moved against him, their erections touching between their bodies.
Ray just smiled as he felt Benny move against him in return, as the sensations invaded every part of him. Oh how he wanted this! But more than just this, he wanted... He braced his hands against Benny's shoulders and wedged a little space between them. "Benny..."
Fraser was flushed and his eyes were dilated. Ray wondered if he even knew what he was saying. "Benny!"
Then Benny looked at him. "Oh, G-d, Ray. What?"
"I want you to make love to me."
"Isn't that... I mean..." Speaking was too much of an effort, and Fraser finally just looked at Ray in confusion.
"I mean, I want you inside me. I want us to be together, to know that nothing can separate us again." Ray wondered whether he'd read one too many romance novels. That sounded so... trite. But it was also quite, quite true. He watched as Benny's eyes dilated even more, becoming midnight-blue in the process.
They stood there like that for a while, until Ray realised that Fraser wasn't going to make the first move. He took Benny's hand and moved him over to the bed. "I'll lie down, okay?" And he did, head and upper body on the pillow, facing downwards. He looked back to find Benny still standing next to the bed, just looking at him. "What is it, Benny?" He watched as Benny swallowed, the movement of the skin across his adam's apple somehow incredibly arousing.
"I... I can't believe..." Fraser was having trouble talking. He was still unable to believe that Ray was here, alive, and *wanted* him. He quickly went to a drawer in the kitchen and pulled out a small bottle. He had bought it one day on an impulse, never dreaming that he'd ever get to use it. He had always thought that Ray missed the signs of his affection because he was straight and didn't see them for what they were. And, he'd also been sure not to make any that couldn't be interpreted two ways. Now...
The oil was delightfully slick as he let it coat his fingers, allowing some to drip onto Ray's skin... He touched Ray, first outside, then one finger slid inside, followed by another.
"Oh, G-d!" Ray writhed against the bed.
Fraser stopped all movement, not withdrawing his fingers, just waiting. "Ray?"
"Don't stop, Benny, whatever you do!"
So Fraser continued what he was doing, his own state of arousal becoming almost painful as he tried to make sure that Ray was ready for this; as he tried to ensure that he wouldn't hurt Ray. And as he was about to ask, Ray cried, "Now, Benny, please!"
Fraser moved onto the bed, then hesitated. As much as he wanted this, as much as he wanted to bury himself within Ray and lose all sense of identity, he also wanted to see Ray's eyes. He had dreamed about Ray's eyes. "Ray, I..." This was getting ridiculous, but he honestly didn't know how to ask. He tried again. "I need... I need to see you, Ray."
Ray turned around, a beatific smile on his face. "Yeah?" He lay flat on his back, then, and lifted his knees towards his chest, exposing the part of himself that Benny would shortly possess. He couldn't believe he was doing this. He'd never done it before and knew he'd never do it with anyone else. But for now, he needed this. Needed to know that here was the person he loved, and who loved him.
Fraser knelt on the bed and moved in close to Ray, lifting him slightly so that their bodies could fit together. He held his erection in one hand and used the other hand to brace himself. It took a few seconds before he had the right angle, but once he did, he slid in with ease. "Oh!" was all he could get out as he felt warm, tight, silky softness all around him.
"Ray..." He leaned forward then, over Ray, putting both hands on the bed as Ray let his legs fall over his arms. Yes. This was much easier, but Fraser was almost too scared to move. He just stared down at Ray, who was looking up at him with absolute triumph on his face.
"Benny," Ray said, and it was hardly more than a whisper. "Benny..."
"Wh... what?"
"Fuck me."
The stark word surprised and excited Benny at the same time, but he found he couldn't disobey the instruction. He thrust into Ray, carefully at first; slowly... But as the sensations increased in intensity, and Ray began to buck against him, he was unable to keep it slow and steady. Finally he let go and let his body lead the way: faster, in a steady rhythm, until...
It seemed there were tiny points of light all over the room, all lancing into him, flowing back out as semen as he cried out Ray's name and came within him for long, glorious moments.
***
Ray smiled to himself as he lay spread-eagled on the bed with Benny on top of him. Yes, this was what he had missed while he'd been away. He'd missed it *before* he'd gone away, he realised belatedly. Because he'd always wanted this, always wanted Benny. He tangled his hand in Benny's hair, holding Benny's head to his chest. "Ah, Benny, you're good," he said with absolute tenderness and honesty. And when he let go, the Mountie lifted his head.
"Ray."
"Benny, are you sure you're you? You haven't said a complete sentence since you walked in here."
"I missed you."
"Better..." Ray teased.
"I never realised just how much I needed and depended on you until you were gone. Stan, he's... he's a good man. But..." He paused. But what? Finally, the truth came to him. "But he isn't you."
A tear spilled from Ray's left eye and splashed onto the pillow. "I love you, Benny."
He could feel the movement of Fraser's throat on his chest as he swallowed. Then his lover said, "I love you, too, Ray."
"I know, Benny. I've always known." He didn't let Fraser respond, changing the subject instead. "Now, do you think you can get off me? It's a bit hot." That was true - it was a warm evening, and between them they had generated so much heat that they were both perspiring.
Benny lifted himself on his arms, and pushed himself to the side with an effort. It was only then that he noticed that Ray was still hard. "Ray... you..." He blushed, ashamed that he had only thought of himself while they were making love. He hadn't considered Ray's needs at all. "I'm sorry, I..." There wasn't really anything to say about it. He looked helplessly at Ray who was still grinning.
"Don't apologise, Benny. I wanted that. I wanted to feel what it was like without distractions when you fucked me." The grin widened when he saw Fraser blush at that word. He looked at Benny's face and just *knew* that he was about to get a lecture on etiquette or some such. "Don't say it, okay, Benny? If you don't like that word I'll try not to use it."
Benny just looked at him. "It isn't that... it's..." But once again he was at a loss for words. He wondered how long this was going to go on. But Ray was just continuing to grin at him in understanding, and he dropped it, changing the subject to a more... pleasant one. "What would you like, Ray?"
"Whatever you're comfortable with."
Fraser moved down and leaned over Ray, his mouth hovering just above Ray's needy organ. "I want to... taste you."
"Oh G-d." This time it was Ray who said it, as he looked down his body at Benny.
"Do you not want it?" No answer. "Ray?"
Ray bit his lip. "Benny, I want it so much!"
"Oh." Fraser smiled at him, then his tongue flickered over his bottom lip, and Ray arched up helplessly in response. Taking that as more proof of Ray's need, Fraser leaned down and took just the head in his mouth, sucking gently. The taste was... new. That was all he could think of. New. Nothing he had ever tasted before. He sucked harder, wanting more, and wasn't surprised when Ray arched upwards again, forcing more of his erection into his mouth. Fraser put one hand on Ray's hip to give himself more control over what was happening, and curled the other one around Ray's shaft while continuing to suck strongly.
It didn't take long. He thought he heard Ray call his name, and then Ray arched upwards one final time, heedless of the restraining hand, and spilled himself into the mouth of his best friend, the person he had risked his life coming back here for.
Fraser swallowed, more out of surprise than anything else, forgetting to analyze the taste, forgetting everything except that Ray had loved and trusted him enough to let this happen.
When the tremors in Ray's body stopped, Benny moved back up the bed and put his arms around him. "Ray, I love you." He looked into Ray's eyes, which were dazed with shock. "Ray?"
"Benny... when I decided to come back I convinced myself that it was for two reasons: I hated what I was doing, and because I realised you loved me. But now I know... it wasn't the job. It was you. *I* love *you* just as much." He pushed himself up onto one elbow, still feeling shaky and weak, so that he could look down into Benny's beautiful eyes. "What a pair we are!" He started to laugh helplessly.
His new lover joined in, and all the tension they had felt for the past four months - heck, for all the time they'd known each other and tried to deny what was really happening - was gone as if it had never been.
"I gotta stay here a week, Benny," Ray said. "Until they decide what to do with Kowalski."
"I hope he stays close," Fraser said, surprising him. "I like Stan."
"So, you have another friend, Benny?"
"Yes. But," and here Fraser's eyes became amused, looking almost aquamarine, "don't forget that you're my *best* friend." Unable to prevent it, he giggled.
"Well, I should hope so!" Ray said, mock-seriously. "I'd hate to think you do this with every Tom, Dick and Harry."
They lay together for a long while after that, just laughing. Then Fraser said, "Ray... how am I going to concentrate on work at the Consulate knowing you're here waiting for me?"
"With difficulty, Benny." He let himself down so that he was lying over Fraser. "With difficulty."
"Well, thank G-d today's Friday," Benny said, and that set them off again.
"Yeah," Ray replied, kissing the man he loved.
THE END