Full Circle:
No

 

Captain's Personal Log:

Tristan was indeed a vision. He was a lighter shade of copper than Chakotay, but his eyes were a startling blue. Though he seemed very young, his eyes told me that he was either older than he seemed or had lived a very interesting life in a very short time. The heavy dark curls and the planes of his face made him angelic, but the flash in his eyes belied that. His body was lean and athletic. I sensed he was strong. Just what I required. There were too many things I had to handle -- emotionally troubling things I had to handle alone. Someone with flawless training and discretion was perfect for my needs with the other, more routine tasks.

It was difficult not to be overcome by guilt and recriminations. I should have heeded Admiral Janeway's warning. I should have contacted Picard as soon as we reached the Alpha Quadrant. It had been a mistake to drop my guard. But there was no time for that. I was certain that Seven and Icheb had a short window of time before they were irreparably harmed. And I couldn't allow the Maquis part of my crew to feel that I had abandoned them. They all bought into following Starfleet rules as the way back home. I had convinced them that I had negotiated their cases and they would have a new life waiting for them. If my sense of betrayal was acute, I couldn't imagine how they felt. Each hour in captivity harmed them. I couldn't bear to think about Chakotay. He must think of himself as being a fool to have had a hand in persuading them to go along with me. I was sure he didn't blame me - at least not now. My Commander never shared my faith in the Admiralty and thought me too trusting. My big worry was Chakotay. I was afraid his temper would cause him to harm someone and face additional charges. Both situations required speed. I needed to focus. Thus, I needed some efficient, dispassionate help.

I needed to beam Tristan aboard Voyager alone. This was relatively easy as the ship was nearly deserted save for Starfleet personnel who wouldn't have noticed him. He was classically trained and couldn't behave in any other way in my presence. I didn't want to have to explain his deportment to a transporter operator or anyone else for that matter. As it turned out, getting him onboard wasn't difficult at all. Tristan gracefully dropped to his knees and bowed his head as soon as he alighted from the transporter pad. "Dear Lady, you honor me."

I placed a hand on his shoulder to urge him to his feet. "Vic speaks highly of you."

He reacted with the appropriate humility. I wish Tom could see that. He would have smirked.

"How may I serve?"

"I need you to pack the belongings in three quarters then send them to my apartment in San Francisco," I said. "Then you will help me move my belongings."

I gave him a com badge and a padd. "The directions to the quarters are here. Contact me with an ETA for completion."

"Yes, My Lady," he said.

I thought about Chakotay's artifacts and his hobby things. "Wait, I didn't make a list of fragile items. All three have things they've collected... important things..."

I couldn't believe that I hadn't thought about that until the last minute. They would all be so upset if their things were damaged. Frantically, I tried to remember what should be put on the padd as fragile.

"My Lady, if I may," Tristan said softly.

I looked up at him. His eyes were full of kindness and understanding. "I've been trained to tell by the way someone stores their personal items how they are valued. I will take appropriate precautions with everything, but I will take special care with those important things."

I nodded at him. That helped a little. But I was shaken by how raw and emotional I was just under the surface. I needed to get a hold of myself.

"Very well. I'll leave it to you, Tristan."

We parted company at the turbolift.

My things had yet to be packed. I knew what I wanted to put where, but it was an effort to get it done. Everything I was would be in the cases bound for my apartment. I did not even plan to wear my uniform. The only item that would accompany me would be the Q enhanced riding crop. I didn't want that to fall in the wrong hands. Besides, it had its uses as a weapon. But aside from putting away my life on Voyager, there were other things I had to arrange. At that moment, I didn't know if I would ever wear my uniform again. I was prepared to bring down a lot of people -- including me -- to get all of them back.

Tristan was prompt. He had surveyed each room then contacted me with an ETA of six hours. I acknowledged him and arranged to meet in my quarters when he was finished. I had to focus on that task before anything else could be accomplished. I buckled down and got to work. I tried very hard not to think of the memories associated with nearly every item I touched. The pain that weighed on my chest was hard enough to bear. Somehow I managed to look at everything as belonging to someone else. My quarters were three quarters packed when Picard contacted me on a secured line. It was good to see the strength and kindness in his eyes.

"Kathryn," he said quietly. "It is so good to see you once again."

"Thank you, Jean-Luc," I replied swallowing the knot in my throat. "I wish the circumstances were happier. I can't believe this is happening."

"Unfortunately, I can," he replied. "Starfleet and the Federation have been shaken to their foundation by the Dominion War. I'm afraid that paranoia reigns still. It's sharpened the lines of some who feel any sort of rebellion should be punished harshly. And they do not trust anything or anyone that can be perceived as an enemy. I am, to be honest, at a loss as to what to do."

I smiled wryly at him. "Oh, I know what must be done to free them. And I will make sure that you and your crew will not be in any way affected by my actions, but I will need your help."

"If not for the Maquis crew, who needs assistance?"

"I am gravely concerned about the two former Borg that are missing," I replied. "Starfleet Medical and Starfleet Intelligence have been given chapter and verse on every single aspect of their physiology and psychology. That they were taken in this manner, tells me that a different faction of Starfleet wants them and for purposes that may not get legitimate approval."

"I concur. There is a faction of Starfleet Intelligence that became very powerful during the Dominion War," Picard said. "It is rumored they committed many crimes in the name of victory. How can I help?"

"I need you to find out if there were any transports that left here yesterday under unusually high security and if there is any way to trace who authorized the trip and what was the destination," I said.

"Is that all?" He asked. He seemed disappointed.

"Well, I was wondering if you could give a gal a lift to Deep Space Nine," I replied.

He smiled at me. "I am at your service."

We made plans for a rendezvous immediately after I had dinner with Admiral Paris. I planned to raise quite a ruckus with my old friend and wanted to be well out of anyone's reach when the ramifications of my actions were realized. We then signed off before our call raised attention. There was so much I wanted to tell him, but not on any sort of Starfleet communications. I was deeply grateful that he thought enough of me to come to my aide without detailed information.

Before I knew it, Tristan was at my door. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to wear to the dinner and what I would pack for the trip to Deep Space Nine. He took in the situation without a word then began to arrange clothing on my bed.

"I've already had the cargo from the other quarters sent down to San Francisco," he said. "The rooms were already well organized to be packed."

I watched in awe as he efficiently packed a case for me after laying out clothes for the evening. "I will run a bath for you. While you soak, I can have your boxes sent to the apartment. Then I can come back to prepare you for dinner."

It struck me at that moment how long it had been since I had handled a formally trained sub. I hardly knew how to react. And I wasn't sure that this was the time to indulge.

"Tristan..."

He cast his beautiful eyes downward. "Permission to speak, My Lady."

I sighed. "Very well."

"I pray that I am not speaking out of school. You have chosen to pack away your uniform for the task ahead," he said. "You are putting on the armor of your title. It is important that you feel the way you are supposed to feel wearing it."

I'd also forgotten how intuitive a well trained sub can be. Tristan was extraordinary even by the Club's standards. I walked over to him and stroked the smooth skin along his cheek.

"You are correct," I said softly. "I put myself in your hands."

He had me in a steamy fragrant tub in mere minutes. I actually managed to relax as he quickly and quietly moved my things out of my quarters. I was still very angry and more than a little frightened at what loomed ahead, but the soothing water helped lessen the feeling of panic and helped me focus. Some time passed. I'm not sure how much. The next thing I knew was that my hair was being washed and I was receiving the most amazing scalp massage. Then I was being bathed by gentle but strong hands that massaged away the rest of my tension. The touch was intimate at times but never drifted into a caress. Soon, I was dry and in my robe. Tristan did my fingers and toes with practiced ease while exquisitely naked. I felt my anger renewed. Had Starfleet not betrayed me, I could be enjoying everything at the Club including this beautiful young man. I could see Barrows.

But I had to let that go for now. Tristan was right. I had to be Mistress Janeway.

"Tristan, could you get me a glass of chilled white wine?"

"My pleasure."

He was handy with a replication as well. It tasted wonderful. I sat back allowing my nails to dry. Tristan knelt nearby with his eyes cast down. He was completely erect but I felt no pull to act upon that. His deportment was perfection.

"Bring yourself off," I said quietly. "I want to see you come."

He colored slightly. "Thank you, My Lady."

"Look at me. I want to see your eyes."

"Yes, My Lady."

The vibrant blue was almost gone. His eyes were nearly black. Those lush lips were parted as he spread his legs for balance and took hold of that magnificent erection in one elegant hand. He splayed himself open on this thighs arching enough to be comfortable but giving me a view of his sleek musculature. He brought himself to the brink a few times. He was enjoying my watching him and the feel of his hand on his erection but he was also keenly aware of my expression. Tristan would not come until I gave him permission. The fourth time he came close. I inclined my head infinitesimally giving consent. The beautiful man came hard but his eyes didn't shut. He was magnificent.

I stood on surprisingly steady legs. I ran an index finger along his abdomen through the thick slick of ejaculate. The flavor was intriguing mingled in the wine. I liked the way his mouth tasted as well. His lips were wonderful and he had the most delightful moan as I kissed him deeply.

"You are just delicious," I whispered above his lips. "Shower and dress while I get ready."

"Yes, My lady," he whispered back. "Thank you."

I did feel like my old Club self once I was dressed. It was a black leather suit; mid-calf skirt and long jacket, flat black leather boots and a prim white shirt. I missed my long hair then. There was something about the ponytail would have completed my look, but with my shorter hair slicked down I looked alluring and imposing. Tom certainly thought so. He sputtered upon seeing me in my quarters.

"Wow... I mean... Captain," he said. I suppose he was searching for a coherent thought. He wasn't succeeding. Tristan's appearance didn't help. Tom gaped at him. Tristan gave Tom a very subtle once over. I could tell that he had assessed our relationship. I could also tell that he wasn't impressed with the deportment of my pilot.

"Tom Paris. This is Tristan," I said.

"Hi," Tom said.

"Sir," Tristan said with effortless courtesy. "Delighted to meet you."

Tom shook his hand while staring at the man as if he expected him to grow a third eye.

"Thank you for your service, Tristan," I said. "Let Vic know that I may have need of you for some delicate assignments. You should keep your schedule flexible."

"Yes, My Lady," he said. "Thank you."

"Thank you, Tristan," I said stroking his cheek once more. "I will see you soon."

He left then. Tom was still sputtering. "You're wearing that to see my father?"

I looked down at myself. "Tom, I have on a bra and a jacket. In fact, I'm more covered than I usually am."

"I don't know. Dad's kind of old fashioned," Tom said.

"He'll cope," I replied. "With my clothes and a whole lot more. Now, pull yourself together. I need you for a lot more than a dinner party tonight and I have to know that I can depend on you."

I hit gray matter. I could see his eyes change. "You're right. I must be half out of my head to think that your clothes are important. Wait... You had your nails done. And they look really good. Better than I've ever done."

I sighed. Throttling him was looking really good right then. "Tom, Tristan's life is service. He came here to help me and I allowed him to fulfill his function. None of this is important right now."

"Yes, Captain."

"Let's go," I said. "We have a lot of ground to cover."

Admiral Paris had a lovely table laid out for us. The food smelled wonderful. He was smiling but I could tell that he was nervous. I know he was startled by my appearance especially the riding crop. He seated us quickly and had the servant pour the wine and serve the soup right away.

"I want you both to know that I had no idea that any of today's actions was planned," he said.

"I know that, Dad," Tom said. "Or I wouldn't be here."

He looked pained by the tone of his son's voice. "I went to see B'Elanna and Miral. They're doing fine."

"But I can't see them," Tom said quietly.

"Not right now."

"So, does my child get to grow up in a penal colony?" Tom asked after a sip of wine.

"No! Of course not," The Admiral said indignantly. "She'll be released into your custody when she's deemed fit enough. I thought you might stay here."

"I've made my own arrangements," Tom replied.

"Tom, Kathryn, you have to understand..."

I had been enjoying the lobster bisque. It was wonderfully rich with just the right amount of plump lobster meat.

"What I understand," I said very crisply putting down my soup spoon."Is that I spent months negotiating an agreement that dispensed with all charges against all of the Maquis crew. What I understand is that you were the principal negotiator from the Federation on that agreement. What I don't understand is how a crew that has faced pain and illness and death with me for seven years can be in custody when the crew of the Equinox hasn't even been transferred!"

Both men were startled by the vehemence in those quietly spoken words.

"What happened to the agreement that you all signed?" I asked.

He colored deeply at that question. "Some on the Federation side, especially in the Admiralty, were bothered by your insistence that the Maquis charges be dispensed without ever having them formally charged. They wanted them to have an official charge on their records to show that they had once been -- for lack of a better word -- traitors."

"That way they would be easy to find and isolate whenever someone gets a little paranoid about stability?" Tom asked. "Or do you just want to make sure that none of them find any kind of career?"

Admiral Paris looked at me for some sort of assistance. I looked back waiting for him to answer what was a very fine question.

"You don't understand the climate here during the Dominion War. We had people in the very top levels of Starfleet turn out to be Shape Shifters. They came damned close to destroying the Alpha Quadrant. Those who were left hold strong feelings that we should be looking more closely at each other to prevent this from happening again," he replied.

"And where is the wonderful freedom and enlightenment that the Federation preaches all over the quadrants?" Tom asked. "Why not just form a franchise of the Tal Shiar and get it over with."

"You're over simplifying, Tom," he said tiredly.

"Well, let's make it more simple," I said. "What about the agreement you all signed? If I thought we stood for anything in Starfleet it was our word."

He rankled. "My word does mean something to me. I didn't approve of this course of actions. I'm just trying to explain how this could of happened. As I said, some were very unhappy with the provisions about dispensing with the charges," he said. "Even I thought that they should be formally charged. Some of them had committed serious crimes before your ships got caught in the Array."

"You wanted my wife to be brought up on charges?" Tom demanded. He looked at me. "You see? And you defended him to me."

"This has nothing to do with us, Tom!" He said. "I just believe that in the interest of justice and respect for the law, that they should be formally charges. Then, the charges could be dismissed because of time served on Voyager."

"A simple reading of the charges does not necessitate kidnaping off the street," I said.

"Look at it from their point of view, Kathryn. You more than anyone knows how dangerous and resourceful they can be. If you assume that they should be arrested, and that they could be dangerous, the tactically responsible course of action is surprise."

He thought to himself. "Including leaving me out of the loop."

"All very reasonable," I said icily.

"You wanted to know why they'd do this. I'm not giving you an excuse, only an explanation."

I was not impressed. Neither was Tom. "It's a stupid explanation. The courts would throw this out so fast they'll sprain their fingers typing an appeal with their decoder rings."

What?

"It is possible that it has been prevailed upon the Federation Court to vacate the agreement," he admitted.

"It's possible?" I demanded. "Don't you know?"

"No, I've been shut out," he said. "I was going to ask that you petition the court with me to have the crew released pending a hearing on the agreement."

"No, thank you," I said. "I've tried regular channels in this matter. That got me lies. I suppose the only reason the deal was signed was that you either didn't expect us to return at all or not until it became someone else's problem."

The Admiral looked decidedly uncomfortable. He had a gulp of wine.

"Kathryn, it is a very dangerous course to take on the Admiralty," he said. "Think of your career."

"I don't have a career," I replied quietly. "I can see where my career is now. This agreement tells me in what regard the Admiralty holds my career."

"It isn't all of them," he said.

"It's enough of them that this was allowed to happen unchallenged," I said.

"You aren't hearing me, Kathryn. You don't know how dangerous these people can get when they feel challenged. A lot has changed since you left," he said.

"My dear friend," I said. "I have been through things that none of those wide, desk bound rumps can begin to understand. I have been assimilated to do something I knew was right. I stranded all of us on the far side of the galaxy for ideals they no longer seem to believe in. You have no idea to what lengths I am willing to go to right this particular wrong, Sir. I don't care if I end up mopping floors on Proxima, none of you will be left standing and that agreement will be honored."

"If you need a reference, Dad, ask the Borg Queen," Tom said. "Oh, wait -- you can't."

"Tom," he said.

"No, Dad, I'm not up for regular channels either. But you file that petition. If not for my sake, to cover your own ass when it all hits the fan. The paranoia squad will find out soon enough," Tom said.

The Admiral looked desperate. "Kathryn, you can't involve him in whatever you're planning. If I ever meant anything to you..."

"There's nothing you can say to stop me. This is my wife and me friends..." Tom paused. "What do you mean, 'if I meant anything to you?'" He asked.

I looked at the Admiral with a raised brow. Then I looked at Tom. Then I got annoyed at how horrified he looked. I swear children believe that their own attractiveness sprung from nowhere. Their parents couldn't possibly have been attractive, sexual beings.

"Oh, my God!" Tom exclaimed.

"Son, that was a long time ago," he said. "I was a lonely widower... it was a brief affair..."

"I don't want to hear about it!" Tom downed the wine and poured another glass. Well, I'd lost him until the shock wore off. Fortunately, I felt the evening was wrapping up. I regretted not getting more of the dinner. It smelled like some sort of wonder involving salmon was coming up.

"It meant a lot to me and I hoped I had a lifelong friend," he said. "You have to know that I never wanted to hurt either of you."

"Then, file the petition Owen," I said. "And stay out of my way. I hope we can find our friendship again someday."

He raised his glass to me. I did the same. He looked very sad. I was in mid-swallow when Tom found his voice again. Unfortunately, his brain had not engaged.

"What was it? Did you want to have a father and son in your repertoire?" He exclaimed. "Did he prefer the whip or the strap-on?"

I managed to swallow. The Admiral started choking.

"Neither," I replied mildly. "Though tonight I regret not using either on him and not nearly enough on you."

"What???" Owen sputtered.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," I said. "Tom was well over the age of consent; he came to me and it was the best thing that happened to him -- though I am dismayed that his deportment never improved.. And it's irrelevant to everything else going on."

I finished my glass then rose from the table. "When you get over my history, remember what I said and follow my warning. Tom! Let's go!"

He managed to fire enough synapses to follow me out of the house. Unfortunately, his mouth was still working. "Why didn't you tell me before...?"

"Because it wasn't my place to tell you," I replied. "It isn't any of your business what your father did. Just as it's not his business what you do. Now, are you going to be able to focus or do I have to find another pilot?"

Tom shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket and shook his head. "I can handle it. I'm sorry, I'm just having some kind of day."

"Aren't we all?" I replied.

"I'll walk you back to your place," Tom said. "Harry should be back on Voyager by then."

Harry wasn't on Voyager. Harry was pacing back and fourth in front of my apartment building. His face was flushed and he looked extremely agitated.

"Harry, what's wrong?" Tom asked. "Have you heard something about B'Elanna and Miral?"

Harry stopped walking to look at us. He had been crying. "No, it's not that. It's Libby."

"Something happened to Libby?" Tom asked.

"Yeah, I happened to her," Harry said in a shaky voice. "I would have been nicer if I put a phaser to her brain."

He took Harry by the shoulders. "Harry, what are you talking about?" Tom demanded.

"She found out about everything... about you and me... she knows I was involved with others on Voyager," he said.

"Babe, why would that matter?" Tom asked softly. "You haven't been a couple in years."

Harry hung his head. "I-I... when we first got in contact with Earth... I found out she was still waiting for me. I was so shocked and then so guilty..."

"You never told her," Tom sighed.

Harry shook his head. "I couldn't. She's friends with someone who knows one of the crew. The details were all wrong, but once she said it... I couldn't hide anymore."

"God... Harry..."

Harry looked up at me narrowing his eyes. "You said no one would get hurt!"

While I understood how devastating this all was for Harry, I had had just about enough of people giving me grief over their own decisions. I was especially irritated considering everything that was hanging over the ones we cared about.

"Mr. Kim, I don't recall a phaser ever being held to your head while I sucked your cock," I muttered. "No one would have been hurt if you had been honest. I have never advocated lying in your personal relationships."

Both men gaped at me.

"Now, in case you've forgotten, Torres and crewmen we all care for are in prison," I said with barely restrained fury. "Somewhere, someone is likely planning on vivisecting Seven and Icheb. You can heap me with recriminations for the decisions you made -- hell, you can all decide to never see me again -- later. Right now, I need you to follow through with our plans to the very best of your abilities. Can you do this, or do I find someone else?"

Both men snapped to attention. But it was Tom who spoke.

"Yes, Captain."

"Remember, do as little damage as possible," I said. "If I can succeed, you know where to find me."

"Are you sure you won't tell us what you're going to do?"

"No, it's best that you don't know," I said. "You'll be in enough trouble as it is. Good luck."

After they beamed out, I picked up my bag in the building foyer. My plan was to get to a Transporter Center and wait for Enterprise. I passed a little park a few blocks away and found myself wandering through the beautiful old trees there.

Unbidden, my mind wandered back to the last time Chakotay and I went on an Away Mission. It was a formal reception thrown in Voyager's honor for some assistance we gave a small system with a medical emergency. The grounds surrounding the government hall had the most beautiful old trees. At some point during the affair, Chakotay and I found ourselves amongst the trees sheltered from view in them. I was wearing the formal skirted uniform. And as always, skirts made the Commander's hands wander. While he was kissing me mindless, those clever hands were removing my panties and priming me with his fingers. To the casual observer, we were wrapped around each other kissing passionately. In reality, Chakotay had uncovered himself and was pumping deep and hard without removing his pants. He kissed me while we came muffling the cries. He kept kissing me as we calmed down enough for him to gently pull out. Our hosts were impressed when we returned at how much we enjoyed the local foliage.

My eyes stung with sudden tears. Before I knew it, I was wracked with sobs against the gnarled bark of an old elm. The anger and fear were overwhelming me. I didn't know if I could take another step.

And then I was in a man's arms. I was crying against a strong shoulder. Someone was petting my hair.

"Kathryn, I'm here," A distinctive voice said softly. I recognized it and wanted to straighten up and regain my composure, but I couldn't. I cried harder and for what seemed like an eternity.

When I finally quieted, my legs felt like lead. I wanted to go to sleep so badly. I wanted to sleep forever. Those arms still held me.

"Kathryn," Jean-Luc said softly. "Let's go. Let's go get your people back."

 

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