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Hope Lost
by Donna
Cuddy anxiously exhaled as she tightened her grip on the exam table beneath her. She never liked being the patient, a common symptom for most doctors. The waiting was always agonizing. The fact that her bottom was hanging out of a hospital gown was not exactly helping. She hated feeling vulnerable which was exactly how she felt. There was something even more dreadful about this particular visit though. She was meeting with her fertility specialist to discuss further options after two failed IVF attempts and a miscarriage. Frankly she didn't know if she could go through another disappointment. She was frustrated and her hope of having a child was almost non-existent. Twenty years ago she would never have imagined herself here. She'd had every intention of marrying and starting a family before she reached 40. Her career was always the priority and with quick advancement, long hours and attention to detail there just never seemed to be room in her life for anything else. She had dated and even had a few serious relationships but the right man just wasn't in the cards. So here she was 40 and trying to have a baby on her own. She felt the over-whelming feeling of disappointment wash over her as it always did when she drifted to the subject. She knew though that she wouldn't have traded any of it. Being a doctor was everything and to now be one of the youngest chief of medicines ever at Plainsboro Princeton was her idea of where she should be. She needed more though. If only she could go back. Her thoughts began to drift again when the door to the exam room opened and short portly doctor appeared.
"Good morning doctor Cuddy."
Cuddy managed to grumble hello
"How are you feeling? I have the latest fertility test results after the miscarriage...but I'm sorry to say they are inconclusive. We can continue further treatments and additional rounds of IVF."
The news was a relief to find out that the tests did not declare her infertile but as good as it was supposed to be Dr. Pendleton had not exactly been enthusiastic at delivering it. His face was serious but seemed tense and sullen with an expression she was all too familiar with when physicians have to give bad news.
"If I were to continue trying for lack of better word what would my chances be?"
"Lisa, forgive me for being forward but you probably already know being in 40's greatly reduces the chances of successful conception. Although it is still possible the risks are high for genetic abnormalities which increase the chance of miscarriage. Also the aging of your eggs reduce the likelihood of successful fertilization. After two failed attempts and a miscarriage the chances are even less likely."
Cuddy gave a deep sigh she knew she had been a bit presumptuous in assuming she could get pregnant. She should've done this ten years ago but at that point she assumed she still had time.
Dr. Pendleton gave a hopeful smile
"Lisa we can continue to try and you may want to consider using donor eggs which will increase your chances."
"Dr. Pendleton I want a biological child, using donor eggs is out of the question........ I'm not sure I can continue to go through this."
"I understand, many women cannot handle the pressure and hopes of getting pregnant and then the let down when it doesn't happen."
When leaving the office she did all she could to hide the disappoint and absolute hopelessness she felt. But when she reached her car, she couldn't hold back any longer. She placed her head in her hands and cried. She cried for not being able to have a child. She cried for waiting too long and she cried b/c she didn't know how to accept that her life would always be lonely.
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House limped through the clinic and to Cuddy's door on a mission. He had the same look of determination he always did when asking for a procedure that was absolutely insane under the circumstances. He used his cane to punch through the double doors. Without even missing a beat he began rambling off what he wanted and why. Cuddy was in the middle of searching for a pen in her desk drawer. She looked up at the site of House bantering when House noticed her blotchy face and red eyes.
"What's with you? Blotchy face, red eyes. Could we be a bit hormonal?" He smirked
Cuddy slammed the desk drawer " For the last time, House I'm not pregnant!"
"Well judging by the fact that you missed a button on your shirt I would say you dressed in haste and the fact that you're late must mean something important. Hmmmm would that be a doctor's appointment..."
"That's none of your business."
"If you weren't there to confirm a pregnancy and you're crying then must be bad news. Looking at those puppy dog eyes I think I could guess.. miscarriage'
"Actually quite the opposite... I can't get pregnant.... I'm not ever going to get pregnant"
She seemed to give up the fight on that note and collapsed in her chair. She gave a cold stare to House which meant... get the hell out. It was bad enough to go through this must less to have to share this with House who would probably never let her forget it. Surprising her he didn't leave right away. He returned her stare with one of almost caring, one with the understanding between two people who really knew what it was like to be alone. They shared the moment staring back at one another until House slowly turned toward the door and left.
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Legal Disclaimer: The authors published here make no claims on the ownership of Dr. Gregory House and the other fictional residents of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Like the television show House (and quite possibly Dr. Wilson's pocket protector), they are the property of NBC/Universal, David Shore and undoubtedly other individuals of whom I am only peripherally aware. The fan fiction authors published here receive no monetary benefit from their work and intend no copyright infringement nor slight to the actual owners. We love the characters and we love the show, otherwise we wouldn't be here.
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