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Thrice As Nice
by Dana
A/N: I know I'm not the only one who watched her first episode of House and thought, "hey, isn't she from--?" Also, I there's a very stupid joke/pun in here. Keep your eyes open.
Thrice as Nice
From the day she hired Greg House, Cuddy knew that it would only be a matter of time before he found out. There was no way to keep a secret from the man whose sole pleasure in life was digging and digging until he discovered the truth -especially not a secret this big. Especially not one that had been nationally televised just a few years ago.
It wasn't that she was ashamed of her family. She was open-minded, she loved each and every of her family members, and although she didn't always agree with the choices they made she continued to stand by them firmly, offering help when she could, whether they accepted it or not - Cuddys tended to have stubborn genes, and she herself was guilty of a sometimes irrational need for independence.
No, she loved her family. And she had no problem talking about them with normal people, the kind who had at least a moderate amount of, you know, tact.
It was just that Greg House was not one of those people, and Cuddy knew beyond a shadow of doubt that her life would be much easier as long as she managed to keep him in the dark on this one, tiny matter.
Deep down inside, however, she understood that his moment of realization was inevitable. And when he appeared in her office one day without knocking, eyes so wide she could see clear white rings surrounding his irises, his mouth gaping open with amazement, speechless for the first time since she had met him years ago, Cuddy knew that moment had arrived.
She glanced at the pile of paperwork on her desk, knowing she may as well give up on completing all her work today. "House," she greeted him. "How can I help you?"
"I--" he choked. "I--you--you!" he exclaimed, apparently unable to express himself with any sort of coherency.
Oh, yes, he definitely knew.
"Let me rephrase," she said crisply. "How can I make you go away as soon as possible?"
He wildly thrust his cane in her general direction. "You minx!"
"Dr. House," she retorted, "I have work to do, and if I'm not mistaken so do you. Stop acting like an excited little boy and tell me what you want, otherwise go away."
She wondered how he could have found out. Had somebody who knew blabbed? Had House somehow gotten his hands on a year 2000 newspaper and put two and two together? Had he googled her name and dug deep enough? There were so many possibilities - it was a miracle it had taken him this long to begin with.
An awed smile was beginning to emerge from the corners of his mouth. "You never told me," he almost spluttered. "I can't believe we've known each other all this time, and here you were, fodder for the most perfect, heavenly fantasies ever, and I never knew."
"House!" she emphasized, ready to snap that he was crossing a line, but before she could continue a familiar figure appeared through the door.
"Parked the car," her sister explained pleasantly, and turned to Cuddy with a smile. "Hi, Lise."
"Oh, my god!" Cuddy replied, rising from her seat with surprise, the back of her mind realizing with detachment, ah, that's how. "What--what are you doing here?" She stepped forward to embrace Laurie, trying her best to ignore House, who was closing his eyes and murmuring, "oh god, they're hugging, this is too good to be true."
Laurie gave him an odd look, but returned her attention to Cuddy. "I was on my way to New York, thought I'd surprise you. I'm sorry, I should have called."
"Um, yeah," she agreed, "You should have called. And you," she muttered, pointedly slapping House's wrist so that his pager fell to the floor, "are not calling Wilson."
"Okay," he nodded, "I'll just stay here and watch. Can you two hug again?"
The withering glare Laurie was throwing House was so identical to Cuddy's own that she almost laughed, but the realization of what her life was bound to be like for the next couple of months, now that House knew, was a sobering thought.
"Does this guy really work for you?" Laurie asked, brows furrowing.
"Yeah. Unfortunately." She rubbed her forehead. "I... gather you two got a chance to talk?"
Laurie's apologetic expression confirmed it, while House simply sighed happily. "It was the best conversation I've ever had."
"Seriously?" Laurie's eyebrows shot up with astonished amusement. "He's a doctor?"
Once in a while, a day went by when Cuddy didn't imagine at least five different ways of killing Greg House. This was not one of them.
"I've mentioned him." Her second hand joined the first at her forehand, and Cuddy began to rub her temples. "I usually call him Dr. Jackass."
Laurie's eyes widened, and she laughed that deep, rich laugh that Cuddy used to have too, before she started working with House on a regular basis. "Oh, you're Dr. Jackass!" she grinned. "In that case, I've heard a lot about you."
"I, on the other hand, have heard nothing about you," House said, throwing Cuddy an accusing look, "a crime, under no uncertain terms. Knowing there are four of these babies in the world could have done wonders for my pain management issues."
Laurie's hands flew to her chest. "Is he ogling my boobs?"
"Oh, god." Cuddy closed her eyes.
"Yes, god," House echoed, sounding like he was giving a prayer of thanks.
Cuddy made a decision.
...which was to deal with House later. It was never a decision that actually worked, but she hoped it might at least help her avoid a tension headache in the next few hours. "Okay, House, out."
"No!"
Dr. Jackass looked genuinely disappointed.
"Out, now," she repeated. "Cuddy family reunion time."
"Please let me stay and watch," he begged, "I promise I won't say anything."
"House! I'm going to speak to my sister alone, we're not going to have sex in the office! Now get out!" She wondered if she'd have to physically push him towards the door.
"If you get out," Laurie said helpfully, "I'll flash you later."
House's grip on the handle of his cane tightened noticeably, and he was halfway out the door within seconds. "This," he swallowed, indicating Laurie with a jerk of his head, "is definitely the better version."
Cuddy watched the door swing shut behind him. "You do know I will kill you if you actually follow that up."
"I know," Laurie said. "He is kinda cute, though."
Cuddy gave her an unbelieving look. "Y...eah," she said slowly, "he's great, if you have the blood pressure of an iceberg. Which I assure you, both you and I do not." She opened her desk drawer and felt around for aspirin, making sure she had some just in case. "Well," she stated. "House has met you. This is great."
"I'm sure it's not that bad."
"No, it's House. Chances are it's even worse." Cuddy crossed to the couch in a few steps, sinking into the soft cushions and inviting Laurie to join her with a small gesture of her hand. "Make yourself comfortable."
Laurie sat next to her, setting her tan-colored Coach Beekman briefcase on the floor, and Cuddy couldn't help but smile at the way it was placed protectively close to Laurie's legs. Her sister never could part with the old thing. "So what was the 'best conversation he's ever had'?" Cuddy prompted, dreading the answer. There was still a chance House didn't know everything. "How did you even meet in the first place?"
Laurie sighed. "I was refueling the car and he just walked up to me. Said his bike had broken down and he needed a ride to the hospital, and I told him that's where I was headed, which he took as granted, of course."
"And?"
"We didn't really talk that much, but then he said I was dressed like an exceptionally expensive prostitute today, like it was some kind of compliment--"
"Oh, no," Cuddy groaned. Talk about touchy subjects...
"--so I said, 'honey, give it a rest, that was almost ten years ago, and if you remember the name of every call girl who was ever in the paper you're just a sick, sick man,'" she finished.
"Oh, Laurie." Cuddy stared at the ceiling in despair. "Why? Why? Why would you do that?"
"Lise, I'm sorry," Laurie said helplessly, putting a hand on Cuddy's shoulder. "I saw his cane, I just thought he was going to the hospital for some checkup. It didn't even occur to me that he knew you."
Cuddy inhaled deeply, counted to ten, and slowly exhaled. It would be all right. "Did he say anything else?"
"Not really. He figured out I was your sister pretty quickly after that, and then he spent the rest of the ride in a sort of blissful trance."
"Figures he would." Cuddy anxiously fiddled with the couch pillow, tearing out a loose thread. She could already picture photocopied editions of old newspapers tacked around hospital information boards. And lewd jokes about the twin Twins. And booty calls. Oh, god, the booty calls.
"I am sorry I showed up unannounced," Laurie repeated ruefully. "I know you've got work to do."
Cuddy felt her mouth curve into a wry smile. "Honey, it's not the work that bothers me, it's the disturbed individuals who work in this hospital. Or individual," she amended. Single. "You can interrupt me at work any time you like. Especially now that the game is up and Greg House will be making hooker jokes until eternity."
"Call girl!" Laurie protested, hurt.
Cuddy shook her head. "Oh, no. You can bet that to House, it'll always be hooker."
Laurie looked down at her lap. "You know, I hate that even after all this time it's still..." She rolled her eyes. "...coming back to haunt me, I don't know."
Cuddy pushed House to the back of her mind. Some things were more important. "It'll get better," she said, feeling like it was an empty reassurance, but received a small smile from Laurie in return, as familiar as looking into a mirror.
Cuddy kicked off her shoes, folding her legs under her, settling in for a long conversation. She smiled when her sister followed suit. "So, tell me about work."
It took House nearly two days to compose himself enough to face her again, and by that time Laurie was thankfully back in New York. Cuddy was just finishing up an authorization of a list of employees that the hospital would have to let go because of a budget cut when House strolled into her office - not knocking as usual - leaned against the door, and smirked.
"What do you want?" she said tiredly, not lifting her eyes from the list.
"What I'm trying to figure out is this: is she the evil twin because she's a hooker, or are you the evil twin because you're you? It's so hard to decide..." he trailed off, and Cuddy's hand itched to add his name to the bottom of the list.
"Did you make flyers to post around the hospital?" she asked absently, trying to play with some figures on the paper, trying to keep herself cool.
"You know me so well, I'm touched."
"All right," she said, "I don't want to play games." She raised her eyes to meet his in what she hoped was a steely gaze. "What will it take to get you to shut up?"
"Are you sure you don't want to play games? Because there's this one I saw in a movie called Twin Tease--"
"House, if there's anything you want, this is your chance to get it. Don't piss me off more than I already am."
House tilted his head slightly and searched her face, trying to asses how serious she was. "Fine," he said at last. "A date."
Cuddy blinked. "Are you serious?"
"Yes."
"With me?"
His eyes glittered. "With her."
Cuddy's mouth actually gaped open. "Not a chance!"
"Why not?"
"Oh, like I'd actually let her go out with you! Laurie!"
House blinked. "Who?"
"What?"
"I thought you said--" He frowned. "Never mind. Anyway, that's the deal."
Incredulous didn't even begin to describe what Cuddy was feeling. "In your dreams, House," she snorted. "Nowhere else." She took hold of her pen again, trying to erase the image of her sister with House from her mind.
But House, apparently, wasn't giving up. "Come on," he wheedled. "One date. I'll pick her up, I'll even take her to a restaurant. I'll be nice."
She shook her head. "You're out of your mind. I'm not going to give you Laurie's number."
Suddenly House got that look. The keen, perceptive self-satisfied one. "Are you jealous that I'm interested in your sister?"
"Oh, please," she rolled her eyes exasperatedly.
"I should point out that I made a pass at you years ago and you said no."
"That wasn't a pass, that was a proposition, and I was your boss!"
"Still are, which is why Laurie is the perfect solution," House reasoned.
"Okay, we're done here," she stated, slamming both hands flat on her desk. "Hang your flyers, do what you want, I don't care. Get out."
"But--"
"I have work, House." She shoved the list to the bottom of the pile on her desk with finality, and grabbed the next file from her inbox.
Not looking up, she only heard the heavy sigh, the shuffling on the carpet, and the door clicking shut.
She was actually surprised when Wilson approached her.
"One date," he opened, tagging along as she made her way to the Clinic.
"Et tu, Wilson?"
"Why do you care you much? Let him have his date and he'll let this nonsense--" Wilson waved a hand at the mess of hooker-Laurie-depicting flyers littering the hallway-- "go."
Cuddy pointedly stepped on a flyer. She'd grown accustomed to ignoring them. "Being appalled with House's behavior - I'm used to that. But you I'm disappointed with, buster."
Wilson sighed. "What's your big problem with this?"
Stupid, stupid boys, she wanted to shout. Instead, she clutched her clipboard more tightly. "House is certain that my sister is going to 'put out'," she said scathingly, "on the first date, and you know what? She just might. You can be damn sure I'm not going to let House sleep with my body when I'm not there."
Wilson blinked. "That was-- insanely creepy, the way you phrased that."
"Yeah, well, tough."
She quickened her pace, hoping Wilson would stay behind, but like his friend - maybe she should start calling him Jackass Junior - he persisted.
"Look, give the guy a break," he argued, matching Cuddy's step. "With her former occupation, her current occupation, and her looks, can you really blame him for wanting her?"
That was enough.
"Okay." Cuddy halted in mid-stride and held a hand in front of Wilson's chest. "For heaven's sake, what does he have on you that made you go along with this?"
Wilson hung his head. "The whole point of blackmail is that I don't, you know, want it out."
He looked so embarrassed she almost felt sorry for him. Almost. "Is this something I want to know?"
"Probably," he replied, "but the thing is that I would rather you didn't. Um."
She followed his sheepish gaze down to the floor, where she noticed a flyer stuck to her heel. White House Staffer Caught With Prostitute! it read, in a big tabloid font, over a picture that might as well have been her. A familiar hand had scribbled 'for a good time call', and her office number, above the picture.
Yeah, she was sick of this.
And an idea was starting to grow in the back of her mind.
"One date with your sister?" Wilson asked in a small voice.
"Fine," she sighed. "You know what? Fine. House wants to go on a date with a Cuddy? I'll arrange one." She lowered her voice darkly. "I hope he lives to regret it."
That night she called her sister and asked her for a favor.
"Please do this for me," Cuddy implored. "I hate asking - but, well, you know I wouldn't if it weren't important."
She heard a low, soft chuckle over the phone. "Don't worry about it. Are you sure you're okay with this?"
"It's... better than him continuing his current behavior. I don't love it, but..."
"Okay, Lise, I'll be okay."
Cuddy sighed with relief. "Thank you for doing this."
"Hey, what are sisters for?"
She gave House a time, date and address the next day. "Try not to gloat," she said dryly. He smirked in return and spent the rest of the week preening smugly every time he neared her. She spent the rest of the week rolling her eyes in disgust.
On the day after the date Cuddy arrived at the hospital earlier than usual, unable to even pretend that she wasn't burning with curiosity.
When House didn't appear at her office by noon, she was ready to page him down herself. She called Wilson instead. "House isn't here," he said. She could practically hear his worried frown over the phone. "He hasn't come in ye--oh, wait. He's just arrived. He looks... huh. That's odd."
Cuddy hung up, starting to hum cheerfully as she studied her schedule for the rest of the day. Board meeting. Two appointments with donors. One pharmaceutical company. Not bad.
At two o'clock, just when she felt like she was about to burst, House's bedraggled form rapped twice on her office door with a cane, and let himself in.
Cuddy smiled widely. "How can I help you, Dr. House?"
House looked shaken. "Evil," he accused, almost inaudibly.
"I'm sorry?"
"You. You set me up." He scowled at her desk, not meeting her eyes. "I can't even look at you now. But oh," he shuddered, "you're definitely the evil twin."
Cuddy stretched languidly in her seat. "You mean triplet," she corrected.
He cleared his throat, raising his eyebrows to himself. "Yeah."
"Well," she said pleasantly, "I hope you showed Cindy a good time."
"I really wish I hadn't," he whimpered. "Or at least that I had stopped sooner. Before the... before the attack of the man-parts." He shuddered again. "I think I may need therapy."
Cuddy was going to have to send Cindy a bouquet of flowers the size of Mt. Rushmore. And buy her a present equivalent to a round-trip ticket from Boston.
She twirled a pen between her fingers, leaning her elbows on the desk. "I trust you're going to drop the matter now."
"Oh, believe me," he said, closing his eyes tightly. "All I want is to forget this whole ordeal ever happened."
"Good," she smiled. "Well, if there's nothing else..." She motioned towards the door.
How she loved the sound, or rather silence, of a speechless House, she thought as he made his way to the door. But before he left, he turned around and called her name. For the first time that day he grudgingly looked her in the eyes, and she wasn't certain but that might just have been a glint of appreciation she caught behind all the blue. "Well played," he said, his voice gruff, and before she could blink the door closed behind him.
Well, she thought, not even bothering to keep the grin off her face. Well.
She reflected that if there was anything to be learned from all of this, it was that she should never try to hide her family. And that keeping secrets from House was more trouble than it was worth. And that House still wanted her, which was also nice to know.
But most of all, she thought, the biggest lesson was the one which she hoped House had learned.
Don't mess with Cuddys.
Still smiling, she picked up the phone to call her sisters.
-end-
Last notes: If you didn't know, Cindy is the transsexual character played by Lisa Edelstein on Ally McBeal for five episodes. Laurie was her character on The West Wing.
Please post a comment on this story.
Legal Disclaimer: The authors published here make no claims on the ownership of Dr. Gregory House and the other fictional residents of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Like the television show House (and quite possibly Dr. Wilson's pocket protector), they are the property of NBC/Universal, David Shore and undoubtedly other individuals of whom I am only peripherally aware. The fan fiction authors published here receive no monetary benefit from their work and intend no copyright infringement nor slight to the actual owners. We love the characters and we love the show, otherwise we wouldn't be here.
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