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Nadirby Night Spring Daniel... Daniel... What have I done? Daniel... Daniel? Please... Oh, god, he's gone, isn't he? He's really gone... Oh, Daniel, I just had to push you, didn't I, you didn't want to, but I just had to push... I... What else could I have done? We had to do something, you had to do something... Oh, Daniel, I told you I'm not cut out for this Ascension thing, but who'd have thought I'd drag you down with me? Daniel, Daniel, why'd you let me do this to you? I shouldn't have asked you to cross the line, I wasn't thinking, what the hell was I thinking? If only I thought about it for a second, I should have seen what I was asking of you, I thought... oh god, I thought... I thought they'd just kick you out, I thought I'd have you back again, I thought we could save Abydos and get you back, two birds in one stone, I thought I could have it all... There's nothing like an arrogant fool, is there? Oh, the entire cosmos is laughing at me, having this huge honkin' joke at my expense. Laugh! laugh! laugh at an old fool, an arrogant fool, so cocky, so sure of himself, save the world a few times and let it get to your head, will you? Oh, damn fool I am, punish me if you will, why Daniel, why Skaara, why Abydos? Why? Daniel... Daniel... I want you, I miss you, so much... First time I held you, it felt so right, how could something so wrong feel so right? So wrong, so wrong, on so many levels, but so right. We fit each other, like peas in a pod. Felt like you were coming home to me, and I was coming home to you. Felt like I was sinking into you and never coming out. I knew I was hurting you, but I wanted you so much. I was dizzy with relief that you weren't dead, that I hadn't lost you, that I had gotten a chance to get it right. I was desperate to have everything, afraid we'll never get another chance, afraid you'd change your mind, afraid I'd change my mind, afraid one or both of us wouldn't survive the next mission, afraid we'd find Sha're tomorrow. I listened to you gasp in pain, held you tight as your body jerked in protest to my intrusion, tried to brush away the pain from your face with awkward, clumsy fingers, and you clenched your teeth and bore it as I shoved my way into you. I tried to be gentle as I moved, but the first few thrusts made you grit your teeth in pain. I nuzzled your neck in mute apology, and you cradled my head and told me it was okay. And it was okay, it was okay, being inside you, buried deep in you, pouring my heart, my soul, my whole self into you, being absorbed into you, sinking so deep I knew I'd never come out. And I begged you to take me, and it hurt, just as I remembered. I couldn't get my body to relax, even though I knew it was you, even though you kept talking to me, like I asked. You wanted to stop, but I didn't let you, I needed this, wanted this, just for once to be taken in love and not... and not... And you held me, your face pale, your lips pursed so tight they bled, but you knew what I wanted, you knew what I needed, and you held me close and held me still, held me while our hearts slowed and our breathes lengthened and the world turned and I finally, finally relaxed, and you finally moved, gently, so gently -- and I just closed my eyes and let your rhythm wash over me and through me, finally, finally letting go -- and afterwards you snuggled close, pressing your face against my heart without saying a word. You never did ask, and I never did tell. Daniel... How can the sun rise without you, how can the birds sing without you, why are the leaves still green? How dare the wind blow so gently across my cheeks, the stream bubble so contentedly across its bed, the earth lie solid and warm under my hands, when you are not here? Daniel! You were supposed to come back to me, you were supposed to never leave me, how could you do this to me, how could you, how could you... How could you not? Daniel. My Daniel. Always the bravest, always the most intrepid, always the one who dared tread where angels feared to tread, always seeking, always reaching... I only ever followed where you lead, walked behind you on the path you set out, chased after you through the many doors you opened. Into the lion's den you go, head held high without looking back, and we all run after you, ready to battle the lion so you may read the writing on the wall. And was the writing written out long time ago, fixed, sealed, and never to be changed? If we turn back time and undo this... no, let's go back further and undo that, or go back even further and undo that... What would you keep? What would you change? Who would you save, and at what price? Somehow, somewhen, no matter what, it'll still come down to this, an old fool, alone on a hilltop, with memories he can neither forget nor forgive. Oh, Daniel... What have I done, Daniel?
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