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The Leap Of Faith
by Mysterri
Cameron looked down into the azure blue of the ocean beneath her. She remained as still as the rock on which she stood, overlooking the
waters off Oahu. She was at Kaena Point, a place that the natives called `The Jumping Off Place" because they believed that this is
where lost souls departed the island from. Fitting, she thought to herself. But as tempted as she was to throw herself into the blue
abyss something held her back. She lifted her gaze to the blue of the sky and suddenly knew what it was. All this blue, she thought to
herself...his eyes, his eyes were all around her. She knew instinctively that he wouldn't want her to do this. Her knees buckled
under her until she couldn't stand anymore. She was overwhelmed with grief and longing. Of course her legs would give out on her, she
thought to herself. Or was it something more?
Gregory....
He heard the whisper in his ear.
Wake up Gregory, wake up now...
The voice was commanding yet soothing. He opened his eyes and took in his surroundings. All around him was the color white. As white as the
lab coat that he had always refused to wear. But he wasn't in a room. And he wasn't outdoors either. He was...nowhere.
Oh you are somewhere Greg. No one is never nowhere.
"Oh now we're buddies so you're calling me Greg?" he said out loud. "What kind of crap is this?
House thought to himself. For once he was almost at a loss for words. Almost.
"First of all I don't like white and secondly I don't like playing hide and seek. Unless of course you are some gorgeous blonde getting
ready to ravage me."
"Come out come out wherever you are...." House spun around, "You aren't playing fair."
He stopped dead in his tracks. Two thoughts emerged nearly simultaneously; one was the fact that if he could stop that meant
that he had been going which also meant that he had been walking and two, the dead part was more accurate than how he initially meant it.
How many times did he tell patients and his own staff that there is nothing on the other side of death. The thought hit him so hard that
if he had been breathing it would have taken his breath away. He sat down (on what he wasn't sure) and ran his hands over his body. Yep,
everything was intact, he was still him right down to the stubble on his face.
We are sorry you had to suffer Greg. You are home now.
"Home?" he muttered, "pardon me but this doesn't look anything like my home"
Here, will this make you feel better?
At his feet was his cane. House almost laughed at the irony of it. He reached down and picked it up, felt it's familiar weight in his hands
and somehow it DID bring him comfort. He smiled.
`Thank you" he found himself saying as he used it to lift himself to his feet. He felt remarkably well. So well in fact that he began to
feel a touch of anger at not having felt this way in life.
"So a person has to die to feel alive?" he muttered to himself
shaking his head in the process.
"Where am I anyway?" the thought was immediately met with a response.
You are were you always expected to be. This is your idea of the afterlife Greg. It is what you always expected to find.
"But there is nothing here!" he yelled out to his invisible companions.
Exactly
The realization hit him hard. He understood what they meant. He didn't believe in an afterlife so consequently there was no pearly
gates, no tunnel of light, no `anything.' Essentially he got exactly what he wanted.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Cameron couldn't forget the moment she knew that something was wrong with him. She had been sitting at the table with the rest of the team
and concentrating hard on the test results in front of her. The case seemed to be a very complex one which was something that she was, of
course, used to. There was nothing that seemed different in House' s voice except maybe a tad more urgency than usual. He was writing on
the board all the symptoms while he spoke.
"A forty something year old male with what seems to be a neuromuscular degeneration. The patient presented with weakness in
both legs which has since progressed to his hands and arms. No familiar history that would indicate a genetic mutation....." he
trailed off, deep in thought, his right hand clasping the marker stopped in mid air. He continued,
"Fever this morning of 99.6, headache, one instance of vomiting. Nothing too dramatic I know. Idea's?"
His voice commanded attention and they all looked up. "And no one better utter the word Lupus!" he said, rolling his eyes
at the thought.
"Duchenes Muscular Dystrophy sounds plausible." Foreman said, "although his sed rate isn't too high."
"Could be a simple black widow spider bite" Chase added.
"No to both" he said to them.
House turned back to the board and seemed to stare into space. Cameron studied him. His right hand was trembling slightly as he
wrote more symptoms on the board.
"Malaise, stiff neck..." he trailed off yet again, rubbing his right hand with his left.
Cameron watched the marker he was holding drop to the floor. She stole a glance over at Dr. Wilson who just happened to walk into the
room at that moment.
"House..." he said, "can I have a moment?"
"Can't it wait we are actually working here. Don't you have someone sick to bother instead?" he didn't even look at him as he spoke.
"This is really important House besides," Wilson looked around the table "you have tormented these poor souls enough for now."
House sighed and placed the now recovered marker back on the desk. "OK but let's make this quick. Dying people you know."
House walked toward Wilson. As much as he tried to hide it from them he couldn't disguise the fact that each step was causing him pain. He
seemed to shuffle a bit, at least she thought he did. It was always hard to tell with him. Did he have a bit too much to drink last
night? Did he run out of Vicodin? Maybe he didn't get enough sleep last night? These thoughts rumbled through her woman's heart even as
her doctor's training was telling her different. She rose from her chair and peered out the door just in time to see him stumble and
nearly fall. Only a sudden move on Wilson's part kept him upright. Cameron turned back toward Foreman and Chase who were lost in their
notes.
"So what room is this patient in anyway?" Chase asked. Cameron whispered under her breath, `he was in this one.'
House sat in the chair in Wilson's office with his shirt off. "Your lungs don't sound too good House and your pressures up" he said
as he took off his stethoscope, "I'm ordering a chest x-ray, a ct scan stat and..."
House cut him off sharply, "I know damn well what I need and don't need and what I don't need right now is a bunch of useless tests."
Wilson stood back and let him rant. He knew better than to interrupt him when he went off like this. But there was an element of fear in
his voice that he never heard before. "House you know you can't keep this hidden from your team or Cuddy for that matter forever.
You are going to have to take a bit of a proactive role in figuring out what the hell is going on with your health."
"Which is why I have my team working on the problem even as we speak."
House seemed to soften a bit as he started to put his shirt back on "and if you hadn't interrupted us we might have actually made some
progress by now."
House began to stand up to leave but found his legs didn't want to cooperate. He fell back into the chair.
"Ok that's it I am admitting you as a patient," Wilson was adamant, "you can barely walk House and you can't hide it anymore."
House tried again to stand and found his balance. He looked at him and Wilson knew that his stubborn friend wasn't ready to admit defeat
just yet.
"Send the bill to Chase, he just got a raise" he said as he limped out of the room.
One thing House missed the most was riding his motorcycle. He knew it wouldn't be a good thing to do and yet one little part of him really
didn't give a damn. He didn't care if he hurt himself he just didn't want to risk hurting anyone else. He let himself into his apartment
and grabbed for a double dose of Vicodin. He found he needed more and more of it now that his body was betraying him at every turn. And he
was dead tired all the time; just getting up to go to the hospital was becoming more and more of a chore. He knew there were patients
that needed him and that his team needed his help....but hell he needed THEIR help now more than ever. He could see the concern on Cameron's
face today. She didn't know he was looking at her as he stole a few precious glances her way. So many regrets, he could barely count the
number of times he had wanted to tell her the truth about how he felt about her. Damn stubbornness he chided himself. But to be truthful it
was really fear that held him back. Fear of rejection, fear of looking like a fool. And this from a man who prided himself on his
bravery in the face of insurmountable odds. He didn't feel very brave now. In fact he was terrified. He had some tests run at a different
hospital, the same ones that Wilson had demanded he have so he knew that the answer to what was slowly and painfully stealing his life
away wasn't to be found on any CT scan or any other type of scan for that matter. No one seemed to know what was wrong, least of all him.
Granted he really couldn't be very objective at the moment. What he did know for certainty was that he wasn't getting any better and
would only get worse.
Cameron had just gotten out of the shower when she heard a knock at the door. She threw on her robe and walked to it, peering through the
peep hole to see who it was. She was surprised to see House standing there, leaning against the door jam. She opened it to let him in but
he just stood there, looking at her. Something in his eyes scared her. She tried to put a finger on just what it was then realized that
he hadn't made a move to enter her home. He stood suspended there held upright by the wall and stared into her eyes. She always shook
inside whenever he caught her eye. The strength of him, his intensity and the deep well of passion that just smoldered underneath the
surface shone through those azure blue eyes of his and took her breath away every time. This time however there was something new, an
added dimension had been added to the multi-faceted prism that was Dr. Gregory House. And she wasn't quite sure that she liked it. He
pushed himself with effort off of the wall and reached a hand out to her. Instinctively she grabbed it and, putting an arm around his
waist she helped him inside His arm came around her and he held her around the shoulders for support. How long had she waited to be this
close to him she couldn't tell. She could feel the tension in him and could tell that he was not happy to have her helping him this way.
The last thing he wanted anyone to see was his weakness. But he had no choice, he couldn't do it without her. Together they maneuvered
him over to her couch and she helped him sit down. He threw his cane to the floor and leaned back. Once again he raised his eyes to meet
hers and she understood what that other element in his gaze was. It was resignation. Cameron waited for him to speak, to break the spell
he had put over her.
"I'm think I am dying" he said, so simply that he could have been ordering a drink.
"From what? How do you know that you are terminal? There must be some treatment we could try.." she trailed off when he put his finger to
her lips.
"I am running out of time."
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"I am running out of time..." House repeated the moment and the phrase to himself from his little spot of nowhere, which they said was
really somewhere in the clouds. The whiteness of the place that his soul came to rest totally encircled him and its nothingness felt like
a noose around his neck.
Doesn't this make you happy Gregory, too be proven right? To know that all along you had the answer to what forever meant?
The voice seemed to mock him making him angry. But how do you deal with a supposedly supreme being?
"So this is hell then?" he asked out loud to his invisible and growingly annoying companion. Almost before the question left his
lips an answer shot back.
No, for you this is heaven.
House pondered that for a moment, trying to grasp its meaning.
All your life you've believed that there is nothing after you die. And all your life you have pushed people away in an effort to be
alone. Hell for you would have been pearly gates, overwhelming joy and long lost friends here to greet you. If that is what you had
found it would have meant that you were wrong and you couldn't bear that, could you? That would have been hell.
Gregory, this is all you have ever dreamed of and the best you could hope for. Aren't you taking pleasure in your faultless reasoning?
"Son of a bitch" he yelled back then stopped and smiled....
"Your logic is flawed" he grinned. `I gotcha' he thought to himself "You told me I was `somewhere', that this is not `nowhere',
correct?" he called out, a bit braver now.
Correct
"Then this is not what I envisioned. I didn't think there was anything after you die but all around me I can see the color white.
I am having this conversation. I am holding my cane." House reveled in his astute observation, "So technically speaking I was wrong
because there is obviously more to death than just dying."
Life is full of lessons, some you learn some you don't. How could we have taught you that you were right unless we were here to prove it
to you?
House put his head in his hands. He was getting a headache and didn't want to chat with this....whatever it was anymore. Life was a
paradox and, as it turned out so was death. His scientific mind wanted to comprehend it all but it couldn't. Death, it seems was
beyond comprehension.
So now that we have that cleared up what's say we go over a few things; ground rules so to speak?
The voice around him was becoming more authoritative. He didn't want to hear anymore. He just wanted to sleep, or at least to just sit
there and not think for awhile.
Sorry, not getting off so easy. We might have a job for you. You have come to the head of the unemployment line and your number's up
Gregory.
House balled himself up, hugging his knees to his chest, his cane tossed to one side. After all what good would his cane do him now?
Even the feel of it, the smooth solid wood was a joke...just another riddle that he didn't have the energy to solve.
You know what killed you Gregory. You knew it but couldn't convey it to anyone because of your infirmity. And knowing what killed you
should also tell you that the diseases' onslaught won't stop with you.
House felt a spark inside of him. A memory came rushing back. He DID know what killed him. Something that they all had missed;
something so simple and yet rare that no one even considered it.
Your friends are at risk Gregory. One by one they will die the same monstrous way you did unless.....
The voice trailed off leaving nothing but dead air in its wake. "UNLESS WHAT?" House was on his feet now. "Don't stop there you
bastard, finish it...unless WHAT?!
Unless you help them solve the riddle.
House was nearly bursting with insight. He COULD help them, he knew he could. All he had to do was point them in the right direction and
let them go from there. They were smart; he taught them well.
Cameron would be the next to succumb
"Allison? No, not that...not her." He began to pace, deep in thought. Suddenly he stopped in his tracks.
"If Alli...Cameron died would that mean she would be here with me?"
No answer. Nothing. And yet the air was charged with what seemed like electricity. He had to decide what to do and he had to make it
quick. A sudden cold wind washed over his body bringing with it a sense of urgency. He had to decide and he had to decide NOW.
You know what took your life Greg. Do you want to put that knowledge to use or not?
Allison.....him.....together for an eternity. How much time has already passed? Could they already be coming down with symptoms? How close
to death was she? He had to at least see for himself.
"If you are asking me whether I want to go back, the answer is yes." He left it open-ended. He didn't commit himself....at least not yet.
Then you shall have what you want
The wind picked up and seemed to blow right through his very soul. His body felt like a spark of light, at first small then ignited into
a burning flame. He felt pain for the first time since his death and for just one mere second, just the blink of an eye he wondered if he
was making the right choice. The pain grew to the point where he almost cried out to make it stop...almost enough to change his mind.
But his stubbornness was his ally and his longing to seer Cameron was his strength. He endeared it until he felt like he would turn to
ashes right there on the spot. Then suddenly he heard what could only be described as a `whoooosh' sound in his ears and an
overpowering pulling inward of his being.
And then, just as suddenly as it had began it ended. He opened his eyes to see Cameron standing on a cliff by the ocean, falling to her
knees. In that moment he knew that he would have to make the hardest decision of his life....and his death.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
And then, just as suddenly as it had began it ended. He opened his eyes to see Cameron standing on a cliff by the ocean, falling to her knees.
In that moment he knew that he would have to make the hardest decision of his life....and his death.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He leaned his weight on his cane and stood facing the ocean. He could see her, really see her maybe for the first time in his existence
kneeling on the rocks of the cliff. She didn't move, didn't give any indication that she knew he was there. Of course she
couldn't see him; there wasn't really any `him' to see. He suddenly knew what hell felt like.
He was surprised when he found that he could hear her thoughts. His lips moved with her words; he knew the story she was reminiscing about.
Knew it intimately. He sat near her and listened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The touch of his finger to her lips, even under such dire circumstances was electrifying. The air around them seemed charged with so many
unspoken words in a language that neither of them really understood. Cameron sat there unmoving; the only outward sign of her inward turmoil
was the rabid blinking of her eyes. She held back her shocked tears as best as she could, for her own sake as well as his. She understood that
for him to come to her like this, to trust her with this knowledge was not an easy thing for him to do. So she waited.
"I will need someone to replace me......" he trailed off, looking away for a moment, his thoughts flying in so many directions at once
that it was hard to organize them all.
He turned his eyes back toward her, "and I want that someone to be you."
"But I can't....I could never replace you! I don't have even half your knowledge or a quarter of your insight," she shot
back, "and stop talking like you are going somewhere. Since when do you give up so easy!?"
"Do you think for one goddamned minute that I haven't tried to figure this whole mess out?" he began to raise his voice,
"I've had every test you could imagine and even some you couldn't. I've wracked my slowly disintegrating brain over and
over to try to come up with the answer but I can't figure it out. And if I can't put my finger on the cause of my illness then you,
Chase, Foreman or even Wilson or Cuddy won't be able to either."
He rested his head against the back of the couch and looked up at the ceiling.
"So I need someone to head the team in my absence. So do you want the job or not?" he rubbed his eyes with his hands. "Good
benefits, great parking space. You get to use the marker and the white board."
She sat there dumbfounded. He was making jokes. The bastard was gravely ill and still felt the need to be sarcastic.
"And what if I say no?" she wasn't going to let him give up that easy, "what if I turn you down?"
"You won't" he managed a small smile, "I can tell by the sound of your voice that you wouldn't turn me down. Because if you
turned me down you would be letting me down and I know that you would never do that."
Was she that transparent? Or was his insight into her something more. Before she could even throw together a response he reached over and took
her hand.
"I need you to do this Cameron. Remember the last time I came to your door? I needed you to come back to work because not only are the
brilliant but you have an empathy that the others lack. I need you to do this last favor for me. I need to know that when I am gone someone
with half a brain will be stepping into my shoes."
He held her transfixed both by his words and by his grip on her hand. She knew it was hopeless to argue. Though the idea frightened her she
knew he was right. She would do this for him and for the team.
"One more thing....."
She waited breathless for next request. She didn't know how much more she could take tonight. Her mind wanted to run away and forget
this was happening but her heart and the physical grip he had on her kept her in place.
"When the time comes," he hesitated knowing that this was going to be tough. He cleared his throat, softened his voice and rephrased,
"when it becomes apparent that I only have a few days left I want you to promise me two things."
`No, don't ask me. Please House don't.' she thought to herself
"One: that you will not try to keep me alive. I want a DNR order on my chart in big bold letters and I expect you to enforce it."
"But House...." She tried to interject but he continued, "And two: I don't want any pain meds."
"You can't be serious?" she was truly taken aback.
"Look people have natural childbirth right? Well I want a natural death. I want to meet it with my eyes wide open and my mind as clear as
it can be"
He had thought about this for quite some time; what would he do if he knew he was dying. It didn't take all that long to come to this
decision. His scientific mind wanted to take in everything there was to know about the experience of death. He had watched so many people die
and now he had the chance to know what only they knew. Glancing back at her but still lost in thought he watched a single tear roll down her
cheek. It caught him off guard and he had a sudden and unexpected urge to wipe it away. At that moment something seemed to shift in the air.
Her mouth was quivering with the effort of holding back the deluge that threatened to overwhelm them both. She didn't know what he would
do if she broke down. Would he reach out to comfort her or was he expecting her to be ever the professional and rise to the challenge he
had set down in front of her. She sat there torn and wounded to the core.
"How can you know if you will be able to go without drugs if you don't even know the progression of the disease you have?" her
voice shaky, she said it as much for herself as for him, "You don't know what to expect. You will be treading into un-chartered
waters without a life preserver."
Her choice of words almost made him laugh. `Life preserver'? He only wished.
"And you can't even go a few hours without the Vicodin because of the pain in your leg how do you expect to go through...' she
choked on her own words, `dying without taking something to ease the process?"
She pulled her hand away from him and got to her feet. She began to pace in front of him, her arms wrapped tightly across herself as if she
was chilled. And she was just that: chilled from head to toe. He watched her movements; slowly walking in front of him, back and forth.
Her auburn hair cascaded across her face hiding her from his view. But she could not hide herself completely. Everytime she crossed in front
of the light that stood on the opposite side of the room the glow from the bulb would highlight her silhouette making her almost angelic
looking. At that moment he wanted nothing more than to hold her, to comfort her and make her feel better. But the light was starting to
play tricks; one minute bright in his eyes and the next blocked by her body. Back and forth, back and forth. A sudden pain gripped his head
and the last thought he had before blacking out was `so this is what a seizure feels like.'
"House? House, can you hear me?" Wilson said as he shown a light into his eyes to check his pupils. House reached up and grabbed
it out of his hands
"What are you trying to do, induce another seizure?" House rubbed his temples and looked around him. Somehow he had been moved to
Cameron's bed which, if it wasn't for the circumstances would have been quite a pleasant surprise. She stood over him, her face the
perfect picture of worry and concern.
"I didn't call an ambulance because I knew that there would be hell to pay, and I of course would have to pay it, if you woke up in
the hospital so we just moved you to a more comfortable spot." Was there a hint of playful sarcasm in his voice? House smiled.
"Since when do you make house calls Dr. Wilson?" House raised himself into a sitting position.
"Sorry but he was the first person I thought to call." Cameron said, a bit worried that he would not have approved.
"How long was I out?" he asked to no one in particular.
"About 30 minutes or so" Cameron answered, "looks like it was just a small seizure." But she was obviously still shaken.
"House...." Wilson began to speak but House cut him off. "No." he knew what he was going to say to him. He was going to
tell him how he had to be admitted and how they needed to run more tests. "Can we just get past this idea of yours that I have to bend
to your iron will? Unless of course you brought the whip and chains." House smiled, stole a glance at Cameron and winked.
"I swear I am going to grab that cane of yours and beat you over the head with it, seizure or no seizure." Wilson shook his head and
gave Cameron a look of exasperation. "Maybe you can talk some sense into him."
"I don't want to see you at the hospital tomorrow unless you are there to check yourself in. Do you understand me?" Wilson said as
he rose to leave.
"Uh oh, big tough doctor is threatening me now. Hey, how do I know that I wasn't taken advantage of while I was off in la-la land?"
he proceeded to examine himself.
"Even as a dying man you are still a pain in the ass." Cameron winced at Wilson's bluntness.
"See you tomorrow Cameron, I'll let myself out" he turned away and headed towards the door. They both heard the door shut and
then became enveloped in silence. His favorite comedic foil had left and now there was nothing left in the void except his own fear. And
Cameron.
She looked down at him sitting there and there was something in his eyes that was impossible to read. He was like an animal caught in the cage
of his own body and he desperately wanted out.
"Penny for your thoughts?" she tilted her head to follow his eyes as he looked away. No she corrected herself, as he wasn't
merely looking away. He was running away. She decided to give him some space and turned to leave the room.
"Where are you going?" he asked. Fun time went out the door with Wilson and now all that was left was the dark reality of his
situation.
She turned back to him, "I am going to get some sheets and a pillow and get some sleep on the couch. You can sleep here." He looked
away again and she took that as his dismissal of her. She began to walk into the other room.
"Alllison." he whispered, rolling the sound of her name around his tongue like he would a fine piece of chocolate. He liked the taste
of it.
She stopped in her tracks, her breath caught in a silent gasp.
"Allison" he repeated, enjoying the simple act of saying it.
It was as if a magnet locked her in place and would not let her move. Her heart was pounding in her ears and beginning to race so fast that
she feared it would either stop or break in two. She was so afraid to face him and yet afraid not to face him.
"Don't leave. Please, I..." he trailed off then continued, "....I don't want to be alone. Would you stay with me
tonight?"
He said it with complete innocence. The armor of his false bravado was falling away leaving him open and vulnerable. She was the only one he
could trust this part of himself with. He knew that instinctively.
She turned around then. Turned her heart towards him as well. Suddenly he didn't look like the strong and capable man she had known. This
was such a revelation to her. He was a little boy sitting there, a tiny soul that needed a strong shoulder to lean on. How could she refuse him
this simple act of comfort? Just like earlier when he asked her for almost more than she could bear she knew she could never say no to him.
So she fixed her gaze with his, stared into his eyes as indescribably blue as an autumn sky and took her first step towards her destiny.
TO BE CONTINUED........
Please post a comment on this story.
Legal Disclaimer: The authors published here make no claims on the ownership of Dr. Gregory House and the other fictional residents of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Like the television show House (and quite possibly Dr. Wilson's pocket protector), they are the property of NBC/Universal, David Shore and undoubtedly other individuals of whom I am only peripherally aware. The fan fiction authors published here receive no monetary benefit from their work and intend no copyright infringement nor slight to the actual owners. We love the characters and we love the show, otherwise we wouldn't be here.
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