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Doctor Snark: Revenge on the Ducklings
by gena
Doctor Snark and his sidekick Wonder Boy Wilson:
Revenge on the Ducklings
It was a dark and stormy night. The kind of night where storm clouds gather, and a deluge ensues with lightning dancing in the background to the accompaniment of moody music. The kind of night that rarely happened anywhere but over the Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, a phenomenon which had stumped New Jersey meteorologists for months. In the upper reaches of that venerable building a trio of young, attractive doctors were huddled together, their eager faces cast in eerie blue shadows, their eyes fixed on a glowing screen as they worked through a diagnosis. "I'm not sure," Dr. Allison Cameron murmured. "That line there," her forefinger traced a shape across the small screen, "it could be just a shadow." Silence stretched taunt, quivering at the breaking point as they studied the screen once again. Finally, the prettiest of the three said, "Nah I think -"
"Uh, that's my line, Cameron," Chase pointed out with a glare.
"Sorry," she said, pouting. Chase glared at her but continued as if she had not tried to steal his position as Hot Doc. "Nah, I think it's genuine," Chase said with a decisive nod. "It's exactly what he says it is." Both doctors turned to their companion. "Where the hell did you get this?"
Eric Foreman grinned and turned the small cell phone screen back to where he could stare at it. "Wilson," he said, chuckling.
Cameron blinked. Chase gaped. Foreman nodded.
"Wilson sent you a photo of a silver spandex clad ass? Is it like a Book of the Month Club thing? You get a different ass every four weeks?" Chase asked.
"No!" Foreman snarled. "It's House's ass." Well, this little nugget - er, pair of nuggets? was met by stone cold silence. Crickets, out in the park, could be heard chirping. Loudly. For a long time.
"Uh," Cameron shook herself free of her paralysis first, "Just how do you know that's House's ass?" Another thought occurred, "Why did Wilson send you a picture of House's ass anyway?" A third thought followed quickly on the heels of that last one even more disturbing than knowing Wilson had access to House's silver spandex covered ass, "What the hell were they doing when Wilson took that photo?"
"Playing games." All three young, hot doctors shared knowing smirks until they realized it hadn't been one of their gorgeous mouths which had uttered that single, image provoking phrase.
Three heads snapped around so quickly people down on the orthopedics floor winced in sympathy. Dr. Gregory House stood there in all his glory. No, come on, people he had clothes on! When I said "all his glory" I meant the cane, the cool t-shirt, the sneakers.....sheesh. House stood there in all his glory, leaning on his cane, his expression rivaling the thunderous night sky outside the funky glass windows. "I repeat - playing games?"
"Uh," Foreman snapped his cell closed and assumed his most belligerent expression.
Chase tried distracting House, "It was the drug rep -"
"Liar!" House shouted and limped towards the threesome, steely blue eyes flashing in the light, dazzling everyone within a ten foot radius. Foreman, protected by his stint in juvie and the secrets he had learned on the "inside", rolled his eyes but Cameron was caught in their full hypnotic clutches.
"It was a picture of your ass," she said with a vacant stare, "covered in silver spandex."
"Ah-ha!" House roared. "I knew it was one of you three!"
"That what?" Foreman demanded. "Hid your cane last week? Downloaded Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits into your iPod? Changed all the passwords on your porn sites? Yeah, it was one of us," he said, getting to his feet. House and Foreman faced off, piercing blue gaze locked with hard brown. "Yeah," Foreman said with a challenging smile. "It was Chase. I tried to stop him."
"What?" Chase squeaked. "Honestly boss," he said quickly, "it wasn't me."
House frowned, suspicion written all over his face as if it were a face sized white board with stubble and piercing blue eyes. "Not any of that," but they could see he was filing those little tidbits away. "I just had a sexually charged chat with Dr. Cuddy, one I'd hoped to pepper with innuendo and flirtatious remarks cleverly designed to cover our mutual attraction." Lining his ducklings up in a row, he stared them all down. "But just as I was going for a particularly risqu little quip I caught sight of her screensaver."
"S-screensaver?" Foreman whispered.
"Yes," House said. "One of a very fine and very familiar rear." He reached back and grabbed a firm, round cheek. Foreman yelped and House let go, "Sorry, wrong ass." He grabbed his own. "They don't call me The Dashing Doctor Derriere just because it's a great alliteration, you know?"
"They don't call you the Dashing Doctor Derriere," Cameron pointed out.
"No," Chase agreed, "they call you Ballsy Bastard."
"Arrogant Asshole," Foreman chimed in.
"Mr. Cranky Face."
"Horrible Hous-"
"Okay!" House pounded his cane on the floor for silence. "Okay, whatever. What I mean is, that's my ass on her screen and you three are going to pay."
"But Wilson sent it!" Chase protested.
"Oh, he's already paid," House assured them with a satisfied grin. Limping to the doorway he prodded a very large bag sitting there. "Come on, there's one for everyone. Get dressed." The trio of young, sexy medicos looked down at the bag, fear in their eyes. "Now," House said. He took a seat and watched with a wicked smile as his small team transformed themselves into - The Ducklings!
Dressed in yellow from head to toe, billed caps with real bills perched on their heads and DUCKLING scrawled across their spandex chests in House's writing, the three - no longer as attractive doctors - glared at him. "You can't be serious," Foreman said.
"This is illegal," Chase cried.
"Immoral," Cameron condemned, though she was secretly pleased to see House had provided a snazzy yellow vest with her outfit and the slacks clung to her hips in all the right places. The webbed shoes were a bit odd but with a kitten heel they could be cute.
"Not so, underlings," House said, whipping off his jacket to reveal his silver spandex shirt and blue cape. The H in the center matched the color of his eyes exactly. "To the Snark-Mobile!" Like a flash of lightning he hobbled out of the room, his ducklings following behind as if they were heading to a night of totally humiliation and ridicule....which they were but still, attitude counts.
Thankfully they met no one in the halls. Trudging behind House, Cameron and Chase sent Foreman murderous looks but he deflected them with his bright orange duckbill. They stopped at House's red Vette. James Wilson sat in the passenger seat, shoulders slumped under his yellow cape, the W over his breast slightly wrinkled and his whole demeanor resigned. "Hey, guys," he greeted.
"Hi, Dr. Wilson," Cameron said bravely.
"Cut the chit-chat," House snapped, "we have lives to save." Wilson gave them an apologetic smile and scooted up to let the three - uh, yellow, young doctors, climb into the small rear space. "Hold onto your bills!" Squashed together in the back, Cameron, Chase and Foreman hung on for dear life. In the front Wilson hung on to House for fun.
"Uh, House," Wilson said as they tore out of the parking garage, "don't forget about that plague carrying leper guy."
House sighed. "The life of a superhero is fraught with danger and rife with disappointment."
"Yeah," Wilson said, "but you could be doing clinic hours."
The car disappeared down the highway, a heroic cry of "Snark!" rang across the dark, stormy sky.
Followed by some half hearted quacks.
And a sidekick's embarrassed silence.
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Legal Disclaimer: The authors published here make no claims on the ownership of Dr. Gregory House and the other fictional residents of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Like the television show House (and quite possibly Dr. Wilson's pocket protector), they are the property of Fox Television, David Shore and undoubtedly other individuals of whom I am only peripherally aware. The fan fiction authors published here receive no monetary benefit from their work and intend no copyright infringement nor slight to the actual owners. We love the characters and we love the show, otherwise we wouldn't be here.
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