|
Disclaimer: Pet Fly and Paramount own the copyright to The Sentinel and its characters. This piece of fan fiction was written solely for the love of the characters and to share freely with other fans. No profit is being made from the posting of this story.
Rating: PG Summary: Blair is about to give up hope. |
|
What do you do when you have no hope anymore? Do you fake it, thinking that maybe, if you pretend long enough, you'll convince yourself there is hope, that there is something worthwhile going on for? What do you do when the person you want, and need, and love more than life itself, doesn't want, need or love you anymore -- if he ever did? God, I wish I had some answers! Can I leave him? Leave behind this home, this... world we've created. Could I move out? No. Even though staying is killing me slowly, the thought of leaving him, never being even this close to him, leaves me cold, as if I know it would destroy my soul. The thought of leaving him is more painful than staying here. But putting on this front all the while... knowing that if I said anything, he'd shut down and, sooner or later, he'd ask me to move... it's like a creeping death. Sooner or later, something is going to break, and I dread that it'll be me, or worst, him.
I wish I could say want he wants me to. Oh, I know what he wants, what he needs. I know because I want that too. God, how much I want him! He thinks I don't need him. The truth is I need him too much. He gave up his whole fucking life for me and what have I to offer in return? I can't say the words, can't show him how much I love him. I've failed so very many times before. My relationships are total disaster areas. I can't afford to lose him, I just can't. But I'm scared shitless that I'll screw up again. I watch him, when he thinks I'm not watching him. This limbo, this status quo, is killing his energy, his fire, his light. It can't go on. Before too long, he will leave, he'll have to, because, without meaning to, I am driving him away. This situation between us is killing him. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Come on, Ellison, take that bull by the horns and tell him. "Blair?" His heart leaps when I say his name and I smile to try and reassure him, thankful that he's not the sentinel as my own heart is jumping. "We need to talk...."
~fin~ |
