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A Jolly Good Fellow
by Evilida
Author's note: It sometimes annoys me that everyone on House MD is obsessed with Dr. Gregory House. This is a light-hearted story told from the point of view of a female character who respects House's professional skills but doesn't fall in love with him, take him too seriously, or care about his personal opinions.
When I met Dr. Gregory House for the first time, his clear blue eyes made an impression on me. They were a penetrating, startling blue, and although I will always prefer the dark, almost black eyes of my boyfriend Henry, I could see their attraction. I was dressed in an imitation Chanel suit I had specially purchased for the occasion, and he was dressed in jeans, t-shirt and an unironed dress shirt. He hadn't bothered to shave and his hair looked uncombed. A woman with dark curly hair sat next to him; she introduced herself as the Chief of Medicine, Dr. Lisa Cuddy. I hadn't expected the Chief of Medicine to be part of the interview. I found, as the interview progressed, that she was present merely to babysit House - to glare at him when he asked an inappropriate question and to caution me that I was not obliged to answer it. She let him conduct the interview.
I'd heard rumours about Dr. House. He was supposedly brilliant, but he was said to be almost maliciously cruel to his fellows. He enjoyed needling them, probing their psychological weaknesses, and noting their reactions. I'd met one of the people he had interviewed a couple of years ago. He told me that he'd burst into tears and then punched House in the nose. Dr. House had offered him the fellowship. He'd turned it down.
I was determined to keep my composure. My qualifications were excellent; I'd decided to become a doctor when I was fifteen and I had worked steadily towards my goal. I'd never allowed anything or anyone to distract me, not even Henry. I had a right to be confident.
Dr. House was not interested in talking about my qualifications. Instead he wanted to talk about my role in Bubblegum High School.
Bubblegum High School was a knock-off of programs like DeGrassi High and Saved by the Bell. It was broadcast on a Canadian cable channel, and was a French /Canadian co-production, made as cheaply as possible to fulfill the network's regulatory requirements for domestic programming. I'd auditioned on a whim for the role of Mei Ling, the brainy Chinese-American girl who becomes bulimic when she joins the gymnastics team. I was hired mainly because I'd gone to a French immersion school and had a pretty good French accent. We'd first do the scenes in English, and then in French. In either language, Bubblegum High School was dreadful. I'd heard that you could find some pirated episodes in obscure corners of the Internet, but it had never aired, as far as I knew, in the States. I hadn't put my brief experience there on my c.v., so House must have done some research on me, unless (God forbid!) he was a fan.
"So you're Rosemary Lum from Bubblegum High School. I missed the last episode," he said. "Did Todd tell Mei Ling about the `special feelings' he has for the captain of the football team?"
"Todd was run over by a bus on the way to the prom," I replied. "I didn't come here to talk about that show. Could we get back to talking about the fellowship?"
"Should I conduct this interview in Cantonese, Mandarin, French or English?" he said in Cantonese.
"English," I said in English.
"Then Cuddy will be able to listen in. Your qualifications are excellent, but I have a dozen applicants with equally good qualifications. All of them are so busy doing all the things that look good on a c.v. that they don't have time to develop a life or a personality. Why did you leave out the one thing in your life that distinguishes you from the other applicants?"
"My role in Bubblegum High School has nothing to do with my skill as a doctor."
"I'm not hiring good doctors. Okay, I am, but it's not my only goal. I don't want a team of clones. If I hire cookie-cutter doctors, I get cookie-cutter ideas. Bubblegum High School was the only reason I interviewed you."
"It was an awful show. Mei Ling was supposed to be smart, but the writers always made her do such stupid things. Todd was always hanging around the football captain, spotting him while he lifted weights and making moony eyes at him, and Mei Ling was just oblivious! It was embarrassing playing her. She was such a cliche."
"You're an Asian doctor," House said. "You're already a cliche ."
"No, I'm not. I'm an individual."
"Prove it," House said.
I talked about myself for fifteen minutes while House stared out the window and squeezed a rubber ball in his fist. Cuddy smiled at me encouragingly. I felt like an idiot, but I was offered the fellowship a week later.
House's department is supposed to have three fellows, but at the time I was hired there was only one other, and he was already on his way out the door. He couldn't take working with House, and started sending out applications for other positions after being at PPTH less than a month. In his desperation to be gone, he was actually taking a job in North Dakota.
I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. House himself wasn't much help. He didn't give me any instructions and shooed me out of his office; as far as I could see, his job was playing videogames. Finally, Dr. Wilson, Head of Oncology, filled me in. Part of my job, he said, is keeping an eye out for cases that might pique House's interest. These days, I trawl the wards, carrying a box of doughnuts to keep the residents and nurses sweet, fishing for the patients that other doctors cannot diagnose. House rejects most of the patients I bring him as insufficiently challenging, but once in a while I capture his attention. Once I even got a smile. I was so desperate for his approval, I ignored the fact he called me Mei Ling.
Tony Crane was hired after I'd been working at PPTH for two months. Although we are both fellows, he has always acted as if I were his underling. He refuses to make coffee in the morning, although he always has a cup or two after I make it, and he always has a condescending tone in his voice when he speaks to me. Actually, Crane is pretty condescending to everyone he meets, except House. He is incapable of hiding his air of smug superiority, and he is almost universally despised as a result. Even Dr. Wilson, the hospital sweetie pie, avoids him and complains about him to House. Actually, I think that letting House know how much he dislikes Crane has backfired on Wilson. House and Wilson have a strange but close relationship that I haven't figured out yet. House seems to enjoy annoying Wilson and making his life difficult, so he seldom misses a chance of bringing Crane and Wilson together. Still, making an enemy of Dr. Wilson is a stupid move. Wilson is with Dr. Cuddy, the Chief of Medicine. He doesn't push people around, but the two of them together are the hospital's Power Couple. Crane is a fool to get on his bad side, just to amuse House. I have to admit that Crane is pretty bright in other ways. He pulls his weight when we're doing a differential diagnosis.
When Wilson and Cuddy got married, Crane angled for a wedding invitation so obviously that it was hilarious. He thought Wilson would be a soft touch, but he was wrong. He tried Cuddy, but couldn't get past her assistant. Then he tried to get House, the best man, to invite him, but again without success. I didn't expect to be invited, since Wilson and Cuddy were having a small wedding and I'd only known them a few months. I was a bit disappointed when they invited three of House's old fellows, though. It seemed a bit of a snub to his current fellows.
House doesn't talk about his past much, but I'd heard about these three from hospital gossip. People will tell you anything for a free doughnut. House's former fellows were all competent doctors, but, according to my sources, they all had major personality problems. Allison Cameron had a huge crush on House and once forced him to go out on a date with her. (The details were unclear; I don't know how you force someone to date you against his will without being charged with kidnapping.) Robert Chase was an Australian pretty boy who followed him around like a puppy dog and laughed at all his jokes. Eric Foreman was ambitious and a natural leader, but there were rumours, possibly exaggerated, that he'd committed plagiarism and even that he'd stabbed another doctor with a needle.
One of the clinic nurses was at the wedding told me that Wilson and Cuddy had seemed very happy, and that the two flower girls (Cuddy's daughter and Wilson's niece) were as cute as anyone could want. Crane was waiting on the doorstep outside the synagogue when the ceremony ended. Apparently, he thought the Wilson/Cuddy wedding was a good opportunity to meet the powers that be at the hospital, so he shook hands and introduced himself to everyone as they were leaving. The clinic nurse couldn't stop laughing as he introduced himself to Cuddy's cousins and her daughter's nanny, under the impression he was making valuable contacts with hospital v.i.p.'s.
The day after Wilson's wedding, all three of House's former fellows showed up at the hospital. It was a shame that House took the day off, so none of them got a chance to see him.
The first to arrive was Allison Cameron. She is in her thirties, but she wears her hair in a style better suited to a twelve year old, and dresses like a bookish schoolgirl. She brought her husband and her two little boys. When I saw her husband, I knew the rumours of her crush on House had to be true. Her husband was considerably older than her, thin, and blue-eyed. He could have been House's less charismatic, less intelligent brother - a slightly faded photocopy of the original. Cameron had already been to House's apartment to see him, but he wasn't there. I think she would have been prepared to sit around House's office all day, on the chance that he might drop by, but her husband wouldn't let her. He said that he wanted to be home before dark, because breathing the night air might bring on an asthma attack, so they had to leave right away. Cameron gave me a photograph to give to House. It showed Cameron in a wedding dress; her husband was not in the picture.
Next to arrive was Robert Chase. He was boyishly handsome, although not quite as cute as my Henry. He was disappointed that House wasn't in and asked me to give him a couple of presents - a bottle of duty-free whiskey and a copy of an Australian medical journal with an article he'd written in it. Because he had some time to kill before he went back to New York to catch his flight, he asked me to lunch. Because I enjoy spending time in the company of handsome older men, I accepted. Chase was perfectly charming, listened to all my House stories and told a few of his own. House had once punched Chase in the face right in the corridors of the hospital! Chase forgave him, though, since House was in a lot of stress at the time. I would have pressed charges or at least hit him back.
For some reason, I seemed to be everyone's confidant that day. When I mentioned that Cameron had dropped by to see House, Chase was very interested. It was obvious that he still has romantic feelings for her. I think Chase is kind of pathetic really, since he lives on the other side of the world and he hadn't seen her for years. While we were eating lunch, she was probably napping in her husband's car as he drove the family back to New York. She was probably dreaming about Dr. Gregory House that very minute. (Actually, they are both pathetic! Unrequited love is so undignified.)
The last to arrive was Eric Foreman, who came in the early afternoon. His wife was with him. He was imposing and African-American; she was tiny, Korean-American, and impeccably dressed. Both seemed put out that House wasn't here, although Foreman hadn't told him that they were coming. I've mentioned that Cuddy and Wilson are the Power Couple of the hospital, because they both have important positions here. However, neither one of them is particularly interested in pushing his or her weight around. Dr. Cuddy is more interested in the efficient administration of the hospital than in power for its own sake, and Wilson can be generous and understanding to a fault. Mr. and Mrs. Foreman are a Power Couple of a different kind. They seemed to think that ambition and lust for power and status are admirable qualities, and saw no reason to hide these traits in their characters. While Tony Crane would be deliberately rude to someone he considered a subordinate, Eric Foreman did not see the need to alienate anyone who could potentially be of use to him in the future. He and his wife listened, impatient but polite, while I explained that I was one of House's fellows and that he was out for the day. He nodded curtly and handed me his business card to pass on to House. Then they left. The card was on heavy stock and had embossed lettering. I didn't like the Foremans, so I tossed it.
House was back at work the next day. He never said what he did while he was AWOL. Crane complained that House was grumpier than usually while Wilson and Cuddy were off on their honeymoon. I can't say I noticed a difference, but then keeping track of House's mental state was not very high on my list of priorities. Henry, who lives in Vancouver, had a week off from work and was coming to Princeton for his vacation. I enjoyed making plans for our time together. I took a week off myself and we had a terrific time.
After Wilson had been back a couple of weeks, Wilson and House had a big argument in the cafeteria. It was something about House getting drunk, getting arrested, and then asking Wilson to bail him out. I didn't understand why Wilson was so angry. Why did he care that House was drunk? It wasn't as if House was an alcoholic. (He might be addicted to the medication that he takes for his leg pain, but that's a different story.) I could understand Cuddy getting angry, since House's reputation affected the reputation of the hospital, but why Wilson? And if Wilson resented being awakened in the early hours of the morning to bail House out, why didn't he just turn over and go back to sleep instead of getting dressed, driving to the jail, and withdrawing the bail money from his own bank account?
After this argument, they started avoiding each other. Wilson started eating his lunch earlier and House later just so they wouldn't accidentally meet in the cafeteria.
A couple of weeks later, rumours started flying. One of the hospital's main donors had dropped out, and PPTH was in serious financial trouble. Cuts were imminent. It didn't take a genius to figure out that House's diagnostics department would probably be one of the first places to be cut, and I started revising my c.v. in my spare time. Crane was confident that the hospital would be saved. He had inside information; one of the board members was a good friend of his uncle.
"He says he knows a couple of rich hippies who run some sort of charitable foundation. If Cuddy gives them a good enough sob story, they'll make up the shortfall."
My own excellent sources soon confirmed Crane's story. They added a new detail. The wife of this couple had once been married to Dr. Wilson. I hadn't even known he had been married before. Now I found out that Cuddy was actually his fourth wife. That news changed my perspective on Dr. Wilson; I always seen him as a staid and stable person, not a love-them-and-leave-them Romeo! People weren't sure whether this former relationship was a good sign or a bad sign. On the one hand, the two were married a very long time ago, Wilson apparently got along fairly well with his other ex-wives, and she was now a do-gooder happily married to another person equally devoted to doing good. On the other hand, Wilson had cheated on her and left her heartbroken, and it was unlikely that she would ever have been able to forgive him. Some people speculated that she and her husband were just stringing the hospital along, waiting for a chance to spit in Wilson's face.
When I saw Wilson just after his honeymoon, he had seemed so happy and relaxed. Now, he looked worried and years older. Not a good sign. I started e-mailing copies of my newly revised c.v. to other hospitals.
Cuddy dropped into House's office one morning while we were discussing a patient. She seemed eager to talk to House, so I tactfully left. House later told me that he agreed to go to dinner with Wilson and Cuddy and the charitable foundation people, who were named Berendt. House is not known at all for his diplomacy, so inviting him along to the sort of tricky social minefield this dinner promised to be was courting disaster. I could only think of two people less desirable as dinner party guests - Hannibal Lector and Tony Crane. However, when I saw Wilson in the hospital corridor, he seemed a bit less frantic, and the next day House and Wilson had lunch in the cafeteria together for the first time in almost a month.
I wish I had been at the dinner party to see what happened, but I think my own imaginings are probably more fun. I know that the Berendts agreed to fund the hospital. Did Wilson have to go down on his knees before Mrs. Berendt and beg her not to take her righteous anger out on the hospital? (I can't quite see him doing this, although sometimes, in the evenings, when Henry seems a long way away, I try.) Did clever House find some secret information on the Berendts and blackmail them into making a huge donation to PPTH? (When I picture this, House has an old-fashioned moustache which he twirls menacingly.)
Everything is back to normal now.
Cuddy came to see us in the diagnostics room the other day. House's department is budgeted for three fellows, but he still has only two. Cuddy is going to cut his budget unless he finds a third fellow.
House, who hates paperwork, had me and Crane and even Wilson going through a stack of c.v.'s picking out the ones he should consider. He shouldn't have let Crane help. After Crane left his selections on House's desk, House went into the common room and found a stack of c.v.'s that Crane had tossed in the recycling bin. Crane didn't want to be outshone, so he threw away the c.v.'s of those he thought were potential rivals. House fished them out again and then made him do all House's clinic hours for a month as punishment.
House came up with a new selection method. Rather than holding a formal interview session for the final few candidates, he wants to make the hiring process a contest. Crane and I and the potential candidate will act as a team, and he will judge which team is most effective. He said that he was more interested in our effectiveness as a team than in the qualities of an individual candidate. He's going to present case studies, based on real cases that he dealt with in his years as a diagnostician. House will give us a list of symptoms and we will ask questions about the patient's history, suggest appropriate tests, and come up with diagnoses. If we ask the right questions, do the right tests and make the right diagnosis, the patient lives.
"That sounds like fun." Crane said.
"It sounds like another way of humiliating us," I said. "You're just going to demonstrate yet again how much more brilliant you are than we are."
"Yes, "House said. "That's the fun part. Weren't you paying attention? "
The first interview is tomorrow. He had me draw the first contestant's name from a hat. Her name is Miranda Cruz. Poor Miranda.
"I think I'll invite Wilson," House said. "I bet he has a video camera."
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Legal Disclaimer: The authors published here make no claims on the ownership of Dr. Gregory House and the other fictional residents of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Like the television show House (and quite possibly Dr. Wilson's pocket protector), they are the property of NBC/Universal, David Shore and undoubtedly other individuals of whom I am only peripherally aware. The fan fiction authors published here receive no monetary benefit from their work and intend no copyright infringement nor slight to the actual owners. We love the characters and we love the show, otherwise we wouldn't be here.
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