Title: Tourney

Authors: Ladyhawk and Mice

Rating: PG13

Spoilers: None

Warnings: Put down your drinks or you'll choke. Hey, we warned you. Rated S for Silly.

Author Notes: For Tree, cuz she got good grades.

***

"None shall pass!" Ford shouted, standing in the middle of the hallway.

"What's got into him?" Carson asked from a safe distance away. The young lieutenant was brandishing a piece of pvc pipe like some medieval two-handed sword.

Rodney shook his head. "Nobody's quite sure, but he's been here for about the last fifteen minutes, totally convinced he's the Black Knight. He's waiting for Arthur and his Knights to show up or something."

"He kicked my ass," Kavanagh complained. "I was just trying to get to the mess hall!"

"Foul Knight," Ford shouted back, "you ran like a yellow dog!"

"Black Knight? He held off Kavanagh, call him Galahad!," Carson said, snickering.

"Yellow dog about covers Kavanagh," said Sheppard, who slowly approached Ford.

"What is your name?" Ford demanded. "What is your quest?"

"If he asks for his favourite colour," Rodney said, "I'm out of here."

"Or the capital of Assyria," Carson replied.

"Quiet down, you two. I take it Ford isn't talking any sense at all?" Sheppard assessed the situation carefully, but came up with little.

Kavanagh rubbed his butt. "I'm serious. Something's wrong here. People have been going wiggy for the last hour or so all around the station. It's like the set of Don Quixote around here."

"Rodney! I need your help here. See if you can grab the pipe." Sheppard slowly rounded to the back of Ford.

Ford turned with him, keeping an eye on Rodney as he approached as well. "You are no Knight, Sir! A Knight would not resort to such underhanded techniques of banditry!"

"Give me details, yellow dog," Sheppard snickered as he tried to grab Ford.

"You call me that again and I won't be answering anything," Kavanagh said. He glared at Sheppard.

"Okay Kavanagh, enough with the ego. I need to know what's effecting my people. What's happening?" He made a quick grab for Ford's 'sword,' but the lieutenant dodged and stepped back, brandishing the plastic pipe at Rodney.

Kavanagh growled. "Okay, okay. Zelenka was riding around on Markham's shoulders like he was some idiot knight errant. They were looking for the jousting tournament. A bunch of others were talking about the dragon down in the Jumper bay."

Sheppard lost his ability to keep a straight face at that and burst out laughing. Carson looked confused. "Dragons in the Jumper bay? What's next? Kelpies about the docks? Something must be affecting them. Has anyone explored any unmapped parts of the city today?"

"Did you try looking at the menu, Doctor? Are there any special brownies on it? I bet there was some of this type of thing at Woodstock." Sheppard shook his head as Rodney made a pass at Ford and missed.

Rodney ducked as Ford swung at him. "Dragons, right. Carson, how about some tranq darts here for Galahad?"

"Galahad?" Kavanagh straightened himself to his full height. "My age-old rival? Have at the varlet!" Kavanagh dashed at Ford, neatly ducking between Rodney and Sheppard. Ford swung at him, but Kavanagh dodged easily. "Still naught but a piker!"

Oh my," said Sheppard, stepping back in shock. "What just happened to our obnoxious bastard?"

"Oh, bloody hell. We've no idea what's affecting them. A tranquilizer might kill them for all we know." Carson looked at the fighting men, then back down the hall toward his infirmary. "What I wouldn't give for a good old fashioned sleep spell right about now."

"Carson?" Rodney looked at the doctor, astonished.

"I really think I should nip off to the tourney. A joust's a wonder to behold." Carson grinned and hurried off, leaving Rodney and Sheppard to try to separate Ford and Kavanagh.

"Damn, it's getting worse." Sheppard banged his head against the wall as Rodney grabbed Ford's pipe and started swinging it himself. When Rodney climbed up on Kavanagh's back and started treating him like his faithful steed, Sheppard figured it had gotten far too strange for him.

"To the tourney, Patsy!" Rodney shouted, brandishing Ford's pipe like a lance.

"John, what's going on down there?" Dr. Weir shouted over the comm.

"It's a zoo... or a Renaissance Faire!" Sheppard replied, trying to fend off Rodney.

"Grodin's started acting strangely and Teyla's wandering around simpering like a damsel in distress. Do you think this is some strange Genii form of biological warfare?" Weir's voice was stressed.

Sheppard ducked as Rodney spurred Kavanagh. They wheeled and took off down the corridor, Ford hot at their heels. "Well, if it is, Beckett's the only one who could figure it out, and he's off in Fantasy Land too."

"What do you suggest?" Weir sounded desperate.

"A joust!" At that, Sheppard ran off to join his teammates in the mess hall. When he entered the hall, he found all his teammates gathered, fighting in impromptu 'sword' competitions.

"Major!" He was sure Weir was going to pop an artery. In the background, he could hear Grodin droning on about the proper way of polishing armor.

"He is *so* totally wrong," Sheppard shouted back. "Everyone knows you need to get your squire to do it." As much as he wanted to listen to Weir, the idea of a joust was just too perfect.

Sheppard gathered McKay, Beckett, Ford, and Stackhouse to him. "This kingdom needs a good faire, gather your squires together for a tournament!"

At the other end of the hall, Kavanaugh was whispering to Bates, Bradley, Markham and Smith. Just then, Halling walked in, carting in his food supplies from the mainland. "What is going on here?"

"A joust, good King!" Rodney declared. "The dark knights are trying to take over once again! We must defend our ladies fair!"

"Yes," Sheppard said, looking around. "And where exactly *are* our ladies?"

"Here!" Teyla called, waving a strip of cloth in one hand. She was followed by Weir, Simpson, and a few of the nurses from the infirmary. All of them were giggling like love-struck gerbils.

Halling shook his head. "Are you certain you have not been eating galena fruit? It does tend to make people act rather strangely."

"Nay, good King," Carson said. "I've never heard of this galena fruit of which you speak. But which of you fair ladies would give me your favor for the joust?"

The women giggled prettily, and Weir handed him a red handkerchief. "Take this and wear it when you defend us, good knight." Teyla handed Sheppard her white cloth, Simpson handed Ford something that looked suspiciously like a chemise. One of the nurses handed Rodney her bra. He grinned, though there was very little chivalrous about the look in his eye.

Halling pulled up a chair. "Yes, galena fruit. I suppose I should settle in for the ritual combat, then." He sighed. "Very well... umm... Knights. I take it you shall be fighting for the honor of the ladies."

Kavanaugh yelled across the room. "Lady Weir, you are no lady! Your knight Beckett cannot possibly win. I shall have you!"

"How dare you!" Sheppard railed. "I shall help Beckett defeat you and your dark knights!"

"You cannot possibly win against us all!" Rodney added.

"I shall help!" Zelenka shouted, stepping forward.

"That's right, squire," Rodney said. He grabbed Zelenka by the elbow and pulled him over. "Make sure my armor's on straight, would you?"

"I thought I was going to help fight?" Zelenka looked up at him.

"You're too short. You'll get clobbered."

Zelenka shook his head. "But I'm a knight brave and true!"

"You can hold my spare lance." Rodney handed him the PVC pipe. Zelenka looked at it and over at Kavanagh.

"Next year, squire. When you grow a little taller." Sheppard smiled down at Zelenka then passed out the standard issue vests to be used as armor.

Stackhouse rolled up a freight cart. "Ah, the smith arrives with our steeds," Sheppard said with delight.

Rodney loaded himself into the cart and signaled Zelenka to push him. "Onward squire! The black knights wait for no soul!"

Bates advanced on his own handcart, pushed by one of his men. "I'll have your head on my belt!" he bellowed.

Halling shook his head and sighed. "You Tau'ri are very strange."

Rodney nearly knocked Bates from his handcart with one sideswiping blow, using his greater weight to his advantage. A rousing cheer went up from the Heroes.

The nurse who slipped Rodney her bra around his neck yelled "My brave knight!" as the rest of the women giggled. Just then, Bates struck a glancing blow off Rodney's shoulder.

"You vile cur!" Beckett yelled.

"Come back and fight me, coward!" Bates shouted at Rodney.

"Get off the field, loser!" Kavanagh shouted. "I want a piece of Beckett!"

"Wait your turn, you obnoxious dragon!" Sheppard yelled back. "You're only waiting to lose!"

"Foul mouthed harridan! Stupid jock! Flyboy! You can't win against our superior brains and technique!" Kavanagh shouted back.

"If it's brains you want, I'm the biggest genius here," Rodney said, urging Zelenka to push him into the fray again. He rolled over Bates, who fell like a log to the ground. Rodney went back to the sidelines and earned a kiss from his lady as Ford prepared for battle against Markham.

Ford leaped onto the cart as Markham started down the mess hall floor. Another of the Marines pushed him along, and Ford and Markham collided in a noisy clash of pvc pipe and heavy bodies.

Markham lunged and grabbed for Ford's pipe, and the ladies and other assembled gentry booed and hissed. "Foul!" Carson shouted as Markham overbalanced and fell, landing on his face on the floor.

"Cheat!" Kavanagh shouted. "Galahad unjustly pulled my knight from his steed!"

"Your man is the cheat, you yellow dog! He tried to grab the man's lance!" Sheppard yelled back.

"Grab *this* lance!" Ford shouted, grabbing his package in a very rude gesture.

"I'll soon see it parted from you!" Smith shouted.

"Peace!" Halling shouted from the sidelines. "Let the games continue!"

"My turn!" Smith bellowed. "I'll have the pillow-haired one's head!"

Sheppard leaped onto the cart and his squire dashed out onto the field, pushing him along. "You'll have to work for it, varlet!"

They clashed violently in the center of the mess hall. Sheppard had the advantage, and Smith leaned back away from his longer reach. Just before he toppled, Smith rapped his pipe against Sheppard's ear. Instinctively, Sheppard pulled away, but lost his footing in doing so and fell off the cart.

A cheer went up from the dark knights' side. The ladies gasped in dismay. Many of the assembled peasantry booed and hissed.

"Sir Beckett!" the Lady Elizabeth cried, "It is your duty to save us now!"

Grodin manned the cart, and shoved Beckett into battle to face Kavanagh. "I shall, My Lady!" Beckett said, bowing to her as the cart advanced. He tipped his pvc pipe and glared at Kavanagh.

"You'll never win, Beckett!" Kavanagh snarled. He leveled his lance at Beckett and charged.

"For King and country!" Beckett cried, and Grodin dashed along the course. "For My Lady!"

Their first clash saw both men take sound blows to the chest. Neither budged from his steed.

"Beckett's a tougher guy than I thought," Sheppard said to Rodney.

Rodney snickered. "Tougher than you!"

"You fell right over," Ford said.

In the second round, Beckett teetered on his cart as Kavanagh's lance struck his. He quickly righted himself, unbalancing Kavanagh with a lightning counterstroke.

"Coward!" Beckett shouted, taunting him. "Knave! You're no Knight!"

The dark knight jeered at Beckett as they went round for the third pass. The ladies cheered and applauded, waving their kerchiefs at their champion.

Carson leaned into it as he bore down on Kavanagh. He screamed a battle cry in Gaelic and the ladies shouted as the two rushed down the field. With a great clash, Carson whacked Kavanagh on the back of the head, taking him down with the blow.

Kavanagh gave a yowl of pain as he hit the floor, and the ladies tossed their kerchiefs at Carson as he rode past them in knightly glory. He proceeded to Halling's seat and dismounted to go down on one knee before him. The peasants cheered loudly as Beckett approached the King.

"You have been victorious," Halling said. "Your land and ladies are safe."

"I didn't get to fight," Zelenka whispered to Rodney.

"You're just the squire," Rodney reminded him. Zelenka frowned.

"You're not old enough, squire," Sheppard interjected.

Halling stood. "I declare you Champion and this... umm... ritual combat over!" He raised his arms and everyone cheered.

A moment later, everyone started blinking and shaking their heads. "What the hell just happened?" Sheppard asked.

Rodney pulled the bra from around his neck. "I'm not sure, but I think it must have been good."

"I know it was good." Carson blinked as Weir smiled at him sweetly.

"Hey!" the nurse who had given the bra to Rodney shouted, "that's *mine!* I'm going to kick your ass, McKay!"

Rodney gave her a panicked look and fled, dropping it.

Ford looked, puzzled, at the undergarment in his hand as Sheppard smiled, bowed, and presented Teyla with her cloth. She grinned back at him.

"Lt. Ford," Simpson said, sidling up to him. "I think you might want to help me put that back on." Ford grinned broadly and followed her out of the mess hall.

Halling shook his head. He looked at Weir. "Please Dr. Weir," he said, "do not let the Gallifans trade with you for any more galena fruit. This happens every time."

Kavanagh looked at them all. "Can we have one more batch? I want another shot at Beckett."

"I'll give you another try," Beckett said, grinning. "I could beat you with or without the fruit, with one hand tied behind my back!"

~~the end~~