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Please, forgive me
by Ariel
GENRE: songfic
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these characters and I don't make any money from this, whatever this is.
NOTES: I usually speak Italian around here, so any mistakes you find you can point them to me and I'll fix them. Thanks.
NOTES 2: PLEASE, FORGIVE ME is performed by Bryan Adams and written by Adams/Lange. It's available on `So far so good' and `The best of me', Badman ltd/A&M records inc..
This fic follows ` I'm outta love'
***
^ It still feels like our first night together/
feels like the first kiss and it's gettin' better baby/
no one can better this/
I don't panic easily, that's for sure, and I'm terribly territorial and egocentric. But even I, sometimes, feel the need of another human being apart from me and myself. That doesn't mean I'd ever act on a wish.
After a couple of months I've come to grips with the undeniable fact that, if I didn't slip, if he wasn't still around despite the late hour, if I hadn't been so tired, THAT NIGHT never would have happened, and I'd still be alone with myself. Depressing thought.
^ I'm still holding on and you're still the one/
the first time our eyes met - it's the same feelin' I get/
only feels much stronger - I wanna love ya longer/
you still turn the fire on .../
The morning after, for a moment after waking up, in those few moments in which you're not still sleeping but not awake yet, I thought it had been all a figment of my lonely imagination, but then I turned and there he was, quietly breathing beside me and I caught my breath, staring at him.
What was he doing still there, in my bed, with me?
I couldn't find a reason then and damn it if I can now.
^ So if you're feelin' lonely... don't/
you're the only one I'd ever want/
I only wanna make it good/
So if I love ya a little more than I should/
When he passed my study earlier this evening, I knew without a doubt that I'd lost him.
I wasn't prepared for the coldness that possessed me, the rage ... the jealousy. When exactly did I stop being cold? How? But then the ghost feeling of Chase's fingers on my leg, his caresses, made me grip my cane harder. He had brought me so much warmth... I was so angry, with him, because he said he KNEW I was an ass and he was ok with it; with me because I let him slip so much under my skin I felt devastated by his rejection. But then, the cold came back and soon it was all that remained, until I realized that if he ceased to belong to me, he could find himself someone else...
someone who'd be allowed to hear his sobs when his climax is drawn out and he cannot touch himself...
someone who could hear his laughter, feel him press his body impossibly close for a hug...
someone who'd have free access to his skin wet from the shower, drops caressing him like a lover would...
I couldn't let that happen. The boy was mine.
^ Please forgive me - I know not what I do/
Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you/
Don't deny me - this pain I'm going through/
***
I didn't think I'd have a chance. Chase would be so much better off without me. So it was with utter selfishness that I rang the bell of Robert's house. I could no longer see myself without my duckling.
No one answered and I started panicking. Was it too late already?
I hung my head and laid my left hand on the door, touching it with my forehead.
^ Please forgive me - if I need ya like I do/
Please believe me - every word I say it's true/
Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you/
My leg throbbed and I stifled a groan. Better get used to it again, my inner voice sneered at me, easier done with a Vicodin, right? I reached into my right pocket for the bottle and found a key instead. I regarded it with weariness.
Chase gave it to me one rainy evening, when he went home on time for a change and I said still had work to do.
That had been one hell of a day.
- If you need me... - The sentence hung in the air. He deposited the spare key on my desk , probably quite sure the suggestion I needed anyone or anything would be laughed at or met with my notorious sarcasm, and left, before I could say anything.
Sometime along the night I decided to take his offer, but when I reached his house he was still up, so I never used it before, but never returned it either. Good.
As I opened the door with trembling fingers, I asked myself what I'd do once inside, once I'd be in front of him. I didn't know, my mind was completely black and I felt so numb.
I passed the threshold and I found no one inside. Then I caught the sound of the shower and the smell of his soap: a blend between chocolate and caramel. I calmed down a bit.
^ Still feels like our best times are together/
feels like the first touch/
we're still getting' closer baby/
can't get closer enough/
I'm still holdin' on - you're still number one/
I tried to steel myself for the upcoming confrontation, but Robert appeared with only a little towel around his hips, still damp from the shower, hair dripping wet and those few thoughts I managed to gather scattered again.
Even from where I stood, just inside his living room, I could smell his skin. The low light made me remember how it glowed when highlighted by candles. How the shadows played with everyone of his moves. How I loved watching him ride my cock, the desperate expression on his face, the way he could not keep still and reached out to me, to touch and be touched.
^ I remember the smell of your skin/
I remember everything/
I remember all your moves - I remember you/
I remember the nights - ya know I still do/
And when my leg let me, I loved to keep him pinned under me, feel his legs wrap around my waists, see him rock his hips trying to speed up the movement, groan frustrated when I kept him from bringing himself to climax. I loved everything about him... and everything we did together. He was able to tame my pain, my restlessness, even my sarcasm. I forgot so much these past couple of months: my Game Boy, General Hospital, more than one pill.
Robert stopped just a few steps out of my reach and his eyes pleaded with me to go away, leave him alone... it scared me, but I couldn't. I knew it was too last to escape. And I was glad I didn't have a chance.
Remained the fact I had to talk to him. I tried, I really forced myself to say something, anything, but my voice refused to obey. He turned away from me, defeated and it was the slump of his shoulders, the emptiness in his eyes that got to me.
- I'm sorry. - And it was so trivial, saying it then. He asked me to repeat it, probably thought I was lying, but that was probably the first time I wasn't. So I satisfied him.
- I'm sorry. - And I felt so old all of a sudden.
^ So if you're feelin' lonely ... don't/
you're the only one I'd ever want/
I only wanna make it good/
So if I love ya a little more than I should/
I was so tired I couldn't even move, until Chase nearly knocked me down, throwing himself at me. His body was so warm and I was starting to shiver. He felt so good, fit so perfectly against me. Maybe this time I did something right. Maybe even falling would not be a disaster. So I decided to risk everything I had. I let go of the cane and leaned more on Robert.
- Can I? - I asked. And if my voice sounded a little unsure I didn't give a damn.
He stilled for a moment, shivered, then whispered: - Sure. I'll catch you. -
Then only one thing remained to be said: - I love you, Robert. - His smile told me I was forgiven.
^ Please forgive me - I know not what I do/
Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you/
Don't deny me - this pain I'm going through/
Please forgive me - if I need ya like I do/
Please believe me - every word I say it's true/
Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you/
***
Everything is so quiet here, so different from my apartment, which has paper-like walls. Here I hear only Robert's breathing, his heartbeat. The weight of his hand on my thigh is so comforting it scares me, and gives me peace so deep at the same time.
I'm a little restless tonight, the thought of losing him still present on my mind. Chase shifts, snuggling to me.
- You ok? Is your leg bothering you? - His voice is muffled by my shirt and I smile, hugging him close.
- No, it's ok. - I only want to feel you, I'd like to say, but it will take time for me to be comfortable with words.
His hand slips under my t-shirt, his fingertips drawing strange symbols on my skin. I relax further on the bed and let him explore. He is soft and warm, my muscles twitch under his touch, until he reaches my nipples. I moan and feel his breath quicken. I grab his hair and he comes to me. Lips, tongues and breath meet hungrily.
I shift and lie him down, I cover his body and feel his heat seep through me. His hands grip my waists and he grinds into me. Our rhythm is frantic, with no control. I bend my right leg and bring it under his. His hand finds my scars and caress them. I manage to free our erections and Robert arches his back. I slip mi right hand under him, shift my weight on the left and reach his nipples with my mouth. It's so intense, this need is so deep...
^ One thing I'm sure of - is the way we make love/
and the one thing I depend on/
is for us to stay strong/
with every word and every breath I'm prayin'/
that's why I'm sayin'.../
...and is spiralling down toward the end.
Chase comes with a sobbed: - Greg... - on his lips, while I kiss him and spill on his stomach. He catches me, again, and cradles me, trying to regain his breath. I hug him tightly and say one more time: - I'm sorry. -
He kisses my forehead and closing his eyes, whispers: - I know. -
11/10/2005
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Legal Disclaimer: The authors published here make no claims on the ownership of Dr. Gregory House and the other fictional residents of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Like the television show House (and quite possibly Dr. Wilson's pocket protector), they are the property of Fox Television, David Shore and undoubtedly other individuals of whom I am only peripherally aware. The fan fiction authors published here receive no monetary benefit from their work and intend no copyright infringement nor slight to the actual owners. We love the characters and we love the show, otherwise we wouldn't be here.
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