Haunting Me - Part Two


I didn't need Anakin to be standing at the door to tell me Master Yoda wanted to talk to me upon my return, but he was there anyway. I hurried out to the balcony and prepared myself to be handed a reprimand only a tiny, green, 900-year-old Jedi Master could dish out.

"Knew you could not stay away, I did."

I smiled in spite of myself. "Then you knew more than I."

"Love him still, you do?"

"I don't trust him."

"Not my question. Love him, you do."

I wouldn't have argued, even if it had been a question. "I don't suppose that'll ever change. Not that it does either of us much good without trust."

"Rebuilt that can be."

"Over a small breech of trust, perhaps, but this?"

"Lied to you as well, I did. Trust me not?"

"Of course not, but I didn't--" I stopped short. I could forgive anyone before I could forgive Qui-Gon, when he had been the one I loved most. That didn't exactly make sense. But then feelings never had been based in logic. "With all due respect, Master, I never have expected full disclosure from you."

"Search your feelings, you must. Time will heal."

*I hope.* "I am sorry I went back, Master, but you did not tell me to stay away, only to forget."

"Ha! Knew you what I meant. Returned again you did regardless."

I sighed. "It won't happen again. I won't go back."

"Wrong. Go back you must."

"Excuse me?"

"He must be moved. Dangerous for him to stay now that you have gone there."

I was beginning to wish I'd stayed on Coruscant. "Wouldn't I be the most likely person for the Sith to track to get to him?"

"Yes. So suspect you the Sith will not."

It was a gamble, but not necessarily a bad one. Half the Jedi order had spent time looking for the Sith in the year since the death of the apprentice. And apart from finding out that the one I killed *was* the apprentice, we knew nothing. Even if Qui-Gon's survival was discovered, perhaps it would draw the Sith out.

I wasn't anxious to fight the Master after having battled the Apprentice. But I knew one thing--Qui-Gon wasn't facing him alone. If I had to be there to protect him, so be it. I might not trust him, but I wasn't ready to let him die twice. Not after all I'd done to save him. "When do we leave?"

"Stay with his mother, Anakin will. Knight Campbell will arrive tomorrow to stay with the boy and then bring him back. Not ready for this knowledge is he."

"I agree."

"Go back in two days you will. Safer, it is, to contact him with the information."

"I understand." The shielded room would offer less opportunity for the information to be intercepted. "I'll be there."

"Good. Be careful you will. And may the Force be with you."

I shut off the comlink and resisted the urge to throw it. I'd planned on not seeing Qui-Gon again for a long time. Now it appeared I'd be spending days with him. Possibly weeks or months--missions we were involved in never seemed to go easy, and this was the most dangerous yet. I wasn't ready to handle that much time with him. If my anger became too strong, shields might not hold it.

I stood, strengthening my resolve. I would have to be ready. There was no other choice.

***

Sleep was more elusive than ever that night. As soon as the twin suns began to chase away the stars I was up, attempting to lose myself in meditation, using it as a substitute for the lost sleep. My mind drifted, landing on the subject I most wished to avoid, of course.

Qui-Gon. My own personal ghost, come to life. I understood we all have to face the things that bother us most. But I still didn't think it was quite fair to be thrown into constant contact with my biggest issue in close quarters on the worst mission of my life.

No, second worst. Nothing will ever surpass Naboo. The memory of the Sith's blade slicing through skin, muscle, organs and bone, the smell of burning flesh and other things I didn't even want to identify, the feel of Qui-Gon's life flowing from his body, and of being helpless to stop it, but needing to try--all of it came back in a rush.

Along with the feeling of failure when I woke up and realized I had not managed to save him. A lie, as it turned out, just one out of many told to me since then, and of who knows how many told before that day. I wondered just how much of my life had been based on a lie, then rejected the question. The suns were getting brighter, and I could feel my Padawan waking in the next room. My feelings would have to be dealt with later.

Anakin came out of his room as I was folding the blankets I'd slept on. "Good morning, Master."

"Padawan." I nodded at him, then noticed a new bracelet on his wrist. "What's this?" I asked, pointing at the shiny jewelry.

"Chancellor Palpatine gave it to me yesterday!" His eyes shone with excitement. "He was in Mos Espa when Mom and I went to the market, and he stopped just to talk to me. Said the bracelet was to thank me for saving his planet."

I frowned in spite of myself. "What is the Supreme Chancellor doing in the Outer Rim?"

"He was on his way back from Naboo. He saw Pad--Amidala and said she told him to tell me hello and to visit as soon as I could."

"So he stopped here to deliver her message?" That made no sense.

"No, he said he was working on a deal between the Outer Rim and the Repbulic. He was going to give me the message when he got back to Coruscant, but he saw me here. So I got it sooner."

A deal between the Outer Rim and the Republic seemed about as likely as a Hutt starting a charity. Still, I'd never cared much for Palpatine; it could be my own feelings clouding my judgment. He could truly be working miracles in the Rim.

And Qui-Gon could still be dead. Both options seemed to have the same chance of being true at the moment. But Palpatine and whatever he might be doing could wait. Right now I had a mission, and a Padawan to leave behind.

"Anakin...."

The boy spared a momentary glance away from the bracelet. "Yes, Master?"

"I have to leave tomorrow."

His eyes clouded briefly, then he straightened his shoulders. "I was planning to spend more time with Mom, but if we have to go...."

"You can stay. Knight Campbell is coming to stay with you, and she will escort you back to Coruscant as scheduled."

"But where are you going?"

I smiled, remembering my own eagerness to go on every mission when I was younger. An eagerness that never really faded--I just learned how to hide it better. "I have a mission I need to attend to alone. I don't know how long I will be, but I hope it will be fairly short." I didn't want to think about the consequences of drawing this out.

He nodded. I could tell he was disappointed, but he did not let that emotion take over--a fact I noticed with a little pride. "You are to listen to Knight Campbell as if her words were coming from me, understand?" Another nod. "Keep up with the katas we've been practicing and the lessons you were assigned before we left. I'll be expecting some improvement when I get back to Coruscant."

"Yes, Master."

I hesitated only a moment before giving him a quick hug. "You're a good apprentice, Anakin Skywalker. I'm a lucky Master."

"Thank you, Master," he said, the serious tone at odds with the large smile on his face.

"No, thank you." Shmi entered the room, breaking up the conversation with talk of breakfast. Over the meal, Anakin and I discussed what we would do with the day, since I would be gone for a while. I insisted on practicing katas together. He insisted I help him with the droid he was working on. I had a feeling he would be talking Campbell into taking that thing back to the Temple, but if I'd put up with Qui-Gon's strays throughout the years, I could handle one droid.

I steered my thoughts away from my former Master, conscious of Anakin's presence, and focused on the day before me. Time enough to deal with other problems when night fell.

***

The following morning I said goodbye to my apprentice and went off to Sono, still unsure of exactly how I would deal with this challenge. I would have to be cool to him. He would get the idea after a while, and we could finish this mission like Jedi, with no injury to either of us--either physical or mental. If we couldn't do that, well...no, it didn't matter. We could. We had to.

The trip was far too short. In no time at all I stood in front of that door again, knowing it would be open. I took a deep breath, then walked inside.

Qui-Gon stood at the window, as usual, but he turned as I closed the door. "It appears the Force took the decision out of your hands."

"It would seem that way, yes." I dropped my pack next to the door. "Has the Council contacted you yet?"

He nodded. "We're to leave--" He stopped and looked around. "It isn't safe to do this out loud."

No. It wasn't fair to ask this of me. "Why?"

"Ears pick up things in shielded rooms that the Force cannot hide."

So the shields would protect our telepathic communication, but not vocal ones. This was getting worse by the minute. Letting someone inside your personal shields, dropping them to the extent that you hear a voice in your head that is not your own, is an act requiring extreme trust.

Extreme necessity would have to do. "Fine," I snapped. We'd had a bond strong enough to communicate every thought if we wished it before. Surely a pale imitation of that bond would be enough for what we needed now. I closed my eyes and focused, relaxing my shields and trying my best to keep the doubts out.

I felt a fizzle of another presence, then nothing. After a moment, Qui-Gon sighed. "You're going to have to do better."

"Me?" My eyes popped open. "*I'm* not the one who betrayed our trust. If you had done better this wouldn't be a problem."

He hadn't been able to establish telepathy, but I could feel his emotions, much to my dismay. I felt the pain my words had caused, followed by a willingness to take whatever I handed him. "True. But we can't change the past, and I would like to stay alive, even if you would prefer otherwise."

"I never said I wished you were dead." Although I suppose my actions could give that impression. But he knew me better than that. Or he had. I sighed, tired of fighting. "Let's try it again."

"Let me try something." His hands rose toward my face, then stopped. "If you will allow me?"

I knew what he wanted--a closer physical connection to make the process easier. I gave up on any aspect of this mission being easy and nodded once, then closed my eyes again. His hands rested lightly on either side of my face as I tried again to lower my shields enough to let him in. After a moment I heard his voice faintly in my head. Obi-Wan?

Here. The feeling was at once familiar and upsetting. Everything I'd had, everything I'd mourned the loss of, was right here. I had it all back, and the pain of how it was lost was too great for me to want to do anything but refuse it.

I could feel his pleasure at the reconnection of our bond, even if it was a tenuous one. We are to leave at nightfall. There will be a ship waiting. I'll lead you.

I nodded as I stood back and broke the physical connection, but the thin mental one remained. "Understood," I said aloud, not willing to use the mental link unless I absolutely had to. Nothing about this was going to be easy for me. I wasn't about to make it easy for him.

***

We made it to the ship without incident. Once we were on board, we found papers identifying us as traders. I marveled once again at the ability of the Council to bend the truth to suit their own purposes. It went against everything the Jedi seemed to stand for, and yet I was beginning to realize many of the actions we took for granted fell under that same heading.

Our abilities to exert our own wishes over the minds of others--what was that if not planting lies? Not to mention that it takes away the very freedom we are supposed to protect. Of course, we use it toward a greater good, but I wondered, would the beings we use it on see it the same way? Or would they feel used and betrayed, their trust in the Jedi gone in an instant?

I wouldn't blame them if they did. Not anymore. I had a unique understanding of just how they would feel.

I stole a glance at Qui-Gon, who was sitting next to me in the cockpit, scanning the area for other ships. Yes, they would definitely feel betrayed. And hurt. And they wouldn't want to trust again, except for that one little part of them that said they should try.

Or perhaps that was just me.

"There's a Republic Guard ship in our direct path," he warned. "A slight course alteration would keep us out of their way."

I checked the screen and made the necessary adjustments. "Done."

"Remember when we had to dodge the Nimerian troops for three days?" he asked suddenly. "They kept cloaking their signals so we couldn't read them without adjusting our equipment--"

"--and I almost crashed into one because I didn't see him till the last moment." I smiled. "I've never been so glad to see any planet as I was to see Cotera when we finally landed." And received orders to Naboo to check on a small trade dispute.

Suddenly the humor in the situation was gone. We'd had to keep the bond open because of the mission, and I knew he could sense my feelings, if not my thoughts. Just as I could sense his sadness at my unfortunate train of thought.

For a moment I thought he was going to say something, but he just sighed and rose from the co-pilot seat. "I'm going to rest. The area seems to be clear for now, but the proximity alarm will let you know if anyone comes too close."

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak and unwilling to use the bond. He stood there a moment longer, then moved to one of the two long couches that jutted out of the walls directly behind us. The small ship was built to house two people and cargo, with living space at a minimum. The couches were there so one or both pilots could sleep close to the controls, in case an emergency arose. He could have gone to the small bedroom two compartments over. It wasn't as if he would be that far away if there was trouble.

Of course, if he'd done that, he wouldn't have been able to force his presence on me. I didn't even try to hide that thought, but it didn't matter. He was already asleep. I set the controls for automatic, double-checking all the alarms, then looked back over my shoulder at his sleeping form.

I hadn't realized that he wasn't completely recovered, but if he was sleeping in what should have been the middle of the day for him, he couldn't be well. Considering the chill of the ship, he should have pulled a blanket over himself before he fell asleep. I thought about doing it for him, then decided against it. He obviously didn't think he needed me to take care of him; who was I to argue with a Jedi Master?

***

For the next three days he slept more than I'd ever seen him sleep. I studied him in his sleep often, looking at the familiar features, trying not to remember tracing every inch of them with my own hands. His face was far more lined than I remembered, and his hair had turned half-white in just a year. A sign of the stress he must have been under, both in healing, and in hiding.

When he was awake, he tried to engage me in conversation at first. He asked about Anakin's training, about the Temple, about my missions, about anything he thought might get me to talk to him. I deflected the questions with responses that never lasted longer than one or two sentences, and by the end of the day he'd given up. After that, he only spoke when he had to.

By the end of the second day, the silence was more grating than the conversation had been. He wasn't acting like a martyr, but I was starting to feel like he was. Silent staring, gratitude for something so little as handing him a glass of water--even his movement around the ship was quiet, as if he was afraid if he made too much noise I'd drop him on the next planet and leave him there.

When he hit his elbow on the chair, then immediately muffled his outburst and cast me an apologetic look, I couldn't take it anymore. "Will you please stop that?"

"I'm sorry. I was trying to be quiet."

"If you get any more quiet I'm going to forget you're on the ship!" That wasn't quite true; if it were, it would have made things a lot easier.

"I'm sorry," he said again.

"And stop that too! You're acting as if I've told you you're some kind of huge burden I have to bear."

He blinked. "I was under the impression that was exactly what I was."

"You're not a burden. You're a mission. And I have never seen my missions as burdens."

The sad look was back again. "I'm sorry."

"For what? You keep apologizing. But for what?"

"Upsetting you. Misreading you."

I shook my head, suddenly sick of this whole affair. "If you want to apologize for something, start with Naboo. Then you can move on to every day after."

I didn't need my link with him to feel the hurt he felt, or the shame that followed. He returned to silence, thankfully a much less intrusive one, and soon he was asleep.

He'd been asleep for several hours when it started. The same noises that had awakened me the night before. This time I wasn't asleep. I hadn't been able to sleep yet. He tossed around on the bed, muttering, and I could feel intense pain coming from him. Pain and anger. It went on so long I was about to wake him when it subsided, and he eased back into sleep. I wondered what kind of nightmare could cause that, then decided I didn't want to know.

When he was fully asleep again, I got up, pulled the blanket he was always forgetting up over him, and lay down in my own bed. Fighting the emotions he was projecting during the nightmares drained me. Sleep came quickly, before I could really wonder if I'd been waiting for the nightmare to come and go before I could sleep myself.

***

Neither of us mentioned his nightmares the next day. We settled into an uneasy truce. He was silent, but not annoyingly so, and I tried not to blow up at him. It seemed to work, which encouraged me to think we might actually make it through this mission after all.

Qui-Gon went to bed early, as usual. I forced myself to lie down when I was tired, determined to sleep and not wait to see if he had the nightmare again. If he needed me, I knew I would wake. It wasn't from any desire to help. It was just the way things were.

***

Noises from the other bed woke me. In the faint light from the ship's control panels I could see Qui-Gon tossing and turning. I could also feel the turmoil of his emotions across the link. Another nightmare. If he'd been having these before we left Talos it was no wonder he was so tired. They drained me, and I was only getting the overflow of the emotions he was experiencing.

I waited for the nightmare to end, but when the normal amount of time had passed, it only seemed to get worse. He was practically thrashing on the bed now, the blanket having been tossed into the floor. The sounds he made were almost unintelligible, but the few words I did understand were in his native language and did not encourage me as to the nature of his dreams. Nor did the rage and despair that rolled off him in waves so great my shields were as effective as a blanket trying to hold off a bantha. I had to wake him, if only in self-defense.

I climbed out of my bed and moved to sit on the edge of his. "Qui-Gon," I whispered, my hand gripping his sweat-slicked shoulder. He reached out and shoved at my arm with such force he knocked me off the bed. Waking him in this state was not going to be easy--or pretty. I could use the Force to calm him. I had been reluctant to do so, since opening the link between us enough to reach into his mind would very likely subject me to the demons he was fighting there. Not a situation I was anxious to put myself in, but if I continued simply trying to wake him, I could end up with a black eye.

My decision made, I closed my eyes and concentrated on our link, following it to the source of the dreams. It was a dark path, but then fears do not tend to shed light in the subconscious. The anger and desperation threatened to overwhelm me as I reached the center of the dream. Images flashed in my mind, fuzzy at first, then slowly gaining focus. I saw Qui-Gon, on his knees, howling with rage. The yell was directed at a figure in a black, hooded cloak. Then he looked down, and I saw myself, on the floor. In two pieces, sliced through the stomach with a cut so clean it could only have come from a lightsaber.

The shock threw off my concentration, my mind withdrawing from his instantly, but I forced myself to go back. I surrounded the scene with a shield, buffering his mind from it and stuffing it back into his subconscious as quickly as I could before I had to face that image of myself again. After a moment he quieted, his body relaxing back onto the bed, his sleep returning to normal. I sighed with relief as I backed out of his mind; it appeared I wouldn't even have to wake him. I sat on the edge of the bed again, checking on him one more time, and then his eyes fluttered open.

"Obi-Wan?" he whispered softly.

"You had a nightmare."

A deep breath shuddered through him. "I thought...I saw...."

"I know, but it was only a dream."

"You--you were--"

"I saw, Qui-Gon. I know. But it wasn't real. I'm here, and I'm in one piece." I shivered as the image of myself from the dream refused to leave my own mind.

He sat up, his face inches from mine, and stared into my eyes. "Please," he said, one hand resting on my cheek.

I almost rubbed against it before I caught myself. The last thing he needed after such an emotional experience was mixed signals from me. "It was a dream," I repeated, as I placed my hand over his, intending to remove it from my face.

"Please," he said again, pulling me forward into a kiss before I could react.

I wasn't ready for this. I didn't want it yet--wasn't sure if I ever wanted it again, at least emotionally. Physically I knew I did, and if I hadn't known, my body's immediate reaction would have been proof enough on its own. But all the desire in the world couldn't make up for lack of trust.

I reached out to push him away, my hand landing on his stomach, but the feel of the soft, warm skin there and the hard muscle beneath was so tempting. I let my hand drift across it, memories growing stronger with the physical reminders, increasing my desire and testing my will to resist.

The kiss...his skin...it would be so easy just to give in and let this happen. Easy, and good. But it was too soon. I pulled back. "We can't."

"Please." His hand had gone behind my head, now it pulled me to him, despite my rather weak effort to resist. The kiss was soft and deep, not demanding but pleading. Please, he repeated in my mind. I need....

He needed. Where had he been over the last year when I needed? I reached up to push his hand from my neck, then froze as his other hand found my erection inside the sleep pants I wore and began teasing it. His fingers grazed the tip lightly, then ran down the length, effectively removing any ability I had to push him away. His whole hand wrapped around me there, a tight grip, and that was all it took to make me a willing participant.

I shoved off the pants without losing contact with either his hand or his lips. The link between us was the strongest it had been since I'd found him, my journey into his mind having solidified it. Through it I could see the images from the dream fighting to return to his mind, and his determination to banish them by filling his mind with every part of the living, breathing me he could get.

I rolled over him to lie on my back on his bed, never breaking the kiss, and shoved at his pants, desperate for his skin against mine everywhere. The pants disappeared, and I felt his leg rubbing against mine, his erection poking me in the hip. Then his lips left mine and began traveling down my neck and across my chest, pausing to give extra attention to the places that made me gasp the most.

When his mouth closed down over my erection, I shouted. He didn't linger there nearly long enough before kissing his way back up my body until he reached my lips again. He pulled me with him as he rolled over onto his back, continuing the kiss the whole time.

I knew what he wanted. I might have pushed my memories of him to a place deep inside me, but I still had every single one of them. Part of me still resisted giving in to what *he* wanted, but I wanted it too. Needed to feel his skin beneath my lips, craved the proof that he was in one piece, that there was no hole in his chest from a lightsaber.

My eyes stung with the threat of tears--whether for what had happened on Naboo, or at my own weakness now, I wasn't sure, but I held them back as my tongue and lips traced a muscle in the side of his neck down to his shoulder. I worked my way down his chest, teasing each nipple and then biting harder than I knew I should, feeling how the pain only increased his pleasure. Not my intent, but incredibly erotic.

As I nipped and kissed my way down his stomach, he moved beneath me, turning until I was kissing the hollow of his back. I could see into his mind, the images there showing me what he wanted with crystal clarity, and my own mind protested. I'd given into his touch, I'd even been a willing participant, but this...this I did *not* think I was ready for.

The images grew stronger, more vivid, and the memory of how it felt to be sheathed inside him, the tight, hot friction of moving in him nearly ended his chances right there. I breathed deeply, controlling myself, mentally cursing the twitching shaft between my legs and the man under me for both being so willing.

Please. Even his mental voice was thick with desire.

We don't have anything.... I trailed off as the images hit me again, robbing me of coherent thought for a moment.

Please. I need.... Once more I was assailed by the vision, and that was enough. I felt him gathering the Force as I moved over him, felt him using it to relax his muscles as much as he could, to open himself to me.

And then I was inside him, and I forgot to think. I only remembered to breathe because passing out would have ended this incredible sensation. And I didn't ever want it to end. I moved inside him, forgetting everything but the maddening pleasure that was overwhelming me. I don't know how long it lasted, but I drew it out as long as I could before I finally found my release. Somewhere in the haze that followed I felt his release as well through our link, and then I felt nothing as I sank down into unconsciousness.

***

When I awoke, I was lying on my side, spooned against Qui-Gon's back, my arms holding him as if I'd never let him go. The realization of what we'd done hit me. I had to hand it to him. He was good. He hadn't just been content to have me. He'd made me do the taking.

Shame washed over me as I pulled away from him, then climbed over his body to get out of the bed. "Obi-Wan?" He sounded as though he was still half-asleep. I didn't answer. Instead, I slammed shields down on the link between us so tight not even a hint of our original training bond leaked through. That should be enough to tell him I did not want to talk to him.

If it wasn't, then my hasty departure to the bedroom compartment and the locked door there would do the trick. I heard him come to the door, but he didn't try to open it, and he didn't try to reach me. After a moment, he went back toward the cockpit.

When he was gone, I lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling, my mind racing to make sense of what had happened. How could I have given in so easily? It is true that as human beings, our desires often overrule our good sense, but as Jedi we were supposed to be able to control that. Not that I'd ever really had that ability when it came to Qui-Gon before, but my anger should have helped my resolve.

Anger. Passion. Fear. All things that, as Jedi, we should not give in to. And I'd given in to all three with him. I needed to purge those emotions from my mind. I needed to cloak myself in calm.

*I need.* Memories from the night before came back in a heated rush. No. I would not give in. Not after he'd deliberately seduced me against my will and my better judgment, just because he needed. Was that all he could think about? Had his need been so strong he didn't care what I wanted or needed?

I could possibly find out. It would mean intentionally bringing back the memories, but at least I might have a better idea why he'd done what he'd done. With an effort, I closed my eyes and centered myself, focusing on the emotions of the night before, sorting his out from mine.

He'd wanted me. That much I'd already figured out. The dream had terrified him--had been terrifying him for months, in fact. That one surprised me. I hadn't realized he'd been having nightmares that long, or that the ones I had witnessed had been the same as this one.

I put that aside to think about later and went back to sorting our thoughts. Love. He'd been hoping to remind me of the love we'd shared before. An understandable wish, but I couldn't really condone the method. Even if I could feel his despair at not being able to get through to me any other way, as well as his fear of losing me forever.

Trust. He wanted to prove that he trusted me? His actions played out in my mind again, how he turned over and offered himself to me, something you don't do without a great deal of trust in the other person, and for the first time, I felt my resolve crack a little. Sex without love happens all the time. Sex without trust, like that, rarely happens at all.

So he trusted me to screw him. Fine. Where had his trust been when he'd woken up on Naboo. Weak and injured and unable to fight the Council, I suspected. But after he'd gotten stronger he still hadn't trusted me enough to seek me out.

**"I found you; what makes you think others can't?"

"I don't want *them* to find me."**