He closed the door to the bathroom, shutting out for a moment the rest of the world. Brian Rafe took a deep breath and looked into the mirror, his hands gripping the edges of the sink. The evening so far had been wonderful; in some ways it had been the best birthday he'd ever had. But at the same time it was torture, sweet, sweet torture, to be so close to what he desired that was so completely unattainable...
***
"Hey, Rafe!"
He looked up from his paperwork to see Sandburg heading toward Ellison's desk, but looking his direction. "Yeah, Sandburg? What's up at the U today?"
"Nothing, man. Same old. You're coming to the loft for the poker game tonight, right?"
A spark of hope he hadn't realized was there quickly faded. He'd thought for sure Sandburg, at least, would know what today was. It was just the sort of thing Sandburg did. He even remembered the donut lady's birthday. He was waiting for an answer.
"Umm, no, I don't think so. I've got too much paperwork to finish. I'm going to be here late, I think."
He tried not to acknowledge the knot of pain it caused to see Blair's face fall. "Oh, come on, man! It's Friday! You need to take at least a few hours off! That Diego case you've been working on has been a bitch, but you're done with it now. The paperwork can wait 'til Monday, I'm sure."
Rafe tried not to be too pleased that Blair knew his caseload. That was so like Sandburg to realize how hard he'd been working; it wasn't like he and Ellison had been on the Diego case with him. Sandburg just cared about people. It did not mean he cared about one Brian Rafe in particular, even if he might wish it did.
Ellison hung up his phone and joined in the conversation. "He's right, Rafe. You haven't been sleeping well this week, and you've done some seriously good work. You need some down time."
So what could he do but agree? Jim's voice, in that caring tone, actually directed at him, combined with Sandburg's pleading eyes...either of those two could get anything they wanted from him for far less. Rafe had lusted after Jim since he'd first joined Major Crimes four years earlier, but Ellison had been obviously and painfully straight. Sandburg had caught Rafe's eye from the moment he'd come through the door, but now he and Ellison were practically attached at the hip. And the two were so completely right for each other that Rafe couldn't even consider approaching either of them.
His feelings had deepened over the years. He didn't know when or how, but he'd fallen completely and totally in love with both of them. It did seem odd when he thought about it, to be in love with two men at the same time, but Blair and Jim were so much a part of each other that you almost couldn't think of them separately. To love one was to love the other because one completed the other.
***
Rafe drove over to the loft trying not to feel sorry for himself. No one had remembered his birthday, not even his partner. Just another day. And now he had to spend the evening at Jim and Blair's apartment, pretending he didn't wish he could be a part of their lives as more than just a co-worker.
His steps were leaden as he trudged up the stairs in a futile attempt to put this night of "fun" off just a little longer. Rafe pasted a smile on his face as he reached #307 and the door opened just as he lifted his hand to knock.
Jim smiled and said, "Hey, Rafe, glad you could make it!"
It was a little disconcerting, enough so that he didn't realize what was going on as he stepped through the door, until a chorus of voices greeted him with, "Happy birthday, Rafe!"
He looked up to see a cake on the table with presents behind it. Dazed, he looked around to see a dozen smiling people. A festive banner hung on the wall that repeated the "Happy Birthday!" wish.
"Oh, wow," was all he could say for a moment.
"Hey, he's speechless!" Blair cried, and everybody laughed, and then Blair hugged him, oh god, and the sweet torture began.
***
It had been a great party, though. Everyone from Major Crimes was there, and a few guys from other departments. Blair had known whom to invite, of course. That was just who he was; he noticed things about people and remembered them. It didn't mean that he paid any special attention to Rafe's life.
Simon gave him a beautiful grey cable knit sweater, and Daryl's gift of a CD by 'N Sync had caused some laughter, especially when Daryl claimed that Rafe was "getting too old" and needed some help "keeping in touch with the younger generation." Rafe just smiled and was pleased because Daryl had remembered when Rafe had heard one of their songs over a store speaker and had liked it.
There had been a few gag gifts and a few more nice ones, but the gift Jim and Blair had given him tore at his heart. It was a silver picture frame, the kind that held several pictures in a montage, and they'd already filled it. Around the edges were pictures of several of his close friends, even a picture of his sister (which he wondered how they'd gotten, but he'd ask another time), but the central picture was one H had taken at the department ball game just three weeks before. Their team had just won, and they were congratulating each other, when H had called for them to look his way. As one, Jim, Blair, and Rafe had turned, their arms still around one another, with huge smiles on all three faces.
***
He looked at himself in the mirror again, that photo still etched in his brain where it had been all evening. He didn't know why, but he couldn't seem to push the pain away tonight. Every time he'd seen Jim and Blair together, it hurt. He wasn't jealous of what they had, god no! But he wanted so much to be a part of it. He thought of the smiles in the photo and wished they signified a deeper feeling than just friendship.
He used the facilities, washed his hands, and then washed his face, as if he could wash away any trace of what he was feeling. He took a deep breath to steel himself, and opened the door.
Most of the guests were heading home, in various stages of pulling on coats and crying out, "Happy birthday, Rafe!" as they walked out. He smiled and waved happily as they went, offering another thanks to each of them for helping him celebrate.
Simon was the last to leave and he scowled at Rafe as he pulled his coat on. "I don't want to see you in the office until Monday, Detective!" The captain smiled then and continued, "You did some good work this week, Rafe. Have a good weekend. You deserve it." He clapped Rafe on the back before heading out the door.
Rafe shut the door behind him and turned around to face into the loft, suddenly nervous for some reason. Jim was picking up trash from the living room and Blair was in the kitchen putting some leftovers in the fridge.
"This was great of you guys," Rafe began as he started to gather up his presents to carry out to his car. "I haven't had as nice a birthday in a long time."
There was a warm pressure on his wrist and he looked down to see Jim's hand gently directing him to put the things back on the table. "Your birthday isn't over yet, Brian," Jim said quietly.
Rafe didn't think Ellison had ever called him by his first name before and he knew he'd never heard that tone of voice directed at him before. It sent chills down his spine right into his groin and made him hope for impossible things.
He turned to look at Ellison, to ask what he meant, when their eyes met. Jim's were like burning ice. Sandburg stepped up next to him and said, "Jim and I had another present we wanted to give you...personally."
Confusion warred with hope and desire in his heart, and the mixture must have shown on his face, because Jim said, "If we were wrong, and you don't want this, just say so. No hard feelings."
Rafe couldn't speak, he could only watch as Jim's mouth descended slowly toward his own, giving him plenty of chance to back off. When their lips touched, Rafe groaned and opened his mouth to the kiss, welcoming Jim's tongue.
His arms went up around Jim's neck and he furrowed his fingers through the short hair on the back of his head. Jim began to unbutton Rafe's shirt without breaking the kiss, then Rafe felt hands on his back and realized Blair had moved behind him.
Blair's voice was lower than he was used to hearing. "You do want this, don't you, Brian? Want us? I've seen the way you look at Jim sometimes when he's not looking." Blair pulled Rafe's shirt from his waistband and then his hands were running up Rafe's back, warm and strong. "Jim's seen you looking at me. Why haven't you ever said anything?"
Jim finished with the buttons on Brian's shirt and lowered his head to suck on a nipple, and Rafe gasped. "Couldn't. Couldn't come...between you." Blair stroked his arms as he eased the shirt off, then kissed his back tenderly.
"You couldn't, Brian. That's not possible. But we can share." Rafe heard a hint of a smile in Blair's voice, then Blair kissed his shoulders again, and the back of his neck, his hands stroking up and down Brian's back, then down to squeeze his ass. Jim's hands were roaming down his front, closer, then Blair bit his shoulder, just at the base of his neck and he shuddered. Rafe pulled Jim up roughly and kissed his mouth again, reaching under his shirt to touch the smooth skin. His hands stroked down the tense back muscles to slip under Jim's waistband and pull them tightly together. He felt Jim's groin grind against his own, felt Jim's erection pressing against his through their clothing, and he couldn't control himself. This was Jim he was touching. This was Jim, hard for him, kissing him, and Blair touching him and oh god sucking on his neck and it was years of fantasies, only real now, too amazing, too much to process and he came, kissing Jim furiously and pulling his ass tight against him.
When he could think again, he realized Blair's arms were around him from behind, holding him tenderly, and Jim was cupping his face with his hands and smiling at him. Rafe blushed and started to speak, but Jim placed a finger gently on his lips. "No. Hush. It's all right. We've got all night, Brian. You're not going anywhere." What was it about the way Jim said his name that made that tingle up and down his spine? It felt so good...then Blair turned him around and pulled his head down for a kiss.
"Mmmmm. Maybe we should take this party upstairs?" Blair smiled and took his hand, leading him toward the loft stairs. Rafe felt almost like he was dreaming as he followed. This was too good, too good to be true.
His dazed state must have shown on his face because when they reached the top of the stairs, and Blair turned to him, his smile softened and he reached out his hand to stroke Rafe's cheek. "Hey, no, this is real, you know? We're here. This isn't a dream." And Blair knew just what he needed, what he wanted, because he just said, "Touch me?" and Rafe felt like he'd been given permission to breathe, he needed it so badly.
Rafe was surprised his hands didn't fumble as he took Blair's shirt off. He stopped for a moment to just look at the body he uncovered, then he ran his hands across Blair's shoulders, down his arms, stroking the firm muscles on his compact frame. Not skinny, not weak, Blair was strong, he'd known Blair was strong but now he could see, he could touch...his fingers brushed through the curls on his chest and - what was that? He discovered Blair's nipple ring and he played with it just a bit, just touching it, tugging on it slightly, and Blair groaned.
"Oh, yeah, Brian. Touch me!"
Rafe smiled and leaned over to suck and nibble on Blair's neck, as his hands continued their journey of discovery. He stayed at Blair's nipples for just a minute, pinching lightly and rubbing, before stroking down across his abs to reach his waistband. He hesitated, his hands and mouth stilling before Blair reached down and pulled him into another kiss, their tongues touching and tasting until they were both gasping.
"Don't stop. Don't stop there," he said and Rafe unbuttoned Blair's jeans and pulled them down over his hips. Blair took a step backwards and lay down on the bed as Rafe pulled his jeans the rest of the way off. When had he taken his shoes off? Rafe didn't know, didn't care, as he looked at Blair lying on the bed, naked and glorious. He couldn't pull his eyes away, just looking at him, at his body, hard and waiting for him, as Rafe hurriedly removed his own shoes and pants. Then he lay down next to the gorgeous man on the bed, hardly believing what was happening. He felt an overwhelming urge to taste, so he did, sucking and licking first at Blair's nipple, then down across his stomach. Blair gasped when he sucked at the hollow of his hip, then he trailed his tongue toward his shaft. "Oh yeah. God, Brian!" he shouted as Rafe licked up the length of Blair's shaft and took his head into his mouth. His tongue swirled around it and then flicked across the tip, tasting Blair's flavor before sucking in earnest. Blair groaned again and an answering groan from the top of the stairs caught Rafe's attention and he lifted his head.
Jim stood there, staring hungrily at the two of them. "Don't stop on my account," he whispered, but Blair shook his head and sat up, holding his arms out for his lover.
"Come on, come here, you have too many clothes on, Jim," Blair said, reaching for him, and Rafe could only watch as Blair slowly stripped and kissed every inch of the man. Blair was right, he could never come between this, this was special and precious and he felt...honoured that they would allow him to be a part of it, even if only for one night.
Jim stepped back from Blair's kisses for just a moment to pick up the tupperware container he'd put down at the top of the stairs. A questioning look from his lover and Jim answered, "The frosting...that you made for Rafe's cake. I thought the birthday boy might enjoy it."
Blair's eyes lit up as he turned back toward Rafe. "Butterscotch Brian. I like the sound of that." Blair pushed him gently back down on the bed, then kissed him thoroughly as Jim joined them on the bed, straddling Brian's hips. A soft pop as he opened the container, then smooth, creamy coolness across his nipples and down his stomach, followed by a warm tongue following the trail back up, licking up the frosting completely. Their groins met as Jim moved deliberately against him, burning fire up his spine as their cocks rubbed together.
He gasped for breath and Blair released his mouth and moved behind Jim, kissing and touching his back and murmuring loving sounds. Jim continued licking up the frosting, up his stomach and onto his chest, reaching a nipple and sucking it until it was hard before going over to the other, cleaning off the frosting as he went.
Blair leaned over and reached into the nightstand by Rafe's head. When Rafe saw that it was a small bottle of Astroglide, he felt a flush running through him. He struggled to sit up so he could see what was going on. This was a wonderful gift and he didn't want to miss a moment in case it never happened again. He wanted to remember everything.
Jim's mouth moved like liquid fire down from his nipples to wrap around his cock, and he had a free view. He watched as Blair covered his fingers in lube and slowly eased one inside Jim's ass. Jim groaned and the sensation vibrated around his cock. Rafe couldn't see when Blair went to two fingers or three, but he felt Jim's response each time. He watched as Blair's other hand stroked his own penis, lubricating his shaft and Rafe closed his eyes, desperately controlling himself.
He felt Jim's mouth stiffen and his hand tighten on the base of his cock for a moment as Blair slid in, then a rhythm was established, a gentle rocking, sucking pressure on his cock. He ran his fingers through Jim's hair as they moved together, the three of them connected as he'd dreamed so many times. God, if he was dreaming now, he didn't want to wake up! Not yet!
The rhythm increased, pants and moans growing louder in the quiet loft, until Rafe felt a pressure at his opening. He relaxed and let Jim's finger slip in and it was wonderful and too much and he came into Jim's mouth, Jim swallowing and sucking like a kid with his favorite flavor of popsicle.
He opened his eyes in time to see Jim thrust back against Blair and come, crying Blair's name, over the hand clenched firmly around his cock. Blair's eyes were closed tightly in orgasm himself as he bit on his lip to keep from screaming.
They were so beautiful, so right, this was perfect. The two of them were one and he basked in the beauty of being able to share that for a short time.
The next thing Rafe knew, Blair was snuggled up against him and Jim was washing him gently with a warm rag. That job finished, he climbed into the bed with them, curling around Rafe and whispering, "Happy birthday," quietly in his ear.
Brian drifted in his happy glow and whispered, "I love you," just before sleep claimed him. He was too quiet for either of them to hear, he was sure, though Jim shifted restlessly in his sleep.