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Part 4 ~ The Leap Of Faith
by mysterrious
PRAYER FOR A MIRACLE PART 4 ~ The Leap of Faith
"This flood (this flood) is slowly rising up swallowing the ground
Beneath my feet, Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim (I'll swim) as the water rises up, the sun is sinking down
And now all I can see are the planets in a row
Suggesting it's best that I slow down
This night's a perfect shade of
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down
Dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning dark blue"
Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin (on a side note the lead singer/songwriter who is in his early 20's is in remission from cancer)
THE LEAP OF FAITH
And then, just as suddenly as it had began it ended. He opened his eyes to see Cameron standing on a cliff by the ocean, falling to her knees. In that moment he knew that he would have to make the hardest decision of his life....and his death.
He leaned his weight on his cane and stood facing the ocean. He could see her, really see her maybe for the first time in his existence kneeling on the rocks of the cliff. She didn't move, didn't give any indication that she knew he was there. Of course she couldn't see him; there wasn't really any `him' to see. He suddenly knew what hell felt like.
He was surprised when he found that he could hear her thoughts. His lips moved with her words; he knew the story she was reminiscing about. Knew it intimately. He sat near her and listened.
The touch of his finger to her lips, even under such dire circumstances was electrifying. The air around them seemed charged with so many unspoken words in a language that neither of them really understood. Cameron sat there unmoving; the only outward sign of her inward turmoil was the rabid blinking of her eyes. She held back her shocked tears as best as she could, for her own sake as well as his. She understood that for him to come to her like this, to trust her with this knowledge was not an easy thing for him to do. So she waited.
"I will need someone to replace me......" he trailed off, looking away for a moment, his thoughts flying in so many directions at once that it was hard to organize them all.
He turned his eyes back toward her, "and I want that someone to be you."
"But I can't....I could never replace you! I don't have even half your knowledge or a quarter of your insight," she shot back, "and stop talking like you are going somewhere. Since when do you give up so easy!?"
"Do you think for one goddamned minute that I haven't tried to figure this whole mess out?" he began to raise his voice, "I've had every test you could imagine and even some you couldn't. I've wracked my slowly disintegrating brain over and over to try to come up with the answer but I can't figure it out. And if I can't put my finger on the cause of my illness then you, Chase, Foreman or even Wilson or Cuddy won't be able to either."
He rested his head against the back of the couch and looked up at the ceiling.
"So I need someone to head the team in my absence. So do you want the job or not?" he rubbed his eyes with his hands. "Good benefits, great parking space. You get to use the marker and the white board."
She sat there dumbfounded. He was making jokes. The bastard was gravely ill and still felt the need to be sarcastic.
"And what if I say no?" she wasn't going to let him give up that easy, "what if I turn you down?"
"You won't" he managed a small smile, "I can tell by the sound of your voice that you wouldn't turn me down. Because if you turned me down you would be letting me down and I know that you would never do that."
Was she that transparent? Or was his insight into her something more. Before she could even throw together a response he reached over and took her hand.
"I need you to do this Cameron. Remember the last time I came to your door? I needed you to come back to work because not only are the brilliant but you have an empathy that the others lack. I need you to do this last favor for me. I need to know that when I am gone someone with half a brain will be stepping into my shoes."
He held her transfixed both by his words and by his grip on her hand. She knew it was hopeless to argue. Though the idea frightened her she knew he was right. She would do this for him and for the team.
"One more thing....."
She waited breathless for next request. She didn't know how much more she could take tonight. Her mind wanted to run away and forget this was happening but her heart and the physical grip he had on her kept her in place.
"When the time comes," he hesitated knowing that this was going to be tough. He cleared his throat, softened his voice and rephrased, "when it becomes apparent that I only have a few days left I want you to promise me two things."
`No, don't ask me. Please House don't.' she thought to herself
"One: that you will not try to keep me alive. I want a DNR order on my chart in big bold letters and I expect you to enforce it."
"But House...." She tried to interject but he continued,
"And two: I don't want any pain meds."
"You can't be serious?" she was truly taken aback.
"Look people have natural childbirth right? Well I want a natural death. I want to meet it with my eyes wide open and my mind as clear as it can be"
He had thought about this for quite some time; what would he do if he knew he was dying. It didn't take all that long to come to this decision. His scientific mind wanted to take in everything there was to know about the experience of death. He had watched so many people die and now he had the chance to know what only they knew. Glancing back at her but still lost in thought he watched a single tear roll down her cheek. It caught him off guard and he had a sudden and unexpected urge to wipe it away. At that moment something seemed to shift in the air. Her mouth was quivering with the effort of holding back the deluge that threatened to overwhelm them both. She didn't know what he would do if she broke down. Would he reach out to comfort her or was he expecting her to be ever the professional and rise to the challenge he had set down in front of her. She sat there torn and wounded to the core.
"How can you know if you will be able to go without drugs if you don't even know the progression of the disease you have?" her voice shaky, she said it as much for herself as for him, "You don't know what to expect. You will be treading into un-chartered waters without a life preserver."
Her choice of words almost made him laugh. `Life preserver'? He only wished.
"And you can't even go a few hours without the Vicodin because of the pain in your leg how do you expect to go through...' she choked on her own words, `dying without taking something to ease the process?"
She pulled her hand away from him and got to her feet. She began to pace in front of him, her arms wrapped tightly across herself as if she was chilled. And she was just that: chilled from head to toe. He watched her movements; slowly walking in front of him, back and forth. Her auburn hair cascaded across her face hiding her from his view. But she could not hide herself completely. Everytime she crossed in front of the light that stood on the opposite side of the room the glow from the bulb would highlight her silhouette making her almost angelic looking. At that moment he wanted nothing more than to hold her, to comfort her and make her feel better. But the light was starting to play tricks; one minute bright in his eyes and the next blocked by her body. Back and forth, back and forth. A sudden pain gripped his head and the last thought he had before blacking out was `so this is what a seizure feels like.'
"House? House, can you hear me?" Wilson said as he shown a light into his eyes to check his pupils. House reached up and grabbed it out of his hands
"What are you trying to do, induce another seizure?" House rubbed his temples and looked around him. Somehow he had been moved to Cameron's bed which, if it wasn't for the circumstances would have been quite a pleasant surprise. She stood over him, her face the perfect picture of worry and concern.
"I didn't call an ambulance because I knew that there would be hell to pay, and I of course would have to pay it, if you woke up in the hospital so we just moved you to a more comfortable spot." Was there a hint of playful sarcasm in his voice? House smiled.
"Since when do you make house calls Dr. Wilson?" House raised himself into a sitting position.
"Sorry but he was the first person I thought to call." Cameron said, a bit worried that he would not have approved.
"How long was I out?" he asked to no one in particular.
"About 30 minutes or so" Cameron answered, "looks like it was just a small seizure." But she was obviously still shaken.
"House...." Wilson began to speak but House cut him off
"No." he knew what he was going to say to him. He was going to tell him how he had to be admitted and how they needed to run more tests. "Can we just get past this idea of yours that I have to bend to your iron will? Unless of course you brought the whip and chains." House smiled, stole a glance at Cameron and winked.
"I swear I am going to grab that cane of yours and beat you over the head with it, seizure or no seizure." Wilson shook his head and gave Cameron a look of exasperation. "Maybe you can talk some sense into him."
"I don't want to see you at the hospital tomorrow unless you are there to check yourself in. Do you understand me?" Wilson said as he rose to leave.
"Uh oh, big tough doctor is threatening me now. Hey, how do I know that I wasn't taken advantage of while I was off in la-la land?" he proceeded to examine himself.
"Even as a dying man you are still a pain in the ass." Cameron winced at Wilson's bluntness.
"See you tomorrow Cameron, I'll let myself out" he turned away and headed towards the door. They both heard the door shut and then became enveloped in silence. His favorite comedic foil had left and now there was nothing left in the void except his own fear. And Cameron.
She looked down at him sitting there and there was something in his eyes that was impossible to read. He was like an animal caught in the cage of his own body and he desperately wanted out.
"Penny for your thoughts?" she tilted her head to follow his eyes as he looked away. No she corrected herself, as he wasn't merely looking away. He was running away. She decided to give him some space and turned to leave the room.
"Where are you going?" he asked. Fun time went out the door with Wilson and now all that was left was the dark reality of his situation.
She turned back to him, "I am going to get some sheets and a pillow and get some sleep on the couch. You can sleep here." He looked away again and she took that as his dismissal of her. She began to walk into the other room.
"Alllison." he whispered, rolling the sound of her name around his tongue like he would a fine piece of chocolate. He liked the taste of it.
She stopped in her tracks, her breath caught in a silent gasp.
"Allison" he repeated, enjoying the simple act of saying it.
It was as if a magnet locked her in place and would not let her move. Her heart was pounding in her ears and beginning to race so fast that she feared it would either stop or break in two. She was so afraid to face him and yet afraid not to face him.
"Don't leave. Please, I..." he trailed off then continued, "....I don't want to be alone. Would you stay with me tonight?"
He said it with complete innocence. The armor of his false bravado was falling away leaving him open and vulnerable. She was the only one he could trust this part of himself with. He knew that instinctively.
She turned around then. Turned her heart towards him as well. Suddenly he didn't look like the strong and capable man she had known. This was such a revelation to her. He was a little boy sitting there, a tiny soul that needed a strong shoulder to lean on. How could she refuse him this simple act of comfort? Just like earlier when he asked her for almost more than she could bear she knew she could never say no to him. So she fixed her gaze with his, stared into his eyes as indescribably blue as an autumn sky and took her first step towards her destiny.
TO BE CONTINUED
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Legal Disclaimer: The authors published here make no claims on the ownership of Dr. Gregory House and the other fictional residents of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Like the television show House (and quite possibly Dr. Wilson's pocket protector), they are the property of NBC/Universal, David Shore and undoubtedly other individuals of whom I am only peripherally aware. The fan fiction authors published here receive no monetary benefit from their work and intend no copyright infringement nor slight to the actual owners. We love the characters and we love the show, otherwise we wouldn't be here.
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