The Secret Logs of Mistress Janeway
by NovaD XXXVII
Little Words  

Note of What Has Gone Before: Captain Janeway fell into a deep depression while crossing an enormous void. Despondent at allowing her crew to be trapped in the Delta Quadrant, she risked being left behind to save an alien species. Her crew rebelled, unwilling to part with her.

A transporter accident involving Seven of Nine and the Doctor's mobile emitter resulted in the creation of One, an adult Borg drone possessing 29th Century technology and a child's intellect. Despite initial misgivings, One proved loyal, sacrificing himself to save the ship from assimilation by the Collective.

Around the same time B'Elanna Torres, wracked with guilt for surviving the Dominion slaughter of the Maquis, began engaging in ever more reckless holo simulations. Commander Chakotay confronted her with her guilt and set her on the long path towards acceptance and grief.

Inspired by an encounter with an alien ship using a revolutionary 'slip stream' drive, the crew spent six months preparing Voyager to duplicate the effect. Commander Chakotay and Ensign Harry Kim agreed to guide Voyager using Tom Paris' custom-built shuttlecraft, the Delta Flyer. Chakotay shared a last dinner with Janeway. A dangerous component of a dangerous mission, he faced success or death. Voyager found neither, the slip stream collapsing not long after formation. Only afterwards was it discovered that the drive had suffered a catastrophic failure, destroying Voyager and all on board. Chakotay and Kim had survived and spent years trying to alter the past so that Voyager would live.

Captain's Personal Log:

Little words. Short declarative sentences. I’ve never had trouble uttering them before. I’ve rarely had trouble coming to terms with the consequences of those sentences. And it is a point of principle for me that I am able to handle any sentence said to me. I’ve certainly never said anything that later made me hide, but then the Delta Quadrant seemed to be the place for first times.

There were some sentences that brought forth wonderful things for me. "I will not comply," for instance. Of course, it was Seven. It’s hard to imagine those words being more than exasperating -- as they often were. But as an exclamation point to the mutiny on my Bridge, it was like music.

I had been in such a dark, desperate place. Beyond any sort of comfort and consoling. There was nothing that could be said. I knew all the arguments and rationalizations. Words, even words of reason, could not reach me then. There were offers to help me forget. I could not doubt that the talent and the drive present to do so. But I had to refuse, because I felt that I didn’t deserve such comfort or pleasure. There was no one who could reach me. There was nothing that could reach me.

The possibility to stay behind and close the wormhole was a blessing. I could at least pay for what I’d done to them. Marooning seemed benign for all that they had lost. Then, maybe if the fates decreed, I would never have to think about that again. Though I can honestly say that death was not what I actively sought, I did not flinch at the possibility of ending the pain.

Then, there was the ‘mutiny.’ And while I was not surprised by the actions and sentiments of my senior staff, Seven’s statement said with the usual defiance was this time ironic and very endearing. I realized at that moment that her rescue was worth what we’d been through. So were Neelix and Kes. All the relationships we’d built were worth the pain. The cold knot wedged in my heart dissolved. By the time we completed our little maneuver against the Malon, I was eyeing Seven and Kim with a mind on how the Mistress would deal with their defiance. As well intentioned as it was, it was defiance nonetheless.
 
 

I sent for them a short time later. I wanted the memory of those feelings to be fresh in my mind. They were especially subdued in my presence. And excited. Mr. Kim was at full attention before removing his clothes. Seven’s nipples were rock hard... I knew she was very wet. I had them on their knees resting on their calves with legs spread arms crossed at the wrists.

"So... pet... you will not comply?"

Seven looked puzzled. "I am here to serve, Mistress."

"So, it’s only on my Bridge that you defy me?" I asked placidly.

"No, Mistress," Seven replied haltingly. "I thought the decision was unwise..."

Kim cringed on her behalf. I gently tapped his shoulder with the riding crop to keep him quiet.

"I see. Then it is your intent to only obey orders that you think are wise," I said.

Seven actually blushed as she struggled to find the right words.

"The Captain is wise. This was an extreme situation," she said quietly.

"Why?" I demanded.

"You... you were leaving Voyager. I... We did not want you to go," she whispered. The woman was actually trembling.

"Alright. Thus, as long as I don’t deliberately put myself in harm’s way, my orders can be obeyed?" I asked.

"Mistress... I do not know what to say."

"Maybe you can help, Mr. Kim," I said. Seven exhaled with great relief.

"When you and Chakotay were left on New Earth, it was true I was going crazy missing the Mistress. But we all missed the Captain," he said. "Tuvok was fine and we all knew and did our jobs, but it was like the soul of the ship was missing.

"I think we’d all rather be marooned out here than go through that again."

"Is that what you meant, Seven? Would you miss me?"

She blushed more deeply. "I would have difficulty adapting to your absence."

I almost cried. The simple statement meant the world to me.

"I’m here," I said quietly. "Show me how glad you are."

Mr. Kim took the lead. He was on his feet in an instant. Then, I was in his arms being carried to my bed. With practiced hands, he removed my leathers.

"Seven, eat her," he rasped.

"Yes," she sighed.

Kim’s eyes were dark and intense as he lowered over me. He kissed me pouring all the emotion he was feeling. That was sweet and powerful on it’s own, what Seven was doing sent me into the stratosphere. That woman was an incredible student even to how to learn me. She was tonguing and sucking -- even nipping with her teeth. I screamed against Kim’s mouth. Only Barrows could make me come harder. And she was not quite experienced yet! While I was still throbbing, Kim pulled away.

"Mistress..." he whispered. "Seven... she’ll want to taste your mouth."

"Yes," Seven said.

They moved over me. My legs were parted then his big beautiful cock was thrusting inside me. I had not finished coming and then I was coming again. Kim was an expert at moving in me while manipulating my already sensitive clit. Seven’s kisses were sweet and sincere and flavored with me. I had no breath to scream. I moaned in her mouth.

Afterwards, I lay between them holding and being held. Seven allowed me to hold her through the night. I felt very close to her or rather, I realized how close she felt to me.
 
 

This became more apparent in the wake of One’s presence on Voyager. That was a being of few but well selected words. He spoke in simple elegant sentences. One touched me. Seven’s pride in him moved me. Her need for my approval of him astonished me. The days of my questioning the influence on her were over. Seven was as much mine as any of my crew or my Circle.

When he died for us, I let her grieve in private for the most part as we all did. But there was a point when Seven’s eyes were most hollow and bleak. I summoned her to my quarters. I merely asked how she was doing and the floodgates opened.

"I miss him," she said.

I held her for hours letting her cry until there were no more tears left. A simple, heartfelt statement full of dismay and loss. My beautiful Borg was very human. Nothing could ever take that from her.
 
 

"I can’t feel anything." Another simple declarative statement. When Chakotay told me the reason for Torres’ strange behavior, I was astonished. When he suggested the remedy, I almost fell out of my chair.

"You should take her back into the Circle," he had said.

I gasped at him. That was a sentence that I hadn’t expected.

"I’m not telling the Mistress how to run her circle," he said quickly. "I’m merely informing you of what she wouldn’t tell you herself."

"B’Elanna can tell me anything," I’d snapped.

"She can, but she won’t."

"You know her pride. She chose Tom over the Circle. She doesn’t want to admit being wrong." Chakotay said. "She thinks it would diminish her in your eyes."

"Nonsense. None of us can predict how a relationship will work out. Her choice was natural and sound," I replied.

"She doesn’t know that. She needs more support than any one man can give," he’d said. "You know I’d never ask this if it weren’t true. She needs the Mistress."

I’d said nothing. I’d known for a long time how fragile she was. Tom had been trying so very hard... what about Tom? I agreed to think about it. I remained surprised at Chakotay’s proposal. He never ceased to surprise me. And it never ceased to annoy me how often he was right.

The puzzle was how to bring her back without destroying her lover’s self esteem.
 
 

"It’s been a long time," was what he said as we sat across the small, candlelit table in my room.

I had not said that the dinner would have anything to do with the Circle. Yet from the tone of his voice and the weight of his words, I knew that he knew what the topic of conversation was to be.

"Yes, it has, Tom," I replied with a wry smile. "A very long time."

"How is Mistress Barrows?"

I chuckled. "She’s well. She’s been in absolute heaven since Seven came to me."

"Can’t blame her for that," Tom said. "I’ve been in heaven thinking about that."

"She also has some pointed opinions about Captain Proton," I said not wanting to dwell on Seven. "Thus, far I’ve prevailed upon her not to act on them."

"Why? That could be fun."

"Fun is one word for it," I said.

Tom fell silent once more. After a few moments of companionable silence, he met my gaze once more.

"I’ve missed being yours," he said.

"And you have no idea how much I’ve missed you, my most insolent pet," I replied solemnly. "I’ve missed you both terribly."

"Do you want us to return?"

"My wants are irrelevant. I will always want you both with me," I replied. "The question is whether or not it’s good for you to come back and how to bring you back."

"How? I don’t understand."

"The decision is whether to bring you back as a couple and integrate you back that way..."

"Or bring us back one at a time." Tom said. A light dawned on him. "It’s about B’Elanna, isn’t it?"

"Yes, Tom."

"B’Elanna’s been having trouble since leaving you. Everything that hits her seems to hit harder," he said thoughtfully. "It’s not the sex though. I think it’s the emotional intimacy she misses. I’m certain that’s part of her hostility toward Seven. She knows that Seven is getting what she needs."

I sipped my wine thoughtfully. Tom seemed to be processing. His eyes met mine.

"You want to take her back," he said. "Just her."

"Just her for now, pet," I said. "If you come back now with B’Elanna in this fragile state, she’ll never get close to me. She wouldn’t focus on the session. She would be jealous of you and Seven or you and Kim..."

"Or you and me..."

"It isn’t rational in light of her training," I said. "But I don’t think that rational is the operative word here."

Tom sighed. "I could lose her. When she was a Dom, I always thought she would go to Harry..."

"She won’t be with anyone but me and Mistress Barrows. She isn’t ready for anything else," I said.

Tom got up from the table to look out the window. I followed standing close but not touching him.

"I would never do anything to hurt your relationship," I said. "When she is ready for sessions with others I will bring you back. Meanwhile, enjoy the fallout."

"Fallout?"

I smiled a witchy smile. "My sweet little Klingon won’t be allowed to come in my presence for some time. She will have to come to you."

Tom turned to face me. He was very close -- close enough that I felt the warmth of his breath.

"I’ve missed your... creativity," he whispered.

I arched toward him longing to taste his fair skin. "I miss your enthusiasm and unpredictability,"

"Gods, Mistress," he sighed. "It’s been so long."

The words seemed torn from him. The man was trembling with the effort to control himself.

"Don’t, Tom. Go to B’Elanna," I said. It was an effort on my part as well. A vigorous romp with Mr. Paris was almost irresistible. But I did resist. "Soon, pet. Very soon."

"I can’t wait," he rasped then left me.
 
 

"So you can’t feel anything?" I said to her. I scheduled a dinner like I had with Tom. B’Elanna seemed happy to be with me. Then, I uttered that sentence. She closed off.

"Haven’t I explained this enough to everyone?" Torres snapped.

"You haven’t explained it to everyone."

"Who else is left? Naomi Wildman?"

I looked at her placidly. "You haven’t explained it to me why when you wanted punishment, that you turned to a holodeck program. And not even an appropriate one."

"But Captain..."

I looked at her pointedly.

"Mistress..."

She sighed literally sagging in her seat. "Mistress... I didn’t know what to do... how to ask... then, there was Tom..."

"I talked to him."

She shook her head. "That explains last night."

"I didn’t touch him."

"That definitely explains last night," she laughed softly.

"You will only be with me or Barrows for a while," I explained. "Just don’t neglect him."

Her eyes were shimmering. "What do I do now?"

"Have you forgotten everything, Dear One," I said with an edge to my soft tone. "Take off your clothes and get on your knees."

It was not the most graceful move I’d ever seen. There were limbs and clothes flying everywhere. Her awkward speed almost made me laugh.

"Don’t sprain anything, pet," I smiled.

Torres shot me a hateful look as she nearly tripped out of her pants... After a bit more contortions she lowered herself onto the floor and assumed the proper position.

"I’d almost forgotten how lovely your skin is," I said stroking her back with my riding crop. I felt a slight shudder run up the length of the instrument from her body.

"Fear, pet?"

"No, Mistress..."

I wanted to find out if she was wet, but I also knew that she would come the moment the fingers were pressed inside.

"What do I warm up first?" I wondered out loud.

That was mainly to torment the lass. Because of her recent activities, my options were limited to the softer tissue of that lovely, round behind. In considering this option, I had to keep in mind that B’Elanna had far less reverb than Seven. The stroke had to be adjusted slightly. The crop wouldn’t do either. She was out of practice. The paddle would do nicely.

And I applied it with enthusiasm until she was red and trembling. Her breath was labored.

"Do you feel anything now, pet?" I asked placidly.

"Y-yes, Mistress," she gasped.

"And what do you feel, Dear One?"

Torres struggled for words. "Heat... pain... need..."

"Need?"

"I want... your mouth... anything... need... to come..."

"You do remember your training, then?"

"Yes..."

"Good. Contemplate what obedience will bring," I said. "And use that fire on your mate."

She got herself together quickly. The cheeks on her face were flaming as much as the ones on her ass. It was lovely

I found myself smiling my most witchy smile as Torres started to leave.

"Thank you, Mistress," she said quietly before scooting out the door.

A simple statement said with said with gratitude and desire. The possibilities were exhilarating. That thank you buoyed me for a long, long time.
 
 

Little words. Just little words. I was immersed in the possibilities of the changes in my Circle. The challenge of retraining Torres and preparing Seven for sessions beyond Kim and me intrigued me. Even Barrows had little experience with such a unique situation. I was trail blazing, she’d remarked. The Dear Woman had even suggested that I add to the training manual. This was incredibly touching as her book was the reference source for all who sought to live the life of domination and service. The thought had been daunting.

All of that had been obliterated with two little words: Slip Stream. Somehow, Torres and Seven had figured out a way to make it work. Thus, the next months were consumed with implementing it. Any longings we may have felt were put on hold for the sake of this project. We were so close to getting home, we could see nothing else.

But that would mean that there wasn’t time to think about what happened beyond that experiment. I pretty much knew what I would do with my career after an extended vacation. I knew that I would spend a lot of time at the Club with the Circle to figure out where they wanted to go with their service. Those matters were a given for me after long hours of contemplation over the time spent on Voyager. There was one subject, however, that did not lend itself to an easy decision.

When I asked Chakotay to dinner with me the night before our attempt, I had no real idea what I was going to say to him. We had avoided -- or I had avoided any talk of a future beyond the Delta Quadrant. That night there were really only two options that lay before me: Death for our arrogance or a new existence. For some reason that escapes me entirely and that I cannot now fathom, a third prospect just never occurred to me.

Maybe I wanted a reason for letting it all out in the open. Gods, my mind is a total blank where my reasoning of that night is concerned. Perhaps it is the current trauma.

The dinner was pleasant. I blew nearly all the rations I had to get the flavors absolutely perfect and to generate copious amounts of wine for the festivities. I needed a lot of courage for some reason.

We were on the last course before I felt brave enough to shift the topic away from the ship and the actual mission.

"Have you thought about what will happen to you when you get back?" I asked.

Chakotay gave a wry smile. "It’s been on my mind with every other thought lately. On good days, I think that Starfleet will look at my service on Voyager and all it has discovered and decide that I’ve more than made amends for whatever crimes they hold against the Maquis."

"And on bad days?"

"I often want to have a long talk with Paris about prison," he replied.

"That won’t happen, Chakotay," I said with certainty. "Aside from all the evidence and testimony on your side, I can exert some extremely effective pressure on Starfleet if I have to."

"What if those who served you are no longer in power?"

I was unconcerned. "The Club was designed to continue beyond Barrows and beyond me. It continues to gather data. Those who run it now still belong to me."

"I don’t doubt that," he replied. For the first time in a long time, I’d surprised him. "I still don’t look forward to the weeks of debriefing."

"Try months," I chuckled. "We will be separated for a long time."

He grew solemn. "Do you think we’ll ever be allowed to serve together again?"

"It’s possible," I said truthfully. "The crew on Voyager has grown so close, I wonder if it would be healthy to separate us until we’re ready. That would be up to our counselors to decide."

Chakotay nodded. Then, his gaze settled on me with a decidedly unsettling intensity. I had to get up and get some distance. But the Commander wasn’t allowing for that. He was behind me at the window almost immediately. His body was near enough to mine that I could feel his breath on my neck.

"Have you wondered..." he said softly.

"...I know it will be so hard not to look over and see your eyes," I said. "Beyond that, I don’t want to presume."

"Presume, Kathryn. Tell me what you want from me."

Chakotay wasn’t touching me, but he was close enough for his presence to drive me crazy. As always, he knew what he was doing. If he touched me, our hunger would end any discussion. There was no time left to avoid talking. I turned to him.

"I want you with me," I said in a near whisper. It was the first time I’d ever said those words out loud. "If we are together -- even with the controversy that would cause -- I could stand the debriefing. I could stand anything."

He smiled wryly but his eyes had sheened over. "Controversy... with two sentient holoprograms and a half Borg crewman"

His mirth warmed me. As always, he lifted my spirits and made my heart full. The thought of losing that stripped me of all my other fears. I touched his face gently with one hand.

"I love you," I said softly.

Chakotay closed his eyes and a tear was shed. He drew me flush with him.

"Gods, I love you," he murmured. "You will always have my heart."

The kiss was tender at first. Chakotay drew me close as he gently explored my mouth molding me to his heat.

"Make love to me," I whispered against his mouth.

"I always have, Kathryn," he rasped. "I always will..."

Lord, he did. The man lifted me in his arms. The hunger sang there beneath the surface as it always had, but it was overshadowed by a tenderness and reverence that moved me. I was undressed with absolute care. It was almost as though he’d never done it before yet the touch was as familiar as breathing.

The Commander seemed less interested in arousing me than he was in loving me. As my clothing was pealed away he nuzzled my neck sucking gently at my ear lobes. He licked at the base of my throat and my navel, the backs of my knees and the base of my spine. By the time he returned to my lips, I was very warm and trembling slightly.

"So beautiful," he whispered against my mouth

This time his mouth was demanding. His hands gently imprisoned my head carding through my hair. He wanted my passion. I gave it to him. The response was mindless and intense. I met his tongue thrust for thrust. I arched against his hard warm body opening for him begging to be taken. Chakotay would not be hurried. The nuzzling of before gave way to sucking and nipping the length of me.

"Please... gods... please..." I moaned desperately

Chakotay flashed a smile at me that made my heart skip. He settled between my legs.

"We have a short night, beautiful Kathryn... So, I’ll take you now. But next time, I’ll taste your sweetness until you scream in pleasure. Then I will pound that hot tight box until you pass out." He murmured.

I was moaning from that image when he thrust inside me. Most everything else after that is a blur. I held on and rode that thick, hot shaft until my mind shattered while his mouth tortured my nipples.

A few hours later, we were awakened to face destiny. Ultimately, we were alone in the moments before the shuttle took off. I had held Kim in a long embrace before he set about the preflight check.

"See you on the other side," he had said with confidence.

"You’ll always have my absolute confidence," I’d said.

Chakotay awaited me by the hatch. He looked somber, but there remained a warm glow in his eyes.

"Thank you for your courage," he said.

I smiled a small smile. "Better late than never," I suppose.

I gently pulled him to me and held on. "Chakotay, I’ve downloaded my official logs into the data base along with all the information you’ll need to guarantee your freedom."

He froze in my arms. "Kathryn..."

"My hopes are high," I said. "But I must be pragmatic. If Voyager doesn’t make it, promise me that you and Harry will go on and have happy lives."

"Kathryn..."

"Promise me, Chakotay," I whispered in his ear. "Remember us, but don’t mourn forever. We would all want you to be happy."

I could feel him tremble. "I will, Kathryn if it comes to that. Just remember that my heart is with you."

He kissed my temple. I let them go.
 
 

It took a long, long time to process what happened in the slipstream. We all were thrown by how close we came to destruction, but thrilled that we had shaved another ten years off our journey. I was exhausted coming to terms with all the implications.

The Commander remained silent. It wasn’t a brooding silence. He was introspective. Mr. Kim was shaken. I pressed Seven to finish her analysis of the transmission as quickly as possible for it was a certainty that self flagellation would begin soon. One person consumed with guilt was enough. I didn’t need or want competition.

It took him some time to come to me after he heard the log. Kim was so different in it. His long hair. That older, sardonic face. The regret and pain troubled me, but I still found him very sexy.

"Let it go, Ensign. That’s an order," I said when we were alone. "You’ve saved our lives and we’re ten years closer."

I tilted his chin up. "I just don’t know where to begin rewarding you."

He blushed.

"The Circle will be whole once more," I said quietly. "We will begin then."

"Yes, Mistress," I released him and moved away. "Meanwhile, go to Seven. All this has left her unsettled though she’d never admit it. I think she needs you."

"But what about you?" He asked. "You aren’t happy."

I smiled sadly. "Don’t worry. I’ve enough joi de vivre to handle all of you. Go on, pet. Enjoy."

Thus, it was that I was avoiding my Commander over a very short sentence that had my future in the balance. I was staring at this new field of stars when the bedroom door opened. Turning wasn’t necessary. The presence was palpable and familiar.

"I don’t suppose it’ll do me any good to change that security code again," I murmured.

"I do enjoy the challenge, but it takes up valuable time," he replied. Warm laughter colored his tone. "Why have I seen you for less than an hour these past few days?"

"You were with Kim," I said. "I could hear your voice."

"That doesn’t surprise me."

He was very close to me.

"From the look of Kim, you threw away another lifetime," I said quietly.

"I didn’t throw anything away. I got my life back," he said "Have your feelings changed?"

"No..." I was leaning against the bulkhead wishing I could go through to the other side and join the stars I was staring at. "But they weren’t meant for here. When I told you, I thought we’d be home..."

"Or we’d be dead. I haven’t asked for a change," he murmured in my ear. "I just don’t want to be shut out for loving you."

I collapsed against the bulkhead. He leaned against me.

"It isn’t fair to you to have less than you want," I gasped as his erection thumped against me.

"How do you know I don’t get what I want?" he breathed in my ear just before sucking it. "When will you trust me? When will you believe your own power over me?"

I didn’t feel powerful then as the Commander sucked at the curve of my neck. My knees went weak. The bulkhead was my anchor, but it offered no protection, from that hungry mouth and those questing hands. My nightgown was cleverly freed from my shoulders to pool at my ankles. He kicked away the fabric as he nudged my legs apart.

One hand snaked around my body to support my torso and torment my nipples while the other hand spread my lower lips from behind thrusting into my wetness. My ass rubbed against his uniform.

"Are you even going to get undressed?" I ground out.

"Later, I’ll spread myself naked for you," he growled. "Right now I need this. You need this."

I was hitched up then impaled. The damp heat from his breath flowed across my neck as he panted thrusting into me. Gods, he pounded me against that bulkhead without mercy. It was delicious and I held on relishing the ride until the pleasure rocked me harder than a photon blast. The Commander growled his orgasm leaning heavily against me.

The heavy weight was on me only for an instant. The next moment I found myself on the bed watching Chakotay undress

"Now, we do this again," he said softly. "And I’ll taste you and cover you and make you feel beautiful and loved. The way you make me feel."

And he did. It left me wondering if I would ever stop being afraid.

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