Series: Moments Sacred and Profane - Season Two

Title: MSP24: Third Law

Author: Mice

Email: just_us_mice@yahoo.com

Category: Stargate: Atlantis, McKay/Beckett

Warnings: slash, angst

Spoilers: Trinity

Rating: NC17

Summary: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Rodney thought he'd graduated to post-Newtonian physics.

Archive: If it's on your list, you can archive it. If it isn't and you'd like it, just let me know where you're putting it.

Feedback: Feed me, Seymour.

Website: Mice's Hole in the Wall https://www.squidge.org/mice

Mirror: http://mice.inkpress.org

Disclaimer: Not mine. They belong to many other people. But if they were mine, they'd be having very interesting adventures.

Author's Notes: For Anndie, the best minion a Mice could have. Happy very late birthday, from your Evil Overlord. Fanfic 100 prompt School. Brilliant beta by SGAtlantislight, Fififolle, Heuradys, and Pasparadox.

~~~~

& you are brave

& you are sweeping

& precision carries you

like a dream

& your target is relevant

& your target is deceptive

& you think you can't get blinded

in a desert storm

~~Anne Waldman -- from Millennium Sutras: Tormiento Del Deserto~~

"He is impossible!" Radek bellowed. "He is going to kill himself, and there is *nothing* I can do!"

Carson hurried after him to the control room, panic rising. "Why hasn't the Colonel talked sense into him?"

"Because he is military, just like Colonel Caldwell. You know that Colonel Caldwell encouraged this! Encouraged Dr. Weir to approve it! Weapons against the Wraith, he says! Do you have any idea what Rodney said to me?" Radek's voice rose with his anger and distress.

Carson's chest tightened and he ran, breathless, with Radek cutting a swath of technicians before him. Chuck Riordan looked up from the control console, worry on his face and in his tight shoulders.

"He accused me of having *professional jealousy* instead of being concerned for his *life*! His calculations are *wrong*, Carson! No good can come of this!" Radek skidded to a halt next to the console and he snapped at Sgt. Riordan. "Well? What is happening now?"

"It's bad, Doc." The young Canadian shook his head. "I've lost contact with the facility and we had to shut the Gate down. I think the place is going up. I just hope the Daedalus can get them out of the mess."

"The Daedalus is there?" Carson felt a little hope. He'd known when Rodney and Sheppard left for Doranda the second time that the risks were very high, but he'd not been able to talk Rodney out of going again.

"Keep trying," Elizabeth said. Her weight was on the console, her body pointed toward the Gate like a needle to true north. "Get the Daedalus for me."

"Trying, Ma'am," Chuck said, his hands playing a frantic tattoo on the comms panel. "Daedalus, come in. What's your status?" There was nothing but static on the channel, and Carson wrapped his arms around himself, trying to stave off the cold terror that Rodney wouldn't be coming home this time.

"Can we--" Elizabeth started, but the lights on the Gate interrupted her.

"Unscheduled offworld activation!" Chuck snapped. The Gate's puddle gushed, and he tilted his head. "Colonel Sheppard." His hands were already moving to drop the shield.

The Jumper came through and Sheppard's shout of, "Shut it down, shut it down!" filled the control room. Chuck raised the shield and everything went blinding white.

Carson blinked away the spots in his eyes as the Gate shut down. Everyone was stunned into silence for a long moment as the Jumper rose into the bay above.

"What just happened?" Elizabeth asked.

"I think we will find out momentarily," Radek said.

"Can you raise the Daedalus?" she asked, her attention on Sgt. Riordan. He nodded.

"Yeah, they made the jump to hyperspace. Colonel Caldwell reports no damage to the ship."

She relaxed, but Carson couldn't. He needed to know what had happened, and whether Rodney or Col. Sheppard were injured. He didn't bother to wait for anything else, but ran for the Jumper bay.

The Jumper's hatch was opening as Carson entered the bay. He hurried in, hearing the heavy footfalls of others running behind him. "Rodney? Colonel?"

The two turned to him, pale as ghosts, and silent. "Rodney?" Carson whispered. "What happened?" He took a few steps forward as the others stopped behind him.

"I think..." Rodney said, then licked his lips and swallowed. "I think I just blew up a solar system."

***

Carson examined Rodney in near silence, listening to his racing heartbeat. His blood pressure was very high, but after what had happened, it wasn't surprising. He'd heard Elizabeth shouting at him from her office. By this time, of course, most of Atlantis had probably heard.

"I only corrected her for the sake of accuracy," Rodney said. He looked beaten.

"It didn't matter," Carson told him. He drew some blood, trying to keep himself together. "You almost died."

"And she didn't have to do it in front of everyone like that." He shook his head. "You think blowing up five sixths of a solar system isn't humiliating enough?"

Carson started to say something but shook his head and closed his mouth instead. He was entirely at a loss, not even knowing how to react. He put the blood sample in a tray for later analysis and patted the scanner table. "Lie down. I need to see if you've sustained any radiation damage."

"Oh, god, I hadn't... do you think?" Rodney's eyes widened as he lay on the table. "I really, really don't want to go through that again."

He looked at the readings. "No, mo leannan," he said softly. "You're fine."

Rodney slumped, his eyes closing. "Oh, thank god." He took a deep breath. "I really don't think I could have gone through that again."

Carson rested one hand in the center of Rodney's chest, just feeling the warmth of him, still alive, his heart beating. It was almost too much. "Nor I."

Rodney looked up at him, staying silent for a long moment. "I... I guess I should go get dressed."

"Aye, so you should. I need to see to the Colonel." He moved his hand, holding it out to Rodney to help him up from the scanner's bed. "With any luck, he'll not have been harmed either."

Five-sixths of a solar system. It was too horrific to contemplate. Rodney, Sheppard -- everything -- would have been reduced to stray atoms. Carson held his breath as he left Rodney to get dressed.

***

Geoff Osbourne stood and watched as Radek paced around their quarters, muttering to himself in swift, quiet Czech. "You did everything you could," he said. "Please, milacku, you need to calm down."

"I cannot," Radek said, frustration in every line and angle of his body. His hands fluttered near his head, blue eyes wide and upset. "I swear to you; I do not understand him. I thought I did -- I thought he was my friend, Geoff, but I don't."

"Come here." Geoff held his arms open, inviting Radek to step into them. After a moment's hesitation, he did, and Geoff could feel him shaking.

"I don't know what to do. I have no idea what to say to him. I am so angry with him, but... muj boze, he was going to kill himself." Radek's voice faded and he choked, his fingers clenching hard in Geoff's shirt.

"I think he honestly believed he was right." Geoff nuzzled Radek's hair. It was wilder than usual. Radek been running his hands through it restlessly since he'd got in. Geoff thought he might be trying hard not to pull it out. "Maybe this will help tame his ego a little."

Radek tilted his head back, glaring at Geoff. "Of course he believed he was right! But he had no right to say what he did -- no right to accuse me of putting my pride before his *life*." Radek was almost vibrating with his anger and it worried Geoff. He'd had his own problems with Rodney, but he'd been trying to put it behind him. It was hard in the face of this, of how he'd hurt Radek.

Geoff took a deep breath, trying to control his own emotions. Getting angry wouldn't help right now. "Please, Radek, just close your eyes and--" There was a knock on the door, and Geoff knew in his gut that it had to be Rodney. It couldn't be anyone else. Just what they needed. "Come in," he snapped.

The door opened with its characteristic soft sound and, as he'd suspected, Rodney stood there. He looked genuinely contrite. Geoff was relieved. Unfortunately, that didn't seem to register on Radek, who jerked out of his arms and launched himself at the man.

"You!" Radek shouted. "You! How *dare* you!" He jabbed a finger in Rodney's face. Rodney stood his ground but his body tilted back away from the accusing digit.

"Radek--" Rodney's hands went up in a defensive gesture.

"You think I would throw your life away out of *jealousy*?" Radek poked Rodney in the chest and Rodney's mouth opened and closed a couple of times as Radek continued shouting. "You think I value your life and our friendship so little? You think so little of me that you reject my advice to serve your own ego?"

Rodney took a step back into the hallway. "Radek," Geoff said, and Radek growled but looked back at him. "I think it's better to have this conversation inside, with the door closed."

Radek snorted, but he nodded and took a few steps back. Rodney followed him hesitantly into the room and the door closed. "I-I came to apologize," he started, but Radek wasn't going to let him get a word in now that he had the man standing before him.

"Does your own life have no value to you?" Radek shouted. "Does Carson mean nothing to you at all? You -- going off and killing yourself and leaving us behind! Telling me my advice is worthless and now you have no value even on the fact that you are my *friend* and that I care about you, zkurvysyn! Stupid, stubborn fool!" He tossed his hands over his head with an exasperated sound.

To his credit, Rodney simply stood there, letting Radek shout. It was probably better that way, and Geoff knew that fighting back at this point would only make things worse. Radek descended into a lightning string of Czech curses that Geoff was just as glad Rodney didn't understand, though he felt them quite appropriate to the situation.

"And you," Radek bellowed, "what do you have to say for yourself?" He dropped his fists to his hips and glared at Rodney as though the glance might disintegrate him.

Rodney blinked and swallowed, licking his lips. "I, uh... I'm sorry. You were right." He paused, waiting for Radek to shout again, but Radek just stood there waiting.

"It's gonna take more than that, Rodney," Geoff said quietly. Rodney looked at him, shocked, as though he'd forgotten Geoff was in the room.

With a slight startle, Rodney nodded. "Yes, yes, of course. I know. I just... I'm no good with this apology thing, and I know I was wrong and -- oh my god, I can't believe what I did." He looked back at Radek. "I should have listened to you. I just, it was -- you know how valuable this could have been if it had worked, Radek. We could have--"

Radek held up a hand. "No, I don't want excuses. Of course it would have been good -- *if it had worked* -- but it did not! And you almost got yourself and Colonel Sheppard killed, Rodney. I never thought you were a fool until today."

Rodney paled. "Okay, yeah, so I deserve that. It was stupid and I let my enthusiasm blind me, but Radek, you know the kind of risks we're always taking."

"You treated me like I meant nothing to you, like I was not even your friend," Radek said, looking more upset than Geoff thought he had ever seen him. "Do you really wish that I should go back to Earth with the next Daedalus rotation?"

Rodney's eyes widened, shock-blue. "What? No! What? Go back to Earth, are you *insane*? Of course you can't go back to Earth -- I need you here!" He stepped toward Radek, taking one arm. "That's nuts! Of course you're still my friend. I mean..." He took a harsh breath. "Aren't you?"

Radek stared at him for a long moment, and Geoff wondered what his lover's answer would be. Finally, Radek sighed and put his hand over Rodney's. "Yes, but you have hurt me far more than I thought you ever could, and I'm not sure if I can forgive you for that."

"I'm sorry," Rodney whispered. "You have no idea how sorry I am. I wish I'd never said any of it."

"So do I," Radek muttered. "I just... this is going to take time, Rodney." He let go of Rodney's hand. "I never thought you could say such things to me. Insult my intelligence, yes, on a daily basis -- but to question my loyalty to you? That is beyond my comprehension."

Geoff was tempted to move closer, wanting to protect Radek somehow, but his lover was holding his own, as he always did. Geoff knew that part of that desire was due to his own issues, but it didn't diminish the feeling at all. "Radek has never been anything but your best friend, Rodney," he said.

Rodney's face crumbled. "I know," he said. He looked over at Geoff. "I don't know what to do anymore. I thought..." He looked back at Radek. "I thought that maybe, if... if we could get it to work, that..." he stopped for a moment, obviously struggling to speak. "Losing Collins was... we've lost so many people. I just... I wanted that loss to mean something. I wanted his work to continue. I thought..."

"That was your problem, Rodney -- you did not *think*." Radek's eyes closed and he bowed his head. "It was an accident. As you said, there are risks in what we do."

"But it should have worked," Rodney whispered. "I'm so, so sorry."

"I know." Radek took Rodney's wrist. "Come. Sit down. I no longer have any idea what to think, nor do I believe you do."

Geoff followed them to the couch and they all sat. He pressed his leg against Radek's, offering silent support. Rodney and Radek didn't look at each other.

"I don't really deserve a friend like you," Rodney mumbled.

Radek snorted. "Shut up, Rodney. I am your friend, god help me, so we must deal with this as best we can."

"Carson's gonna kill me." Rodney buried his face in his hands.

"Highly unlikely," Geoff said. "He might make you sleep on the couch, but he's probably just as relieved you're still alive as the rest of us."

Rodney looked over at him. "And really? I'm surprised you haven't formed a lynch mob."

"Don't tempt me." Geoff shook his head. He rested a hand on Radek's back. "I'm really pissed at you for treating Radek like that, but like he said, we're still your friends."

"This will take time, Rodney," Radek added. "I cannot just put this behind me today."

"But... you'll give me time, right?" Rodney looked desperate, and Geoff almost felt sorry for him.

"Ano, yes." Radek sighed and rested his hand on Rodney's knee. "I am probably an idiot for doing so, but yes." He looked away. "I do not think I could imagine my life without you here."

Rodney's mouth crooked into a tentative smile. "Really?"

Radek snorted and glared at him. "Do not push your luck."

"Right, yeah. Not pushing." Rodney leaned away from Radek just a little. He paused then said. "I really am sorry, Radek. I didn't mean it."

"I know," Radek whispered. "And that is why it hurts so much."

"I, um, I should probably go," Rodney said. "I still have... I have to apologize to the Colonel. And Carson. God, I have to apologize to Carson." He gave them a worried look. "I don't even know if..." He stopped and got up abruptly. "I have to go."

"I will see you later, Rodney," Radek said. They both watched as Rodney left. Radek leaned back into the couch with a silent sigh. Geoff put an arm around him, holding him close, and they sat for a very long time.

***

Trust. It really all boiled down to a loss of trust, and Rodney wasn't sure he could endure having lost Sheppard's. Actually, he wasn't sure he still had his own -- and he still had to talk to Carson.

He stared out the window of the music room. He'd been there for hours, avoiding everyone. He knew Carson was upset with him, but at least it looked like he could salvage his friendship with Radek and Geoff. What he'd done to Radek still ached inside him, churning in his guts. He'd skipped dinner because of the nausea before talking to Sheppard.

Rodney knew he'd been avoiding Carson all day, but the exam after they'd got back had been tense, and Carson wasn't usually so quiet when he'd hurt himself. There hadn't even been a lecture. It was unnerving.

Closing his eyes, he rested his forehead against the cold window. What if he lost Carson because of this? What if Carson had decided he was too much trouble; that he wasn't worth loving or living with? It wasn't like Rodney had a lot of experience with the whole being in a relationship thing. Carson was really his only measure of it, and the longer it went on, the more complicated it got. He wondered if he'd still have a fiance when he got home.

The smooth surface was cool under his palm. Rodney refused to let himself cry. So he'd lost Sheppard's trust. He didn't know yet if he'd lost Carson. Feeling this adrift and upset was stupid. He could get Sheppard's trust back. Sheppard told him he could. Then again, he could have been lying just to save himself the trouble of dealing with the situation. But that --- he still had to work with Sheppard, still had to be on his team.

Oh, god, it was a terrible mess.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid," he muttered to himself, thumping his forehead against the window. "God, you're stupid."

With a harsh sigh, he pulled himself away from the window. "Okay, still the smartest man in two galaxies, but damn." Why the hell couldn't genius translate into common sense? At moments like this, he knew he needed it.

Carson. He still had to face Carson, and that wasn't going to go away. Bracing himself, he headed home.

***

Carson shifted restlessly, tossing the medical journal to the floor next to the bed. "Bloody hell," he muttered. Nothing he did distracted him, and he was getting worried. Rodney hadn't answered any of his radio calls, but then, he had been planning to spend time apologizing to Radek and Colonel Sheppard. No doubt that would be a painful process.

He rose from the bed and went into the living room, padding softly in stocking feet. With a sigh, he stared at the little kitchen, wondering if he could eat. He'd barely nibbled at his mid-day meal, and he'd not gone to the mess hall for supper. His stomach ached, a heaviness in his chest the strongest sensation in him.

Food didn't appeal. Instead, he put the kettle on. Tapping his radio, he called for Rodney again, but there was no answer. His heart sank a little more and he sat heavily at the table, waiting for the water to boil.

When the door slid open, Carson looked up with a start. "Rodney?"

"Yeah. Just me." Rodney entered slowly, looking like he carried the weight of the galaxy on his shoulders.

"Where have you been? I couldn't raise you."

Rodney's mouth twisted into an embarrassed expression. He pulled his earpiece from his pocket. "I, uh, didn't want Elizabeth to call me again. Once today was enough."

Carson nodded, silent. He could hear the water nearing the boil and got up to prepare his pot and cup. "Carson?" Rodney asked.

"I'm making tea," he said. "Do you want some?" He could hardly bring himself to look at Rodney. His emotions were too confused. He should be angry. He should be ecstatic that Rodney was still alive. Mostly he felt numb, unable to process any of it. Rodney standing there was a miracle.

"No." Rodney sounded distressed. "Carson, would you... could you please look at me?"

He poured hot water into the empty teapot and his cup to warm them then turned to Rodney. "I don't know what to say."

Rodney swallowed hard. Carson could see his adam's apple bob, his hands clenching and unclenching. "Please," Rodney said. "Just... just talk to me. Are we okay?" His voice fell, soft now. "Should I stay here tonight?"

Carson blinked. "Rodney?" He stepped around the table over to his lover, heart hammering. "Rodney, why would you think you should leave?"

"I blew up five sixths of a solar system, Carson. The Colonel doesn't trust me anymore. Why should you?" He saw genuine fear in Rodney's eyes.

He reached out and took Rodney's hand. "Because I love you. You scared me more than you can imagine, Rodney, but I still love you." He squeezed Rodney's hand, dropping it. "I have no idea what to say to you, but I'll not put you out of our bed."

Rodney's tension dropped out of him. "Oh, thank god."

"But you're not off the hook, mo leannan. I just... I can't believe what you did." He took a deep breath and turned away, putting tea in the pot to steep. "I can't believe how you treated Radek, and that you'd leave me like that." He struggled not to stammer the words. "I can't believe you'd kill yourself like that, Rodney; that you'd leave me alone like that."

"I didn't leave you," Rodney said softly. "I didn't. I'm here."

Carson turned sharply, snapping, "You had no concern for yourself or for the Colonel, nor for me." He took a breath, trying to control himself. "I know what you were tryin' to do, but my god, man, you've got to know how dangerous that was! You've got to know what losing you would do to me -- what it would do to all of us!"

Rodney was pale at Carson's harsh, quiet words. "Carson, I'm sorry."

"I don't know what to do anymore," Carson continued. "It's not that I've never made terrible mistakes myself. I mean, Hoff -- I can never forgive myself for that, Rodney, but this was... I can only thank god the system was uninhabited! And you--" He stopped, choking on the words. "And you..."

"Carson." Rodney stepped forward and took Carson into his arms. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry. I never meant to put you through that. I just wanted to find a way to deal with the Wraith. I wanted to save us. I wanted... I never wanted to hurt you."

Carson burrowed into Rodney's embrace, burying his face in his lover's shoulder. "Rodney," he whispered, "Rodney, you're the most colossal arse in this or any other galaxy, but you're alive. You're here with me." He took a deep, shuddering breath. "And if you ever do anything so bloody foolish again, I'll kill you myself."

Rodney didn't say anything else. Carson could feel him shaking a little, his own body trembling as well. He dug his fingers into Rodney's shoulders, breathing him in as he nuzzled in the curve of Rodney's neck. Rodney's hands moved slowly on Carson's back and sides. They were warm on his body and he needed this so much. How many times had he almost lost Rodney? And how many more times would the man slip death's fingers by a last second miracle? "I love you," Carson whispered, his lips moving on Rodney's skin. "Don't you ever do this to me again."

The fingers of Rodney's left hand trailed up Carson's back and over the nape of his neck, tangling in his short hair. He shivered at the sensation, desperate for something normal after the utter horror of what could have been. Rodney nuzzled his temple, warm breath in his ear, and he shivered.

Rodney's nuzzle became more insistent and Carson turned his face to him. Rodney's lips were warm and soft and he opened his mouth to the kiss, only glad that Rodney had come home in one piece. The rest was too immense to understand. He realized he'd probably be angry tomorrow, but for now, Rodney's arms around him was all he wanted.

His desperate kisses were punctuated by soft repetitions of "sorry, I'm sorry." Carson held him tight and close, eyes closed. He didn't care about the apologies. The heat of Rodney's mouth caught and sparked in his chest, growing within him.

Carson let Rodney's bulk press against him, steering him back to their bedroom. Rodney's hands tugged at his clothing, pulling his shirt from him. His fingers found Rodney's waistband, opening the button and slipping the zipper down. "Please," Rodney whispered. "I need you."

Rodney's hand slipped into his trousers, cupping the curve of his ass. His hand was warm, his fingers slightly calloused. It was all so familiar, so necessary. Carson had come far too close to never having this again. Pain sparked in him, thinking about it. It made his breath catch and he sucked at Rodney's neck, tasting his skin. Rodney gasped softly at the sensation.

The bed against the back of his legs startled Carson for a moment, and he lost his balance, falling back. Rodney collapsed atop him, holding him down with his body. It was intense and Carson fisted his hands in Rodney's shirt as Rodney's hands moved on his naked sides.

They shifted, all elbows and knees, and Rodney ended up between Carson's thighs, rubbing against him through their trousers. "Need you," Rodney whispered again. "Carson."

Stripping each other was slow and inefficient, but Carson didn't care. Rodney's heated skin against him was everything he needed right now. His world was narrowed to the two of them, the rough coverlet on the bed, the cool, smooth sheets. Rodney moaned into his ear and Carson's own voice sounded in the close air of the room.

He wrapped himself around Rodney's body, their movements together slow and gentle. It was what Carson needed. The rasp of Rodney's stubble on Carson's neck stung, heightening everything else. Rodney was hard against him, but Carson was too upset to react in the same way. Still, it felt good, that hot, hard shaft against him, tucked in the crook of his groin. Rodney gave a soft whimper, thrusting his hips against him.

The stale scent of terror still clung to him, bitter in Carson's nose, but Rodney's arousal was stronger. Carson's heart thundered in his chest and he held Rodney to him with his legs, tugging him closer.

Rodney took Carson's hand, pinning it to the bed next to his head, their fingers twined. He raised his face and Carson looked up into his eyes in the low light of the room. "You scared the life out of me," Carson said. Rodney's eyes were haunted.

"I know."

"How could you do that?"

Rodney's cock was slick now, leaking, and he took a deep breath as he used his weight, thrusting hard and slow against Carson's body. "Need you," he said simply. "I just..." His weight shifted and Carson could feel the thick head of his lover's cock pressing into him. He closed his eyes, head falling back, and Rodney entered him. It tore a cry from deep in Carson's chest, half discomfort, half desperate need.

What little erection he had wilted, but he pulled Rodney into him hard, aching for this. They moved together, rough and silent but for quiet groans and cries and the slap of Rodney's balls against his skin.

There were no words for what Carson felt. He was lost in their joining, unable even to think now. Rodney thrust into him, deeper than Carson could imagine. It was like he was trying to climb inside, to vanish within him, all heat and darkness. His hands moved restlessly on Carson's shoulders and his mouth was busy at Carson's throat, nipping and sucking and making incoherent sounds. There was wetness and the taste of salt and Carson didn't know if it was sweat or tears, or whose it might be. Not that it mattered.

He was here; Rodney was here, inside him, turning him inside out with need and fear and anger and relief and too many other things to sort, all thrown together in the chaos of Carson's body. It was too much and not enough and Carson bit down, drawing blood. Rodney gave a sharp cry, thrusting harder.

It was like a storm around and within him and Rodney came, shuddering in Carson's arms, his breath sobbing in and out. He collapsed on Carson, both of them shaking, tears on their faces. Carson reached over, silent, to brush away the trails on Rodney's cheeks. He wasn't sure if he could forgive the man, but he could at least love him. It was the only thing Carson was capable of.

***

"Thank you for coming, gentlemen," Elizabeth said, folding her hands before her on her desk. "I think you know why you're both here this morning." Sheppard and Caldwell both nodded.

"Debriefing and damage control," Sheppard said. Caldwell just gave her an uncomfortable look.

With a sigh, Elizabeth leaned back in her chair. She looked at Sheppard. "Why did you let him talk you into it, John? Didn't you understand the risks you were taking?"

"He was sure he could do it," Sheppard said. "He... he asked me to trust him. He's never done that before. Ever. And I did. I mean, I do, but... well, it's kinda dented right now."

She nodded at Sheppard and turned to speak to Caldwell. "I'm glad you were there, Colonel Caldwell, but I don't understand why I wasn't informed beforehand." It had left her with a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach. She had her suspicions about the Pentagon.

Caldwell looked her in the eye, steady but shifting slightly in his seat. "I have standing orders to obtain any advanced weaponry possible for fighting the Wraith, and a likely impending war with the Ori."

"And those orders included keeping me in the dark?" She could feel her anger rising but kept an icy calm in her outward demeanor. "Spying on my people?"

"He *did* sorta save our lives," Sheppard said, raising one hand and waving his fingers at her.

"Yes, and I will admit I'm relieved the Daedalus was on hand for that." She turned her attention back to Caldwell.

Caldwell shrugged. "If Dr. McKay hadn't gone back, the Pentagon would no doubt have assigned a military scientific team to the project to take over where he left off, with or without your cooperation." He paused for a moment, obviously uneasy. "To be honest, the disaster would most likely have been even larger. We could conceivably have lost that team, and the Daedalus to boot."

Elizabeth's gut went cold. "You have got to be kidding me. They'd have overridden our decision?"

"I'm sure they'd have seen it as a military decision, Elizabeth," Sheppard said. "Unfortunately, your opinion -- and Rodney's -- would have been irrelevant."

"As it is," Caldwell continued, "we only lost one person. The system was uninhabited. The weapon and the power system were destroyed, so there's no point in assigning blame here, or arguing about might-have-beens. It's over and done with, and we're lucky to still have Dr. McKay's expertise to rely on." Sheppard coughed into his fist. "And, uh, Colonel Sheppard," Caldwell added, obviously an afterthought.

Thought of in that light, it did put a different spin on yesterday's events, but Elizabeth was still angry, her jaw tense and aching. "This is true," she said, "but I would appreciate it if you would keep me in the loop from now on, Colonel. My not knowing what's happening can only put a strain on our working relationship."

"Understood, Ma'am," Caldwell said, nodding curtly, his brown eyes hard. "I do have a schedule to keep, and I'm a day behind as it is. If you'll excuse me?" He rose.

"Very well," she said. "Travel safely." She dismissed him with a wave of her hand and he left. Elizabeth turned to Sheppard. "What are we going to do about Rodney? And what am I going to do with you?"

Sheppard's eyes narrowed. "How about cut me some damned slack? You okayed the mission!"

"Don't tell me the two of you wouldn't have snuck off like a pair of five year olds if I hadn't," she snapped back at him. She couldn't help thinking about him going off half-cocked and dragging Teyla with him when the nanovirus was loose in the city. "Can I even trust you to follow my advice or my orders anymore?"

"Well, sometimes I think you're wrong," he drawled, a certain laconic anger in his posture and his voice.

"And you should tell me, rather than simply ignoring me and going behind my back. I'm supposed to be the one in charge of this expedition! I make the decisions I do because they're what I feel is best for Atlantis, best for the expedition, and best for the people who are a part of it. I'm the one who has to send the death notices home, John, in case you hadn't noticed!"

And that was really the heart of it, she realized. Dealing with all the deaths. Dealing with telling the families. Sheppard's head jerked back at her raw emotion. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice suddenly contrite. "I know how shitty a job that is. I've had to send a few myself, remember? We're both on the same side here."

With a sigh, Elizabeth slowly let her tense muscles unclench. "At least, I thought we were. There are moments, though..." She took a deep breath and blinked, willing the knot in her gut away. "Yes, I approved your mission with Rodney, but I felt I had no choice. Do you understand that? Do you really understand why?"

Sheppard relaxed slightly as well. "Fighting the Wraith is taking its toll on all of us," he said quietly. "Some more than others. I'm not your enemy, Elizabeth. I'm doing the best I can to find ways to keep all of us alive. And you have to understand that, too."

She twined her fingers together on her desk and looked down at her hands. "I know," she said. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry any of this happened. I just wish I could count on your cooperation more often."

She heard Sheppard's sigh. "Yeah, I know. I'll try to do better, okay?" When she looked up, he was smiling tentatively at her. She nodded.

"Okay," she said, resigned. "So will I."

***

Geoff stared into his scrambled eggs. "Why do you love him?" he asked.

Radek blinked at him, then sighed. That really was the question, because by all rights, he should not love such an aggravating, egotistical, arrogant man. "I don't know," he said. Geoff looked up at him, the question still in his blue eyes.

"It's okay that you do, but I mean, he's just... he's so... Rodney." He brushed a hand over his beard, wiping stray crumbs of toast away.

Radek shrugged. "Perhaps that is why." He blew out a breath and sipped at his coffee. "It is... Have you ever met someone whose thoughts you knew so well that you shared them?"

Geoff gave him a tiny smile. "Yeah," he said. "You."

Radek smiled back at him, love filling him. "Yes, yes, but this is not exactly what I meant." He waved his fork in an arc. "With Rodney, it is the work, you know? Everything -- the precision, the equations, the ideas that come from nowhere, and yet they are on our tongues at the same time."

"Yeah." Geoff nodded. "I've seen you two at it. It's frightening. I keep wondering which of you has the brain today."

"But that -- it is not love, you know?"

Geoff shook his head. "No, of course not. But what is, then?"

There was a long pause as Radek thought. Perhaps too many hours in the man's presence had made him more insane than usual. "I am not a philosopher."

"No, but you're a man in love. I see it every time you're near him these days, and I hate how it lets him hurt you sometimes." Geoff frowned, his forehead wrinkling. "I still can't believe he said those things to you."

"No. I think, neither can he." Radek took a bite of his toast and eggs, chewing slowly. "I know he is Carson's, but I find I cannot help but be in love with him. How I feel, it frightens me sometimes. I hardly dare to touch him, because..." He sighed softly. "He burns."

"It's not going to go away, is it, milacku?"

Radek was unsure if Geoff sounded resigned or resentful. He shook his head. "I do not think so. No more than what I feel for you is going to go away. I have got too close to him. He is inescapable."

Geoff snorted. "Like a sucking black hole." His mouth wrinkled in a crooked smile, a little glint of white teeth. Resignation then, not resentment.

"Yes," Radek said, nodding and sipping at his coffee again. "Very much so. Once in his orbit, I think nothing really escapes. Look at Carson."

Geoff's eyes softened at his name. "Yeah." He chuckled quietly. "We are a hell of a pair, aren't we?" He pushed his empty plate back and leaned his elbows on the table. "I just don't like to see you hurt. I keep wanting to protect you, and I know I can't." He reached across the table and took Radek's wrist. Radek set his fork down and slipped his hand into Geoff's. It was warm and calloused, strong. "Please be careful, that's all I ask."

"He never does it with intent."

A shadow passed through Geoff's eyes. "I know. That's what bothers me."

Radek sighed and squeezed Geoff's hand. Perhaps he was right. "I will talk to Carson today. Perhaps you should as well. I know he was very upset yesterday, and I have not seen him since the Gateroom."

Geoff nodded. "I'll try to catch up with him too. He probably needs someplace safe to vent if he doesn't want to take it all out on Rodney."

"No doubt. This cannot be easy for either of them. Rodney is so oblivious sometimes."

Geoff's grin returned. "All the time."

Radek chuckled. "Yes, I suppose it is so."

Geoff stood, tugging on Radek's hand. "So, I hear there's a shower in the other room." He grinned an evil grin. It was the sort of evil grin Radek particularly loved. "Care to join me?"

Radek's grin mirrored his own. "Oh, yes. I think that would be a lovely thing to start the day." They shed their robes as they entered the bathroom and Geoff turned on the water.

"Come on, in you go," Geoff said, gesturing. Radek got in first, savoring the warmth and the comforting beat of the water on his skin.

"And what did you have in mind?" Radek asked, smiling as Geoff joined him. His lover was about the same height as Carson, though fairly slender. His blue eyes were gentle, with a hint of mischief in them, and he grinned back at Radek. Geoff's arms slipped around him and they kissed, warm and deep and soft. Radek hummed happily into the kiss, letting Geoff's tongue into his mouth.

"Miluju te," Geoff whispered a long moment later, his lips moving against Radek's. His beard tickled slightly. Radek felt Geoff's hands moving up his sides, tracing along his arms, taking his wrists. "Put your hands up," he said, his voice soft and insistent. "Just hold the shower head. Don't move. Just let me play with you."

Radek did as he was told, grasping the slick, crystalline fixture. Geoff's foot nudged his ankles, so he spread his legs a bit. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back against the wall behind him and just let himself feel.

Geoff was so good at drawing sensation from Radek's body. Radek gasped softly as Geoff's lips closed over a nipple, sucking gently. When the sucking became a nip, Radek tensed slightly, his cock rising as water cascaded down his body. "Ano," he whispered, "please, more."

Geoff's hands moved through the thick hair on Radek's chest, teasing as Geoff kissed and nipped his other nipple. Pleasure shot through him and he moaned, his cock growing steadily harder. Radek resisted the urge to reach down and tangle his fingers in Geoff's greying brown hair.

"That's it," Geoff said, his voice quiet under the sound of falling water. "Just hold on. Don't move. Just feel it all. I don't want you to come until I tell you." His fingers were tracing ticklish lines down Radek's side, following the trail of the water on his skin, and Radek shivered. "Oh, yeah, that's nice." Geoff nuzzled at Radek's throat, licking there, his hand teasing at Radek's balls.

For just a moment, Radek let himself imagine it was Rodney touching him, teasing him, and he gasped, hard and excited. Looking down, he watched as Geoff took him into his mouth, and then there was heat and suction and Geoff's hot, clever tongue teasing into the slit. The sensation was rich and shimmered through him like heat waves in the desert, and Radek could barely breathe through it.

Geoff held the base of Radek's shaft tight, swirling his tongue under the foreskin, and Radek moaned. "Please," he begged, wanting everything. Geoff said nothing but sucked Radek in to the root, swallowing him, and Radek cried out sharply.

His hands tightened on the showerhead, fingers aching with the need to keep still for his lover. Geoff's hands held his hips in place and his head bobbed as he sucked Radek hard. It took all Radek's focus to keep from coming and he panted, harsh, his mouth open so he could keep breathing.

The water and Geoff's mouth and his hands on Radek's hips had him in overload, buzzing and dizzy with the stimulation. Water fell everywhere, teasing his body, running through the hair on his chest and belly and down his legs. The heat of Geoff's mouth took him deep, again and again, and Radek shouted, squeezing his eyes shut to block out everything but the sensation. He teetered on the edge, holding on with nothing more than will as Geoff fucked his cock with his mouth.

Geoff pulled back a moment later, keeping only the head of Radek's cock in his mouth, sucking hard as he squeezed Radek's balls gently to keep him from exploding. Radek was gasping for breath now, his chest heaving, barely in control. "Turn around," Geoff told him, his voice harsh in Radek's ear. Radek startled because he hadn't realized Geoff had risen. He turned as Geoff ordered, his palms flat against the wall of the shower, and spread his legs. Geoff slapped his ass, firm but gentle, and Radek flinched, loving the way the sting danced in his body.

He watched, his vision blurry as Geoff slicked himself with the lube they kept in the shower for moments like this. Closing his eyes again, he let his head fall. The thick head of Geoff's cock pressed against his anus and he opened, letting Geoff in with one long, deep stroke. Radek cried out again from the intensity of the pleasure he felt. "That's right," Geoff said, hands on his hips, leaning over Radek's back. "I'm gonna take you hard, milacku. Don't come yet. I want you to stroke yourself, but don't come yet."

Radek nodded, still gasping, and took himself in hand as Geoff began thrusting into him, hard and sharp. Pleasure burned in him, overwhelming him as he squeezed his shaft tight, trying to keep himself under control. It took a moment, and Radek started jerking himself, not bothering to follow Geoff's rhythm. It was good, so good, and Geoff's breath against his shoulder added to the depth of sensation. Geoff's cock was long and slender, like he was, and he filled Radek deeply, brushing over the sweet spot within. Radek's body was a shower of sparks under his lover, and still he held back.

"Radek," Geoff gasped as he pounded into him, "Radek, feel it. Pretend it's... uh... pretend it's Rodney." Radek shuddered at the thought, barely managing to hold on. "Pretend he's fucking you, and let yourself come."

Radek lost himself then, imagining that tall, broad body over his, letting himself think of Rodney fucking him hard like this, taking him, making him come. With a harsh shout, Radek came in a long series of shudders, his legs barely able to hold him up as they trembled. "That's right," Geoff moaned. "Oh, yeah." And he was coming too, slamming into Radek and holding him tight, arms wrapped around Radek's chest, keeping him from dropping to his knees.

Finally, their breath stuttering, they both sank to the floor of the shower, Geoff holding Radek close in his arms. "Oh, god, you are so good," Geoff whispered. "That was fabulous." He kissed Radek's neck, nipping lightly, and Radek just lay there, limp, letting Geoff hold him.

"Dekuju, milacku," Radek murmured. He panted, catching his breath as the water fell on them both.

***

Carson sighed and pulled back from his microscope, rolling his shoulders to loosen them. He was hard at work developing a retrovirus that he hoped might strip the Iratus bug DNA from Wraith genetics, leaving them human. That DNA was, after all, what had mutated them originally. They'd been human once, ages ago. He rubbed his eyes and straightened up slowly, his back sore.

With luck and time, perhaps they could change their enemy. Perhaps it would be possible to win the war without genocide, without being forced to wipe out an entire species. He looked at his watch. It was past time for lunch, and he really needed a break. Carson was unsurprised that Rodney hadn't come for him today. He was still angry, but knowing what he'd done himself on Hoff, it was hard for him to take it out on his lover. So many of them had made terrible decisions, made horrifying errors here. This was just one more in a long series. As far as Carson was concerned, his first had probably been agreeing to come to Atlantis to begin with, but that -- it had brought him Rodney, so he couldn't see it as being wrong.

With a yawn, Carson stretched. His back popped and he winced. "Carol," he called out.

"Yeah?" Carol Bentz poked her head into the lab. "You gonna take a break, Carson?" There was concern in her brown eyes.

"Aye," he said. "I'm afraid I've entirely missed lunch. I'm feeling a bit peckish."

She watched as he moved toward the door. "Everything okay?" He knew she was asking about Rodney and the... incident.

"I don't know," he admitted. "I can't hardly wrap my brain about it. It's just... it's too big, you know?"

She nodded, waving a hand toward the door. "Yeah. I can only imagine. Get something to eat. I'll hold down the fort while you're gone."

"Right enough." He shook his head, trying to clear the cobwebs a bit and headed for the mess hall.

There were still a few people in the mess, a trickle of people off-shift or who had been delayed. Carson hadn't felt like heading home and cooking for himself. It would take too much time. Teyla saw him at the counter and waved him over when he'd filled a tray.

"I thought you'd gone offworld," Carson said. "Weren't you to be due back tomorrow?"

Her eyes darkened a bit. "Negotiations went more quickly than I thought they might. Ronon and I returned early."

"Oh, well then, that's good," he said.

Teyla sighed. "Ronon does not understand the... delicacies of negotiation." She gave him a vaguely annoyed look. "I may have some difficulty there later."

Carson blinked. "Oh. I'm sorry, then. I hope it wasn't too bad." He could only imagine what the immense man might be like in a diplomatic setting. The very idea made his brain hurt.

"It is done," she said, sounding resigned. "But I hear that things here were... unusually stressful while we were away."

"You might say that," Carson admitted. "Rodney's project went a bit pear-shaped." And if that wasn't the understatement of Carson's life, he wasn't sure what was.

Teyla gave him a puzzled look then just shook her head. "Is it true that an entire solar system was destroyed?"

"Only five sixths of one, but close enough," Carson said softly. "The Ancients abandoned the project because it was so unstable. Rodney -- well, he thought he was smarter than they were." He stared at his plate, watching the cheese on his vegetables congeal. "It was lucky that he and the Colonel survived. Only the Daedalus bein' there got them to the Gate so they could make it home."

"You are angry with Rodney," she said. Carson hadn't even realized how much his body had tightened as he spoke with her.

He nodded. "Aye, I am. It was such a terrible risk, and we could have lost him. We could have lost so many people. It's no' worth it, with all the destruction, but I can't hardly bring myself to say anything to him about it, with what happened when I went to Hoff." There was a vague headache behind his eyes, and his chest was tight, his heart beating a wee bit faster than it ought.

She tilted her head and gave him an odd look. "If we are to defeat the Wraith, risks are necessary." Teyla put a hand on his wrist. "I am sorry the weapon was not useful to us, and I understand your fear for him, but we must do whatever is necessary to rid ourselves of our ancient enemy. One uninhabited solar system is not too high a price to pay."

Carson sat back slowly, watching her, thinking about it. In a way, Teyla might be right, but the risk Rodney had taken was still too close. "I don't know what to say to him," he finally admitted. "It's a miracle he came home to me after this one, Teyla, but I can't believe he'd take such a risk, and I never want him to do anything like it again. He's just... he's too important to me." Fear choked him, halting his words for a moment. "I can't bear to lose him."

"You have not lost him," she said softly. "He did return to you. I am only sorry he could not give us such a powerful weapon against the Wraith."

"I don't like what this war is turning us into." Carson stabbed a forkful of vegetables. He stared at it for a moment before eating it, then looked back at her. "I know that you've grown up with this, that all your people, and all the people of this galaxy have been living under their shadow, but Teyla, I didn't." He gestured around the place with his now-empty fork. "None of us did. It's a kind of threat I barely understand, and being here, it's changing all of us. Some of it, I think it's making us better, stronger people, but other things... Well, other things, I think are taking us down into the dark, and that scares me."

"It is a delicate balance, to maintain our humanity and still fight against such a terrible enemy. Some days I, too, fear falling into it." She sighed. "But I do not believe that is what Rodney has done."

"I'm so angry with him for risking himself like that." Carson felt broken inside, knowing what could have happened.

"He must have believed very strongly that what he was doing would help."

"And when does he not? You know how he gets."

Her mouth twitched into a tiny smile. "Yes, I do. And sometimes it is unjustified, but most often, he does find the answer, no matter how carefully hidden it might be."

"I don't know what to do with him." Carson's stomach hurt. He wasn't sure he'd be able to eat much else.

"Tell him you are angry, but love him as you always have. I do not believe you have it in you to stay angry with him for long, despite his mistakes." She picked up her glass of juice and sipped at it. "He cares for you so much, Carson; I know that he does many things because he wants to make sure you are safe and protected."

"I worry about him so. I want him to be safe as well, and there's naught I can do to make sure of it." Carson tried to ignore his growing headache. It wouldn't help his research at all. "I know you all watch out for him when you're offworld, but every time he leaves, I'm afraid he won't be coming home to me. I'll not give him up because of it, but it's a strain sometimes." He sighed and reached out to pat Teyla's arm. "And I worry for you as well, my dear, and for all the others who go out every day so that we can pursue the mission. But I worry most for Rodney."

She smiled at him and Carson felt a weight lift from his shoulders. "It is only right that you worry for someone you love, and for your friends. But never forget that as often as not, it's Rodney who brings us all home safe."

Her words warmed him, giving him back a little of the confidence he'd lost in his lover. It was true -- Rodney was a brilliant man, and so often he'd save all of them. Project Arcturus was a failure, but it was a failure the Ancients had made long before the first civilizations had even risen on the Earth. He could hardly be blamed for that. His only mistake was his too-often justified overconfidence in his own abilities, and Carson wouldn't take that from him. Rodney needed that to survive here. It was part of what made him who and what he was.

"Thank you, luv," he told her. Maybe lunch wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

***

Rodney sat in their bedroom, waiting for Carson to get home. He knew his lover had been working hard today in the lab, but they'd not talked much. Things had been tense with Radek when he'd seen him, though Geoff had seemed more or less at ease. The hurt still haunting Radek's eyes bothered him, and Sheppard had been colder and more distant than usual.

He wiggled his toes under the covers, unable to let himself relax enough to turn out the lights. He couldn't even bring himself to just sit and read, though he had enough journal articles to pick over for insane stupidity to keep him occupied for half a lifetime. Carson had been quiet when they woke in the morning, and it hadn't gotten any better as the day progressed.

Last night he'd been more aggressive with Carson than usual, but it had seemed at the time that both of them needed it. He hoped he hadn't made a mistake there, too. Everything he'd ever done wrong was swimming in his head, and he was trying not to drown in it.

Though he tried to deny it, he was feeling singularly useless at the moment. People had walked around the labs on eggshells and it had been obvious enough that even he had noticed it. That, Rodney knew, was bad. He hoped it would stop soon. Nothing was comfortable now. The great Rodney McKay had made a mistake and Collins had died. He hated that, and hated himself for being the sort of person whose fuckups cost lives.

He heard the door open and Carson's quiet footsteps. "Carson?"

"Oh, there you are." Carson entered the bedroom. "I'm sorry I'm late. Work's been a right bugger today. I thought you'd be asleep."

Rodney slid down under the covers, lying down. "Couldn't sleep. I wasn't... I'm glad you're home."

Carson came over to the bed, crawling up onto it next to Rodney. "I'll admit I'm still angry, but I do love you." He kissed Rodney's forehead. "Teyla and I had a bit of a talk today, and I think it put a few things in perspective for me."

Rodney relaxed back into his pillow. "Okay. Good. I'm glad to hear it," he said nervously.

"I'm afraid of what this place is making us," Carson said. He reached out and stroked his hand through Rodney's hair. "I'm afraid of what it does to us, sometimes. I don't want to lose you love, and I don't want either of us to lose... our humanity, our compassion. I don't want to lose what makes us different from what we're fighting."

Rodney reached out to him, taking Carson in his arms. Carson lay next to him atop the covers. "I just want you to be safe," he said quietly. "I want to end this before we all die, before they find Earth."

"I know." Carson nuzzled his neck. "And that's why I can forgive you, even though I'm angry and afraid. I know you're doin' the best you can. We all make mistakes, mo leannan, it's just that most people don't make such big ones."

Rodney snorted. "Genius here," he said. "It takes incredible brilliance to fuck up that badly."

Carson's smile said everything Rodney needed to know.

~~pau~~

Czech in the story:

Milacku -- beloved

Muj boze -- my god

Ano -- yes

Zkurvysyn -- son of a bitch

Dekuju -- thank you

Gaelic in the story:

Mo leannan -- my love