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The Registry
by Dee Laundry
Hey, House, look at this. Should we register for these mixing bowls in brown or blue?
Hey, Wilson, listen to this. I cannot think of an issue on which I would have less of an opinion.
That's the sixth thing in a row you've been useless to me on. If you don't care about these decisions, why did you come with me?
We haven't had sex in this store yet.
That was one time, and it was a mistake. It's not happening again.
Certainly not in that shoe store, now that we're banned. I'm surprised the manager wasn't more understanding. That salesman was taking an extraordinarily long time finding those shoes. We had to go to the storeroom and look for ourselves. I can't help it if I'm obsessed with sneakers and you're turned on by French leather.
Is that supposed to be a double entendre? Because you're not French.
And not leathery. Do not contradict me.
Wouldn't dream of it. Garlic press, we need a new garlic press. Seriously, if you're not going to help me make decisions, then you can go.
I didn't come to help; I came to supervise.
Excuse me?
Just here to make sure you don't make any truly awful selections.
Thank you. It makes me feel good to know you have such trust in my judgment. Who uses a strawberry huller?
You have to look at your track record objectively.
You liked the DVD player I picked out so much you stole it.
And you went to extraordinary lengths to gain joint custody. But we're not talking just a simple piece of electronics. Your selection of wives, for example, was terrible. You had to return all three of them.
Some time, could we go a day without you mentioning that? Please. Which size whisk?
Really, really don't care. And that person you're entangling your life with now, he's terrible. Drug addict, crippled, sarcastic, never a good word for anyone.
He has compensating qualities.
Such as?
He doesn't fish for compliments. Do you see a lemon zester?
Here. This is taking forever.
Good things take time.
Boring things take time. Good things are over before you know it.
Was that another shot of self-deprecation I just heard? A very egotistical form of self-deprecation?
That's a nice paradox. "Egotistical self-deprecation." I like that. I do not, however, care for your insinuation about my stamina.
If I'm ever actually complaining, you'll know.
I always do. It's not hard to spot.
Which pattern do you like the best?
What?
Pattern. Which pattern do you like the best?
Intriguing question. I'd have to say the Fibonacci sequence.
What?
Oh, come on, you know this: 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, and so on. You add the last two numbers in the sequence to get the next. It shows up all the time in nature.
Flatware pattern. Flatware? As in the forks and so on that are in the display right in front of us?
Forks have patterns?
You've never used eating utensils before.
Used them, yes. Inspected them, no. Who cares? And didn't you bring silverware with you when you moved in?
That's my great-grandmother's silver. You're not eating chili out of the can with it. We need an actual matching set of everyday flatware.
You're snippy today. Is it that time of the month?
Shut up. We'll go with this set. Simple pattern, nice heft to it.
Will it fit in the chili can?
Yes.
Then fine.
We could just buy this stuff, you know.
Excuse me?
We're grown men, practically middle-aged, with good salaries. We could just skip doing a gift registry and buy what we need ourselves. Tell people, "No gifts for the commitment ceremony, please."
I like it when people pay me tribute. It doesn't happen often enough.
Ah, raging ego, good motive.
You know, we should register at some place really useful. What about Night Dreams? Lube, edible underwear, and I was very intrigued by the handcuffs.
Not a national chain. Besides, no one I know shops there.
You don't know for sure. Maybe we've just never run into anyone we know. I bet Cuddy has their store credit card.
Sheets.
Cuddy bought sheets at Night Dreams?
Let's go look at the sheets. Here, in this store.
I'm partial to red satin.
I know what you're partial to. I think we should go with plain white Egyptian cotton.
These remind me of the hospital.
I think there's a joke in there somewhere, but I'm too busy to go looking for it.
Make an effort, Jimmy; you were the one saying good things take time. Wilson? Wilson! Where did you go?
I'm over here.
Oh, don't tell me you're seriously looking at those.
Just trying to decide between these two. The Conair Pro has 1900 watts, but the Remington comes with the diffuser attachment. Someone told me that could be useful.
You're not registering for a hair dryer. That just screams gay to any random person who might peruse our registry in the database.
You care what other people think? Besides, I think "Greg and James" at the beginning of the registry will give it away. That, and our registry being in the Commitment Ceremony section.
I told you we should register in the Wedding section with you as "Jamie" - more ambiguous that way.
A rousing second chorus of: what do you care? And, no one's ever called me Jamie and I'm not going to let them start now.
Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, what will I do with you?
Stop.
You've got to allow me some amusement. This is taking forever.
What about guest towels? Yellow or tan?
We have enough towels. Doesn't this store have a videogame section?
We have fine towels for us. The guest towels are ones that Stacy bought you.
You're jealous over towels? That's interesting.
I don't care that she bought them; I'm just pointing out how old they are. And they're really ragged.
I may have used them to wash my car a few times. And to trap rabid raccoons. And let my neighbors use them on Community Dog Wash Day. Repeatedly.
You take your anger out on towels? That's interesting.
Anyway, the only guest I've had in years is you. Since you upgraded in status, no one.
My parents are going to want to visit.
Ugh, in-laws. I forgot about that being part of the deal.
They're perfectly nice. My mother is going to bug us about having kids, though. While Jimmy's still young enough, she'll say.
What, your ovaries are going to give out? And when did your mother become Turkish? You really shouldn't attempt impressions.
I'll put us down for the tan towels. Think your parents will visit us?
Did you not hear me mention the paucity of guests? I didn't let my parents stay when I was by myself; I'm not letting them stay now. If you're that curious, we can go to visit them. While we're there, you and I can drop in unexpectedly on my father when he's down at the VFW with his buddies and flash our matching rings.
Yes, I'm sure that would endear us to your father. I don't think they had "don't ask, don't tell" when he was in the service.
Oh, I wouldn't tell; much more fun to show.
This is a family store. Get your hand off my dick or I'm registering for the hair dryer.
This store is clearly labeled as "Bed, Bath, and Beyond." I'm just exploring the "Beyond" part.
Hair dryer and a nail kit.
You are no fun at all. This is taking forever. You'd think, having done this three times already, you'd be faster at this.
My fiances always did it. I just smiled and nodded. If you want to take over, you're welcome to it.
OK, I will. Let me hold your pointer gun thing. That is not a metaphor.
Here. It's kind of tricky to use. Sometimes you have to work hard to get it to go off, and sometimes it goes off without warning. Still not a metaphor.
I got it.
Here's the suggested checklist to go off of.
I'm out of hands, and I don't need it, anyway. You wait here.
Yes, sir.
...
I'm back.
That was quick.
I am that good.
Let me see what you added. Hmm, a Martini Girls shower curtain and candy.
I'm hungry. And bored.
I think that's enough. Let's turn this in and go.
Really?
You want to stick around longer?
It just seems like a rather paltry haul. Cuddy's pulling in Dean of Medicine money; I had her pegged for 500 bucks worth of goods at least.
I'll just finish the rest on-line.
If you can do this on-line, then what did we have to come here for?
We haven't had sex in this store yet.
Ah ha!
That was strictly a joke. We're here because sometimes you just have to see and touch things for yourself.
That's what I was trying to do.
Family store.
Why are we in a line?
We have to turn in the registry to a cashier.
You mean our COMMITMENT CEREMONY registry?
Inside voice.
That woman ahead of us was staring; I just wanted to give her a reason to stare.
And now she's leaving the line to get away from you.
Bonus!
Can I have your zip code?
It's--
Gay! We're a gay couple turning in our gay gift registry.
Congratulations. Can I have your zip code?
Wilson, what numbers would spell out "piss off" on a touchtone phone?
Um--
I'll just put in the store's zip code. Any purchases, or are you just turning in the registry?
No purchases.
One purchase.
Wilson! You're buying that hair dryer?
You said you didn't want it on the registry.
Now the clerk's going to know we're gay.
Because you saying it a thousand times wasn't enough of a hint. And, anyway, aren't we bisexual?
In a lifetime sense, yes. In the context of the relationship, we're gay. Unless you've been hiding your hermaphroditism from me.
Sign here, please.
He's mentally ill, so thank you for your patience.
Thank you for shopping at Bed Bath & Beyond.
Mental illness. We can add that to the list of your fianc's bad qualities.
Along with "tries to scare people away because real intimacy makes him nervous."
You want to have a heart-to-heart here in the parking lot?
No. I want to go home and re-enact the shoe store incident.
Excellent idea. Good thing I saved the boxes our shoes came in.
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Legal Disclaimer: The authors published here make no claims on the ownership of Dr. Gregory House and the other fictional residents of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Like the television show House (and quite possibly Dr. Wilson's pocket protector), they are the property of NBC/Universal, David Shore and undoubtedly other individuals of whom I am only peripherally aware. The fan fiction authors published here receive no monetary benefit from their work and intend no copyright infringement nor slight to the actual owners. We love the characters and we love the show, otherwise we wouldn't be here.
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