The Secret Logs of Mistress Janeway
by NovaD LXII
Full Circle: Meanwhile    

The Spirit and the Flesh: A Record of Personal Insights into the Journey of Kathryn Janeway and Her Crew

by Chakotay

Day ?

Ironically, the only items I was allowed to have in my cell was a bound journal and a ball point pen. I don't know what number day I left off in the last one. I'll have to fill that in when I catch up with my belongings. From the skuttlebutt I've managed to hear from guards and inmates with whom I've had some limited contact, there was a reason that I was offered the most primitive of past times. Tales of Voyager's resourcefulness and tenacity had grown to the point of legend. Some of the lore was confused. I think they believed that all of us had Borg technology coursing through our veins or that we'd melded with some telekinetic species. I really believe that my guards were disappointed when I didn't walk through walls.

I didn't do that. I sat on the bunk and stared at the wall for nearly twenty-four hours. I barely covered myself with the blankets in the cell. It was cold there. Colder than I'd ever known. Putting the prison in that arctic wasteland was brilliant. Must have taken a page from the Klingons. It was Rura Penthe lite because civilization was not that far away, but it was still inhospitable. The environment was that kind of biting, unforgiving cold would make anyone think twice about escaping. The cells probably didn't need to be that chilly. That was probably a reminder from the staff of what awaited outside. I ignored it. Fury can keep a body warm for a long while.

At first, I couldn't believe how badly we had been deceived. Eventually, I couldn't believe how we didn't see it coming. I really couldn't believe how much I had let my own guard down with the Federation. Eventually, I realized that the real chump in all of this was me. I should have known better. I had all the experience with the treacherous side of the Federation. The precautions made should have been mine and no one else's. With that in mind, I realized that if this was going to be righted, I had to be the one who did it. Kathryn was trying through channels, I was certain. I was sure she was moving Heaven and Earth outside of channels, but that wasn't enough. The Maquis needed to be free first. We could negotiate with the Federation later.

I needed to work through my anger and concentrate on what had to be done. Since acts of wanton destruction were out of the question if I didn't want to be restrained, I had to find something to do that was more meditative. Then I asked for the journal. The young boy near my door nearly jumped out of his skin. I requested something to write with. That's when I found out that I wasn't allowed a Padd. That didn't phase me. I gave the guard specs for the journal and ball point pen to replicate.

My first words reflected my foremost thoughts. Kathryn and Seven. I knew Kathryn was beyond angry. She had worked so hard on negotiating the return of the Maquis. She had studied the histories of the negotiators for their reputations and ethics. She made sure that the language was precise. There was to be no wiggle room. Ultimately, she put her faith in Admiral Paris especially in light of the marriage and the baby. Oh, I knew my Kathryn was furious over this betrayal. I had no clue what it would mean to how she viewed her career with Starfleet. It would be extremely difficult for her to take orders from the same people who had lied to her and her crew. I knew that somewhere she was likely plotting the downfall of these individuals. I almost felt sorry for them. Seven would be another matter. Her view of the Federation was largely based on Kathryn's view. That serious a betrayal of Kathryn and my imprisonment would be hard for her ordered mind to excuse. I wondered if she would still be willing to make a life in the Alpha Quadrant. I had to wonder if I still did.

This sort of thinking was not helping me focus. It sure wasn't helping me with my anger. I thought about my life with Kathryn and Seven. Waking up with them was like nothing I had ever experienced. And it wasn't just a sexual rush. That was incredible, don't get me wrong. But I also felt more loved and cherished in my life. Having two beautiful, intelligent women respect and want and love me like they did was something that I knew would not come along again. If there was a way to get back to them, I was going to find it.

So I sat and wrote random thoughts and descriptive phrases. I wouldn't call it poetry. It was pointed out to me by more than one crew member during my experiments with poetry slams as a past time, that verse was not one of my strong suits.. But writing the snippets helped calm me and focus me. By the time my dinner was shoved timidly through the door, I was ready for what I had to do. One of my past times had been the study of Ancient Popular Culture in the United States. From my studies of something called MacGyver, I had learned a surprising number of useful things. As I ate my dinner, I realized that I had a spork, a ballpoint pen and a packet of non-dairy creamer. More than I needed to affect my escape. I just hoped we had somewhere to go.

 

Lieutenant Kim's Personal Log:

"I just can't believe you didn't tell her," Tom said again. He had been on me since I got back to Voyager. And it wasn't easy to squeeze in time to chew me out. We had our hands full tricking the Starfleet personnel off the ship while finessing off the remaining Voyager crew. Somehow, we managed to a way.

"Were you having second thoughts about us?" Tom asked quietly from his station. At the time we were pulling an insane maneuver of using a shuttle craft with Voyager's signature as a decoy. We didn't have room for any sort of distraction. But I knew that Tom wouldn't let it go.

I found myself staring at the back of his head as the question sank in. I think I was expecting him to sprout another one. "Shutting down transponders and active sensors. Deploying decoy. Signature is functioning properly... How can you ask me this right now?"

"Releasing docking clamps. Breaking orbit. Course laid in for Greenland," Tom replied. His voice was a little short. "When will there be a better time, Harry? We're all alone. We won't be for long one way or the other. Answer me."

Tom's back was so rigid, it hurt me to watch him. I realized that he was bracing for rejection. Then, I felt like a complete idiot. For so long I had been worried about Libby's feelings, I never thought about Tom or B’Elanna or the Mistress.

"I never changed my mind," I replied quietly. "No sign of activity. We're still undetected. The colony still has its force field up. I couldn't stand being without you or B'Elanna."

"Prepared to land as soon as the force field is disabled," he said. Tom's shoulders relaxed in relief which made me feel even more guilty. I needed to explain even though the reasons seemed stupid in light of how many people I managed to hurt.

"It all started with the Mistress," I said. "She hid it well, but when her fiancé sent his goodbye letter, I could tell that he hurt her badly. Still haven't cracked the force field access code. Trying a G cypher. And that hurt was what popped into my head when Libby told me that she was waiting for me. I thought I would let her down slowly and gently."

"Yes, the Mistress was hurt, but she got over it," Tom said. "It was better that there was a quick, clean break."

"I know that now," I sighed. "The longer I took to get out, the harder it got... wait. The force field is down."

"Was it you?"

"Nope. Probably Chakotay."

"Deploying main gear. I'm going to set us down right next to the main building."

"Looks like they're already waiting for us," I said. We would be very busy soon. That meant I wouldn't have to talk about my mistakes for a while. Maybe I would get really lucky and have half of Starfleet on our asses. Then I wouldn't have to think of everyone I had to make amends to over my stupidity.

With the active sensors offline I couldn't tell exactly what had happened, but based on the size of the hole in the wall someone had made the mistake of giving the Commander non dairy creamer. The Maquis were just about to raise sail on the dozen or so ice runners built from bed frames and sheets when they saw us and began to make their way towards the cargo ramp.

"I've got them," I said.

"We're outta here."

Tom had us out of Earth's atmosphere and past the moon in a smooth, graceful arc. Then we blinked into warp speed.

Chakotay was on the Bridge in a matter of minutes. He was winded and looked very angry.

"Report!"

"The decoy hasn't been detected," Tom said. "I guess no one at Starfleet knows how to look out a window. We're headed for Deep Space 9."

"Where are the Captain and Seven?" He asked.

Tom handed him a padd. "She explains everything here, sir."

He took it while staring at Tom intently. The anger and desperation in his eyes were hard to look at. I wasn't sure if that device had the answers he was looking for.

"How many are on board Voyager?" Chakotay asked.

"Just us," I said. "We evacuated everyone else."

"I'll be in the Ready Room. Have the crew on board assigned to essential systems. As soon as we're relatively clear, take some relief and get some rest. I'll need you at your best," he said quietly.

"Aye sir, thank you." I said.

"Thank you," he replied. He was sad.

"By the way, Commander, how did you get the force field down?" Tom asked.

Chakotay smirked a little. "Spork."

"I always loved that episode."

We chuckled as he left the Bridge. The Captain really hated McGuyver. Chakotay was always damaging things while trying his escape scenarios. He had ruined some of the Mistress' favorite restraints. That's when she encouraged him to take up Pai Gow. The penal colony force field would be out of commission for months. It was a memory that made me smile until I remembered how angry I had made the Mistress when I last saw her. That pain I brought on myself. I couldn't imagine what Chakotay was about to go through.

 

The Spirit and the Flesh: A Record of Personal Insights into the Journey of Kathryn Janeway and Her Crew

by Chakotay

Day ? +1

I couldn't imagine a reason why Kathryn wouldn't be on Voyager while I wasn't free. I couldn't imagine where Seven and Iceb could be. I couldn't imagine what could be on that padd that could explain away such behavior. As always, Kathryn was straight to the point.

Chakotay,
Seven and Icheb are missing. This disappearance is separate from your arrest. It seems to be an action taken by a rogue faction of Starfleet Intelligence. I have a lead that must be acted upon at once. I also want to keep you and the imprisoned crew out of what I must do. Your permanent freedom is paramount to me. Protect yourself with as many allies as you can and wait for me at Deep Space Nine. Barrows and Vic Fontaine will coordinate your push to force the Admiralty to live up to their agreement. I'll be there as soon as I can -- likely with all of perdition chasing me. I will get them back. I wrote this knowing that a guard would be foolish enough to give you a piece of string and a toothpick or something else that would set you free. Gird your loins and fight as hard as we have ever fought. Know that my thoughts are with you.
Kathryn

I took a few long deep breaths then set the device down. The note was distant. I discovered that her logs had been purged. With the betrayal she had endured, no chance would be taken that anything would fall into the wrong hands. There was no guarantee that any communication would be private. I heard her though. I knew she was angry and frightened. I needed her with me. I hoped that she needed me, too. And that I wasn't sure about that. There was only one person with the kind of firepower and willingness to take on Starfleet Intelligence. Kathryn was on the Enterprise with Picard.

"Chakotay to Bridge."

"Yes, Commander," Kim said.

"Get me Deep Space Nine. Encrypt the transmission. Then get me Vic Fontaine at the Club."

"Aye, sir."

Kira Nerys was running the station these days. She'd made Colonel. Kathryn had appraised her of our situation once she left Earth. Kira hadn't been part of the establishment for so long that she didn't know a raw deal when she saw it. She offered us asylum immediately.

"The real trick will be the last 70,000 kilometers to the station," she added. "You do know we're now headquarters for the Ninth Fleet. About 300 ships."

"I've faced worse odds."

She shrugged. "Well, it's been over a month since my last diplomatic incident. It was getting dull."

We agreed to meet at Quark's and share some war stories. Seems she had some as intriguing as mine. The call from the Club came with a surprise.

"Hello, gorgeous," Barrows said.

"Greetings, Mistress," I said. Somehow, it was a comfort to see her. "Have you heard from Kathryn?"

"Not since she left nor do I expect to until this is over," she said. "What can you tell me?"

"The fabulous Mr. Fontaine has been sending some personal messages to certain members of the Admiralty," she said. "They have made some transgressions which they were foolish enough to share. Their careers will be ended and the whole Admiralty will be put under a very large microscope. They allowed Kathryn to be crossed. They will be spanked... hard. Best you are spared the details."

"Undoubtedly."

She laughed at that. "There's my Commander. We're already getting a reaction. It'll wreak havoc on reservations for a while, but c'est la vie."

"Will the Club be okay?"

"Absolutely," she said. "We have so many baubles and bangles that their best military minds would love to get a look at. I understand that the Club was the only place that was not concerned about the Dominion."

That didn't surprise me. "How is your replacement doing?"

She laughed wickedly. "They took her to visit Dr. Zimmerman. It should be spectacular. I'll let you know how it turns out."

"Thank you, I think," I said. "What should we be doing besides not getting caught?"

"Use that resourcefulness, my dear. After all, you have right on your side," she said. "And get some rest. You'll need your strength. And eat. You need to eat."

"Yes, Mistress," I said. I found myself smiling. Then she was gone. I realized then that I was tired an I was hungry. I hadn't allowed anything to intrude on my anger while I had been in captivity.

I opened a channel to the Bridge. "Any signs of a pursuit?"

"Aye, sir. Two ships at extreme sensor range. They're keeping their distance," he replied. "And civilian traffic is being routed away from us."

"They won't make a move until we're closer to the station." Even if the letters don't work. "Best chances for an intercept are just outside Bajoran space. When relief comes, take it. You too, Mr. Kim. We all need to be battle ready."

"Aye, sir." Paris replied.

We've been in this place before. There would be hours, maybe days before we had to face disaster. Somehow, we managed to live our lives around those times. I had some soup while reviewing ship's status. I needed sleep. Kathryn left the blanket she always kept on that sofa. I doubted that was a mistake. I wrapped it around me breathing in her scent and drifted off.

 

Lieutenant Kim's Personal Log:

Tom had forgotten about our problems. Even with Starfleet on our tail he enjoyed sudden random course changes.

"Just to keep them on their toes," Tom said with a big smile. "Are we really going to Bajor? Maybe we're going to Romulus. Or Vulcan. Or Risa. Or maybe back to the Delta Quadrant. You'll just have to wait and see you pea brained toadies!"

"Maybe if we aren't all in prison, you could do a lecture," I said.

"I might just do that. Ah, relief at last."

Two Maquis arrived on the Bridge to take our stations. I felt weird letting them since they had been in prison for two days.

"C'mon Harry," Tom said. "Food and rest."

"You go, Tom. I'll take mine when you come back," I said.

"No way, Lieutenant. We have our orders and you don't get off that easy," he said. I then got shoved into the turbolift.

Tom was on me as soon as the doors swished closed. He pressed me against the nearest surface then kissed me gently and thoroughly. Gods, I needed his kiss. It was claiming and needy and just what I needed to remind me of where I wanted to be. I couldn't help but respond pressing back and moaning. I sighed when the turbolift stopped.

"That's my slut," Tom smiled then pulled me to our quarters.

There wasn't much left at home, but the replicator still worked. In fact, all of Voyager's original systems had been restored to pre-mission levels. We didn't have to worry about rations. I whipped up a quick supper. We didn't have any real tea, but it was close enough. Tom found Starfleet issue bedding in the closet. He made the bed piling lots of pillows at the headboard. I found him waiting for me in his underwear. For some reason, I hesitated. It was hard to believe that it was this easy to get back to where we were.

"I need you, Harry," Tom said simply. "And I love you. Now get your clothes off and get in bed."

I did as I was told. Tom looked tired and I was tired of fighting. We ate in a comfortable silence. The sound of the ship was soothing. Our bodies were close enough to share warmth. That helped to ease tension. After the food was gone, Tom pulled me down into his arms then turned me flat on my back. I got kissed and pressed down again. His hands were in my hair. His tongue was loving my mouth. When Tom pulled back, his eyes were warm. Then he half draped over me then nuzzled my neck. I held him and let my body absorb his warmth. I needed him, too. He was asleep in minutes. I followed soon after.

 

The Spirit and the Flesh: A Record of Personal Insights into the Journey of Kathryn Janeway and Her Crew

by Chakotay

Day ? +4

Barrows had been right. I felt better when I took the Bridge. The chill had been warmed out of my body. My head was clearer. I no longer felt like I was going to fly apart at the seams. The feel of the Bridge was different, too. It might have been my imagination, but I could swear that when I came onto the Bridge that I had interrupted a lover's spat between Kim and Paris. There hadn't been that much tension between them in years. But it was all gone just hours later. They were both still a little on edge, but that was the same kind of vibe I felt any time Voyager was facing down trouble.

The journey was almost routine. Eventually Paris got bored with his course changes and we settled into a straight out run to Bajor. Our pursuers never tried to contact us and we never contacted them.

About one light year from our destination I called the ship to battle stations. There were about a dozen ships waiting at the border, and more spread out along all possible evasion routes. This could get ugly.

"Lieutenant Kim," I asked.

"Their shields are up, weapons charged, but they haven't locked on yet."

"Raise our shields. Do not power up the weapons."

"Aye, sir."

"Lieutenant Paris."

"Aye, sir."

"Are any of the ships actually in our path?"

That took him a moment. "Uh... We'll pass within 40 meters of the Akron, but, no."

"Then hold course."

So many possibilities, so many options. I had to wonder just what was in those letters. As the distance closed and all sides remained equally vigilant, I glanced about the Bridge. I had faith. But I could see the tension even in Mr. Kim's eyes.

"The Captain knows what she's doing."

Passing a stationary object at warp speed is not the same as passing it under impulse. Warp fields can interact with them in unpredictable ways. I saw Mr. Paris tense up involuntarily just before we reached the Akron.

"Hang on."

Voyager shuttered as the warp field clipped the Akron and destabilized. Paris held the ship together as it dropped out of warp some 900,000 kilometers past the blockade. Everyone exhaled.

"Status."

"We'll have warp power back in a moment," Paris replied.

"Excellent. Mr. Kim, what about our friends?"

Mr. Kim was already on it. "The Akron's almost stopped spinning. No major damage apparent. The rest haven't moved."

"Will they be okay?" We didn't need more charges.

"As long as they haven't eaten within the last hour."

"Very well. Mr. Paris, best speed to Deep Space Nine."

The last 70,000 kilometers proved to be the least eventful. There were hundreds of Federations ships about and they all stayed comfortably but casually from the station.

Voyager was allowed to dock at one of the upper pylons. We were met at the airlock by a gun toting Colonel Kira and a squad of heavy armed men. I was taken aback. She was polite and to the point.

"If you just stay calm and follow instructions we'll have this all resolved quickly without unnecessary property damage or loss of life," she said. "Now, you're not going to believe this, but we received a message from Starfleet Intelligence claiming that you weren't really the crew of Voyager but some kind of duplicate, imposter, alternate reality doppleganger or robot. Take your pick."

"You don't actually believe that?" I replied.

"No. But I've learned to be prudent. So as soon as we can have you cleared medically, we can get back to our diplomatic stalemate in peace."

Kira and her staff were veteran trouble makers who knew all the tricks and were taking no chances. We were beamed one at a time to sickbay to be examined. And although we had been allowed to dock, Voyager was now under the sights of dozens of phase cannons and photon torpedo launchers.

I found myself in the presence of a Doctor Bashir. I knew the drill.

"I'm ready now for my anal probe," I said as I slid down my zipper.

He waved his hand. "We have already reached the limits of what anal probing can teach us. Roll up your sleeve."

The exam itself didn't take long. Afterwards I was beamed into a blank cubicle devoid of even a paper clip.

After a while, hours at least, a door opened and Kira entered.

"Now that that's out of the way, how about I buy you that drink at Quark's?"

 

Lieutenant Kim's Personal Log:

I thought they'd never turn us loose. Tom was waiting for me and we hugged briefly. I wanted to attack him but that wouldn't have been prudent around all the prying eyes. We'd found that the Bajorans had already secured Voyager to the station. There was nothing left to do. We had made it.

That's when it hit us. There was nothing left to do. It was all out our hands. We were safe. We would be okay, for as long as the Bajorans wanted us, which could be forever. But we had also lost our ability to influence events. The Captain, Seven, B'Elanna, little Miral; there was nothing we could do for them. B'Elanna especially, now so far away, no idea of how she was doing, what she knew was happening. Suddenly I was depressed. It wasn't fair that we were here when she was still in captivity back on Earth.

I could see it in Tom's eyes as well. Back on Voyager, in our quarters, we embraced again, then we both pulled away, embarrassed and guilty. Tom stared out the window at the station. I made some coffee. We pretended to drink it.

A call came in for Tom, from Starfleet, from his father. He almost didn't answer.

"Tom," he said.

"Dad," Tom replied.

They stared at each other for a moment. I felt very uncomfortable staying in the room, even though Admiral Paris couldn't see me from where I was.

"I heard you made it to Bajor okay," he said. "I was hoping you would."

"Gets me out of your hair," Tom replied. He was so angry.

"Tom, please. I don't want to argue. I don't want to hurt you. Can we talk?"

It took Tom a moment to consider. "I'm sorry."

"We've gotten so good at hurting each other," his father continued. "We don't know how to stop. I want to stop."

"So do I Dad."

"Kathryn made good on her threat. It's a mess down here. Two admirals have resigned, others are working on their excuses. The investigations should be going on for quite some time. I don't know, maybe it is for the best. There has always been a difference between a man and his image. Maybe there shouldn't be as much. I owe Kathryn an apology, several apologies. You wouldn't know where she is, would you?"

"No, Dad."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't ask. About Kathryn. This whole situation between her and us... It's... awkward... very awkward. But no matter what happened between her and me, and no matter what happened between her... and you... it shouldn't mean anything to us. You're still my son, and I still care about you."

"Yes, Dad. I know."

"Do you think we can try not to hurt each other?"

Tom took longer than he should have to speak. I think Admiral Paris understood even though it still hurt to sit through the pause and Tom's non committal reply. He looked at me before answering.

"Yeah."

That led to another long pause.

"I have some good news, Tom," the Admiral finally said. "While Starfleet sorts all this out I got B'Elanna released into my custody."

For once, Tom focused on the important part. "B'Elanna? Can I talk to her?"

"Just a minute."

B'Elanna took the Admiral's place in front of the screen. She looked tired still, but less so. Miral was bundled up asleep in her arms. I craned to get a better look.

"Hi, Tom."

"Hi." Tears were in his eyes. "How are you doing."

"I'm fine. Tired. But, I'm okay."

"How's our baby?"

"Adorable. Quiet."

"That'll change."

"Don't I know it."

This time it was a good pause.

"I contacted the Doctor," B'Elanna finally said. "He's on his way back from the Matterhorn. He wants to check in on us."

"Well, he is a doctor not a mountain climber."

"How's Harry?"

"He's fine."

"Good. Good. You take care of each other. This will all be over and we'll be back together soon." I had tears in my eyes.

The conversation wandered aimlessly for a while. Then she had to go. The Admiral said goodbye as well. Alone again, we collapsed into each others arms. It was a long hug, and I felt as if Tom never wanted to let me go. It was just as well, because neither did I.

 

The Spirit and the Flesh: A Record of Personal Insights into the Journey of Kathryn Janeway and Her Crew

by Chakotay

Day Whatever

Colonel Kira and I were enjoying a raktajino at Quark's. Her stories really were as good as mine. I think the oddest thing for me was the oddest thing for her, getting use to thinking of Cardassians as something other than enemies. I was explaining the similar problem I had been having with the Borg when she was called back to Ops for an urgent message. A moment later every Starfleet crewman in the bar hurried out.

A short while later she asked me to join her. I could guess why. She spoke first.

"Please understand, I'll do everything I can. But you have to promise me not to leave or get involved in any way. The situation is complicated enough already. You have to trust us."

It was against my every instinct. But I understood all she had done for us so far. "You have my word."

I looked at the tactical display. It was the Enterprise; it was Kathryn. Headed straight for us with all of perdition following her.

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