Chocolate Eyes

by Webcrowmancer

Pairing: Pintel/Ragetti, J/W implied
Rating: NC-17 for squicky parody/slash/unnatural use of confectionary phrases.
Disclaimer: The Mouse/Bruckheimer Productions owns them, except for Jack Sparrow who belongs to J.Depp. ;-)
Archive: Yes, God help you.
Originally Posted: 8/31/03
Beta: Moonsalt
Note: Chocolate eyes squick me beyond belief. If I read the term chocolate eyes in a fic one more time, I will scream aloud, not just silently within.
Additional Note: brown, coffee, dark tan, brunette, hazel, molasses, umber, amber, mocha, caramel, tiramisu, mahogany, walnut, sarsaparilla, oak, burnt sienna, sepia, brown sugar, dark gold, bronze, blown-glass-brown, muddy, khaki, kohl, coal, Cappuccino, nutmeg, earth, marron, maroon, and rust.
Warning: Heed the warnings here, mate. This fic is intended only as a parody, not an attack on writers for use of this phrase, although the point is obvious and it probably rates as badfic and squickfic.
Summary: As the title suggests, chocolate eyes are prevalent, except as a singular rather than plural noun.

Upon the return of the Dauntless to Port Royal, Pintel and Ragetti are sitting together in the cell in prison, awaiting their ignominious fate on the gallows.

Pintel squints at Ragetti. "Wot the bleedin' hell is that in your 'ead?"

"It's me new chocolate eye," Ragetti replies, proudly.

Pintel frowns, worriedly. "It looks like the monkey took a dump on ye. Thought maybe he'd been sleepin' on your face again. You remember how mad Captn Barbossa was, last time 'at 'appened. 'E woz attached to that monkey, 'e woz."

"Aye, 'e woz. But no, it's me new eye, see?" Ragetti pops it out, holds it up, then pops it back in again.

Pintel recoils. "Looks disgusting, mate. Take it out. The moment you step out to be hanged, it'll melt and be runnin' down your face, an' all.

"But Will Turner 'as chocolate eyes," Ragetti protests. "'At's why all the lasses like 'im, innit? And so does Capn Sparrow—'e's got chocolate eyes too." He stops. "You think maybe 'at's why they like each other, eh? Birds of a feather?

"Take it out!" Pintel grabs at him. "Lemme see it."

"Hold on, hold on!" Ragetti waves him off and pulls it out of his socket. Regarding the eye, he blows on it, saying, "Too bad me other eye ain't the same color."

Finally annoyed beyond all patience, Pintel grabs the eye and stuffs it into his mouth, chewing furiously.

"Me eye!" Ragetti shrieks in horror. "Wot'd you have to go and do that for!"

"Not bad," Pintel says, licking his lips.

"That woz me new bleedin' eye! Now I'll have to get another one, won't I?! 'Sides, that one you just ate was in me head not a moment ago."

Pintel starts to choke and retch, realizing he's just downed summat's been in the other guy's eye-socket.

"Serves you right, that. Not nice, eatin' a man's eye, 'n all." Ragetti sits and sulks.

"Now, now, we'll get you 'nother one."

"That's what you said last time. Always makin' promises, you are."

"I will! I'll get you a new one, 'at's made of somefing even finer."

"Better'n chocolate?" Ragetti perks up.

"Yeah. Better'n chocolate."

"Like wot?"

Pintel pauses, thinking. "Oh, I dunno, somefing hard and wot'll fit proper."

"Like toffee brittle? Somefing at'll last longer?" Ragetti asks eagerly.

"Aye, somfing brittle. Toffee brittle and sugar cane, so's it won't look like a bloomin' black 'ole in yer 'ead."

"Aw, 'at's really kind of you, mate. Fanks."

"If'n we can get out of 'is bleedin' cell, 'at is," Pintel grumbles.

"Knowin' you," Ragetti accuses, "you'll eat 'at one as well!"

"I won't! I won't 'is time, I promise."

"Keep your 'ands off me eyes," Ragetti warns, sitting back down. "Now I'll 'ave to make do with me wooden one." He brings it out and pops it into place with a warning glare at Pintel, who merely snorts desultorily and settles back into his place in their shared cell.