"Horatio? Please talk to me. Don't shut me out," he pleads as I stalk to the bathroom.

"I'll thank you to lock the door on your way out," I dismiss him as I refrain from slamming the door. Just barely. I can hear muffled noises. Sobs? I can't stand to hear the pain I've caused him, so I walk over to the sink, where just thirty minutes ago I fucked his brains out, and turn on the tap in order to drown him out.

Twenty minutes later, I leave the bathroom and strip the sheets from the bed. I can't decide whether or not to throw them away, so I just stash them in the back of the closet to deal with later. Maybe when I'm not hurting so much myself. How am I going to work beside him every day, knowing the pain I've caused him with my words and actions? And how can I work with him when my own pain threatens to eviscerate me? No one has ever been as close to me as Timothy Speedle.

As I remake the bed, my cell phone rings.

Tim's been gone for almost an hour now.

I know instinctively that it's him.

I curse the passive aggressive part of me that wants him to leave a voice message. I'm going to need something to listen to on the long, cold, lonely nights that will make up the rest of my life. Several minutes later, my phone beeps to let me know he's finished leaving his message. I force myself to wait several more agonizing minutes before listening to it.

My hands shake as I pick up the phone to listen to the last words I'm ever going to receive from him.

"H," he clears his throat. I can tell he's trying to keep from crying and I'm struck by the wave of guilt that sweeps through me for the pain I've caused him. "I haven't slept in close to twenty-four hours. I doubt I'm going to get any sleep in what remains of the night. I'm taking a personal day, because I won't be able to do my job, the shape I'm in now. I'm not avoiding you. Really I'm not. I just don't think I will be able to concentrate on the job." He pauses and just when I think he's done and is about to hang up, he continues, "Whatever I did to make you angry, I'm sorry." The words are the barest of whispers. I hardly hear them before he sighs, "I still love you, Horatio." Then he hangs up.

I shut my phone with a snap and collapse on the bed, my body shaking with my heartrending sobs. I've just destroyed the best thing that ever happened to me.

All because he was honest about his addiction. To me.

I knew that I should never have started this relationship in the first place. My needs are so far beyond what a normal man would ask of a lover. And so twisted, spawned by the darkness we both work against. How the hell could I confess them to someone as basically innocent as Tim? But, for just a little while, I was stupid enough to hope he could be the one I need. And God help me, he is the one I need. But I have no idea how to ask him for what I want from him.

I think about Tim, his sweetness, the pain he's been through in his own life, and I curse the fate that brought him to me, and made him unable to cope with my addiction. One there is no treatment for, except the touch of a lover who can see beyond, to the reason for it.

Somehow I manage to fall asleep and I feel even worse when I wake up to my alarm. It's another day. The first without Tim. If I'd just kept my hands off him I wouldn't now know what I'm losing and will spend the rest of my days missing.

It's a good thing that people are used to seeing me wear my sunglasses inside. God knows why they don't think I'm a junkie. I'm hiding behind them because I'm just not ready to try and come up with an explanation for my red and swollen eyes. And I can't seem to find the energy to care.

"Horatio."

"Yelina," I turn to face my sister-in-law.

"What's wrong, Horatio?" she asks intently, not letting me off so easily. So much for no one noticing…

"Nothing. Why?" Keep it casual, keep it calm. But I know the snippiness is in my voice.

"You just seem... distracted... today."

Yeah. And every other day since I first took Tim to my bed.

"Are you sure nothing's wrong?" The worry in her voice adds weight to the guilt I already carry.

"Nothing's wrong, Yelina. Just haven't been sleeping well, is all." Which is so true. How anyone can even think of sleeping when they have Tim Speedle in their bed is beyond me. Of course, now that he is no longer in my bed, I will not be sleeping for a completely different reason. But she doesn't need to know that. "Is there something I can do for you?" I ask hoping she'll drop the subject.

"Yes. Ray Jr. wants you to come to lunch on Sunday. He misses you." I haven't been to Sunday dinner since I first took Tim to my bed. "You can bring Speed if you want."

I blink.

Did I just miss something? "Why would I bring Speed to Sunday dinner with the family?"

"Aren't you and he...?" she blushes slightly.

"Aren't he and I... what?" This is getting embarrassing. Am I really that transparent?

"A couple? I could have sworn the two of you were dating. You seem awfully protective of him lately."

"No, we are not a couple. I'm protective of all my CSI's."

"Yes, you are. But, it's...I don't know...different with Speed. Reminds me of how Raymond was with me."

"I can assure you that Tim Speedle and I are not seeing each other." It's the truth. We aren't. Not anymore.

"That's too bad. The two of you would make such a cute couple. He's good for you, even if the two of you are just friends."

I don't think we're even that anymore. The thought nearly breaks me where I stand.

"He really grounds you, doesn't he? Makes you open your heart again?"

"Hm," I reply noncommittally. I refuse to continue to discuss Tim Speedle and our relationship, or lack thereof, with her. "I'll be there. Sunday. Noon?"

"Make it nine and attend Mass with us?" She asks as she takes my hand in hers.

"You know the church and I don't get along. I'll see the two of you at noon. Your place?" I reply as I gently remove my hand from her grip.

"Of course," she replies with a small smile. I know she's trying to figure out how much of the truth I really told her just now about Tim. And then it hits me.

If she thinks Tim and I are together, then Alexx...? What in God's name does she think?

"I have to go," I say as I start to back away towards my office.

I manage to make it to my glassed in office without running into anyone else.

I'm hoping Tim hasn't, and won't, call Alexx about this. I really do not want to have to deal with an irate M.E. If people think I'm protective of Tim Speedle, then they don't know Alexx Woods. You would think he was her flesh and blood son, the way she coddles him. I heard she adopted him the moment she first laid eyes on him. You don't ever want to see her coming at you after you've hurt her precious Timmy.

"Horatio," I jump a foot in the air at the sound of her voice. Speak of the devil...

"Alexx. What... what are you doing here?" I stutter. Just shows how distracted I am. I don't usually allow someone to see how they've affected me. The speech impediment I suffered from as a kid rears its misshapen head in this least of all desirable places.

"I was wondering if you've seen Tim?" she asks as she approaches where I'm slumped against my door.

"No I haven't." Not since last night, when I threw him out. "Why?"

"He's not answering his phone. Eric says he's got a lead on the case they're working on."

"He called me this morning and said he's taking a personal day." Bad move. Telling her that. Tim never takes time off. Not unless he's dying.

"Why?" She knows him better than anyone, himself included.

"Don't know," I reply as I step around her to walk to my desk. "I didn't speak with him. I was in the shower; he left a message."

I swallow hard on the word 'shower'. Just thinking about him hurts. One of the last times he was in this office, I fucked his brains out on my desk.

His parents had been visiting and I gave him the weekend off. Three whole days and nights without him.

I thought I was going to die.

He did call each night after his parents had fallen asleep. We had some great phone sex. But that wasn't enough, as evidenced by how roughly I took him when I saw him again.

His parents took an early flight back to New York and he came waltzing into the lab at his usual time, looking for all the world like a Celtic god. The boy just oozed sex that day. Green is definitely his color.

Dark emerald green.



I was looking down into the lab when he glanced up. Our eyes met and in seconds he was at my door. Closing it. Locking it.

"Close the blinds, H," he growled. "I can't wait."

"Neither can I," I was one-step ahead of him. I then proceeded to rip his clothes from his body. I accidentally tore his shirt in the process.

"Damn, H. Slow down," he protested. "My folks haven't even left Miami International, yet!"

"No," I groaned. "I need you now."

He just chuckled and finished undressing me. Once we were naked I made room on the edge of my desk for him to sit.

"This won't be gentle, or slow," I told him as he pulled himself up onto the desk and spread his legs for me.

"God I hope not. I need it hard and I need it fast. I'm ready for you, you bastard. Take me," he snarled.

And he was. He'd even prepped himself before coming into work.

God, just knowing that he'd done this, hoping that I'd want him so much I wouldn't be able to wait, almost pushed me over the edge.

"Damn, baby. Do you have any idea what you do to me?" I asked him as I moved to stand between his wide spread legs.

His eyes, and his smirk, said he did.

The sex was fast and hard. We'd both been without for too long for it to be anything else.



"Horatio?" Alexx's tone suggests she's said it several times.

"Hm? Oh, Alexx. Did you say something?" I ask as I'm pulled from my musings on the joys of sex with Timothy Speedle.

"Yes. I asked if I could hear his message. I may be able to figure out what's up. Sometimes it's more in how he says something than in what he says." She holds out her hand, fully expecting me to hand over my phone. Not bloody likely.

"I already erased it."

Lie.

I can't let her know. I feel bad enough as it is.

"What have you done to that boy, Horatio Caine?" she demands grimly. Eyes narrowing on my face.

I did say that she's a force to reckon with when it comes to Tim, didn't I?

"Nothing," I have to clear my throat several times. "He just said he needed a day to get some stuff done."

She doesn't say anything right away. Which makes it worse when she does.

"You broke his heart, didn't you?" her eyes narrow even more and I really feel for her kids. I hope they never have to look her in the eye and lie the way I am, now.

I tense as she steps closer. "I really don't know what you're talking about." She reminds me of a mother bear protecting her cub. I didn't mean to provoke her maternal instincts where Tim is concerned. I am trying to protect myself. Tim is someone I can so easily drown in. Get lost in. I can't afford to have that weakness. My enemies would not hesitate to use him against me if they were to ever find out how much he means to me.

"Don't lie to me Horatio Caine. I know the two of you have been sleeping together for the past three weeks. He couldn't sit down when he came to brunch last month. And he couldn't keep the shit eating grin off his face, either. I know my boy's in love."

Her glare is getting darker by the minute.

I cave in to the maternal pressure. "Alright. We were...having sex. But that's all it was. It's over now. And he's better off without me."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Her tone says 'dumb ass', but she's too much of a lady to say it to my face. "I know you're not that big an idiot. You're just what that boy needs in his life and he's the same for you. Dumb ass."

Guess I was wrong about her being too much of a lady to say it.

"Now tell me what happened."

"Alexx, please. Just drop it. It's over, and it's best for all involved if he just moves on."

"Best for all involved? What the hell kind of crap is that?" She gets right in my face. I am becoming even more afraid for my personal safety. Not that she'd seriously hurt me, but she can very well make it difficult to walk normally for a while.

"How is he supposed to 'move on' while working here with you every day? Are you going to fire him?"

"Of course not!" I can't believe she even thinks that. "I'd never do that. I'm the one who broke it off."

She eyes me coldly, and I wonder if she heard me. "Alexx?"

Finally she answers. "Yeah. I got that. He's been in love with you longer than either one of you thinks and you're not the type to resort to sexual harassment to get what you want. I want to know how this is going to play out, Horatio." She taps her foot. She has her arms crossed over her chest and is giving me 'The Look'. I had better give her the answer she wants.

"I don't know," I say with a sigh. And that's the first completely true thing I've said all morning.