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The Great Escape?
by Jackyblu
Just a little fun with House and Wilson. Thanks to firesideguy for the beta and wisdom on all things motorcycle. (Actually, if Wilson had accelerated the bike the way I suggested, both he and House would have been tossed on their arses, gravity and momentum being what they are, not nearly as dramatic an exit. Well, that's why this is fiction. Wait...this is fiction written about fiction. Wow, my world has really come unraveled since the Emmy's!)
It was a warm autumn day and they were both enjoying the late afternoon sun. Wilson had dumped the lab coat and rolled up his sleeves. House, who never wore a lab coat had thrown his jacket over his chair and was left wearing jeans and a tee shirt that listed the1996 tour dates for The Who.
"What is the differential diagnosis for a forty something adult male acting like an overgrown teenager?" Dr. James Wilson asked as he and Dr. Gregory House leaned over the wall of the balcony outside House's office.
"Boredom?" House answered concentrating his sizeable intellect on the situation at hand.
"You could write a paper? Do research? See patients?" This comment earned Wilson a sour look from House.
"Dropping water balloons from the balcony is more fun," he stated obviously.
"Isn't that Dr. Chambers from the anesthesiology department?" Wilson asked as he squinted down toward the street.
"Yup." SPLASH "And that was a direct hit. Duck!" The two esteemed doctors dropped behind the wall. They sat on the concrete with their backs up against it, listening carefully.
"HOUSE!!!" Came an angry bark from the ground below.
"How'd he know?"
"You're kidding, right?"
"Why do people always assume that when something happens the least little bit out of the ordinary..."
"Or completely out of control..."
"That I had something to do with it?"
"Oh, I don't know. How about Occam's razor? The simplest explanation."
"Sure, blame the guy holding the brick and standing next to the broken window. That's prejudicial!" House got to his feet. "Think Chambers is mad at us?"
"As a wet hen." Wilson stood too, dusting off the seat of his neatly pressed slacks. "And what do you mean,at us? I didn't hit him with a water balloon."
"That's the great thing about guilt by association. Any way, weren't you the one who embarrassed him in front of his colleagues in the scrub room?"
Wilson grinned at the memory. "Which time? You'll need to be more specific."
House raised an eyebrow. "I only heard about the soap incident. There were others?"
"Possibly."
"How many?"
"Current count? Eleven."
"Eleven is an uneven number. Do you want partial credit for this? It will even things out."
"Actually, I have something planned for Tuesday that involves a female first year med student, whipped cream, and a stethoscope."
House looked adoringly at Wilson. "Jimmy, I've never been so proud!"
"Thank you. That means so much coming from you."
We should probably get out of here before the drip shows up."
"Too late!" Wilson said eyes opened wide.
"HOUSE!!! WILSON!!!" Screamed a very damp and disgruntled Dr. Chambers from the interior of House's office.
"Quick, over the wall!"
"Remember if we're captured..."
"Name, state and phone number?"
"Have you ever actually seen a war movie?" They sat on the wall and swung their legs over. Chambers was on his way out onto the balcony as Wilson hurriedly opened the door leading to his office from the adjacent balcony. They rushed inside and House closed and locked the door. They hurried through Wilson's office to make their exit through the outer office where Wilson's secretary sat. Margie was an efficient fifty-ish woman with a quick smile, kind nature and a definite soft spot for her two trouble making boys.
"You didn't see us." Wilson said to her.
"Who are you two hiding from today?" She asked barely looking up from her paperwork. "I don't want any trouble with Dr. Cuddy," she added.
"Dr. Chambers," House said in a secretive voice. "We suspect he may be a spy for the Gestapo."
"Who?" She inquired.
"Anesthesiologist, 5'11", blond, tan, full of crap," Wilson supplied.
"And all wet," House added helpfully.
"Oh, him. He's an ass." She nodded in understanding at her boss, and being used to the eccentricities of his best friend, she went along with the scenario. "I'll let you know when it's safe to make a break for it." She nodded her head as a warning. "Here he comes." House and Wilson dropped from sight behind the counter in front of Margie's desk.
"Where the hell are they?" Chambers demanded.
"I assume you are looking for Doctors Wilson and House," Margie answered eyeing Dr. Chambers as if he were something you would find under your shoe.
"You're damn right I am! They can't treat me this way! I am the head of my department!"
"They head their departments," she answered looking at the paper in her hand.
I have been published in the New England Journal of Medicine!"
"So have they, on several occasions," Margie answered smiling.
"I serve on the board of this hospital!"
"As does Dr. Wilson."
"My wife's father is a large contributor to this hospital," he said pompously. "I am tired of those two going out of their way to humiliate me!"
"I wouldn't be too concerned. I'm sure they don't have to go far out of their way." She smiled kindly at him.
"I don't have to take this from a stupid secretary!"
"No, you don't. Please close the door on your way out," Margie said before returning to her paperwork and dismissing him completely.
"You tell Wilson and House that this is not finished!" He pounded the counter with his fist for emphasis.
"Well, I'll try, but I may be too stupid to remember the message." She tapped her pen against her temple and looked puzzled. "Nope sorry, forgotten already. Who did you say you were again?"
House snickered as quietly as he could, and Wilson was leaning against him with a hand over his mouth shaking with laughter. Margie had earned candy and flowers from them for this performance.
"I'm going to Doctor Cuddy about this!" Chambers sputtered as he turned to leave.
"Be sure you get an appointment from her secretary," Margie said helpfully. "Who ever that is this week," She added with a shrug.
Chambers stormed out of the office cursing.
"All clear," she said addressing the floor. "He's on his way to the Commandant."
House smiled at her for understanding his war movie reference. "Good thing. I was beginning to think we would have to tunnel out."
Wilson checked his watch. "Its 4:30. We have half an hour before we can make our escape. How are we going to evade Cuddy that long?"
"Change of clothing, forged papers, three tunnels, and a diversion. Then, we take my bike and jump the barbed wire fence to freedom." House answered.
"What?"
House eyed him suspiciously. "You really don't know?"
Margie answered for him, "So that you can both make your 'Great Escape'."
Wilson looked at her completely bewildered.
Margie and House stared at him.
"The Great Escape," House said exasperated.
"It's a movie set during the Second World War," Margie explained.
"A Steve McQueen movie!" House was nearly having apoplexy. "James Garner, Sir Richard Attenborough, Charles Bronson, James Coburn, the little doctor guy on NCIS!"
"David McCallum," Margie supplied.
"Right, him!" House exclaimed agreeing with Margie. Wilson shrugged. House and Margie shot each other shocked looks.
"Sorry," Wilson apologized to both of them. "Guess I missed it. When did it come out?"
"1963."
Wilson placed his hands on his hips. "Oh. Six years before I was born then." He could have sworn he had heard both Margie and House growl at him.
House gave Margie a sincere promise. "I'll tie him to a chair and make him watch it."
"Do that," she said touchily. "He's in need of an education. Don't forget 'The Dirty Dozen' and 'Stalag 17'!"
"Both classics," House agreed eyeing Wilson irritably for some sign of recognition.
Wilson thought that he had better change the subject before these two decided to make him watch every picture ever made about the Second World War. "How long do we have before Cuddy invades this office?"
"Less than a minute," House answered with a note of panic. "Must have met her in the hall." He could see Doctors Cuddy and Chambers heading their way, and to say that neither of them looked happy would have been a monumental understatement. "She's got the informant with her."
"Looks like she's going to put us against the wall and have us shot!" Wilson stated nervously.
"Margie! Buy us some time darling." House grabbed Wilson by the shoulder and they retreated back through Wilson's office and back out onto the balcony. House looked over the edge. "Think we could jump?"
"Yes. However the landing from two floors might prove problematic especially for the older guy with the cane."
House narrowed his eyes at Wilson. "Oh? Jews bounce do they?"
"Shh!" Wilson smacked House on the arm. "Not so loud. We're in occupied Germany and the guards are hunting for us."
House was pleased that Wilson was finally getting into the spirit of his musings. His flights of fancy were always more entertaining when his best friend joined in. However, it did not change the fact that there were two people actively looking for them with evil intent. "Quick! Back over the wall!" They sat on the wall between the two balconies again, and swung their legs over. They crossed the balcony and entered House's office.
"Chambers isn't going to fall for this again! He's probably on his way to your office to cut off our escape now, and...oh damn, he's brought Cuddy!" Both doctors were now just outside the conference room of the Department of Diagnostic Medicine effectively cutting off their escape. Dr. Chambers was ranting away to Dr. Cuddy who nodded and looked sternly through the glass wall at House and Wilson.
"Looks like we are going to do some serious time in the cooler for this." House picked up the red rubber ball he had taken from a kid at the airport figuring he would need it to while away the additional hours he had just earned himself locked in the clinic. "Think the Geneva convention covers this?"
"I doubt it." They braced themselves for the reprisal.
Cuddy and Chambers were about to breach House's office from the conference room when they both stopped. They reached down and removed their pagers and read them. For a moment they stared holes through their prey before leaving the office of Diagnostic Medicine.
"What just happened?" Wilson asked House. House's pager went off. He pulled it from his belt, read the message and smiled.
"A diversion happened." He showed it to Wilson. It read: Sent message that the anesthesiology department had a pipe burst. Head for Switzerland! Margie of the French Underground. "What time is it?" House asked still smiling.
"Four forty-five. Can we make Switzerland on your bike?"
"We can if we're able to bust out of here without being stopped." House grabbed his jacket, backpack and helmet. They went through the office and out into the hall looking furtively up and down for signs of the enemy. Wilson hurried into his office and retrieved his jacket and briefcase. Then on impulse he dashed to Margie's desk and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.
She blushed and shook her head. "Get out of here before they set the dogs on you two."
Wilson returned to join House in the hallway outside of his office. "How are we going to get past the guard tower?" He asked, meaning Cuddy's office.
"This place has back doors doesn't it? We could go through the ER and sneak out through the ambulance bay, go around to the front and get the bike."
"You sure? That's an awfully long way to limp."
"Fair point. You bring our ride around."
"Me? I've never driven a motorcycle in my life! I don't even like ridding on the back with you. Especially not with you!"
"All the more reason that no one would suspect this. It's the perfect escape plan."
"Except for the me driving the motorcycle part. I can't do this!"
House shrugged his shoulders as if to say, 'All right, you win'. "Which punishment do you think Cuddy will impose on you, extra clinic hours or scheduling Chambers as the anesthesiologist every time you step into the OR? I'm betting on the latter." House attempted a sympathetic look.
Wilson considered House's words for a moment. "I can do this."
"That's the spirit Jimmy!"
"If I die..."
"It would save me the trouble of killing you for spoiling my ride."
"Your concern for my safety is..."
"Yeah, yeah. You're welcome. Now get!"
"Going. Give me your helmet, if I'm seen I'd like people to think it's you!"
He handed it to him and added sarcastically, "Good plan. We look just alike. Both 6'2", wearing jeans and Nikes, and walking with a cane." House raised his eyebrows and locked huge blue eyes on his best friend. Idiot.
"Okay, give me your cane too. You can keep your pants."
"Sure thing. Where would you like it?" House held it in such a way as to make his intent clear.
Wilson gave House a disgusted look before leaving out the ER doors to retrieve the motorcycle from the parking garage around the front of the hospital. House tried to stay out of sight of both staff and patients. He grabbed a magazine and sat in a chair. His pager went off again. Cursing silently, he unclipped it from his belt and read the message. It was Cameron wanting him to call her. This couldn't be good. As they did not have a case, at the moment, and it was 5:00 p.m. on a Friday, he decided to ignore it. He noticed that several of the waiting patients and their family members were eyeing him suspiciously, was there a doctor in their midst? Houses needed to nip this in the bud before his cover was blown. He pulled his pager off his belt and held it up. "Sorry. Plumber," he said simply. That was all the explanation needed to placate the room. They all went back to ignoring him. Unbelievable, he thought shaking his head. I'll need to remember this in the future. He returned to paging through an ancient People magazine with Ben Affleck and J Lo on the cover.
Wilson entered the waiting room looking around. House tossed aside the magazine and stood up so that Wilson would see him. Wilson crossed the room to join him. "I thought you'd be near the ambulance bay waiting. What are you doing here near patients?"
"Hiding in plain sight. The cripple guy disguise works well here," he indicated his attire and cane with a wave of his left hand. They started walking toward the exam rooms. "What took you so long? I went through a 'Time', an 'US', and a 'People' while I was waiting for you."
"You read all three magazines while I was gone?"
"I looked at the pictures. What did you do, push my bike here?" House mocked.
"As a matter of fact."
He stopped walking and stared in disbelief at Wilson. "What? Could you be a bigger wuss?" He was about to carry on this tirade when someone caught his eye. Across the far side of the room was Cameron, and she was obviously looking for him. "Oh oh," House said eyes wide. Dr. Chambers was right beside her.
"What's wrong?"
"Cameron paged me and I didn't call back, now she's here looking for me. The woman is about to betray us to the enemy." House said quietly while trying to move behind a post. "Hide!" he hissed. Wilson dropped onto one knee as if he were tying his shoe. He was hoping the waiting room chairs and the people in them would effectively hide him from view.
"Excuse me," a very polite female voice asked. "Did you see two men in here a moment ago? One is young, kind of cute, with dark hair, wearing grey slacks, a blue shirt, and a red tie."
House looked at Wilson and rolled his eyes. 'Cute,' he mouthed to Wilson.
"The other," a decidedly not polite male voice interrupted, "is old, wrinkled, unshaven, wearing jeans, probably a rock tee shirt, and using a cane."
Wilson looked at House and smirked. 'Old,' he mouthed.
A third voice was then heard to say, "They were standing on the other side of the room a moment ago. I didn't see them leave."
"Thank you," came Cameron's voice. "You were right Dr. Chambers. You said that House had gone with Wilson to the ER. I still can't figure out why they would be here unless they were checking on a case. But, that just seems so unlikely at 5 o'clock on a Friday night, at least for Dr. House."
"I appreciate your help Dr. Cameron. Dr. Cuddy and I have a few matters to discuss with them tonight!" He said it loud enough to carry across the room to the pair he suspected were hiding nearby.
"What are we going to do?" Wilson whispered to House. "I can't stay down here forever, I'm getting a cramp." He began to massage his leg.
"Poor you." House hissed back. "Can't imagine what that kind of leg pain is like." His Vicodin was wearing off and it was making him snarky.
Wilson winced. He usually was more sensitive to House's pain. "Sorry."
House waved the apology off. "Not your fault. It's Cameron's. She ratted us out, and now we need another diversion to get out of here. Where is Steve McQueen when we need him?" Then House had an epiphany. Steve McQueen. Rat. House stepped out from behind the pillar and pointed at the ground. He shouted at Wilson. "Did you see it?"
"Huh?" An alarmed Wilson looked up at House as if he had lost his mind.
"The rat! It was huge! Just went under that lady's chair!" He pointed at the unfortunate woman to the left of Wilson's position.
"Oh, yes," Wilson said catching on. "Huge! It went right between her feet!" He pointed from his kneeling position.
House moved to the left behind Wilson and pointed with his cane. "There it is! Don't try to catch it they bite! Filthy beasts are loaded with disease." This had the desired effect of panicking the entire room of waiting people. When people in a hospital waiting room suddenly cry out and jump to their feet, staff members tend to notice. The place began to fill with attendants, nurses, maintenance workers and everyone else who was free. People were pointing in every direction and hospital employees were alternately trying to calm them and look for the 'rat'. Panicky patients cornered doctors Cameron and Chambers because they were foolish enough to still be wearing lab coats after 5:00 p.m. on a Friday night. Diversion complete, House reached down and took Wilson by the arm and dragged him to his feet.
"Ouch! Take it easy, will you."
"Time to fly Jimmy. Unless you would rather stay and explain to the Dean of Medicine why her ER is in an uproar?"
"I could just blame you." Wilson said grumpily while he rubbed feeling back into his leg.
"Yeah, but there is that whole guilt by association thing again." House graced him with a tight smile.
"Right, I keep forgetting. Hanging out with a criminal mastermind gets you thrown in prison too. Actually it's sort of an inevitability with you." He cut his eyes at House.
"I'm glad you appreciate the situation. Now we have really overstayed our welcome." He pointed toward the far side of the room where Dr. Chambers was extracting himself from a hysterical woman by foisting her off on Cameron and heading their way. The Dean of Medicine herself, who raised her voice to the roof, was joining him. "DR. HOUSE! DR. WILSON!"
"Wow! Look at the time. We really do have to be going." Wilson grabbed House's helmet from the floor and his briefcase and they made for the exam room entrance leaving the chaos they created behind. They moved as fast as they could through an obstacle course of sick people, doctors, nurses, and techs. They dodged wheel chairs, and gurneys. All the while Cuddy and Chambers were closing in. They saw the exit to the ambulance bay ahead. Wilson stayed right with House, who was moving as fast as his impediment allowed. They could hear rapid footsteps. Cuddy and Chambers had broken into a jog.
"Well that's not fair," House complained as he looked back over his shoulder. He tried to limp faster. As they passed a gurney, Wilson pulled it across the hallway and locked the wheels as House continued on ahead. Wilson caught him up at the exit. "It was a nice gesture," House said looking back at the gurney, "but..." Cuddy and Chambers easily made their way around it, as it wasn't as long as the hallway was wide.
They went through the automatic doors out to the ambulance bay and House's motorcycle, which waited, parked to one side so that it didn't end up under an emergency vehicle's wheels. Wilson was about to hand the helmet to House, when the door opened.
"No time! Get on!" Wilson pushed the helmet on his head and jumped on anxiously. House jammed his cane in its holder and stepped up onto the footrest with his left leg and pulled his right leg over the rear seat giving Wilson a thorough training as he mounted. "Left hand clutch, left toe shift. Right foot rear brake, right hand throttle and front brake. Don't kill us!" Cuddy and Chambers were through the doors and nearly on them. Alarmed, Wilson started the bike, put it in gear and twisted the throttle. The rear tire spun on the concrete before catching hold and laying a thick stripe of rubber down as the front tire pointed heavenward and hung there as if on a wire. When it returned to earth the bike shot forward with a sound that wouldn't have been out of place at a NASCAR rally. Dr. Chambers cursed loudly. Dr. Cuddy had difficulty remembering how to close her mouth.
The drive from Princeton Plainsboro Teaching hospital to the residence of Dr. Gregory House was about twenty minutes. House could do it in around fifteen when he was on his bike and disregarding all laws created by mortal man. Wilson did it in twelve flat. When the motorcycle stopped, House released the death grip he didn't realize he had around Wilson's waist. Wilson removed the helmet grinning literally from ear to ear. House waited until Wilson had climbed off before he helped his right leg over the seat. He steadied himself with one hand on the seat while Wilson removed the cane from its holder. House took the cane and slowly walked to his front door. Wilson followed behind nearly dancing. House got the front door unlocked and opened it; he dropped his backpack as he limped across the floor to a sideboard and removed a heavy glass and a bottle of scotch. He poured himself two fingers worth and downed it in one. Wilson was still grinning as he closed the door.
"That was so great! I had no idea that driving a motorcycle was that much fun! There is so much more freedom on a bike than in a car. So much more maneuverability! Wilson set his briefcase by the door and hung up his jacket. "Did you see the way I took it around that truck? And the way we cleared that intersection just before the light turned?" He was excitedly recounting the entire drive to House, who picked up the scotch and poured himself another stiff one. "Hey, let me drive us again sometime."
House downed the drink in a gulp. He turned and looked at Wilson in disbelief. He was ghostly pale and his eyes were the color of ice. "Are you out of your mind? I was never more terrified in my life, including the infarction, and when my heart stopped!"
"So that's a no then." Wilson said sounding disappointed.
"NO!" House stated adamantly eyes wide. He limped over to the sofa and dropped on to it.
"Wuss," Wilson said under his breath. He went into the kitchen.
"What?"
"Nothing. Do you want dinner?" He didn't wait for an answer but opened the refrigerator and helped himself to the only beer remaining. One quick look settled the question as to what they would be having for dinner tonight. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "Pizza or Chinese?" He called to the living room. When no one answered he made an executive decision. "Pizza it is!" He ordered a large with everything, and promised a big tip if the delivery guy brought a six-pack of Henry Weinhard's private reserve. The dinner issue now solved he returned with his beer and sat on the couch next to House who eyed him or more accurately the beer.
"Isn't that my last one?"
"Yup. I figured since you're two drinks in, its time I caught up. Relax, I've got some Henry's coming with the pizza."
House nodded satisfied by the answer. The phone rang. Neither of them rose to answer it. Wilson casually checked his watch. "One hour, ten minutes," he announced.
"Pretty slow. She's loosing her touch," House commented dryly.
By the sixth ring the answering machine came on. 'Can't come to the phone right now, busy with a hooker and as time is literally money with her, don't expect a call back anytime soon.' Beep.
The voice of Dr. Lisa Cuddy came into the room. "Good evening Dr. House, Dr. Wilson. I just thought I'd let you boys know that I called out an exterminator to solve our 'rat' problem. We moved all our nervous patients to other exam rooms and closed the ER so that the exterminator could go through the entire lower level of the hospital. The bill for this will of course be forwarded to you. I'm not sure of the exact figure, but lets say that it will set you back several hookers. In addition, Dr. House you now owe me an extra month of clinic duty. Dr. Wilson you will be spending that same month working closely with Dr. Chambers as his assistant. Have a nice weekend boys. See you in my office at 9:00 a.m. Monday morning." Click.
They turned their heads slightly and looked at each other.
"So," Wilson said picking up the remote and placing his feet on the coffee table. "You got the 'Great Escape' on this thing?"
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Legal Disclaimer: The authors published here make no claims on the ownership of Dr. Gregory House and the other fictional residents of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Like the television show House (and quite possibly Dr. Wilson's pocket protector), they are the property of NBC/Universal, David Shore and undoubtedly other individuals of whom I am only peripherally aware. The fan fiction authors published here receive no monetary benefit from their work and intend no copyright infringement nor slight to the actual owners. We love the characters and we love the show, otherwise we wouldn't be here.
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