Title: If Only ... Author: T'Lin ( LinkyS@aol.com ) Series: DS9 Code: G, G/B implied Rating: PG-13 Challenge: Garak stumbles(?) across Julian's diary/personal logs....(Merrie) Summary: A slightly a/u version of Garak and Julian's farewell. Archiving: GBFF, ASC* and my own web site -- http://www.geocities.com/tlin_s/ -- all others, please ask first. Disclaimer: Paramount/Viacom own the TREK universe, I just like to borrow the boys for a while. I promise to return everyone to their rightful places when I am finished with them. No copyright infringement is intended, nor do I make any money off of my efforts. Although I do not own these characters or their setting, this original work of fan fiction is the property of T'Lin, © 31 May, 2003. ******** If Only ... by T'Lin -- 0305.31 I'm going home. How strange those words sound ... it is as if they have no real meaning to me. I had come to think of this loathsome place as 'home' ... never thinking I would ever see my beloved Cardassia again. But I have seen it ... and I helped to liberate it from our enemies ... and now? Now, I am to return for good. The Cardassia that made me an exile is no more, and I am free ... free to help rebuild my world, so that it may take its rightful place in the universe. There is little that I will miss from this place. The constant cold and overly bright lighting ... the mistrust of everyone around me ... the feeling of being constantly alone. No, I will not miss this place at all. But there is one person here whom I will miss ... although even he was somewhat unkind to me, albeit unintentionally. My dear, sweet Doctor Julian Bashir ... perfect in every way. From the moment I first laid eyes on him, I was smitten ... but he never realized. If only he had found me as appealing as I found him, I could count myself fortunate. But he saw me as nothing more than an interesting friend ... someone to share intellectual conversations with. I suppose to some extent, I was a curiosity to him ... an atypical Cardassian, willing to share a meal and conversation because I had no one else to share my life with. Foolishly, I expected more of a reaction from him, as I told him of my plans to return to Cardassia, and that my transport would be leaving in two hours. But he simply smiled, in that polite way he has, and wished me luck. When I said I had a few of his books that I needed to return to him before I left, he told me to bring them to his quarters ... he would be on duty for the next several hours, and would be unable to see me off. We finished lunch, and said goodbye ... no fanfare, no tears, no emotion from him at all. He made his way to sickbay; I to my quarters, where I packed what few belongings I had left, and collected the books I had borrowed. Julian had given me the code to his room so that I could return his books. I stood just inside the doorway for a long time, taking everything in, knowing this would be the last time I would step foot in this place. Not that I had spent much time here in all the years I had know Julian, but there was something about these rooms that felt 'comfortable' to me. I committed it all to memory; every picture on the wall, every book on the table. I then crossed the room, and stepped into his bedroom ... a place I had only seen in my dreams. I crossed to his bed, and lay down. His scent filled me as I hugged his pillow. I let my imagination have free reign for a while, but a light across the room caught my attention, and I got up to investigate. I sat at his desk, still hugging his pillow. Apparently, Julian had left his computer terminal on, with a file open. I quickly realized that it was his personal log ... the entry apparently made *after* we had lunch, for it mentioned my leaving. It read: "I've been a fool! I can't believe I'm letting him go, without so much as a word about how much I've cherished the time we've spent together. Damn! This was the perfect time, and I blew it." The entry was short, but it gave me hope. Hope for what, I wasn't sure ... after all, I was leaving this station in less than an hour, and would most likely never see him again. But if the feelings I have for him *are* mutual, perhaps ... I stopped myself from thinking such useless thoughts. I should just leave this place, and never look back. I stood, intending to walk away, but the lure of the computer terminal was too great. I sat back down, and realized there was no password protection on the entries, making it very easy for me to read them. Much to my surprise, they were all about me. Out of curiosity, I scrolled to the beginning of the log, and there it was, his impressions of me in our very first meeting. The description of my hands on his shoulders brought it all back to me, as if it had happened only yesterday ... and the realization that we had both felt the attraction that very first day made me realize that we had both been fools. There were thousands of entries; some long, some short. Apparently he wrote something about each and every one of our meetings, whether it be lunch in the replimat, or a chance encounter on the Promenade. I scanned through them, fighting back tears over the words of love he had never spoken. Even in those times when I was deliberately hurtful to him, trying to protect myself from the feelings I had for him ... even then, he had only words of love. I scrolled the log back to the last entry, and typed the message ... "If only we had not hidden from each other. "If only ..." ... then returned to his bed. As I lay there, letting his scent fill my lungs as his image filled my mind, the tears began to flow, and I didn't try to stop them. ~~the end~~ >:-] T'Lin T'Lin's Fanfic Page - http://www.geocities.com/tlin_s/ Femme Fuh-Q Fest - http://www.geocities.com/femme_fuhq_fest/ Round X ... HAS ARRIVED!