"Mmmph. Oh yes. This new oil is quite something, Jack."

"You can start moving any time now, young Turner."

"Give me a moment, or I'll come quicker than a virgin. You seem tighter today."

"That strikes me as extremely unlikely."

"Mmmm. ... Wait."

"No! Don't wait! Wait less!"

"What is this stuff? Oh Jesus. Jack, you said you'd cleaned yourself!"

"That's not what you think."

"OH?! What else could it be?"

"Well, it comes from the poppy flower, and it was about the size of a baby's fist when I put it up there earlier..."


**********


"So, James, when did you pick up the pipe?"

"About the time I put down my commission."

"Shall I show you something to do with the smoke besides just puffing it out into the air where it's wasted on... air?"

"What are you talking about? And why have you taken off your clothes?"

"Now James, just watch. First you take a glass tube, like this one. And then you stick it right... here."

"Good lord, man!"

"See, first you suck, then you blow!"


**********


Dear Messrs Turner and Sparrow,

The Wedgwood with pink roses is for tea, not laudanum. When you wake, you will put your considerable mental powers to the task of deciding whatever I am to say to Mister Galton when the footman delivers his wife.

Cordially, Your Bess


**********


Jack was beyond pleased when he found the surgeon's supply was among the raided goods from the merchantman. He was ecstatic when he saw it included tincture of opium and a syringe. Sitting naked in his cabin, he prepared the needle and spread his legs. He knew the exact spot; after all, he'd directed Will's questing tongue to it often enough. Carefully lifting his balls up and to the side, he knew the fleeting sting of the needle would soon be erased by the long floating numbness.


**********


"I find fifteen drops to be more than sufficient, Mister Sparrow." "Captain. And you're looking to sleep, Maturin, whereas I'm looking to dream."


**********


Veins collapsed, membranes of his arse dry, no water for mixing. Jack wondered if it could be sniffed like snuff. He decided to find out.


**********


By the time they got to Singapore, young Sparrow's shipmates had capitalized on the cabin boy's boastful promise to "try everything in god's creation at least the once." It had been said in a moment of youthful enthusiasm, but he certainly didn't plan on backing down now, not even after Stevens' trick with the broom handle, Green's lice, Callard's command to lick the orlop deck, and (urk) the incident with Ogilvy and the seagull just yesterday.

"You've been game these three months, young Sparrow," said Finney as he pushed the boy through the beaded curtain and into the murky room. "Now here's something I'll wager you'll want to try twice."

The dragon-headed pipe smelled sweet from lacquer and something more beguiling.

They sailed without him.


**********


The marlinspike had cut him deeply and the pain was excruciating. Wrapping a dirty rag around his hand, Jack went looking for the box. Cotton could sew him up but first he had to numb the pain. He smeared the sticky resin into the gash and soon he didn't care that he could see the bone.


**********


"You're wasting the smoke again, commodore."

"Sparrow, I'm not using the bloody tube until you've cleaned it. Repeatedly."

"Stubborn bastard."

"Mmm, quite. Stop fidgeting!"

"It's just ... the waste!"

"Oh for heaven's sake. Come closer."

"You're not going to clout me again, are you?"

"My resolve is waning. Come closer."

"Your face is quite peculiar from two inches away, did you know—ah, that old trick."

"Waste not, want not."

"Oh, but I want."


**********


From HMS Surprise, Portsmouth harbour

My dear Captain,

Please accept this small token in gratitude of our most pleasant evening the 21st inst. I was not aware you enjoyed the bounty of the natural world as I do. This leaf is the great herb of the world, as I am sure you will find. Please to place several drops of our mutual vice upon a small bolus, if you will, and place between your molar teeth (which I presume you are still in possession of) and masticate until thoroughly broken down.

I beg you will be so good as to not inform Captain Aubrey of our correspondence. He would not understand.

I remain

YrMstObtSvt

SM


**********


"Ow. OW!" "Not working?" "OW OW OW OW OW BLOODY FUCKING OUCH!" "Try the ear next time, Jack." "At least have the decency to stop laughing about it, whelp!"


**********


"Scarlett darling, Giselle my sweet, won't you share the pipe? It is my pipe after all."

"Why Jackie, don't you like watching us suck on it?"

"You know I do, Scarlett, but I'd like to suck on it as well."

"Well then, suppose I asked lovely Giselle to lie back, like this, and spread her creamy thighs, like this. And then suppose I blew a mouthful of smoke right in here."

It wasn't as efficient as a pipe, but the sounds Giselle made more than made up for it.


**********


"What about on biscuits?" Jack was positively draped over two of the kitchen chairs.

James shuddered. "We tried that, and it was a 'no'."

"Ah." Jack pushed around the remains of a china cup with his toe. "Shame about the tea, though."

"Yes," James said, peering sadly into the empty lockbox.

"In porridge, perhaps?"

Those dark eyes, James thought, could look so obscenely hopeful. "It's worth a try," he said, and hoisted the kettle back over the fire.

"Shame about the tea," Sparrow repeated.

James busied himself with the porridge. Cook's shadow darkened the threshhold. There were suddenly oats everywhere.

"Cook! We were just—er, I was just—that is to say..." James looked wildly about for that damnable Sparrow who was, of course, nowhere to be seen.


**********


Jack wasn't sure it would work, but Will seemed eager to try and he supposed it couldn't hurt. Quite the opposite, in fact. He lay back on his elbows and watched as young Will controlled his coughing enough to inhale a lungful of the pungent smoke. Holding it in his mouth, Will set the pipe carefully aside and moved to lean over Jack's hard prick. Jack watched smoke trickle from the corners of Will's mouth as he opened his lips just enough to slide over Jack's cock. As Will blew him, Jack waited to see if he would feel the familiar haze descending.


**********


"Oh, I do love a fat Indiaman, don't you, Bess?"

" 'Mister Jones' in front of the captives, please. And I couldn't agree more, Captain Sparrow."

"Pintel, Ragetti, see to the officers' cabins—and stay out of the Madeira this time, mind!—Gibbs, you and the rest are to keep your pistols trained on the crew. Bess—"

"Mister Jones."

"Sorry, Mister Jones and I will inspect the hold. After you, sir. Brave lad."

"Subtle, Jack. Very subtle."

"One does one's best."

"Indeed. The master's keys, if you please."

"Love, I've got thirty employees of the East India Company topside snarling for our heads. This is hardly the time for doggerel."

"And the third key's the charm."

"Not even a smile? Come on, Bess. That was funny, and you know it!"

"There's nothing funny about this."

"To the contrary. I think—Oh. I see what you mean."

"Poppy resin. To trade for tea in Bombay, you think?"

"I know. Best get this back to Pearl. Then we'll crack open a crate to see if it's the fine stuff."

"If it's the fine stuff, we'll kill ourselves smoking before the week's out. God's balls, Jack, there's enough here to bathe in."

"That's not a way I was ever taught, but I suppose there's no harm in trying."


**********


Jack had to admit it: He was brilliant. Utterly fucking brilliant. Of course, he had known it for ages, but even James would have to realize it now. He poured more of the fine Jamaican rum into a tumbler where it glowed with amber potency. Then, using a small silver spoon, he carefully scooped a generous amount of the poppy resin into the rum. He stirred, four times clockwise and four times anti, and the resin was completely dissolved. Jack took a sip. Perfect. Sweet rum made just a bit sweeter. He went to find James.