Need
part 1
By Palinurus
Februay 17, 1999
Agent Mulder - it's Fox, isn't it? Yes. I'm not surprised that we find ourselves here. You probably are. Not many people come here; no-one ever talks about it. When you leave, you'll understand why.
No, I won't let you go for a while yet, I'm afraid. There's a lesson to be learned here, and judging by what I've been told about you, you're a slow learner in some areas.
I had been warned about you before we met. By several people; but the most detailed warning came from your present boss - Walter Skinner. When he told me about you, I knew the chance was very good that it would come to this. I'm fairly sure that he knows what makes you tick, too. I don't understand why he still puts up with your behavior - puts up with it, that is, without ever really doing anything about it. Oh yes, he chews you out, he shouts at you, he reprimands you. But you don't really mind that, do you? You squirm and wiggle a bit, you look resentful, and that's it, until the next time.
When we met in person, I was even more convinced I'd pegged you right. Pretty boy, nervous, jumpy, flighty - and misbehaving with a vengeance. You think you're unique, Agent Mulder. You think no one else has your particular combination of genius, looks, and neuroses. It's true, you wouldn't have been able to get away with what you do if you didn't combine these three assets. But you're not the only one who has them; not by a long shot. People like you tend to converge around the Group, I suppose. I've seen my share.
Remember I touched you, the first time we met? I put my hand in your neck, and you moved your head just so, to make the most of my touch... That's when I was sure.
Yes, I'll bet you're ready to kill me right now. Unfortunately that's not how things are at the moment. Maybe you'll get your chance later; although I doubt you'll be able to hang on to your anger for long. In the meantime, please feel free to loudmouth me. It will tell me how you're doing, and I'll wait it out.
I know your type well, Agent Mulder. That's why you're here. Before you leave this room, one of two things will have happened - we will have reached an understanding, or you will be afraid of me. In either case, you will be the one to yield. I know you're not used to yielding. I'm sure Walter could make you yield, but he won't. Maybe he's too civilized. Maybe he enjoys watching your antics. Maybe he's afraid the OPC will go after him if he tries to do what I'm going to do. I'm not in the FBI anymore, and the Group has no OPC. I don't enjoy watching your attempts to self-destruct, and I'm not a very civilized person anymore. I'll tame you.
You might as well stop squirming. I know you're not very comfortable. This thing you're tied to is a whipping horse. It's not designed for comfort. It could be worse - your head is supported, you don't have to hold it up yourself. The cuffs are lined with fleece, so you can struggle to your heart's desire without hurting yourself. Your feet touch the floor. It could be a lot worse.
I told Walter I didn't want you here. It was you who wanted this assignment, and he thought you might be able to contribute something. And you did, I'm not denying it. Your contribution was invaluable, but it doesn't excuse your behavior. I told Walter I wouldn't put up with that kind of behavior. And I told you the same. Remember the first time we met, when was it? Only five days ago? I told you then that I'd been warned about you, and that I wouldn't tolerate your wiles. I told you not to go off without permission, not to put yourself or others at unnecessary risk, not to engage in any dangerous action without backup.
Ah, yes - there's something about your neck. You like getting touched there, don't you? You react like a cat in heat.
Well, I'm glad you're still angry enough to yell at me - we don't want to make this too easy, do we?
So off you went, without permission. When you came back, I berated you, and reminded you of what I'd told you before. You sat, fidgeted, looked away, and then, when you thought I wouldn't notice, furtively looked at me. I don't remember if you promised to be good; it didn't matter, I knew your promise was worthless. Off you went again, this time to get yourself caught and almost killed. Although I knew it was futile, when you turned up again, I talked to you once more. I told you never to do it again, like a bad little boy. Like a good little boy, you promised.
Within 24 hours after I'd given you the second sermon, you disappeared, and came back with your prize two days later. You caught the bastard single-handedly, Agent Mulder, and hauled him back here. It was an amazing feat, and I admire you for it. But you must know that your transgressions will not be tolerated, regardless of their results. You went off and did exactly what I'd told you not to do. It ended well, but that's beside the point.
So we find ourselves here.
You're sweating badly, Agent Mulder. Am I frightening you? I won't hurt you, or not much. Which isn't to say you'll have it easy.
I like the way your skin tightens over your ribs when I touch them.
This is what you were after, wasn't it? You seek out these confrontations. It would be so easy to tell me where you're going. It would be so simple to hold yourself back and think before you throw yourself into the next mortal danger. But then I wouldn't have to worry about you, to send others after you to get you out of trouble, or go after you myself. I'm not playing, Agent Mulder. Your stakes are too high, and besides, I have better things to do.
It seems it's getting easier for you? You've certainly stopped squirming, and I haven't heard a curse in a while. Systematic desensitization; if I keep touching you, you'll get used to it. But with your background, I'm sure you know all about that.
You're tied down here because I need to get it through your stubborn head that I know why you're doing this, what you hope to get out of it. And that there are faster, easier, and less dangerous ways to get what you want. I've had them tie you down because I know you won't listen otherwise. Oh, you'll hear me out, because you have to, but your entire body, all of you except your voice will be shouting at me that I'm wasting my time.
I've wasted my time with you twice before, and you've used up your credit. I'll talk to you, but that will only be to explain what I'm doing - my lesson will be non-verbal. And you'll learn it quickly. I'm going to make love to you. Some might say I'm going to rape you; I call it making love, because that's what it is. Because it's what you yearn for, and because it will save your life. If I don't stop you, your game will go on. Then one of these days you're going to go over the top in trying to get me to notice you, you'll miscalculate, and you'll be dead. And that would be a tremendous shame.
I notice you anyway, Agent Mulder. So does Walter. We just have to make you believe that. Walter lacks the means to make you believe it. I don't.
First I'm going to get these clothes off you. I'll leave the cuffs on - you appear to be very angry, and I don't feel like a fight. It's too bad you came here in off-duty garb, Agent Mulder. I would have greatly enjoyed cutting one of those classy Armani's off you. As it is, there's not even a leather jacket to ruin. It's usually a good start to cut up something expensive; it tends to intimidate people.
But of course there are many other ways.
Don't move now. This knife is quite sharp, and moving is useless; if you go on writhing, I'll just restrain your legs as well, and whatever else I need to restrain if you still wrestle. The result will be the same, but you'll be a lot more uncomfortable. There, that's better. I'll cut the sleeves loose, too, it looks a lot neater that way.
Oh yes, you're certainly attractive. A wonderful back. But then, you'd have learned your lesson a long time ago if you didn't have that asset.
You're trembling. I'm not surprised; this must be very confrontational for you. Confronting oneself is never easy. It generates a lot of rage and a lot of fear. But ultimately it's very cathartic. I'm sure your know that too.
Don't try to move away from my hand, Agent Mulder. You'll be worn out before we even get started if you keep this up. Get used to letting me touch you, that will make things a lot easier later. Put your head down, it's a lot of work to keep it up. Or not - whatever you prefer.
No, don't worry, it isn't *that* time yet. I'm just going to stand behind you and hold you until you calm down a bit. Do me a favor and don't bash my head with yours - that will be very painful for both of us. Good. Now settle down a bit. Yes, that's my erection - I hope you won't blame me for looking forward to this afternoon's proceedings. You're very handsome, and I have a serious suspicion that you're a virgin. Well, I guess I can't blame you for not commenting on that. I'll go easy on you. I'm not out to hurt you.
Think a bit about what's happening, Agent Mulder. How are you feeling? Nervous, I know, but apart from that? You have my undivided attention now. You know where it's going, no matter what you do. How does that feel? No, you won't say it, I know that. I'll tell you. It feels wonderful. I know it does. Not just because you're so erect already, but also because when I look past your nervousness, I feel you move exactly the way you moved when I first touched you. When I stroke your ribs with my fingertips...
That's what I mean. Don't be embarrassed; that would be as silly as being embarrassed because you have dark hair. It's what you are.
Good, you are relaxing a bit. I'll take my time, Agent Mulder. I'm certainly enjoying this, and rushing it does no good to anyone. I notice you tense up every time my hands come close to... there. I already know you're erect; there's no need to keep up your squeamish act.
Your skin feels very nice, smooth, silky... Just try to relax, don't move. Put your head down. It's really a very slow massage. And it will be for a while. No harm in enjoying it - everyone would. I'm good at it.
You're still quite jumpy. I'm going to unzip your fly. It must be getting quite uncomfortable to be so constrained. I can't imagine why you have to flush now - we both know exactly what's going on here, unless your subconscious has deluded you even further than I thought. You want me to control you. I want to oblige. Let yourself enjoy this - it won't happen often.
For a while, when I realized what was going on with your insubordination, I wondered if there was something about you and bald men. But I don't think that's it; it's authority, which happens to coincide with baldness quite frequently. Although your help has been vital, I think that Walter didn't send you here to help. He sent you here for this. To have me break you, when he couldn't. When he gets you back you'll behave, although why you'll behave is still up to you. I'll tell him, either way. He needs to know.
Don't squirm, just let me touch you. Squirming doesn't help, and frankly, it looks a bit silly when you're so obviously aroused. That feels good, doesn't it? You probably don't even notice how you arch up against me every time I do something that feels good. Yes, go ahead, flatten yourself against the wood now. In thirty seconds you'll have forgotten your determination to behave according to propriety. In the mean time, let me get these jeans off you.
You want this. It is so obvious in everything you do, in your every movement, that I wonder how you have managed to hide it from yourself for so long. When did it start, Agent Mulder? When you were adolescent, more or less? That's when it usually starts. Boys are supposed to grow up, but their parents neglect to give them the stability, the strength, the substance to do it. So they move from one authority figure to the next, always looking for acknowledgement, for appreciation. And they get themselves into tremendous trouble because of it. Oh yes, and the really smart ones very, very often become psychologists, only to find out that they can't heal themselves.
Your ass is arguably the nicest one I've ever seen, Agent Mulder. And that's saying something. By all means squirm some more. You're shaking again. You're really having a very hard time, aren't you? You're much too strong-willed for your own good. Self-discipline only helps if you put it to good use; otherwise it's a destructive force. I'll go back a step or two, and just hold you again for a bit. Oh yes, that's also scarier because you're naked now. But the time is still not quite right for the next phase, Agent Mulder. I'll let you know when it is.
At least you've put your head down; heads are heavy. Why don't you close your eyes as well. Seeing me won't make a difference; if I decide to do something you don't like, being able to anticipate it won't do you any good. That's better. I'm going to kiss the back of your neck. No, don't look...
There you go again, rubbing your back against me. Of course you can move out of my way again, but why should you? I don't mind. I really don't. Don't be so hard on yourself.
You really like that, don't you? You're dripping, and I haven't even touched your cock yet. Yes, look away again, so you can pretend this is not happening. When I watch your back, I can see you fight yourself: it's as if half the muscles there do what they want to do, and the other half what you tell them to do. It's a fascinating spectacle, although it's like watching a gladiator fight in a Roman arena: one knows that there's a tragedy underlying the beauty.
I would have liked to do it the easy way, Agent Mulder. I'd have like to open you up by persuasion rather than by force; but I don't think it's possible. You're a very tough nut to crack. Tougher than I expected. I'll crack you anyway, but it will be harder on you. You can blame your character again. Strong, unrelenting, even if it kills you. If you'd ever let yourself get away with anything, you'd be out of the woods now.
As it is, I'm going to spank you.
Does that upset you? That doesn't surprise me. It will hurt, but the pain is not what frightens you, is it? You're afraid you'll lose control. And you will. My purpose is not to hurt you. It's to force you to give up control. I don't know how much it will take; but I can tell you I won't stop until you give in. It will probably take quite a bit to bring you to that point. It will take as much as you can bear, and then a little more.
I usually tell people how many they'll get. I won't tell you, because I don't want you to try to hold out until I'm done. It won't be over until you surrender, Agent Mulder. It will hurt a lot less when you stop resisting.
This paddle isn't very severe, but it will hurt, nonetheless. I'd advise you to keep still. If you move around, I can't do this accurately, and I may end up doing more damage than I want to. I could restrain you further, but I'd rather not, and I don't think I'll have to.
Now you do want to watch me? It won't make a difference when you see it coming, but I don't mind. Maybe it will help you not to jump when it starts. Hold on -
There, there. That wasn't as bad as you thought, was it? It will get a bit more difficult now.
You're being very good so far. I do think you could be a bit noisier, that seems to help against the pain. But if you won't, that's fine too. No, don't move - it won't help you. Keep still.
There, finally, you're making some noises. Feels better, doesn't it? You legs are trembling. I think it won't take much more.
There you go. Giving in makes it so much easier. The pain almost disappears, and you begin to feel - liberated. Yes. I think you've had enough now.
It always works, you know. You can tell yourself you'll hold out, but you won't. God, you look good now, soft, mellow, relaxed. I know you're crying, so don't turn your head away. Let me hold you again. There, good... I've heated up your ass quite a bit. Don't squirm. Let me kiss you again, and then we'll just stand here for a while, alright? I know you'll need some time to come back to earth. I'll be nice to you in the mean time.
Stand still, it's just some cooling gel, it will take away most of the burn. Feels good, huh? I'm sorry I had to do this to you, I know it's rough, but I don't think there was any other way. And I think it has made all the difference.
You're not turning your head away anymore. It's good to finally see your face. I think I'll kiss your mouth now. Is that nice? You look... almost happy. You're beautiful. I think you're feeling a lot better, the way you move with me, the way you fit in my arms... It's all so much easier like this. Take deep breaths, and don't think about anything. Let me kiss you again.
I want to have you on my side, Agent Mulder. I don't want to work against you. You're very strong, and it simply takes too much effort. I also don't want to see you get yourself killed or seriously damaged. I want you to believe that you don't need to jump through any hoops to get my attention. I'm here, I will listen, I'm interested. I'm willing to invest a lot of time in you. And yes, I can make you feel as good and as bad as I want to.
I'm glad your erection is back. Was that what I said, or what I did? No, never mind - you don't know that any more than I do. I can stroke you now without getting you all tight and flighty, that's good too. It's so much easier this way. I think I have you exactly where I want you now.
I really should massage your shoulders before we go on; I can *see* the knots in them. God, the way the muscles in your back flex when I touch them... it's so erotic that it's hard to believe you don't do it on purpose. Stop being embarrassed about it, please. Close your eyes again and try to stop second-guessing yourself. It feels good. It would feel good to anyone, and it feels better to you because of - well, just because of the way you're put together.
So much for - oh my God. You have erotic zones in the most surprising places. Can I try... oh *Christ*. It's almost... but there's still your neck, and it looks as if I've just squeezed the tension all the way up to concentrate here. It's amazing. And your jaw too - clenched so tightly you probably can't even talk anymore. Could you move it from left to right, just to - ouch. That was a nasty crack, but it does seem a bit better now. Pretty impressive muscles there too, and probably not because you've consciously worked on them. They're almost standard issue on your type of character.
All right, it's time to move on. I'm going to open you up a bit. I need to get some lube, so I have to let go of you for a moment, but I'll be back very soon.
This may be a bit chilly. Oh.... it's giving you gooseflesh. I'm sorry about that; it will warm up in a few seconds. Let me hold you in the mean time to warm you up a bit; you're shivering. Now I'm going to push inside you a little. Oh God, that little noise is... almost unbearable... Try not to bunch up your shoulders, that won't do any good; your sphincter really is no match for any kind of... determined effort, and it's much easier on you if you don't try to keep me out. There we go, nice and easy... That doesn't hurt, does it? Feels a little... intimate, perhaps... I'm going to turn my finger inside you, but I'll do it very slowly.
Are you alright? You sound like... like you're choking. You shouldn't try to hold back these sounds. If only because the effect is quite unnerving. I take it you've never had anal sex before? I think you're finding out what makes it worthwhile. I'll stroke you some more. It's this... right... oh God...
I'm in danger of losing my professional detachment here, Agent Mulder. That doesn't happen often. I think you can take two fingers without any problem, on your part at least... You're so smooth, so... resilient... Tell me if it gets too uncomfortable, although it seems you're doing very well.
I'd love to watch your face, and it would let me - Never mind, I didn't really expect you to agree to that. I won't have a problem anyway, just watching one shoulder blade would tell me all I need to know about your... situation. Yes, I know how good that feels. I'm glad you're letting yourself enjoy this, though you still seem rather tense. It won't hurt much, I promise.
I'll use a bit more lubricant, although you're already quite slippery. Now. I'll stretch out on top of you, because that's the best way to keep track of... I'm going to push in a little bit, maybe half an inch, and then wait until you relax. Please don't make any unexpected moves now, this is a little precarious... Oh my God, that sound again, I really can't...
You're clenching your fists, Agent Mulder. Don't do that.
Slowly now, very... very slowly... Don't tense up, I'll wait, I won't... I won't rush you... You're trembling again. Turn your head and look at me. Oh sweet Jesus... Oh... Damn, I'm sorry, that was my uncontrollable physiological response to seeing your face...
It's so good... I can feel you relaxing. You'll open up for me without any pressure, and I'll move inside... Further inside... Very slowly. Oh *Christ*, oh...
Oh Jesus...
God damn. You're not out to make it easy for me, are you? It's OK, it's going a lot more easily than I thought. We're almost past the hardest part. There's this little pulse on the side of your neck, I can see it... feel it... speed up... God! *Please* don't move now. Did I say I love your neck? If I were to redesign you, I think you'd come out pretty much the same. I'll push in a little more... Oh God, it's... I think I can go all the way... Don't tense up, it's alright, you're... Oh...
Oh Christ...
Does it hurt? It can't be that bad... I'll hold still a while to let you get used to the feeling. Are you OK? I'm sure you've still got your voice, it's just a little rusty. How does it feel? Come on, of course you know, just try to re-establish contact with your brain. No, I already promised I wouldn't hurt you. I know, it feels scary, doesn't it? But not completely bad, I think... Your ears were created in God's image too, I'm sure. In a little while I'll start envying you; but right now, it's all for my enjoyment. You know, when I suck here, I can feel the echo in your ass. It's so wonderful...
In a little bit, I want you to come in my arms on my command... And I want to hear that sound you made when I first caressed you.
Don't start squirming again now. This is the next barrier you're up against, and I don't think you'll want to give up now. It's supposed to be the good part, Agent Mulder. Just let me do the work, and don't resist. DON'T resist. All right, that's better. I could have known that this would be difficult for you; you don't really have much of a talent for trust.
No, we can't skip this part. It is probably the most important one for our agreement; and I won't let you set the terms. Not now, and not ever. I hope you'll take my word for that. Give it up, Agent Mulder.
Good... You are very beautiful, your arms, your back, your neck, your voice... Don't try to move away, just let me touch you. Good. There... God... I know you didn't make that sound out of happiness, but as you notice, it still does something for me. You feel very good too, you're so responsive to everything I do... Let yourself enjoy it. You're going to come, and you know it. You can struggle and make me drag you all the way, but it won't change the outcome.
That's better. Oh yes, that's much better. There's a little trickly of sweat running along your spine, can you feel that? Lovely, so lovely... You really can't help yourself, can you? Yes, that's the noise I wanted to hear. I think it means you're getting close. Turn your head a little more, I want to watch your face when you come. Don't hold back now, you're so aroused, it looks almost dangerous. Let yourself go now. Right now. Yes! God, it's like... like watching the heavens fall...
We'll be still for a bit, I'll give you some time to recover. You look so... defeated. I'm almost starting to feel sorry for you. It's not as if you're losing yourself, you know. You're only losing a small part - one that gets in your way, one that's a very real threat to you. Did you know there are tumors that stimulate the endorphin production, and drug the patient into a feeling of euphoria? Understandably, those patients are not happy when the tumor is surgically removed, even though they know that it will kill them if it isn't. That's a nice medical analogy to your situation, Agent Mulder. You have to have this part of you excised. It may be painful right now, but it may kill you otherwise.
I'll slowly start thrusting now. I'll be very careful, and anyway, it probably won't take long... By all means move against me if you want to. Oh God, I'd have you cloned and keep a copy if I could... And sell the rest for good money... You've even got the movement exactly right now. For a virgin you're definitely... definitely flexing all the right muscles... A natural...
Oh, OH!
Oh God...
That was... Well. That was quite good. Very good. I'm sure it was a lot better than you expected, as well.
Are you OK? Yeah, I'm sure you are a little sore now, but you will be fine tomorrow. As if nothing ever happened... That's the nature of things. I'd better get dressed, this is not the only thing I had to get done this afternoon. Though easily the most enjoyable. I will uncuff you in a minute, then I'll leave you alone. There's a shower behind that door, and you'll find some clothes in your size in the next room. You can take your time, you won't be disturbed; no-one would dare to step in here without being invited.
One more thing before I go, Agent Mulder. Your boss, AD Skinner, will receive a... well, a concise synopsis of this meeting. As he is not naïve, he will be able to guess what has transpired. You can return to me, but I suggest you consider the possibility of setting up a similar... arrangement with him. I would be very surprised if you wouldn't find him amenable to it.
I wish you the best of luck, Agent Mulder. If you ever find yourself in trouble or in need of company, of whatever kind, don't hesitate to come back to me.
Please send your comments to palinurus@squidge.org
Background by Kathie