Series: Moments Sacred and Profane

Title: MSP13: To Dance at the Edge

Author: Mice

Email: just_us_mice@yahoo.com

Category: Stargate: Atlantis, McKay/Beckett

Warnings: slash, angst, a wee bit of terror

Spoilers: Sanctuary, Before I Sleep, The Brotherhood

Rating: R

Summary: Carson continues to unravel as he's pushed to his limits.

Archive: If it's on your list, you can archive it. If it isn't and you'd like it, just let me know where you're putting it.

Feedback: Feed me, Seymour.

Website: Mice's Hole in the Wall https://www.squidge.org/mice

Mirror: http://mice.inkpress.org

Disclaimer: Not mine. They belong to many other people. But if they were mine, they'd be having very interesting adventures.

Author's Notes: In this story, I've tweaked the Brotherhood timeline slightly. Instead of two weeks, Atlantis has three before the events of The Siege 1 & 2. This is because I want to tuck another story between Brotherhood and Letters that will take about four days of story time. As always, worship and thanks to Abylity for her amazingly godlike beta skills and her incredible patience. With gratitude to Gila for kibitzing and those thoughts of Carson in boxers... um... we won't go there. Thanks to Lucia Tanaka for locating a transcript of The Brotherhood for me when I really needed it in a pinch.

~~~

Thug sinn 'n oidhche raoir fo uabhas

An taigh-caoich nan daoine buaireant';

Thug mi 'n oidhche raoir fo uabhas,

Cha bhi mise buan mar tha mi.

We spent last night in horror

In a madhouse of provocateurs;

I spent last night in horror,

I won't survive too long like this.

~~Angus Campbell, from The Old Men's Night-Watch~~

Rodney had watched it all going down over the past few weeks. He'd been offworld several times. None of it had netted much beyond a little more food and the obnoxious acquaintance of a pointlessly deceptive Ancient. They'd found an alternate-timeline Elizabeth Weir in deep freeze who told them a hair-raising story about their noble but ultimately useless drowning deaths before she'd died. Rodney had teased Sheppard about it and been teased in return, but it was still extremely unsettling.

Carson had been fraying around the edges more and more, the stresses taking their toll since the nanovirus incident. Rodney worried, but aside from keeping a closer eye on his lover he really didn't know what to do.

He found himself spending a little more time with Osbourne and Zelenka, which was a rather pleasant change from his usual routine of work, eat, work, eat, work some more, maybe catch a nap, work, eat, work... Carson fit in there, certainly. Mostly with the eating and the catching a nap parts.

Things were getting desperate everywhere. The Wraith were culling more and more planets, their Hiveships converging and moving toward Atlantis. It was only a matter of time, and none of them knew how much.

He sighed and turned his attention back to the huge fucking hole in the ground they'd been digging. It was another piece to the puzzle that might just lead them to a fully loaded ZedPM.

***

Carson rolled over in bed, desperately missing Rodney. He'd been gone for two days now, looking for a ZedPM on some godforsaken planet in the middle of nowhere. From Rodney's reports, it was distinctly Renaissance level in technology, though attitudes were slightly more enlightened. Rodney had mentioned working with a couple of women who were historians or something. He'd complained about being filthy and digging holes and wishing he were home again.

Home -- with Carson. At least knowing that made the quiet and loneliness a wee bit more bearable. He looked over at the clock, knowing it was far too late, or too early, depending on your attitude. He closed his eyes, rubbing them. He still allegedly had a few more hours before he had to be up and his sleep had been awful lately. He should try to rest.

He wished Rodney were with him. They didn't sleep together every night by any means, but he'd gotten used to it. He missed Rodney's warmth in the night, the arms about him, waking to someone he cared for. He even missed Rodney's snoring. It had become something of a reassuring sound in the still-creepy silence of night in Atlantis.

His nightmares had been growing progressively worse since Rodney'd almost died. Kate had talked with him about it in their sessions but there was so much piling up between injuries on missions, further lessons in piloting the Jumpers, and all the work he had to do with tissue and genetic samples after Gall and Abrams' deaths.

He'd been reading up on nanotechnology as well, not wanting to be caught again with his trousers about his knees. He hadn't said anything to Rodney about it, but he'd been asking Radek for help. Zelenka was bloody brilliant, no matter that Rodney was usually dismissing him along with everyone else. The theoretical material wasn't entirely beyond his grasp, and he was starting to understand what had been happening rather better.

Carson's nights had been spent more in reading and restlessness than sleep in the past two weeks. When Rodney wasn't with him he barely slept at all. Sighing, he sat up and leaned back against the wall. It was hopeless.

***

Radek Zelenka was a man of many talents, most of them under-appreciated. Right now, he was using his "concerned friend" talent at an all too ridiculous hour of the night. He'd awakened to find Carson knocking at the door and got up without waking Geoff.

Athosian tea in hand, he'd had Carson sit and the man had started talking. Radek could understand Beckett's fears, very genuinely. He just wished his friend had better timing.

"So you are saying that the nightmares get worse, yes?" He finally had his eyes pried open wide enough to see clearly. At first he'd thought the blur was that his glasses were dirty, but wiping them on his robe hadn't helped.

Carson sighed, looking worse than Radek felt. "Aye. Nothing I do seems to help. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your getting up to talk with me, Radek. I just... I couldn't get back to sleep to save my life."

They sat on the couch, close together, and Radek put an arm around Carson's shoulder. "If it is partly a matter of being alone, you can stay on the couch here for the rest of the night," he offered. Geoff wouldn't mind, he knew. They both liked Carson, cared about him. Having their Chief Medical Officer in sleep deprivation wouldn't be good for anyone, either.

"I... well, aye, that might help," Carson admitted. "I'm so sorry to wake you." Guilt flashed in his eyes and Radek rubbed Carson's back.

"You are my friend, Carson. For you, I don't mind so much the waking up at this hour. I don't like to see you like this. It's good to help. Please, sleep here. I'll get a blanket for you."

Carson hesitated then nodded, obviously both exhausted and lonely. Radek went into the bedroom for a couple of spare blankets and a pillow.

"Hmm?" Geoff peered up at him, squinting a bit against the very dim light.

"Is Carson," Radek said. "He's not sleeping. The nightmares are getting worse. I told him he can stay on the couch the rest of the night."

Geoff moaned and sat up. "Is he okay?" He looked at the clock. "Not that much of the night left."

"I don't know," Radek said, pulling the blankets and pillow from the closet. "He seems very... unsettled."

Geoff nodded, getting up and putting his own robe on. "I'll talk with him too."

"Yes, yes, I'll get you some tea, mil·cku. Let me give these to Carson." He went back into the living room, Geoff at his heels.

"Carson," Geoff said, trying desperately not to yawn. "How are you?"

"Not so good," Carson said softly. Radek put the blankets and pillow down on one of the chairs, and he and Geoff sat on either side of Carson.

Geoff put an arm around Carson's shoulders. "Radek says you're still having nightmares."

"Aye," Carson said, sighing. "This time... oh god, I keep seeing the fire and Rodney not able to breathe."

Geoff nodded. "It's okay. He'll be home in a few days. You know he's fine."

Radek put an arm around Carson as well. "His last report said they were making good progress. Don't worry."

"I don't know that he's fine," Carson said. "You know how easy he gets in trouble. The next thing you know, they could be running back through the Gate again, all shot up."

Geoff looked at Radek. Radek nodded; he'd forgotten the tea he'd promised Geoff. He rose and got some for him. "These people don't have guns, Carson. He can't come back shot up," Geoff said.

Carson frowned. "Oh, but Rodney'll find some way. Arrows maybe. Spears. Fishing hooks."

Geoff chuckled. "Come on, he's not that bad." Radek handed Geoff the tea. "Thanks, babe." They shared a brief kiss and Radek sat again.

"Carson, you worry too much. Have you considered some kind of sleeping pill?" Radek asked.

"I have, but I don't want to use them too often. It's not good to do that." He closed his eyes and Radek put an arm around his waist. He and Geoff held Carson between them, all of them half asleep.

Radek woke to the distant sound of his alarm going off. It took him a moment to remember he wasn't in bed. With a start, he realized all three of them had fallen asleep sitting on the couch, and he was half-buried under Carson's warm bulk.

Shifting, he tried to get Carson off him, but Carson was pinned by Geoff's sleeping form.

"Zatracene," he muttered. He elbowed Carson. "Carson, Geoff. Wake up." The alarm continued to blare in the bedroom. "Is morning already. Wake up."

"G'way..." Geoff muttered. He waved a hand as though brushing away an insect. Carson didn't even stir. That made sense if he hadn't been sleeping, Radek thought. It was, however, extremely annoying. He had to piss, and badly.

"WAKE UP!" Radek bellowed. His bladder was not going to allow him to be gentle. Both of the others bolted upright with sounds of confusion and startlement. "That's better." He hopped up and hurried off to relieve himself.

When he got back, Geoff had turned off the alarm and started tea. Carson was sitting on the couch looking mildly shell-shocked. He was rubbing his neck and mumbling to himself.

"Are you all right?" Radek asked.

"Got a wee bit of a crick in my neck," Carson said, cringing as he tried to look up.

"Sorry about that," Geoff said. He handed Carson a cup of tea.

"I'm sorry to intrude on you lads like that last night." Carson took the tea and sipped it, a look of gratitude on his face.

"Is not a problem," Radek said. "Just, next time, I think you should sleep by yourself on the couch. My shoulder aches. I make a lousy pillow."

Geoff leered at him. "I disagree. You make a spectacular pillow."

"Not when we're sprawled like dogs in a pile, I don't," Radek objected.

"I should be going," Carson said. "I need to get a shower and some clean clothes before I go to work."

Radek nodded. "All right. Take the cup with you. You can bring it back later."

"See you at lunch maybe?" Geoff asked.

"Aye, probably," Carson said. "Thanks for the tea." He hurried out, taking the cup with him.

"I'm worried about him," Geoff said.

Radek nodded. "I am also. If Rodney is not back today, we should have him come over tonight. He can sleep on the couch for real, not like last night. This way he won't be wandering over after two a.m."

"Sounds like a plan."

***

Carson was grateful to Osbourne and Zelenka for their kindness, taking him in when he was in a bad way. He hated that he'd felt so out of sorts that he'd needed to call on them, but the nightmares truly were worse without Rodney in the city. Not being able to see him left Carson with an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach.

Not long after his day began, Bren Henderson helped Erin Siwicki into the infirmary. She was bleeding and barely able to walk.

"What happened?" he asked as Bren laid her on an exam table.

Erin was pale and panting with tears of pain on her face. "Fell..." she said.

"Off a ladder," Bren added. "She was working with some of the archaeologists in a storage room and landed on the corner of a crate. Nothing broken, I don't think, but it opened her up good."

"Did she hit her head on anything when she fell?"

"No," Erin said. "Just--" she hissed in pain, "just the leg."

He and Chandrapurna worked quickly, cutting open the leg of her trousers to get a look at the wound. "Bren, luv, would you wait in the waiting area? We need some room to work here."

Henderson nodded and gave Erin's hand a last squeeze before she hurried out. Erin just kept muttering "fuckfuckfuckow" under her breath as they worked on her. Shel got an I.V. going, as Erin was getting shocky.

"Dead yet?" Erin asked through gritted teeth as Shel took her pulse and blood pressure.

"No, lass. Not yet." He chuckled. The damage wasn't as bad as the amount of blood had suggested, but she had a nasty gash. "You'll need some stitches and to stay off it for a while though." He called for a local and some pain meds, and Erin whimpered a little at the whole procedure.

"It's all right," Anand said to her. "This will not take very long. Perhaps it will require twenty stitches."

"I don't suppose you could just... glue it..." she asked. "Something -- anything. Needle-phobic here."

Carson patted her wrist. "It's not so bad. The I.V.'s already in. You're gettin' a wee bit shocky and we need to make sure you'll be all right."

"Shocky," she muttered. "Spocky. Hocky. Pocky..."

"Come on, stay with us," Carson said. It wasn't unusual for people going into shock to be a little disjointed and spacey. "Allergic to penicillin," she muttered. "Aspirin too."

"No need to worry," Anand said. "We know everyone's allergies here." It was true. There were few enough people in the city that Carson and the other doctors pretty much had that information by heart. It was so different than when he'd worked in Glasgow before he'd gone into genetic research.

She started to panic a little before they got to work on the stitching, but a mild sedative helped with that. Erin was in tears, mostly from fear, by the time they were done. Shel held her hand as Carson stitched her up, talking quietly with her and trying to distract her.

"All right then," he said as he put in the last stitch. "You're done, mo ch‡raid. It's all over now. We'll get you cleaned up and tucked into a bed here shortly, and then Petty Officer Henderson can come in and see you."

Erin nodded, sniffling. "Okay," she said. "Can... can you have her tell T-Tanya what happened?"

"Tanya Jones?" Carson asked. Jones was one of the Air Force women, and a part of the Thursday Night Crew. Erin nodded, closing her eyes and gritting her teeth.

"Still hurts," she muttered. "Really really hurts."

"I'm sorry luv," Carson said. "We'll get you some more pain medication and I'll tell Bren you asked for that."

He left Shel and Anand to deal with the situation and went to scrub up. When he was done, he checked the notes in Erin's record. Taking along a cup of coffee, he went in to see her. Sgt. Jones had already arrived and was sitting with Erin. Henderson had gone back to work.

He watched for a few moments as the two talked.

"...clumsy," Jones was saying. "I knew you were a klutz."

"Wasn't my fault," Erin insisted. "Terr lost his balance and fell against the ladder. He fell. I mean, it wasn't my fault, really." Obviously, the pain medication was taking its toll on her coherence. "He didn't fall over, but the ladder... um... well I didn't see him and wasn't actually holding on to anything and *wham.*" She cringed.

"Okay, so you weren't a klutz." Jones shook her head.

"So how's my favorite patient?" Carson asked.

"Thought that was Rodney," Erin muttered.

Carson chuckled. "Oh, no. Not Rodney. He's a lousy patient, take my word for it."

"He'd have to be," Jones said. "He can be one mean son of a bitch."

"Hey," Erin objected, just before Carson could. "He's okay. He's funny as hell."

"If you don't mind getting your nose taken off as part of the humor." Jones said, her tone a bit sour. "I don't like him much. No offense, Doc." She looked over at Carson.

Carson shrugged. "A lot of people don't," he agreed. "He can be a bit harsh."

"That's like saying the sea's a bit salt." Jones shook her head.

Erin held up a hand. "I like him just fine, Tanya. He's kinda cute."

That surprised Carson a bit. Jones' eyes widened. "God," she said, "you're kidding, right? It's just the drugs."

Erin giggled. "No, no. Not the drugs. You know I do guys too. I'd do him."

"Erin, lass, I think you're a wee bit more effected than you realize." Now that was definitely a bit more than Carson had ever suspected of the woman.

"That's why Fran and Lin Yao and Peri won't have me, you know," Erin continued, oblivious. "I've willingly defiled myself with penii. My lesbianity is not pure."

Carson barely managed to restrain a snort of laughter. Jones just grinned and shook her head. "I don't mind, Erin. Though really, the Doc's right. I think you've had a bit too much of a dip at the painkiller trough."

"Still hurts," Erin insisted. "Definitely definitely hurts. I have a huge fucking hole in my leg and it hurts."

"You'll be fine Erin," Carson said. "And you don't need any more painkillers, I assure you."

"Don't like pills," she said. "Weed, sure. Pills... not so much. Pills are nasty. Speedy things, you know?"

"Oh, god is she stoned," Jones said, giggling. "This could be fun."

Carson shook his head. "Oh, don't be taking advantage of the poor woman when she's like this."

"It's the best time to take advantage of somebody," Jones insisted. "Especially if they forget. Great blackmail material." She grinned evilly.

"No blackmail material," Erin said. "That was all Joe's thing. Stupid bastard. Fucking shrink."

Carson raised an eyebrow at that. "Who's Joe?" They didn't have anyone in the psych department named Joe.

"Ex... um... ex-boyfriend. Bastard. My old shrink back home. Fucked me over bigtime. I don't wanna talk about him though. I'd rather talk about... well... anything. Radek maybe. He's cute too. I'd do him. I did him."

"I think maybe you should try to get some sleep, Erin. It might be better for you," Carson said.

She looked him in the eye. "Not tired, Carson. I'm not. I'm here, really. I know what I'm doing. Right, Tanya? I know what I'm doing."

"Sure, Erin," Jones said. She patted Erin's arm. "I think the Doc's right. Maybe you should try to get some rest. The pain must be taking a lot out of you."

"No," Erin said. "I want to stay awake." It looked like she was fighting to stay that way, too. Her eyelids kept sagging a bit then popped open as she spoke.

"I think she'll fall asleep if we leave her be," Carson said softly to Jones. "We should go."

"We're gonna go now, Erin. I'll be by after work to see you, okay?" Jones stroked her hand through Erin's short brown hair. Erin protested, but she was half asleep by the time they left.

"So when did you two start seeing each other?" Carson asked.

"Couple of weeks ago," Jones said. "It's casual. It's not like the lesbian population on Atlantis is a blip on the radar. Outside of the Triad, we're it."

"Really?" Carson asked. "Nobody who doesn't come to Thursdays?"

Jones shook her head. "Not that either of us have found. I like Erin okay. We're just friends having a good time, mostly. I'm glad Bren let me know she was hurt. I'd have been worried otherwise."

Carson nodded. "Aye, I understand. It can be rough in circumstances like this."

"You'd think there would be more lesbians and bi women around," Jones said, "but for some reason there just aren't many of us on this expedition. I don't think they did anything to deliberately exclude us, but when you're talking two hundred people, it's not going to be that many to begin with. I guess we're lucky there are any of us here at all." She shrugged. "Celibacy isn't my idea of a good time."

"Can't say as I blame you there," Carson said. "I'm none too fond of the condition when it's avoidable myself."

Jones grinned. "Not like you'd be hard up for partners, Doc. You're a sweet guy, and easy on the eyes."

Carson blushed. "Thank you, lass. I'm flattered you think so."

"General public opinion, Doc. I call 'em as I see 'em." She winked at him. "I gotta get back to work. I'll check in on Erin later. You gonna release her today?"

"Probably not until at least tomorrow morning. The way she was reacting to the pain medication, I'd like to keep her under observation to make sure she doesn't have other difficulties with it."

Jones left and Carson got back to his own work. He had records to review for the rest of the morning, and had to deal with work schedules for the medical division. A little later, Anand came into his office.

"Anand, what can I do for you?" He waved at the seat in front of his desk.

Anand sat, sipping at the cup of tea he'd carried in with him. "I'm just on a break," he said. "Would you mind a little company?"

Carson sighed and put down the paperwork. "Actually, a break sounds like a fine idea. I wouldn't mind the company at all."

"How are you doing with McKay away, my friend?" Anand asked.

Carson leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head. "It's that obvious, is it?'

Chandrapurna nodded. "It is. You look very tired. I think you have not really been yourself since we had to deal with the nanovirus outbreak."

"I haven't," Carson admitted. "I don't know what to do. I'm barely sleeping, and it's worse with Rodney not here. I don't want to start depending on medications for my sleep, but it's getting bad."

"Have you tried relaxation exercises?" Anand asked. "Meditation sometimes helps. Yoga can be good as well. Exercise of any kind, really, helps for tiring you out and perhaps then you could sleep."

"I know," Carson said. "It's less a problem with getting to sleep as it is with not staying that way. I'm starting to feel the lack of it, though."

"My uncle Manesh always said that such things were a sign that the soul was disturbed," Anand said. "This place, sometimes it is very soul-disturbing. It is like the corridors are filled with the past. We are surrounded in this galaxy with the most terrible enemies. I am really surprised there aren't more people who are unable to sleep."

"Aye, that's true," Carson said. He got up. "I need another cup of tea. Will you join me?" Anand followed him and they met Carol Bentz as they wandered into the break room.

"Morning, Carson," she said. "Anand."

"Carol," Carson said. "And how are you this morning?" They sat at the table with her.

"Busy," she said. "I've got the results back from some of the mouse trials we were doing on the Athosian medicinal plants. Looks like more of it will be useful than we originally thought."

"Oh," he said with a smile, "that's the first good news I've heard all day."

"This is wonderful," Anand added. "What kinds of drugs are we looking at?"

"Several antibiotics and an antipyretic, at least," she said. "The Genii made off with so much in their raid. This will be a godsend." They'd been running desperately low on many of their medical supplies since the Genii raid, and antibiotics were becoming a premium. They'd begun cutting back on low-level usages recently, reserving them for more serious cases.

"That's such a relief," Carson said. He leaned an elbow on the table and rested his forehead in one hand. "I'll let Dr. Weir know in a bit."

"I thought you could use a little good news," she said.

He smiled. "Indeed, it's a lovely piece of news. How soon can we start to work on doing some synthesis?"

"Within the week," Carol said. "We just need to get a team of botanists to the mainland to organize the Athosians for wildcrafting. Dr. Siwicki would probably--"

"Oh, she's not going anywhere for a few days," Carson said. "She's wracked up her leg in a fall today. Twenty stitches."

Carol grimaced. "Ow. No serious damage?"

"No, but she'll be off her feet for a bit, right enough. The pain meds made her a wee bit daft as well. You should have seen her earlier." He chuckled.

"Too bad. Our one ethnobotanist, and she has to be off her feet when we need her." Carol sighed. "I suppose we could get Dr. Valshenko on it."

"Aye, she'd do nicely," Carson agreed. "I'll have Dr. Weir pull her from hydroponics and assemble a team tomorrow first thing. We'll get a Jumper assigned to transporting medicinal plants for us until we get enough to replenish our supply of antibiotics."

"Why don't I get on that?" Carol asked. "I'll talk to Sgt. Stackhouse about piloting for the group."

Carson nodded. "Aye, that'll be lovely. Actually, I could go and talk to Dr. Weir now. That way perhaps we can get a team together by late this afternoon and have them ready to go first thing tomorrow."

She nodded and Carson went to find Elizabeth.

***

Rodney brushed sweat from his eyes and sat back for a few minutes. There was so much to do -- too much -- and it never seemed like he had enough time for any of it. Puzzles within puzzles, he couldn't help the frantic anticipation that ran through him.

He was disturbed by his reaction last night when Sheppard and the others told him about Allina's apparent attraction to him. He had no idea why they'd been encouraging him to pursue her; they knew he was with Carson. To his embarrassment, though, he'd reacted like a poodle in heat. For once he was glad he was incompetent when it came to the interpersonal stuff, or he'd have ended up in bed with her and then he'd have a lot of explaining to do.

Pulling a power bar from his pocket, he opened and ate it, washing it down with some water. The food here was... food. It was okay, he supposed, but he'd really rather have a nice MRE, or maybe some blue jello. There wasn't much to be said for the beds, either, which were really more like bags of straw in a frame.

Okay, so they *were* bags of straw in a frame. He'd spent his nights on the floor, not wanting to aggravate his allergies or deal with what were probably a host of all manner of parasites that must certainly congregate in straw bags. Fleas. Lice. Ticks. He shuddered. They probably carried bubonic plague or something.

"McKay!" Sheppard shouted, "why aren't you over here digging with the rest of us?'

"It's called resting, Major. I'm sure you're familiar with the concept. You know, sitting down? Having a snack?" He waved his canteen at Sheppard.

"It's called time limits, McKay. Besides, you took a break ten minutes ago." He leaned on his shovel and stared at Rodney.

"The ZedPM's been wherever it is for the past ten thousand years, Major. I'm sure a short break isn't going to cause it any anxiety." He snorted and leaned back against the tree.

"You're the one who's always in a hurry about this, McKay." Sheppard dropped the shovel and came over. He sat next to Rodney and grabbed his canteen, taking a drink.

"Hey!"

Sheppard grinned. "I don't have cooties, McKay." He handed the canteen back. Rodney wiped it with a semi-clean part of his shirt.

"Cooties," Rodney muttered. "And exactly which species of bacteria is that?"

Sheppard grinned. "Whichever one is worst."

"Such maturity. What was with you last night, anyway? Why the hell were you guys on about Allina and me? I mean, it's not like I'd really noticed she was... um... interested." Rodney sighed and looked over at the woman, who was still busy digging away.

"Well, she *was* hitting on you."

Rodney looked back at Sheppard. "Look, if this is some kind of weird, twisted jealousy thing about me being with Carson--"

"Oh, no. Stop right there." Sheppard held up a hand. "We are so not going there. If you can't take a joke, don't blame me."

Rodney glowered at him. "Some joke."

"And she really has been hitting on you."

"Oh *please* Major." He huffed and crossed his arms over his chest.

"She's hot for you." Sheppard grinned, and it was an uncompromisingly evil grin, as far as Rodney could tell. He hated it when Sheppard grinned like that.

"Don't start with that again. I'll have Ford short-sheet your skivvies."

Sheppard laughed. "He'd never do it. He's way too loyal to me. I'm his C.O."

"I'm sure I could find some sort of suitable bribe."

"Besides, you can't short-sheet my shorts."

Rodney grinned at him evilly. "What makes you so sure?"

Sheppard started to laugh, then *looked* at him. "Okay, you? You probably could."

"And you *really* don't want to know what I could have Carson do to you."

Sheppard paled. "Um... I think I'm gonna go... uh... dig." He rose and headed back for the ditch.

"You do that, Major. I'll join you in a few minutes." Rodney grinned. Score.

***

"It was really very strange," Radek was saying as Carson came over with his tray. "We had no idea there were deep space sensors until they came up today. They were running in background all this time."

"What's this about deep space sensors?" Carson asked.

Geoff looked up. "Have a seat. We're not sure."

"It is all very exciting, though," Radek said as Carson sat. "I'm still working through the telemetry data. It could take a few days to sort things out. I have no idea yet what we're looking at. Dr. Weir wants to know as soon as we come up with something. I have my team working on it right now."

"That could be useful," Carson said.

"Your talent for understatement, Carson, it amuses me," Radek said around a mouthful of sandwich.

"Well," Carson said, "it stands to reason that a bunch of folk like the Ancients, bein' out in space so much, they'd have sensors to tell them who was coming and going, aye?"

"True, true," Zelenka said. "And I'm certain this is what the system is for, but without deciphering telemetry? We are still blind."

"It's too bad the... the other Dr. Weir wasn't still alive. It's possible she could have told us more," Geoff said.

Carson shook his head. "I don't think so. She wasn't really with them long enough to learn much about their technology. It was luck she left us with that list Rodney's checking out of possible ZedPM locations. I do hope they're having some luck on Dagan."

"Luck is certainly what we need," Radek said, nodding. "Ten thousand year old equipment. People eating and drinking over it, vsichni jsou to blbci! Why do I put up with them?"

"Because you're a saint," Geoff said with a smile.

Radek snorted. "Well, yes. Aside from that."

Geoff raised an eyebrow. "Because Kavanagh would kill them?"

Radek laughed. "It would save me the trouble."

"Rodney would just insult them to death," Carson said. He leaned over his tray, eating his sandwich.

"Yes, but I do it in Czech." Radek grinned at him.

Carson laughed. "The problem with that is, none of them would understand it."

"And you think they understand Rodney?" Radek shook his head and took a drink. He waved his glass at Carson. "They are idiots. They cannot understand when they are being insulted. I swear, is universal."

Carson sighed, missing Rodney yet again.

"It's okay," Geoff said softly. "He should be home soon."

Carson looked at him. "And how would you know that's what I was thinking about?"

Geoff smiled. "It's what I'd be thinking about if Radek was away. Look, if Rodney's not back tonight, why don't you come crash on the couch at our place."

Carson blushed. "I'm sorry about last night," he said.

"It was no trouble," Radek said. "Except for the sore shoulder. But tonight you can sleep by yourself on the couch. It will be much more comfortable for everyone, I'm sure."

Carson thought about it. He really didn't relish the thought of yet another night alone, particularly with the nightmares bothering him so. They wouldn't have offered if they didn't mean it, and to share the evening with them would be pleasant.

"Right, then," he said. "So long as you're sure it's not an imposition."

"It's not," Geoff said. "We'd enjoy your company, and you might sleep better if you know someone's nearby."

Carson nodded. "All right. I'll do that. What time would you want me to come by?"

"Why not join us for dinner when you get off work," Radek said. "You can come home with us then."

Carson smiled. "Thank you, lads. That's kind of you."

Geoff patted Carson's back. "Our pleasure."

***

They'd found the fifth piece of the nine, and night was falling fast. At this rate, it might be another two to three days before they found the ninth plaque. The answer was in their grasp; Rodney could feel it.

Allina was still nosing around him, but he wasn't entirely convinced she was interested in him the way Sheppard had implied. She did seem to smile at him a lot, though. He tried not to think about it.

Carson had been on his mind every moment that wasn't taken up by essential information related to their search for the ZedPM. He missed his lover. He had definite plans for what he'd do to the man the minute he could get a shower and some time alone together. The idea of being under hot, falling water with Carson's hands on him... he shook himself out of the reverie. There wasn't much he could do about being terminally horny without attracting attention, so best not to go there.

They were hiking back to the hut where they would spend yet another night in less than pristine conditions. "Why haven't these people invented feather beds yet?" Rodney muttered.

"Perhaps they do not have sufficient trade in fowl to collect enough down," Teyla said. "Their society is very small, not unlike my own. Such things do require a certain amount of resources."

"Well they should be using something other than straw. Fur. Fur would be nice. It would be comfortable, even. I'd like fur." He huffed a little. He'd been keeping up better over the last couple of months, developing some muscle even, but he was still a little slower than the others, and got out of breath a bit more quickly.

"They are not hunters, like the Athosians," Telya said. "They would have to trade for furs. These people are largely farmers and scholars."

"Yes, yes, I've noticed. They don't have much of anything, really, do they? Just a bunch of decrepit castles and some vague hints about the Ancients." He paused for a moment, leaning on a tree to catch his breath. "Oh, and let's not forget, they have a ZedPM hidden around here somewhere."

Allina caught up to them as they stood. "Rodney," she said, with a pleasant smile. "The work is progressing so quickly now. It's so fortunate that your people came to us. This will help solve so many mysteries about our past. I can not tell you how grateful our people are to you."

Rodney grinned at her. "What you're doing is going to help Atlantis immensely. It's our pleasure to work with you on this." She rested a hand on his wrist and he turned to Teyla. "How much further until we get back to the hut? I'm starving."

Telya looked down at Allina's hand on his wrist. "Only another half hour, McKay. We should be there by nightfall."

Sighing, Rodney straightened up from where he'd been leaning on the tree and trudged off.

***

The heat was intense and he was soaked to the skin. Carson's head ached with a blaze as intense as the flames around him. Rodney was falling and Carson caught him. They tumbled to the ground together, slumping into the dry loam. He cradled Rodney in his arms, watching Rodney struggling for breath that refused to come.

"Damn you, Rodney, *breathe*!" Carson shouted. He tilted Rodney's head back, trying to breathe for him, but Rodney kept choking, tongue and throat swelling. "Please," Carson gasped, "please, don't leave me like this."

The fire closed in around him. Smoke burned his eyes, slurring his already blurred vision. He had nothing to work with. Rodney was going to die, and he would soon after. "No!" he shouted, "*no*! Rodney!"

Gasping and flailing, Carson woke with hands on him, arms around him, voices calling his name.

"No! No! Rodney!" He opened his eyes, but Rodney wasn't there. He was in a room somewhere, and the light was too dim to make out more than shapes.

"Carson! Carson, wake up!" The voice was familiar, accented.

"Rodney," Carson gasped, "oh god, he's dead, he's dead."

"No, no Carson, he's fine. It's Geoff, you're having a nightmare, wake up." The arms around him tightened and he shuddered.

"You're all right," Radek said. "You're with us. It's all right." Hands caressed his shoulders and he finally focused on the reflection of light from Radek's glasses. Carson gasped for breath, still shaking violently as they held him, and rested his forehead against Radek's.

"Oh, god, that was awful," he whispered, voice trembling as badly as his body. "I-I was back in... back in the fire."

"It's all right," Geoff whispered, "you're safe. Rodney's okay. He's just offworld. He'll be home in a day or two, when he's done with the mission." The three of them rocked together as Carson caught his breath.

Try as he might, he couldn't control the tears rolling down his cheeks. "I hate this, I hate it," he choked out. "I just want some sleep. I just..." He took a deep, shuddering breath. "I just want Rodney here. What in bloody hell is going on with me? I shouldn't be acting like this."

"Carson," Radek said gently, hands on Carson's shoulders, "it's all right. Just take some deep breaths and try to calm yourself."

Geoff held him tight, pressing Carson's back against his chest as they moved. It was warm and reassuring, but Carson ached to have Rodney there with him.

"You're all right," Geoff said. "Let me get you some tea or something. Maybe it'll help you feel better."

Carson nodded, regretting it when Geoff got up, but unwilling to say anything. It was such an imposition on them, he thought, to be here with his nightmares and his troubles. Radek was still there and slipped his arms around him when Geoff moved. Carson held on as his trembling eased.

They sat with him as he sipped his tea, each of them with an arm around his shoulders. "I'm sorry, lads. I didn't--"

"It's all right," Geoff said. "We wanted you to stay here in case something like this happened. I mean we hoped it wouldn't, but we're your friends, Carson. We're here for you."

Carson sighed and sagged between them. "Why is this happening? The fire, that was months ago."

Warm hands moved on his back. It felt good and helped slow the still-frantic beating of his heart. He didn't understand why he was still having the nightmares. Rodney was fine, if nowhere near Atlantis. It had been a couple of weeks since the nanovirus incident and things had more or less returned to normal.

His hands were shaking as he held the cup between them. None of them spoke. His friends huddled close around him. Their presence was more comforting than he could have hoped.

"Sometimes," Geoff said quietly, "it takes months for these things to come to the surface. I don't think it's all that surprising, given what happened recently. Have you talked to Kate about this much?"

Carson nodded. "A bit, but not so much about the nightmares. More just about not bein' able to sleep. I've been a bit reluctant to talk about... about how it's always Rodney dying. It's not real. It shouldn't bother me so."

"It's real enough in your head to wake you screaming," Radek said. "And if it is getting worse, then I think you should talk to her. This is why she is here, no?"

He took a deep breath. "Aye, I suppose it's true." He looked up at each of them. "You're good friends, the both of you. Thank you for this."

"Do you think you can go back to sleep?" Geoff asked. Carson could feel Geoff's hand still moving gently on his back.

"To be honest, I'm not sure yet. I don't think so. Not right now, anyway."

Geoff nodded. "Radek, mil·cku, why don't you go back to bed. You've got a lot more to do tomorrow than I do. You need your sleep. I'll stay up with Carson for a while."

Zelenka sighed. "You're probably right." He rubbed Carson's back and squeezed his shoulder. "Geoff will take care of you, Carson. He's very good at that. I am very tired, though, and shall wish you a good night."

"I'm sorry I woke you," Carson said, taking Radek's wrist as he rose.

Radek just smiled softly. "Try to rest, even if you can not sleep, will you?" He stroked fingertips across Carson's cheek and went back into the bedroom.

Carson shook his head and looked down into the cup of tea that he still held in one hand. "Geoff, you might as well go back to bed yourself. I'm a bit of a lost cause tonight, I think. I'm not sure I'll really sleep until Rodney's home."

"It's okay." Geoff leaned back against one arm of the couch. "I can nap here if you manage to fall asleep. It's all right to lean on me. Maybe just having someone with you will help."

"I'm not five years old, Geoff. I don't need someone to hold my hand while I try to sleep." He sipped at the tea again.

Geoff looked at him, a serious expression in his eyes. "Everyone needs a little help now and then, no matter how old they get. This isn't anything but what it is, Carson; a friend offering a little comfort when you're not feeling yourself. It's okay to need people sometimes. You're always trying to be the strength everyone else leans on. Who do you lean on?"

Carson was beginning to wonder that himself. Rodney was certainly working on being supportive, but it was a tentative process for both of them. They often ended up annoying one another, but he knew that Rodney's intentions were the best and that he was still very new at being in a relationship with a lover at all. "Rodney does as well as he can. He's not got much practice, but he's getting a bit better at it."

"That's good," Geoff said. "I'm glad to hear it. He's talked to me and Radek about it before. I know he's trying hard. I also know that he can be pretty oblivious sometimes. And anyway, he's not here right now, which is the largest issue at hand. So let yourself lean here for a while. I promise I won't bite, no matter how tempting it might be." He grinned and chuckled.

Carson let himself smile a little, feeling a bit better. "All right then, I do see your point." He eased back, letting himself lean into Geoff, who slipped an arm around him and pulled a blanket up over them. Geoff was tall and thin, though not as tall as Rodney. Carson was heavier than he was, but Geoff was stronger than he looked. For a slender man, he had a good deal of substance, and after a few moments of mild unease, Carson let himself relax.

"That's better," Geoff said. He took the cup from Carson's hand and set it on the end table. "Now, just close your eyes and listen to my breathing. Don't think about anything else. Just listen to that. It should help you sleep, okay?"

Carson nodded. He closed his eyes and listened. Geoff was asleep before he was, but it didn't take nearly as long as he'd thought.

***

Another day, another two pieces to the puzzle. Rodney was exhausted and aching from all their running around the countryside. The digging and the miserable bedding were taking their toll as well. He missed Carson, but was very pleased with their progress. Tomorrow, if they were lucky, they'd find the eighth and ninth pieces -- and perhaps the ZedPM.

They were away from any of the villages, and had set up a campsite for the night. Rodney sat by the fire, staring into the light, trying to stay warm as night was coming on. He held his palms out to the flames, feeling only a peripheral unease at the memory of the forest fire. He wondered if Carson was still having the nightmares.

Sleeping alone like this was a lot harder than it used to be, he thought. He'd been considering moving into a bigger space as more apartments were turning up. He wondered if Carson might...

No, probably not. Their hours didn't always mesh, and they'd probably kill each other if they actually had to share space.

Still, it was a tempting thought.

With a sigh, he got up to crawl into his tent. Alone.

***

Thursday came and went, stressful but relatively uneventful. Rodney's team had reported that they'd found the eighth piece to the puzzle, but were still looking for number nine. They hoped they'd find the last piece and the ZedPM tomorrow.

Sgt. Markham had been sent off to the mainland with a crew of botanists and biologists to start work on gathering medicinal plants. Dr. Valshenko had been thrilled to head the team.

Erin was on crutches at Geoff and Radek's that evening, leaning into Tanya Jones' arms as she played Go with Hiro. He could see the pain still in her eyes when she moved, but she seemed to make the best of it. She would be confined to desk duty for another three or four days at the least.

Carson listened to the conversations around him without much interest. Radek and Geoff seemed to be watching him more closely than usual, but it didn't really surprise him.

"I finally got that device working," Radek said, "and I was correct. It was a growth stimulation device for the plants. Hydroponics was quite excited by this discovery. It should help with our food shortage soon, as well."

Geoff nodded. "What about the deep space sensors? Any progress on that?"

Radek shrugged. "We are getting closer to decryption. Tomorrow sometime, I hope, we shall have more information. I am thinking that it has detected something, and this is why it finally came to foreground of the systems."

"Makes sense," Carson said. "If it's been silent all this time, it's likely because there wasn't anything of note happening out there."

"The decryption's a tricky one," Jones said. She was an Air Force cryptographer, and dealt with the intelligence reports the Gate teams generated. "Fortunately, my Ancient is getting better. It's helping with understanding how their coding works. Complex stuff."

"You are really making spectacular progress on the algorithms," Radek told her. "Very helpful indeed."

Jones grinned. "Thanks. It's fascinating. I love this stuff."

"Numbers," Erin snorted. "Stuff makes my head spin."

"It's pure, perfect order," Jones insisted.

Erin looked up from the go board. "That's what McKay's always saying."

It was Jones' turn to snort. "Well, I suppose he has to be right once in a while."

Several people chuckled at that. "I hope his mission is going well," Nagazima Hiro said. "They've been gone much longer than usual." He looked up at Carson. "Did you hear from him today?"

Carson nodded. "Briefly. Seems like they're close to solving the riddle that they found. He hopes they'll uncover the ZedPM tomorrow sometime."

"This would be very good," Radek said. "So much we could do if we had one. There could be shields. We could power up all the secondary systems. There would be power to get back home." Everyone in the room shifted slightly at that. Even the idea of being able to go back to Earth was powerfully appealing.

"I miss home," De Lancie said. "Really want some of my mama's gumbo." He sighed wistfully. "Missin' the jambalaya and the red beans an' rice."

Rob Stackhouse thumped his shoulder. "You just wanna go fishing."

"That too," Jackson said, grinning.

"You promised to take me to see some good blues, Jacks," Rob continued. "I'm gonna hold you to that."

Jackson's smile widened. "Oh, I'll take you to all the best places, Rob."

Carson sighed and sank back into his chair. Home. He desperately wanted to be there now, preferably with Rodney, tucked away in some quiet Hebridean croft for a holiday.

"You okay, Carson?" Geoff was leaned over from the chair next to him, speaking softly in his ear. Concern was written clearly on his face.

"Oh, aye," Carson replied, equally quiet. "I'm just a wee bit homesick is all."

Geoff nodded. "I think everyone is."

"Just for a while," Carson said, "I'd like to be in a place where all I have to think about is what's for dinner."

Geoff smiled at him. "Hey, if all goes well tomorrow, you may just be able to arrange that."

Carson closed his eyes. "I hope so, Geoff. I truly do."

***

He'd fumbled through an attempt to let Allina down gently, trying for the 'you're a really nice person but this isn't going to work' thing, but it had been interrupted by Sheppard's cheerful nosiness. Probably for the best, he thought. It really hadn't been going very well. He wished Carson were with him.

Sheppard's nosiness had been interrupted as well. Ford had found something. In short order, they had unearthed the cover to an underground chamber and had descended to see what they could find.

Now, Rodney stared up out of the chamber at Commander Kolya. God, he hated that stupid bastard. The man obviously had no clue what a ZedPM was or what to do with it, but wanted it anyway. If he got his hands on it, he'd probably end up destroying the thing.

Just what everyone needed.

"Look, the ninth stone is hidden on another planet!" he shouted. "All we have is the Gate address." When Kolya asked about his arm, Rodney shivered. Standing around insulting each other wasn't going to find the stone, or the ZedPM. It was blindingly obvious that he was the only one capable of actually finding the stone, so he offered to make a deal.

"Look, lift me out of here and I'll help you find it, but then you let my team go." He knew Kolya was unlikely to let anyone go, but by the time they found the stone he was certain Sheppard and the others would have formulated some spectacularly dangerous but ultimately successful plan to get them out of this mess. Then they could grab the ZedPM and just go home.

Sheppard, of course, objected. "Shut up, McKay."

"You got a better idea?" he asked.

Sheppard shook his head. "No."

Rodney looked back up. "Do we have a deal?" he shouted to Kolya.

A few moments later, he was being raised from the pit.

***

Rodney's team had been out of radio contact for a couple of hours beyond their scheduled report now, and Carson's day was only getting worse.

"Dr. Beckett." Elizabeth's voice was crisp over the radio.

"Aye, Dr. Weir, what can I do for you?"

There was tension in her voice that worried Carson. "Is Dr. Siwicki fit for duty yet?"

He shook his head as he looked up from his microscope. "No, Elizabeth. She's on desk duty for another two days. You'll need to find someone else unless it's a translation job."

He heard Elizabeth sigh. "I'm sorry, Carson, but with Dr. Siwicki out of commission, I need you to report to the Jumper bay right away. You need to report to Sgt. Bates to pilot Jumper Two. We've got an incoming Wraith Dart to deal with."

"WHAT?" If he'd been holding anything, he'd have dropped it in his shock. "Piloting... a Wraith Dart? Elizabeth, I can barely make it to the mainland and back!" He could feel his guts turning to water at the mere idea.

"You're all we have, Carson. We still can't raise Major Sheppard's team, and everyone else who can fly is offworld or too far away to get here in time. Dr. Siwicki was my only other alternative before you. We haven't time to argue about this. I need you in the air."

"Oh, crap." Carson ran for the Jumper bay.

He argued briefly with Bates, not even hoping he could actually get out of the mess he was in. Carson was sweating at just the thought of having to fly against a Wraith Dart. He was no fighter pilot. He barely managed flying under optimal conditions, and now he'd have to rely on what little skill he had and a silent prayer, hoping he'd bring them both back in one piece.

"Good luck, Carson," Elizabeth said.

"Thanks, I'll need it," he muttered. Sweating hands gripped the controls and his heart was pounding in his throat. Butterflies the size of pteranodons fluttered in his stomach.

When he finally got visual contact, it was too late. Bates had tried to reassure him but nothing was going to make him any calmer than the incipient panic he was experiencing.

And then Markham and Smith were blown out of the sky before him in a ball of fire the likes of which he'd never even imagined seeing. He barely resisted the urge to vomit. He gasped and pushed the Jumper as hard as he could in pursuit as Bates reported their loss to Flight Control.

Carson wove between the towers of the city at breathtaking speed, terrified of crashing into one of them as they followed the Dart. Rob Stackhouse's Jumper swerved in the opposite direction as they tried to tag-team the enemy in their deadly pursuit.

"Shoot it down!" Bates shouted.

"It's in the middle of the city, I don't have a clean shot!" Carson snapped back at him. He could feel the sweat trickling down his face and chest and running like a bloody river from his armpits. A strange beam emanated from beneath the Dart and he watched, horrified, wondering if it was taking any of his friends away.

With a jerk at the controls, he pulled up and away when the Dart did. He pressed the craft to its top atmospheric speed as it screamed away from Atlantis into open air.

"Hold tight," he gasped, "just... one... more... second..." He could feel the Jumper responding to his mental command to ready the weapons, but before he could fire the Dart blew in front of him and they sailed through the fireball and debris field before he could turn away.

"Yes!" Bates crowed.

Carson hadn't fired, and he hadn't seen Rob fire either. "We didn't do that," he said, confused. "At least, I don't think we did."

Bates didn't care, and reported their 'kill' to Flight Control.

He heaved a sigh of relief when Elizabeth told them to come home. Carson's hands shook so much he could barely put the Jumper down. Wobbly legs carried him up to the conference room for their debriefing.

Still in shock, he prayed that at some point during all this, Rodney's team had reported in.

***

Radek watched as Carson came into the conference room for the debriefing. He looked like a ghost of himself. It was common knowledge how afraid Carson was of Ancient technology but, as always, he had much more courage than he realized.

The man stammered through his report, looking like he was about to vomit. Radek suspected he would the moment the meeting was over and Carson was safely in a private place. He wished he could go with Carson afterwards to see that he was all right, but he had to work with the deep space sensors to figure out where the Dart was sending its information and what was out there.

That had the potential of keeping him up for several days solid. He wasn't looking forward to telling Geoff.

***

Rodney's team had been out of radio contact for well over ten hours now, and Carson was frantic. Nothing he did calmed him, and he paced his office like a caged panther. Something was definitely out there, where the Dart had sent its information, but what it was remained a mystery.

Carson had been unable to eat at all after he got back from his stint as a fighter pilot, despite that two mealtimes had come and gone. His stomach screamed at him, though he'd emptied it violently as soon as he'd got out of his mission debriefing. If he didn't know better, he'd think he'd swallowed ground glass.

He feared something terrible had happened. What if Rodney never came home again? Perhaps all those horrible dreams were a warning of sorts? He felt like his sanity was taking a side trip through one of the sÏth mounds his grandmother spoke of in her stories. She'd speak of the way some in the family could see things, usually death approaching, with some dread. He hoped he hadn't got the talent for it.

Oh god, he must be delusional, or the stress was taking more of a toll on him than he'd thought. He couldn't shake the dread that something was terribly wrong and that someone would be coming home in a body bag, if they made it home at all. He wished, not for the first time, that Rodney wasn't on one of the bloody Gate teams.

He was startled from his uneasy reverie by a knock on his office door. Flustered, he answered, and Erin was there on her crutches.

"Oh," he said, running a hand through his sweat-damp hair. "Oh, come in Erin. Wh-what can I do for you?"

She hobbled in, giving him a sharp look as she did. "I'm thinking maybe it's what can I do for you?" she said. "I only just heard that I was the one who was supposed to go up in that Jumper today and the leg was keeping me grounded." She took a deep breath and heaved it out. "I'm... I'm sorry, Carson. I know how you hate that stuff. Everyone's still in shock. I know I am."

"Aye," he said quietly. "Me too." He waved her toward a chair. "I can't believe I'm still alive."

"Well thank the gods you are," she said, sitting. "I can't imagine what that must have been like. Markham and Smith, I mean..." She fell silent, her face drawn and haggard. He could see the pain and the fear in her eyes and knew his own face must reflect something similar.

"I hope Rodney's safe," she said softly. "I heard the team still hasn't reported in."

Carson nodded and started pacing again. He wondered if it was possible to wear a groove in the Ancients' flooring. "Aye. I'm worried out of my mind. It can't mean anything good at all for them to be out of contact like this. Something terrible must have happened."

"Maybe... maybe they found a ZPM and they're in a shielded location somewhere and can't get radio transmissions through? Maybe it's taking them a long time to get the ZPM out of there?" she offered.

"I think if they'd found it, they'd have said something, or one of them would have left the shielded area to report in by now. It's been--" he looked at his watch "--over eleven hours now. Nearly twelve."

She sighed and nodded. "I'm worried too," she said, following his movement across the room. "Please, Carson, can you sit down? You're exhausting me, flinging yourself around the room like that."

"Oh," he said, stopping in his tracks beside the chair she was in. "Sorry. I just... I can't help it. I can't focus on anything. I can't concentrate. I've been having these horrible nightmares ever since the nanovirus of Rodney dying, and they've only got worse. Last night..." He wasn't sure he wanted to tell her about last night. He sighed. "Last night was very bad."

"Carson," she said, her voice betraying her concern. She eased herself to her feet and hugged him tightly. He let her. "I'm so sorry. No wonder you're looking so frazzled."

They stood there for long minutes, just breathing together with their arms about each other.

Carson's radio signaled him and he stepped back from Erin. "Beckett," he said.

"Carson." It was Elizabeth's voice. "Rodney's team just contacted us. They'll be home shortly."

"Oh, thank god!" Carson said. "I'll be right up!" He turned to Erin. "I'm sorry lass, but I've got to leave. Rodney's team's reported in and they'll be back soon."

Erin broke into a grin. "Oh, that's wonderful! Go!"

Carson ran.

***

Rodney stepped through the Gate into chaos. They had no ZedPM. The mission was a failure, days wasted, and that bastard Kolya wasn't dead. There was no question in his mind that Sheppard had made a mistake in letting the man live, but Rodney didn't want to insist on killing anyone. Well, Wraith -- he could very much insist that the Wraith died to the last of them.

His brain seared when Weir told him they'd lost a Jumper, along with Markham and Smith, but what slammed into his attention like a dagger was Zelenka's bald statement about the deep space sensors.

"We have deep space sensors?" When the hell had that happened?

"Yeah," Radek said. "It's a long story."

They were almost running up to the main systems monitor screen when the worst news was announced. "What are those?" Rodney asked, looking at the almost unintelligible blobs on the screen.

"Wraith Hiveships," Radek announced. "Three of them. The systems analysis just got back."

"Great," Sheppard said. "Where are they headed?"

Elizabeth looked at them and Rodney's stomach seized. "If they maintain direction and speed, they'll be over our planet within three weeks."

Rodney put a hand out and steadied himself on one of the consoles, sure he was about to pass out. "Three weeks? Oh god. We have *got* to find a damned ZedPM, but the only planet on the list of addresses that panned out was Dagan. What the hell are we going to do now?"

Three weeks. He had three weeks to save their asses. He was dizzy with an edge of panic and sat heavily in the nearest empty chair. "There's no time," he whispered. "We've got to get people through the rest of the city to see if there's anything else here we can use. We have to get teams out ASAP to check any anomalous energy signatures we can possibly find. Maybe... maybe we can find a planet with some naquadah deposits and throw together a few more generators. Maybe..."

His mind flew, working through permutations and possibilities as he jerked to his feet. God, he was filthy and gritty and he needed a shower and he maybe could think under the hot, pounding water. What the hell was he going to do? Carson registered in his peripheral vision.

Yes. Carson. Shower. Good idea. Very good idea.

"I... ah... I really need to get out of this uniform. I stink like a cesspool and I haven't had a shower in three days. I'll have something for you when I get back," Rodney said to Elizabeth.

Weir nodded. "All right Rodney, but please, we do need to sit down and brainstorm on this. Three weeks is not a lot of time."

"Tell me something I don't know," he snarled. "I'm working on it." With that he spun and hurried off, grabbing Carson by the arm as he sailed by where his lover had been standing. "Come on," he muttered. "I need some room to breathe."

Carson just nodded and followed along silently.

Rodney didn't even stop to think until he was stripped and in the shower in his quarters. When he turned to look, Carson was still standing there dressed, looking stricken.

"Carson?" He gestured. "Come on, join me. We'll both feel better."

Carson blinked and nodded, taking his clothes off slowly. This wasn't a tease, though. It was as though his brain and his limbs weren't quite connected.

"Carson?" Rodney really looked at him. "Are you all right?"

Carson shook his head in a silent 'no'.

"Come here," Rodney whispered, holding his arms out. Finally nude, Carson joined him in the shower and slipped into his arms. He was cold, colder than Rodney would ever have guessed, and he was trembling. "Carson, talk to me."

Carson just held him, shivering slightly.

"It's the Hiveships, isn't it? I'm freaking on it too. We'll think of something."

Carson still didn't speak, but his fingers dug into Rodney's shoulders.

"Carson..." Something was really, really wrong.

There were confused sounds, as though Carson was trying to speak but couldn't, and the shaking got worse. After a moment, Rodney realized that Carson was nearly hyperventilating. He took Carson by the arms and looked him in the face.

Shit. He was having a panic attack. He'd had enough of them himself to recognize the symptoms.

"Oh, god, Carson." He held his lover tight. "Easy, babe, easy. Can you hear me? Can you talk to me?" Really, right now the quickest way to get Carson warm was doing exactly what they were doing -- standing under the hot water and holding him. He thought the heat up just a bit and the room started filling with steam.

He eased Carson down onto the floor of the shower, still under the stream of water, and sat with him, holding him. "Come on," he whispered in Carson's ear. "Come back. It's okay. You're safe." Well, for the moment anyway. Not like they had more than three weeks of that false safety left, but right now getting Carson back with him was a priority.

Carson clung to him, shuddering now. "Oh god, oh god," Carson was whispering. Speech. That was good. That was a start.

"That's right," Rodney said, stroking Carson's back as the water fell on them. "That's right, talk to me. It's okay." Touch was good when he was panicking, Rodney knew. It usually helped him if this happened and someone was with him.

Unfortunately, Carson didn't really keep on with the talking thing. His breath hitched and he started crying. Rodney groaned and held him as hard as he could, hands moving over his skin. "Come on, Carson, you've got to snap out of this. We just... we don't have time for panic. Not like this."

Carson nodded. Thank god, he'd heard it. "Talk to me." He put a hand on Carson's cheek and looked into his eyes. There was a little less blank panic in them than there had been a few moments ago. "I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. Come on, lover, snap out of it." He was beginning to feel warmer as well, so the hot water and the steam were doing their work.

"Rodney," Carson whispered.

"Yes! That's right. Come on, Carson; come back to me. Let me know you're okay." He kissed Carson's face softly and Carson took a slow, deep breath. "That's good, that's right, breathe for me. Just take some slow, deep breaths."

Carson was still shaking, but it was less intense now. It seemed like the worst of it was passing. "Oh, god, Rodney." Carson raised a hand to Rodney's face. "I missed you."

Rodney almost lost it at that. "I missed you too," he said softly. "Please, Carson, talk to me."

"The nightmares were awful," Carson told him. Finally! Some coherent conversation.

"I'm sorry," Rodney said. "I'll be with you tonight, I promise." And he would, no matter what he had to skip out on to do it. After tonight, though, he didn't think he'd have five minutes to spare.

Carson nodded. "Good. I don't think I can keep this up much longer."

Rodney kissed Carson again then stroked his face with one hand. "Carson, you understand I have to leave in a few minutes for a meeting, right? It's an emergency, so I don't have any choice." Carson nodded again. "I'm gonna call Kate and get her here to stay with you until you're feeling better, okay?"

"Right," Carson said, his voice soft and shaking a bit. "I think that might be a good idea."

"Good, good." He hugged Carson. "I need to shower now and get clean. Stay here with me where it's warm, then I'll help you dry off."

Carson handed him the soap and a washcloth.

Ten minutes later, he was showered and dressed and Carson was tucked into Rodney's bed. He'd called Heightmeyer and was just waiting on her arrival. He'd also asked her to send one of the other doctors up to the meeting, since Carson wasn't going to be able to attend.

When Heightmeyer arrived, he ran back up to the conference room.

***

Elizabeth sighed and eased back into her chair as Rodney finally hurried into the room. "What took you so long?" she asked. "We're just waiting for Dr. Beckett and then we can begin."

Rodney shook his head. "Carson won't be here. I asked Medical to send one of the other doctors instead."

She tilted her head and looked at him. "Why? Is something wrong?"

"Of course something's wrong. Didn't I just tell you Carson wasn't coming?" Rodney snapped at her. She didn't like the look in his eyes.

"I'd like to know why." She looked at everyone around the table. The Major and Lt. Ford were there, along with Teyla, Dr. Zelenka and Sgt. Bates. Everyone was tense, the room crackling with the energy of it.

"He freaked. I have no idea what brought it on." Rodney sank into an empty chair and sighed. "Maybe it's the Hiveships, but I didn't think he'd freak like that when we have three weeks."

"He was out in one of the Jumpers pursuing the Wraith Dart earlier," Radek said.

"WHAT?" Rodney's eyes went wide, and he turned on her in pale anger. "You sent *Carson* up against a Wraith Dart? He's not a fucking fighter pilot!"

"We had no choice," Elizabeth said, raising a hand in hopes of forestalling more of his outburst.

"There are four other pilots here, and all of them better than Carson!" Rodney shouted. "Why didn't you send one of them?"

"Three of them were unable to return in time. You and the Major were out of radio contact. Dr. Siwicki is on crutches and the only thing she'll be flying for the next two days is a desk," she replied calmly. "Now please, Rodney, calm down."

Dr. Bentz walked in as Rodney started to rise.

"McKay," Sheppard warned.

Elizabeth put a hand on Rodney's arm. She knew how much he cared about Carson, but in an emergency everyone had to do what was necessary for the city to survive.

"Now that Dr. Bentz has arrived, we can call this meeting to order," Elizabeth said. "Please, Rodney, we'll discuss everything as it comes up."

"We certainly will," he growled. "Sending up our Chief Medical Officer as a *fighter pilot* is absolute insanity."

"He did fine," Bates said, bristling a bit. "He didn't want to be up there, but once he was in the air, he did what he had to do."

"I knew he could do it," Sheppard said.

Rodney huffed. "Yeah, right. And you're overlooking one little thing here. He had a *panic attack* afterwards. This is not okay, people. Carson doesn't *do* that!"

"Oh dear." She hadn't realized that was what Rodney meant. Carson always seemed so strong and stable, though she had to admit he'd been looking tired lately, and a bit frayed about the edges. Then again, so had a lot of other people.

"It could have been him in the Jumper that blew!" Rodney was working himself up to a fury now.

"I know," Elizabeth said. "Please, Rodney, we have a lot to deal with right now. I'll have Dr. Heightmeyer speak to him as soon as possible.

"It is the risk we all take, where the Wraith are concerned," Teyla added.

"Dr. Heightmeyer's with Dr. Beckett right now," Bentz added.

Elizabeth nodded. "Oh, good."

Rodney backed down a bit, unmollified but apparently willing to get on with the meeting. "Okay. Look, I know this is important, I just want to be sure this doesn't happen again."

Sheppard looked at him. "McKay, let it go. We'll talk later."

Rodney glared at Sheppard for a moment then sighed, nodded, and leaned back in his chair.

"Now," Elizabeth said, "the first thing you need to hear is Dr. Zelenka's report."

***

Rodney found Carson working in the infirmary after the meeting. It had been well over four hours long, and emotionally exhausting. Laid on top of his physical exhaustion from the digs and the stress of dealing with Kolya and losing the ZedPM, Rodney was barely on his feet himself.

"Hey," he said, putting a hand on Carson's shoulder. "Time for food."

Carson looked up from his microscope. "Rodney." He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I'm sorry about earlier. I had no business falling apart on you like that, what with the Wraith coming and all the work you're having to do."

Rodney let his hand slip down Carson's arm and took him into an embrace. "I'm on the verge of a panic attack myself," he said. "Don't let the cool exterior fool you. Come on, let's go eat."

Carson hugged him back. "Aye, you're right. Dinner would be a good idea. You can update me on the situation. Carol hasn't had time to give me her report about the meeting yet. She's still making her notes."

He nodded and led Carson down to the mess hall. They grabbed a small table in a corner where they wouldn't be disturbed. Everyone was agitated and the mess was abuzz with nervous chatter. People looked haunted, staying in small groups, talking.

Every other word he overheard seemed to be "Wraith" or "Hiveships." He wasn't surprised. Dinner was fish, and he found himself wishing for mac and cheese instead; he'd find it comforting right about now.

"I'm taking tonight off," Rodney said. "I want to spend it with you. After that, though, I'm probably going to be running like crazy until the Wraith get here." He sighed and sagged, face in one hand. "There's so much to do, and not nearly enough time to do it in. I wish we had another six months -- another year."

Carson ran a soothing hand down his back. "We've only got what we have, mo leannan." He could feel Carson still trembling a little through the contact. He didn't blame the man. Rodney was about to burst himself. He wanted to curl up in a corner and cry but he couldn't. There was too much at stake, too many lives depending on him to pull yet another miracle out of his ass.

"I don't know what to do," Carson said. "I wish I knew what to do."

"If I knew, I'd tell you," Rodney replied. "Right now, all I can do is tell you what happened at the meeting."

Carson sighed and nodded, and Rodney went over the high points quickly. They both ate, though not much. People would look over at them now and then but no one approached. Rodney wondered what they were all thinking. Probably that he was going to save them, he thought. What a joke.

They didn't talk to anyone before they went back to Carson's quarters. Instead of curling up on the couch as they usually did, they simply stripped down and went to bed. Both of them were exhausted, and Rodney didn't think either of them would have been able to do anything, even had they wanted to.

"Talk to me about what happened today," Rodney said. "I almost ripped Elizabeth a new one for sending you out there in the Jumper."

Carson sighed and looked away. "I had to go, Rodney. You know that as well as I do."

"You could have been killed." Rodney couldn't quite suppress his shiver at that thought, and pulled Carson close.

"I know that." Carson looked back at him, eyes bright with a glimmer of held-back tears. "God, I know that. And poor Markham and Smith; they hadn't a prayer out there. It's just luck it wasn't me and Sgt. Bates." He shuddered. "The Wraith shot them out of the sky right before us. We... we flew through the fireball," he whispered. "And all I could think was that could have been me, and how was I supposed to defend Atlantis?"

Rodney shifted uneasily. "Bates says you did a great job once you got started."

Carson shook his head. "He thought we'd shot the Wraith down."

"I know, I know. It self destructed, and that strikes me as a bad thing. It means they're willing to sacrifice their own to get to us." Rodney closed his eyes and laid his head back on the pillow, not wanting to think about the possible consequences of that information.

Carson's hand moved softly over his chest, one finger tracing gently through the hair there. "I missed you so much," he said, nuzzling at Rodney's neck.

Rodney stroked Carson's moving hand slowly. "I missed you too," he admitted. "I wished I was here with you."

"You had to be where you were. Losing the ZedPM, I don't know how we're going to be able to mount any kind of realistic defense without one."

His gut knotted. "I know. First priority for all Gate teams right now is finding and securing an Alpha site for us to fall back to if the Wraith take the city."

"No search for a ZedPM?"

"Of course we're going to keep looking. We're not that insane. It's just that we can try to establish an Alpha site while we're at it. And naquadah. We're looking for potential naquadah deposits as well. If we can find some, we might be able to make more generators and get the shields up. But... three weeks. God, that's just not enough time."

Rodney shivered at the thought of just how little time that actually was. His mind filled with scenarios of doom and disaster, and images of Abrams and Gall sucked dry by the Wraith. He opened his eyes, needing to look at Carson.

His lover was still a little pale, eyes half-closed as his finger continued tracing patterns on Rodney's chest. He tried to focus on the feeling of that movement, hoping it would still the terror that was building in him.

"And you'll be offworld or working every waking moment from now 'til then, won't you?" Carson said. "Pushing yourself until you break from it."

"There's nothing else I can do. I can't sit and do nothing with three Hiveships on their way. Every minute is going to count, believe me."

Carson kissed his ear. "Then I suppose we'd best try to sleep. I doubt we'll be getting much from now on."

Returning the kiss, Rodney held Carson close and closed his eyes.

~~pau~~

Czech in the story:

Milacku -- my true love

Zatracene -- shit

Vsichni jsou to blbci! -- They are all idiots!