I Wasn't There (For You) The horn screamed through the wood, echoing your fear, your despair.
Am I not a trained ranger, a fast runner and experienced fighter? I
always thought I was. But nevertheless I could not protect you, could
not save you, save you from merciless monsters. This I will never
forgive myself, that I let you down when you needed me the most, that
I failed your trust in me so terribly.
It was the moment when you fell to the ground that I finally reached
the clearing. Isn't it strange how moments of great emotional
deepness seem to stretch into moments of eternity? I saw you fall and
it seemed to last for hours.
You fell and I could see every single sign of pain in your face,
every drop of blood that pearled down. You fell and I could hear your
tormentor growling with grim joy and satisfaction.
You fell and I could feel my own heart stop beating for those ages
that passed while your pale broken body slumped to the ground.
Did I scream? I can't remember. Every sound seemed to be swallowed by
a creeping darkness that consumed everything around me, occupied
everything in my sight except your lifeless violated body.
I attacked the snarling monster, this creature born from nightmares.
I fought it as if I could so undo everything that he did to you.
Undo the screams, which came from your sore throat.
Undo the pleas you surely choked out from an abused mouth.
Undo your despair and broken trust when you realized that I wouldn't
come to save you. That 'Estel' was always there just for others like
the little Ring-bearer, but not for you. Although I loved you more
than I had ever loved anyone before, my fair one. My true one, my
jewel. Did you know that this is the meaning of your name in the
speech of the old kind? Surely you did, but you didn't believe in it
and that was my great sorrow... You were 'true', my beloved. You were
wavering, yes, always confronted with the abyss as you were it in
Moria, but at last you defeated your inner demons. Why couldn't I be
there to help you against the monsters from outside?
I wasn't there when you fought Saruman's creatures to protect the
little Halflings. I did not see your desperate look, did not see the
guilt in it because you thought yourself a traitor to us all.
I wasn't there when they took the little ones away, giving you the
feeling that you had failed.
Wasn't there when the leader of those painted monsters not only
wanted to defeat but also to break you. Your bravery must have
enraged the beast, or did it see this as a challenge?
One human man, alone and already exhausted, against them all! Trying
to show no fear when the Uruk-hai approached him with a grin on his
rotten lips, trying to hold onto his pride even when he was forced
down on his knees because the beast wanted to use his mouth for its
ferocious pleasure.
I wasn't there when you looked up to your captor who shook its head a
momentous 'no' to the last bit of hope that was left in you.
Wasn't there to see the realization, the growing hopelessness in your
eyes.
Wasn't there when you swallowed down the cry of despair that was
rising up in you and wanted to escape your throat.
Wasn't there when your body began to tremble because the beast's
claws gripped you by the long blonde hair and the monster stabbed
its 'manhood' brutally into your mouth.
Why wasn't I there to help you when the tears began to flow from your
eyes? When you choked on this horrible intruder and the burning pain
inside your throat began, caused by the merciless thrusts that were
forced on you. When you thought that you would die from suffocating
but the beast withdrew at the last moment before you became
unconscious and you cried more silent tears because you had hoped for
this escape.
Nobody was there to save you when the monster got its first release
inside your mouth, leaving you retching and vomiting, aware that the
beast already tore your breeches to shreds.
I was far away when it impaled you in the most painful way, letting
you forget all those beautiful hours of lovemaking that we spent
together. Letting you forget for all time how it had felt to be
united with someone in love and trust.
I wasn't there when your whole world reduced to unimaginable anguish,
when every fiber of your tormented body became filled with the
essence of agony.
You were so alone when your hoarse screams weakened more and more to
become silent at the end, only to be heard in your own mind. And your
mind broke at last. When your body was numb and destroyed, when only
the thrusting and tugging reminded you that this beast still raped
you and that it wouldn't stop until nothing of you was left, that's
when you gave up. With a last whimpered cry you gave up and the Uruk-
hai was satisfied.
I did not see how the monster tugged you up to look into your eyes,
to bathe in its victory when it saw that they held no more sparkle,
no more life. The beast growled with pleasure and then flung you away
like the carcass of a disemboweled prey.
It was this moment when I came down the hill...
When the Uruk-hai lay dead to my feet I didn't felt satisfaction as I
had expected it. I felt empty and lost. I was afraid to return to the
place where your body lay. Never in my whole long life have I felt so
weak, so wretched. But I forced my feet to move, to carry me to you.
You were not dead. You looked as if you were, but still your chest
rose. So slow, so pained... I took you into my arms and a sound sprang
from your lips that will haunt me forever in my dreams; it didn't
sound human anymore.
The colour of your beautiful emerald eyes was washed out, broken
mirrors focused on a nameless spot far away ... Your mind was gone and
I felt that your soul wanted to follow.
But I was as selfish as ever and didn't want to let you go. My hand
slid over your cheek, absently caressing, and my fingers tried to
wipe the blood from your lips where you had bitten yourself in pain
to avoid screaming.
I would not let you go and somehow you sensed it. Somehow this
understanding reached your mind and your hand began to move. So
slowly, so weakly. Your fingers were shaking when you tried to reach
your sword that lay on the ground not far away. I thought you meant
it to be in your hand as is custom with soldiers who are going to die
and I couldn't stop myself from crying. I laid the sword into your
hand and positioned it onto your chest but you just smiled knowingly
and so endless sad and you shook your head, a movement barely
perceptible.
And now I understood, and now I began to shake and to cry out loud;
tears were flowing incessantly from my eyes, leaving burning trails
on my skin.
I could not do what you wanted me to do; I could not! I loved you too
much as that I felt able to do this. But suddenly emotion flowed back
into your eyes and my heart was breaking for the demanding plea in
them, for all the sorrow and pain that was sealed there and would
never again leave them, as I knew.
And because I love you I did what you wished of me. I knew I failed
you my love, never could I make amends for that. But I would not fail
you again. I did not want you to suffer any longer my beloved. My
jewel... I kissed your lips for the last time and for the tiny moment
of my whispered 'I love you' your eyes did sparkle for me again.
You did not even cry or whimper when I pierced your heart with one
sure stab; you just sighed. And while the life was flowing from your
body you formed a 'Thank you' with your trembling lips and they
curved into a smile when your soul became free and flew away. You had
found peace...
The End.
by
Vagabond
love you my Boromir, I always will. Wait for me...
My beloved is dead and he died from my hands... His blood is still on
me, I don't think that I can ever wash it away. It will cling to me,
marking me forever to never let me forget...
I love you my Boromir, I always will. Wait for me...
