I look down on the trace lab from my office. I can sit up here for hours watching him - wanting him. My heart hurts knowing I've hurt him. He looks up at me with soulful brown eyes and it takes everything in me to turn away. I'm doing it for him - doesn't he see that? I'll just hurt him more in the end. I'm too intense, I want too much from my partners, they always leave tainted by me. I can't be his addiction. I won't destroy him like the others.

The case is rough on him I can tell. I watch without being seen. I see the tears in his eyes as he reads the journal. He gives me a brief overview - a broken heart. My own heart contracts from the look in his eyes. I turn and walk away.

He hasn't said anything for which I'm thankful. He's professional and hasn't let it affect his work. I look back down at the lab; it's the only way I can watch him freely. He looks tired and thinner than the last time I saw him, the night I threw him out, several months ago. I turn back to my paper work. Alexx, Calleigh and even Eric have come to me concerned about him. I tell them his work is fine, that I don't have time to deal with Speed's personal issues. I honestly thought one of them was going to hit me. I can't blame them.

A noise alerts me to someone in my office. I am a bit surprised that I didn't hear him come in, but then again sleep has eluded me these past weeks. He stands there holding out a file folder. I reach up to take it when something catches my eye.

The cuffs on his shirt are undone and they fall open to reveal the hidden secret. I can see the fresh bandages; see the blood stains on the starched white gauze. I grab his wrist as I stand.

"What the hell is this?" I pull back the sleeve.

He looks at me. "My punishment."

"For what?" I demand scared out of my mind that Speed is going down this path.

"For hurting you." His voice is quiet. "For doing something so awful that you can't even look at me."

His words floor me. "Speed..." I say his name on a sob.

"Please, Horatio. Just let it go. I was just fine before you took me to your bed and I'll be just fine now that you've grown tired of me." And with that he walks out of my office.

A few days later we get a really...odd...case. A porn star killed by a frat boy who couldn't get it up with his girlfriend anymore.

When I see him talking to the friend of the victim I just snap. If he isn't in my bed then he sure as hell isn't going to be getting into hers.

"Speedle!" I bellow at him as soon as the elevator doors close on the little slut. "My office, now!" My tone leaves no room for argument and I turn on my heel, fully expecting him to follow.

"What is it Horatio?" I'm no longer 'H' with him. Every time he has to say my name it's 'Horatio' and it's killing me.

"What the hell were you just doing, talking to a potential witness? You do realize you could have jeopardized the whole case?" I can't seem to keep from talking to him like he's two, instead of over 30 and a level III CSI.

"Yeah, Horatio. I know. I was..."

"If I find out that you've gone out with her, I'll have your badge," I talk over him. He still belongs to me. No one else. Just me. Yeah I know it's hypocritical of me, but I just can't seem to care. I can't have him and therefore no one else can either. "If you can't keep it in your pants, then maybe you should take a vacation. I was recently informed you haven't taken one since you've been here. You have six weeks. Starting tomorrow. That's an order."

"You want my badge that badly, you son of a bitch? Here. Here's my badge," the soft voice is worse than if he was yelling.

As he turns to walk out something hits me in the chest. I catch it instinctively and know as soon as it hits my hand that it's his badge. I can't believe he just quit.

"Tim!" I call after him as I hurry to catch up, but he's too fast for me. I hit the parking lot just as he kick starts his Ducati. I barely have time to get in the Hummer before he's out of sight. I follow him for a while, until I lose him in the late afternoon traffic.

"Damnit!" I yell as I hit the steering wheel with the palm of my hand and turn around to head back to the PD. I need to reevaluate this.