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Meow
by lawnmowerelf
The first thing House realized as he slowly returned to consciousness was that he wasn't in any pain. With his eyes still closed he carefully flexed his right leg, breath catching when there wasn't even a twinge of discomfort. Then a moment later, he realized that his leg wasn't moving quite the way it was supposed to. Pain or no pain, that couldn't be good.
One eye blinked open, then slammed shut again. Obviously he was still asleep, since there was no possible way that everything in his room was actually that much bigger than it should be. Or else he had accidentally overdosed on Vicodin and was hallucinating. Yes, that was probably it, though if it was he still wasn't going to admit it to Wilson.
After a few more minutes of lying there with his eyes tightly shut, House finally took a deep breath and cautiously cracked his eyes open again. He sighed explosively when everything still looked way too big, and tried to curse. He barely got a sound out before he was snapping his mouth closed, trying to convince himself that the noise that had come out of his mouth wasn't actually a yowl.
Unfortunately, no matter how hard he tried he couldn't deny the fact that something had gone terribly wrong while he was asleep and he was going to have to deal with it, whatever it was. So he braced himself, lifted his head and looked down at his body.
Which was now small, furry, and dare he say it? Cute. He was definitely feline, though he didn't even have the very small dignity of being a full-grown cat. No, he was a small, gray tabby kitten.
Suddenly he heard his front door opening, and he jumped. Then he let out a small, feline groan. It had to be Wilson, as Wilson was the only other person with a key to his apartment. And Wilson was going to see him, and that was not good. No one needed to see him while he was small and furry and cute. Not even Wilson. Maybe especially not Wilson.
House could hear Wilson's footsteps coming closer as he tried to push himself to his feet, which was difficult as he had four of them now and they didn't quite want to work in sync. He wiggled around until he was able to burrow partially under the blankets, but only his head was hidden when Wilson rapped on the bedroom door and then pushed it open.
"House, are you awake?" The footsteps came closer, and then House was being pulled backwards and lifted into the air. "House, when did you get a cat?"
A moment later, he was face to face with Wilson. House did his best to glare at him, though he had no idea how effective it would be coming from a kitten, and swiped at Wilson's face with one paw. Though he did keep his sharp little kitten-claws sheathed. He didn't want to draw blood, after all. That would be too messy.
Wilson blinked. "Wow. I know they say that pets start to resemble their owners, but this is ridiculous." He glanced around the room, frowning when he noticed House's clothes in a messy heap on the bed. "House, where are you?"
Wilson poked his head in the bathroom, still holding kitten!House and absently rubbing his furry head. House was just trying his best not to start purring at the relaxing sensation of having his ears scratched. He grumbled a bit when Wilson's hand suddenly froze on his head, until he realized what had caused it.
Wilson was staring at his abandoned cane, leaning against the wall by the bedroom door.
House let out a kitten sigh, and butted his head against Wilson's hand. As much as he didn't want Wilson to know what had happened to him, it just wouldn't do for the other man to think he'd been the victim of foul play. When he changed back, and he would, Wilson would give him that sad, wounded look and then House would feel guilty, something which should be avoided at all costs.
So once Wilson was looking down at him again House pushed up onto his hind legs, bracing his front paws on Wilson's chest. He met Wilson's eyes, let out a sharp meow, and thumped one paw against the other man for emphasis. And when Wilson's eyes started to widen in shock, House flashed him a kitten smirk.
"House, is that you? Or are you hiding somewhere just waiting to jump out and scare me half to death?"
House's eyes widened innocently as he nodded his head slowly and deliberately. Then he was jerked up until he was literally nose to nose with Wilson. One of Wilson's hands was holding his furry body up, and the other was resting on the back of his neck.
"Is this really you, House? Give me a sign, or something."
House glared at him for a moment, then smirked and leaned forward to lick the end of Wilson's nose. He let out a feline laugh when Wilson reached up to wipe off his now-damp nose.
"Yeah, it's you, all right. No real kitten could possibly be this obnoxious. How on earth did this happen?"
House let out an inquisitive meow and attempted to shrug, though he didn't quite manage it. How was he supposed to know how things like this happened? It wasn't like he'd ever woken up as a cat before.
Wilson just sighed. "Of course you have no idea. That would be too easy. I guess you'd better come with me to the hospital. You can either stay in my office, as long as you don't get into trouble, or your fellows can watch you." He sighed again at kitten!House's frantic head-shaking. "Yes, I know you don't want anyone to see you like this. That's tough. You're coming in with me anyway."
House grumbled quietly as Wilson carried him into the living room. He hated to admit it, but Wilson was right...and much bigger than he was. If the other man wanted to take him somewhere, he didn't have much choice in the matter. At least it seemed that Wilson could understand him, even though he couldn't talk.
And as Wilson locked the front door and carried him out to his car, something occurred to him. There were actually benefits to being a small, cute kitten. Just think of all the trouble he could get into, all the places he could go where no one would notice him. The possibilities were nearly endless. Maybe this whole cat thing would be fun, after all.
* * *
It didn't take long for Wilson to drive to the hospital, though he did glance over at the gray kitten sitting in the passenger seat every few minutes. House just sat there primly, blue eyes wide and innocent, attempting to lull Wilson into a false sense of security by playing up his cute kitten-ness. He wasn't sure it was working, though.
In fact, he was pretty sure that it hadn't worked when Wilson pulled into the hospital parking lot, picked kitten!House up, got out of the car and carefully dropped him into the pocket of his lab coat. He grumbled quietly as he wiggled around trying to get his feet back under him, something made even more difficult in the limited space of Wilson's coat pocket due to the coat's swaying as Wilson walked.
Nope, he didn't have Wilson fooled. He'd just have to be sneakier. There was no way that Wilson could keep an eye on him all day. He'd just have to bide his time, and wait for an opening.
It wasn't until Wilson was in his office that House was able to poke his head up out of the coat pocket. He only had time to glance around before Wilson had picked him up by the scruff of the neck. The next thing he knew, he was hanging in mid-air, almost nose to nose with a very stern Wilson.
"House, please try not to get into any trouble. If the wrong person finds you while you're still a cat, you could wind up in the animal shelter and I'd never be able to find you again."
House was quiet as Wilson sat him on the floor by his desk. Winding up stuck in a cage at the animal shelter wasn't something he had considered, but he wasn't going to allow the admittedly unpleasant possibility to keep him from having some fun. He'd just have to be especially careful.
He prowled around Wilson's office for a while, both getting used to moving in his new body and waiting for a chance to escape. He was just starting to get really bored when opportunity quite literally knocked.
One of the nurses had poked her head in, and the open office door was calling him with its promise of freedom and mischief. He slunk towards it, keeping himself low to the ground and close to the wall to avoid detection. He had to stop himself from letting out the feline version of a chuckle when he realized that the theme to Mission: Impossible was ringing in his head. Then, with a victorious flick of his tail, he was free.
He looked around the hallway, and nearly cackled with glee when he noticed that the doors to the Diagnostics conference room were wide open, and all three of his fellows were present. He slipped inside, doing his best for the moment to remain inconspicuous so he could scope out the terrain.
Cameron was doing paperwork while Chase and Foreman were apparently working on a crossword puzzle, and not doing too well from the sounds of their complaining. He snuck under the conference table without being seen, and was presented with an irresistible temptation: Cameron had her legs crossed and one foot was absently swinging back and forth.
House got himself balanced properly on his paws, licked his whiskers in anticipation and pounced.
Cameron shrieked and jumped back from the table the instant he got his front paws around her ankle, once again making sure he kept his claws sheathed. After all, he didn't want anyone to bleed on his carpet. That would be messy.
All of a sudden he was nose to nose with Chase who had crawled partway under the table to see what had scared Cameron. House widened his eyes and tried his best to look cute and harmless, something that apparently worked much better on Chase than it had on Wilson as the Australian smiled and reached in to gently pull him out.
"Cameron, it's just a kitten." Chase cradled kitten!House to his chest, his free hand rubbing the furry ears. "I didn't know you were afraid of cats."
Cameron huffed at him, tucking her hair behind her ears. "I'm not, Chase. It attacked my foot." Then she frowned. "What's a kitten doing running around in the hospital, anyway?"
"Maybe someone smuggled it in for one of the patients." Foreman shrugged when both of the other doctors turned to stare at him. "It's possible. Maybe some kid tried to sneak it in for a sibling, and the cat got away."
House wasn't paying much attention to the conversation, most of his attention focused on not purring, which was fairly difficult as Chase was hitting all the right spots as he rubbed his ears. He'd had no idea that the other man was so talented. His eyes were at half-mast and he had started pushing his head into Chase's hand when he heard the one voice he didn't want to hear coming from the still-open doors.
"Have any of you seen a gray tabby kitten?"
House's eyes flew open and he jumped from Chase's hold, extremely thankful that he was able to land on his feet. He dashed for the door, darting quickly around Wilson's legs and into the hallway. He'd come back to the ducklings later. There was still lots of fun to be had.
* * *
After escaping from Diagnostics House wandered around for a bit, keeping mostly out of sight and simply enjoying being able to move without pain. After a while he headed downstairs, eventually finding himself outside Cuddy's open office door. He poked his head inside, and flashed a kitten smirk when he saw that Cuddy was inside.
This was perfect.
He slipped inside, making his way under her desk and sitting down near her feet. He grinned, before schooling his face into a picture of earnest kitten-ness. He began rubbing against her legs, letting out a soft, rumbling purr as he moved.
He kept up the purring even after Cuddy started and jerked her legs back. By the time she peered under the desk he was sitting up straight and his blue eyes were wide and innocent looking. He had to bite back a triumphant meow as the stern expression on her face melted and her lips curled up in a smile.
When she reached down and picked him up House began to purr louder, rubbing his head against her hand when she started to pet him. The next thing he knew he was on his back, cuddled up against her chest while she rubbed his stomach. Eyes half-lidded, he turned his head to the side and finally got a close-up view of Cuddy's incredibly nice cleavage.
Oh, yeah. This kitten thing was working out great. He could die happy right now.
"Where on earth did you come from, little guy? You shouldn't be running around loose in a hospital, especially not my hospital. I have enough problems reining in House without dealing with a runaway kitten, too." She smirked. "Though you are a lot cuter than House, and much quieter."
House thought about being insulted, but considered his current position and then decided not to. After all, he was completely pain free, he had the best view in the entire hospital, Cuddy was unknowingly rubbing his stomach and for the next few weeks any time Cuddy got bitchy he could think back on this and grin.
That would drive her absolutely crazy.
He relaxed until he was little more than a rumbling puddle of fur in Cuddy's arms. His eyes were barely open, only a sliver of blue visible, and one of his back feet was twitching slightly, as was the tip of his tail. He heard Cuddy sigh a moment before she was gently laying him in her lap, one hand now stroking his head and back.
He opened his eyes a bit, letting his purring die out when he realized that someone was walking into Cuddy's office and sitting across the desk from her. A twitch of his nose let him know that the visitor wasn't Wilson, so he curled up in a ball on Cuddy's lap with his front paws under his chin and his tail wrapped around his body and covering his nose. And then he let Cuddy's stroking lull him to sleep.
- - - - - - - - -
House didn't know how much time had passed before he woke up. He blinked sleepily, arching his spine as he stretched and flashing sharp kitten teeth as he yawned. He was still on Cuddy's lap, though whoever had come in earlier to see her was gone. Her left hand was resting on his back and she seemed to be doing paperwork. It was almost as if she had forgotten he was there.
He was trying to decide if he wanted another nap or if he wanted to go back to exploring when he heard someone else walking into the office. A quick sniff, and he knew who it was. Wilson had found him again.
"So, Dr. Wilson, is House going to be gracing us with his presence at any time today?"
Wilson's voice was tired when he answered. "No, I'm afraid not. He's...currently indisposed. Don't ask. Hopefully he'll be...back to normal tomorrow." He sighed, and House could picture him running a hand over his face. "I don't suppose you've seen a gray kitten running around, have you?"
House winced. He didn't actually like making Wilson worry, but he was having way too much fun to go back to lurking in the other man's office just yet.
"The cat is yours? What are you doing with a cat in the hospital anyway?"
Wilson sighed again. "That is a long, involved and very unbelievable story. Do you know where he is?"
Before Cuddy could reach for him House jumped up onto the desk. He meowed apologetically at Wilson, flicked his tail at Cuddy, leaped to the floor and dashed towards the still-open office doors. Maybe he would go and pay his fellows another visit. He could stalk Cameron some more and let Chase rub his ears again.
And maybe the next time Wilson tracked him down, he wouldn't run away. Maybe.
* * *
It didn't take long for House to make his way back to Diagnostics. He had to duck around corners to avoid nurses twice, but after only about ten minutes he was sitting in front of the now-closed glass doors. Cameron and Foreman were both inside, but neither of them were looking his way. He frowned, tail thumping against the floor in frustration.
He stood up on his hind legs, front paws braced against the doors and began scratching lightly at it, trying to get their attention. But neither of them looked up from what they were doing. He smacked his paws against the door, but as a kitten he was fairly small and it made almost no noise.
He turned his head when he heard footsteps approaching, perking up when he realized that it was Chase. He gazed up at the Australian and meowed pitifully, still up on his hind legs, willing Chase to understand him.
An instant later he had been scooped up and was once again being held in Chase's arms and petted.
"Did you want back in, little fella? Dr. Wilson has been looking all over for you." He pulled open the conference room doors, walked in and dropped into a chair, still carrying kitten!House.
Cameron finally looked up from her paperwork. "Oh, you found Dr. Wilson's cat. Where was he?"
Chase smiled as he scratched House's furry ears. "He was standing outside the door, trying to get in. He's a smart little guy, knew right where to go."
Foreman snorted. "I just want to know what Dr. Wilson was doing with a cat in the hospital in the first place."
Cameron just shrugged. "I'm sure that if he wanted us to know he would tell us. Don't be so suspicious."
"Yeah. It's not like we're talking about House." Chase grinned, fingers hitting all the right spots on kitten!House almost without thought. House thought he should probably feel indignant, but he just couldn't work up the energy.
Chase really did have talented hands. After a quick look to make sure that Wilson was nowhere around, House let his eyes fall shut and a low purr rumble from his chest. The purring grew stronger when Chase shifted him onto his back and started rubbing his stomach.
House absently thought that it would be almost worth the indignity just to see the expression on Chase's face when he realized that he had been rubbing House's stomach. Almost.
He lazily grabbed for Chase's hand with his front paws in an attempt to encourage him to keep rubbing his stomach. Then his eyes nearly rolled back in his head in pleasure when another hand began rubbing his head and scratching around his ears. He thought for a moment about shrugging the extra hand off when he realized that it belonged to Cameron, but when she hit a spot that almost made him go completely limp he decided not to.
He was half-asleep when the conference room doors opened again and House heard a very familiar huffing sigh. Wilson had found him yet again, and he could almost picture the expression on the other man's face at the picture House presented: stretched out on Chase's lap with both he and Cameron petting him, while Foreman just watched and shook his head.
"I see you found him. Where was he?" Wilson rubbed one hand over his face and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"He was standing just outside the doors when I got back." Chase's hand stilled, but remained resting on kitten!House's stomach. "The doors were closed, and he wanted back in."
Wilson sighed as he dropped into a chair. "I've been looking for him everywhere. I thought I had him in Cuddy's office, but he ran off. And apparently came right back here."
House let out a kitten sigh. Wilson was making him feel guilty, and he wasn't even intending to. House hated that. So he managed to pull himself away from Chase, got to his feet and leaped up on the conference table. He walked over to Wilson, meowed at him and jumped into his lap, rubbing against Wilson's stomach in silent apology.
House snorted quietly when Cameron practically cooed at him. "Oh, Dr. Wilson, he's so cute. It's almost like he knows you were worried about him and he's trying to make you feel better."
Wilson just shook his head and chuckled dryly. "Oh, he knows, all right. I'd better take him back to my office before he decides to run away again."
He had already pretty well decided not to run off again. He'd had his fun, but he was starting to get really hungry, and if he disappeared again he wouldn't be able to convince Wilson to feed him. So he carefully extended his claws and climbed up Wilson's lab coat so that he could drape himself across the back of Wilson's neck with his tail curling around the other man's throat.
His fellows just stared at him wide eyed. "Wow. He actually understood you."
"Oh, he understands a lot more than he lets on, Cameron." Wilson pushed himself to his feet, careful not to dislodge House from his perch, and headed for the door. Once they were back in Wilson's office he reached up and lightly tugged on House's tail. "Please don't run off anymore, House. I'm tired of running all over the place looking for you."
House meowed an affirmative and licked the back of Wilson's neck, snickering as Wilson jerked at the sensation of a rough tongue against sensitive skin. Now, where was his lunch?
* * *
It only took House a few minutes to get bored in Wilson's office. The other man was doing paperwork, and there was no sign that he was going to be stopping any time soon. He seemed to be completely engrossed in his work.
House, however, was still hungry. And Wilson didn't look like he had even thought about feeding him. It probably hadn't even occurred to him that House wasn't exactly in a position to feed himself. So he wandered around for a while, trying to sniff out anything edible. Unfortunately, there was nothing to be found.
So he wandered back over to Wilson, propped himself up with his front feet on Wilson's leg and meowed. Wilson just glanced at him, absently reaching down to scratch House's ears. House flashed him a kitty glare and butted his head against Wilson's leg, meowing again.
Finally Wilson turned his attention away from his paperwork and picked House up, sitting him on the desk. "What is it, House? I'm trying to work."
House meowed again, frustrated that his mental connection to Wilson had apparently broken down. Then he had a sudden idea and grinned evilly. He grabbed one of Wilson's hands with his front paws and began gently chewing on Wilson's fingertips.
Wilson sighed as he pulled his captive hand away, frowning at his wet fingers. "House, does this mean you're hungry?"
The furry head bobbed up and down in relief. Finally.
"All right. Stay in here and stay out of trouble, and I'll go get you something." He leaned down until he was nearly nose to nose with kitten!House. "Promise me you'll stay in here, House."
House let out a kitten sigh and nodded. He hadn't actually planned on escaping, especially since Wilson had promised to feed him, but Wilson didn't need to know that. He might start expecting good behavior more often, and that simply wouldn't do.
He hung out on Wilson's desk once the other man left the office, batting around some of the toys and giving serious consideration to doing something naughty with Wilson's Zen garden. Then he spied what looked like an old stuffed rabbit, and his new feline instincts went into overdrive.
He pounced at it, grabbing it with both his front paws and his teeth before rolling onto his back and kicking it with his back feet. He was enjoying himself so much that he didn't notice that Wilson was back until the other man was nearly on top of him. He jerked back a little too far, and both kitten!House and stuffed bunny fell off of the desk, House just barely managing to get his feet under him before he landed.
He jumped carefully back onto Wilson's chair before heading back onto the desk, doing his kitten best to ignore the way Wilson was choking back laughter. He sat down primly, wrapping his tail around his feet and looked up at Wilson, silently demanding his food. Wilson just kept chuckling and unwrapped a roast beef sandwich, sitting it on the desk in front of House and pulling off the top bun.
"Here. This was the best I could find on such short notice. I'll get you something more cat friendly once I get you back home."
House meowed at him in thanks and began slowly pulling apart the sandwich, sniffing at each new thing to decide whether it smelled like something his cat stomach would like. He took his time eating and once he was finished he glanced around the office for a moment and shrugged. He jumped down to the floor, snagged the stuffed rabbit, pulled it under Wilson's desk and curled up around it for a nap. All that eating makes a cat tired, after all.
* * *
He woke up when Wilson scooted his chair back and one foot came a little too close to House's tail. He growled a bit, then yawned and stretched before ambling out from under the desk. It had started to get dark and Wilson was putting things away, making it fairly obvious that he's getting ready to leave, so House was ready when Wilson reached down and picked him up. He was a little irritated that Wilson apparently thought it was necessary to drop him back into his jacket pocket, but not too terribly surprised.
It only took him a moment to get his feet under him and poke his head out of Wilson's pocket. He grinned as they passed a couple of nurses, both of whom did a double take at the sight of James Wilson with a cat's head sticking out of his jacket pocket. Then he sighed when Wilson carefully pushed his head back down out of sight, though the sigh soon turned to a quiet purr when Wilson began petting his head.
The drive home was uneventful, and by the time they got to his apartment House was hungry again. He wandered around for a bit while Wilson was in the kitchen before jumping up onto the coffee table and heading towards Steve's cage.
Steve wasn't that much smaller than he was as a kitten, which was a bit disconcerting. The rat headed straight for him, sticking his nose out between the bars of his cage to sniff at kitten!House, who made his way closer to return the favor. It was odd, but it seemed like somehow Steve knew who House was, even when he was much smaller and covered with fur.
Steve had always seemed to have a sort of rapport with House, made fairly obvious by the fact that most rats wouldn't be content to sit on a piano and listen to music for hours on end, something which was one of Steve's favorite pastimes. Steve was also perfectly happy to sit on House's shoulder while they both watched TV. So he supposed that it wasn't too much of a stretch to think that Steve could identify him even when he wasn't in his own body.
After all, if House could spontaneously turn into a cat, Steve could have some interesting talents, too. It was only fair.
House suddenly perked up when Wilson came back into the living room with a plate of food for himself and what smelled like a can of tuna for House. Wilson sat the opened can on the coffee table, then dropped tiredly onto the couch and turned on the TV. They both ate in silence, the only noise coming from the television and an occasional squeak from Steve.
Once House finished eating he sighed, then began cleaning his whiskers. Once Wilson had taken his own plate and the empty tuna can back into the kitchen, House hopped over onto the couch and curled up on the middle cushion. A moment later Wilson dropped back down next to him, one hand absently reaching over to rub over kitten!House's furry back and they watched TV.
It didn't take long for the stress of the day to get the best of Wilson. He yawned, turning off the television and giving House one last scratch behind the ears. "House, I'm exhausted, and since you're not really in a position to complain I'm going to borrow your bed tonight. Hopefully when I wake up in the morning all this will be nothing more than a very odd hallucination."
House just shrugged. He had run Wilson pretty ragged all day, and it wouldn't hurt to let him sleep in his bed, just this once. So long as Wilson didn't think he could make a habit of it.
He hung out on the couch for a while longer before growling softly at himself and dropping down to the floor and making his way into the bedroom. Wilson was sound asleep, sprawled out on his back with the sheet pulled up to mid-chest. House leaped up, having to snag the sheets with his claws to keep from falling back down onto the floor. Then he carefully snuck forward and curled up comfortably on Wilson's chest.
He shook his head in disgust at how much better that felt. Sometimes feline instincts could be a bitch.
* * *
The familiar twinging in his leg woke House the next morning. The realization that he was once again human was eclipsed by the realization that he was sprawled fairly comfortably across a still-sleeping Wilson. He chuckled quietly as he tried to extricate himself without waking Wilson.
Well, no one could ever say that his life was boring.
The End
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Legal Disclaimer: The authors published here make no claims on the ownership of Dr. Gregory House and the other fictional residents of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Like the television show House (and quite possibly Dr. Wilson's pocket protector), they are the property of NBC/Universal, David Shore and undoubtedly other individuals of whom I am only peripherally aware. The fan fiction authors published here receive no monetary benefit from their work and intend no copyright infringement nor slight to the actual owners. We love the characters and we love the show, otherwise we wouldn't be here.
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