The Glitter Jungle:
Fiction:
Annie Oakley-Luthor, Get Your Gun & Shoot The Author
Humour. Luthors, guest: Alex Krycek
"Anything you can do,
I can do better.
I can do anything
Better than you." Said Lex.
"No, you can't." Lionel replied derisively.
"Yes, I can." Insisted Lex.
"No, you can't." Lionel's voice was full of disdain.
"Yes, I can." Lex didn't stomp, because Luthors don't stomp, but he was damn close to it.
"No, you can't." Lionel said, his tone final.
"Yes, I can, yes, I can!"
Lionel shook his head.
"Anything you can be
I can be greater.
Sooner or later,
I'm greater than you." He said.
"No, you're not." Lex ranted.
"Yes, I am." Lionel said matter-of-factly.
"No, you're not." Lex pouted.
"Yes, I am, son."
"No, you're NOT!" Lex growled.
"Yes, I am. Yes, I am!"
Lionel caressed his gun.
"I can shoot a partridge
With a single cartridge." He said casually, referring to the Lucas
incident.
"I can get a sparrow
With a bow and arrow." Lex tried not to look too smug as he pointed
to his father he's the one who fucked Clark first.
"I can live on bread and cheese." Lionel said to his spoiled son who lived the life of the extremely rich from day one.
"And only on that?" Lex knew his father hadn't been born rich, but still.
"Yes, son." Lionel nodded.
"So can a rat!"
"Hey!" Said Krycek huffily.
"Any note you can reach
I can go higher." Lionel paid for classic education for his son, but
also for himself.
"I can sing anything
Higher than you." Lex said confidently.
"No, you can't." Lionel's voice rose.
"Yes, I can." Lex's voice rose higher.
Lionel thought this was ridiculous. "Well, it's all about lack of testosterone."
"Anything you can buy
I can buy cheaper.
I can buy anything
Cheaper than you. Companies, clothes, drugs, people..." Lex said, satisfied.
"Fifty million?" Lionel suggested.
"Forty million!" Lex offered.
"Thirty million?" Lionel continued the senseless game.
"Twenty million!" Lex seemed to just enjoy throwing numbers.
"No, you can't!" Lionel didn't mind, as long as no signing of contracts was involved.
"Yes, I can, yes, I can!"
Lionel reached and touched his son's face.
"Anything you can say
I can say softer."
"I can say anything
Softer than you." Lex rested a hand on his father's shoulder.
"No, you can't." Lionel said meaningfully.
"Yes, I can." Lex smiled seductively.
"No, you can't." Lionel's hand rubbed softly over his son's nape.
"Yes, I can." Lex stretched his back and purred.
"No, you can't." Lionel took a step closer.
"Yes, I can." Lex whispered. Then he raised his voice. "YES, I CAN!"
Lionel gulped his brandy. He needed it, after Lex's shout.
"I can drink my liquor
Faster than a flicker."
Lex rose to this challenge, swallowed his drink and filled himself another
glass.
"I can drink it quicker
And get even sicker!"
"I can open any safe." Lionel recalled some of the useful, if illegal, tricks he'd learned in his day.
"Without bein' caught?" Lex tried to hide how impressed he was.
"Yes." Lionel chuckled at his son's awe.
Lex filed the information for later use.
"That's what I thought. You crook!"
"I'm sitting right here," Krycek ranted.
"Any note you can hold
I can hold longer." Lionel took a deep breath.
"I can hold any note
Longer than you." Lex counted on his experience as a child, stopping
his breath to get what he wanted with the threat of an asthma attack.
"No, you can't." Lionel stretched the sentence.
"Yes, I can" So did Lex.
"Anything you can wear
I can wear better." Lex posed, pretending to be a supermodel, leaning
against the desk.
"In what you wear
I'd look better than you." He said triumphantly.
"In my coat?" Lionel put his hands in the pockets of the elegant long black coat he was wearing.
"In your vest!" Lex grinned, not telling his father about the countless times he tried on Lionel's outfits.
"In my shoes?" They were after all pretty much the same size. In shoes, of course.
"In your hat!" Not that any of them wore hats; Lionel was too proud of his hair and Lex was too proud of his baldness.
"No, you can't!" But Lionel's heart wasn't in it. Most of his clothes were suits anyway, and anyone looked good in a suit.
"Yes, I can. Yes, I can!"
"Anything you say
I can say faster." Muttered Lionel.
"I can say anything
Faster than you." This is getting beyond pointless, thought Lex.
"You know, fast isn't always good." He said meaningfully.
"I can jump a hurdle." Lionel wasn't talking about a physical one, of course, but a metaphorical one.
"I can wear a girdle." A leather corset and fishnets, and Lex could look fuckin' fantastic in it, too.
"I can knit a sweater." It was one of those weird things Lillian had taught him, thinking a relaxing hobby would do him good.
"I can fill it better!" Which wasn't all true; Lex was slimmer than his father.
"I can do most anything!" Lionel said, truthfully.
"Can you bake a pie?" Lex challenged him.
"No." He shrugged.
"Neither can I." Lex had to admit.
"Anything you can sing
I can sing sweeter." Lionel smiled and put on his best friendly face.
"I can sing anything
Sweeter than you." Lex put on his innocent, only-trying-to-do-good
persona.
"No, you can't." Lionel batted his eye lashes.
"Yes, I can." Lex smiled, dripping charm.
"No, you can't." Lionel was all classy elegance.
"Yes, I can." Lex was just plain cute.
"No, you can't." Lionel wrapped an arm around his son's shoulder in a friendly embrace.
"Yes, I can." Lex returned the hug with almost-affection.
"No..." Lionel squeezed his arms hard once, and then released his panting
son. "You can't."
Info:
Note: If you're asking yourself WTF, you didn't read this
"As an actor, Doris Day has always been an inspiration
to me, especially when playing villains."
~ John Glover