Captain Jack Sparrow: I wish to make a complaint!

Unnamed Disney Entity: We're closin' for lunch.

CJS: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this commodore what I purchased not half a movie ago from this very establishment.

UDE: Oh yes, the, uh, the James Norrington. What's, uh... What's wrong with it?

CJS: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's demoted, that's what's wrong with it!

UDE: No, no, 'e's uh. He's incognito.

CJS: Look, matey, I know demoted when I see it, and I'm looking at it right now.

UDE: No no he's not demoted; he's lullin' the surrounding pirates into a false sense of security! Remarkable sailor, James Norrington, i'n'e, ay? Beautiful uniform!

CJS: The uniform don't enter into it. He's stone drunk and covered in pig shit.

UDE: Nonononono, no, no! 'E's hiding in plain sight!

CJS: All right, then, if he's hiding in plain sight I'll rat him out! 'Ello, Commodore! Mr. Commodore Norrington! I've got a letter of marque from Cutler Beckett if you—

[Norrington tries to shoot Jack]

UDE: There, he attacked you!

CJS: No, he didn't, that was you getting him piss-drunk and giving him a gun!

UDE: I never!!

CJS: Yes, you did!

UDE: I never, never did anything—

CJS: 'ELLO, COMMODORE! COMMODORE NORRINGTON!!! Testing! Testing! This is your letter from the Admiralty!

[Norrington glowers balefully and Elizabeth thumps him with a bottle of rum. Throws him out of the tavern and watches him land in the pig pen.]

CJS: Now that's what I call a demoted commodore.

UDE: No, no ... No, 'e's stunned!

CJS: STUNNED!!?!

UDE: Yeah! You stunned 'im, just as he was sobering up! James Norringtons stun easily, Cap'n.

CJS: Now look, mate, I've definitely had enough of this. That commodore has definitely lost his post, and when I purchased it not half a movie ago you assured me its total lack of a command was due to it awaiting news of a new commission following a prolonged battle with undead pirates.

UDE: Well he's, ah, he's probably pining for Elizabeth.

CJS: PININ' for ELIZABETH!?!?!?! What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I brought him home?

UDE: The James Norrington prefers keepin' on its back. Remarkable sailor, isn't it, squire? Lovely uniform!

CJS: Look, I took the liberty of examining that commodore when I got home and I discovered that the only reason his wig had been sitting on his head in the first place was that it'd been NAILED there.

[pause]

UDE: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If we hadn't nailed that wig down it would have nuzzled up to that hat, flipped it right off his head and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

CJS: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this wig wouldn't "voom" if you put voodoo magic through it! Jamie's hit bleedin' rock bottom!

UDE: No, no, 'e's pining!

CJS: 'E's not pining! 'E's lost his rank! This commodore is no more! He's ceased to be! He's been kicked out and gone to be a pirate! 'E's a lush! Bereft of direction, he gets drunk in Tortuga! If you hadn't nailed the wig to his head it would have left him to rot! 'Is metabolic processes are now exclusively rum-based! 'E's off his nut! 'E's lost all hope, 'e's shuffled off to drown his sorrows, hit self-destruct and joined the bleedin' ranks of the Drunk Bastards! THIS IS AN EX-COMMODORE!!!

[pause]

UDE: Well, I'd better replace it then. [He has a quick peek behind the counter.] Sorry, squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and, uh, we're right out of commodores.

CJS: I see. I see, I get the picture.

UDE: I got a blacksmith.

CJS: Pray, does it hunt pirates?

UDE: Nnnnnnnot really.

CJS: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, THEN, IS IT?!?!!?!?!??


...


My Two Cents: Right, so the Dead Parrot Sketch is property of Monty Python (Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Michael Palin, and Terry Gilliam). Everything else is Pirates, and therefore Disney. And I have some serious sanity issues to work through. In the meantime, though, do enjoy!