Little What?
By Patt
I walked into the first floor restroom at the station because I knew I would never make it to bullpen in Major Crimes. What had possessed me to drink all of that sweetened tea from ‘Chick Filet’? First of all, it’s full of sugar. If Jim would have been drinking that, I would have been harping on him. I unzipped my bad boy and unleashed him to get rid of the tea. Once I was done, I zipped up and walked over to wash my hands. At that moment, I was graced with the presence of Walker, Miller, Smith and Cummings from Traffic. They had been gunning for me for ages, but I managed to stay out of their path until today. Oh goody.
Walker smiled an evil smile and said, “Well, look who’s here. If it isn’t the little squirt and for a change, he’s without the big one.”
All of the men started to laugh and I knew I was going to have to take care of this punk and right then would be as good a time as any.
“Boy oh boy, it takes so little to make you men laugh these days,” I said wearing an evil grin, myself.
“Oh no, Sandburg, you are always good for a laugh. Believe me, this is just one of the many times we’ve teased you,” Walker said.
“Well, I think that it’s time that I give you all a lesson in life. You might want to rephrase your words from here on in. Now who would like me to start before I go and file my report for sexual misconduct?” I asked puffing my chest out just a little bit for show. I think it was really working, they looked intimidated.
Miller stopped smiling and said, “What are you talking about, Sandburg? We didn’t touch you.”
“Oh it isn’t that you did anything to me, you said it. And I’m going to report it. I think you guys will be just as embarrassed as I am when I explain it all to you,” I continued wickedly.
“I’ve been here the entire time and I didn’t hear anything said that could be sexual misconduct,” Smith said.
“Yeah, I agree with all of them. You’re nuts and it’s four against one. So there,” Cummings said.
“Then you won’t mind if I record what is said,” I said quickly, pulling out a recorder that I happened to have in my pocket.
“Why do you have a recorder in your pocket?” Walker wondered aloud.
“We used it in our last case. I was taking it back to Captain Banks. But this time, I’m going to have something on it that he’ll be most interested in,” I said casually.
“He’s full of shit,” Walker said as he washed his hands.
“Then you don’t mind me recording this conversation, am I right?” I asked.
“I don’t care about anything you do,” Walker answered with a growl.
This growl reminded me of working with Jim. How many times had he growled at me and still lost the fight that we were having? Don’t these big guys realize that us little guys know how to fight with our brain?
“Do the rest of you agree to be recorded?” I asked.
All three of them said one at a time that they agreed. Smith laughed as he said it, which made me very angry. They thought they were dealing with a food.
“Okay, I have numerous complaints about what was said today. We’ll cover the first one, first and then move on to the next one. You walked in the door, saw me standing here and called me a name. Do you remember what you called me?” I asked trying not to laugh.
Walker said, “I called you a little squirt.”
“Why yes, that was it. We’re in the restroom and you called me a little squirt. That takes on all sorts of new meanings while in here. First of all, you must have been watching me if you think I’m little and evidentially you think that I squirt, when I piss. I take offense to both of these words. Little and squirt. You offended me and my body parts. And don’t even try and take it back now.”
“Sandburg, you know I was talking about you, not your dick,” Walker shouted.
“No, I didn’t know what you were talking about. I didn’t even say anything about my dick, you did. I was doing nothing to you, you walked into the restroom and said, ‘well if it isn’t the little squirt’, I find this hard to believe you don’t remember saying it, when it was only ten minutes ago,” I said with a smile that they all understood to be wicked.
Smith glared at me and said, “What do you think you can do about it, Sandburg?”
“First of all, I’m going to report you for watching me and knowing the size of my so called dick. Then you will have to explain why you said I squirt,” I added just to make them crazy.
“Wait a minute, wait just a god-damn minute,” Cummings said.
Walker shoved me back against the wall and said, “Shut your mouth, right now.”
“Or what?” I asked, sounding much braver then I felt.
“I’ll show you little squirt,” Walker said growling as he went toward me. Thankfully, Miller stopped him and said, “You’re just making it worse, Walker. He’s got this on tape.”
“Why are you so fascinated with how I look, peeing or not? I’ve never wondered about any of you, I just don’t get it,” I explained once again.
“Sandburg, surely you’re kidding, right?” Miller asked.
“No, I’m not kidding. You are all talking about a body part of mine and what I do with it. I’m taking offense to that.”
“Of for fucks sake, Sandburg, we weren’t talking about your dick, we were talking about you. You’re a little squirt,” Walker shouted.
“You’re still talking about the squirting. I don’t like where this is heading. I want an apology from all four of you by 2:00 today, or I’ll file that report I talked about,” I said coldly, standing my ground.
Walker and Miller looked like they wanted to kill me right then and there, but Smith and Cummings kept them from doing it. Thank goodness, because I really wanted to get upstairs and tell Jim what had happened in traffic.
Walker finally walked to the door and said, “If it wasn’t for Ellison, you wouldn’t still be around.”
“What do you mean by that, Walker,” I asked.
“We all know why he keeps you around, Sandburg, so don’t try and look all innocent,” Miller said.
“Wow, you guys have moved this in a totally different direction. Now you’re talking about me and Jim Ellison being sexual partners? Is that what you’re saying?” I asked, totally shocked. (Okay, I just looked shocked.)
Smith said, “Well, everyone already knows, Sandburg, that’s not a news flash to anyone.”
“I’ll have you know that Jim Ellison would be shocked. I’m going to have to tell him this was said about him and I’m sure he’s going to be as disappointed in you as I am when he hears about it. We thought people were past that crap. And speaking of Jim, why did you call him the big one? Oh my god, you’ve been watching Jim Ellison? I can’t believe this. Is there something you four want to get off your chest?” I asked, almost grinning, but didn’t, thankfully.
“Now you’ve done it. Ellison is going to be after us now,” Cummings said.
“To do what? We didn’t do anything, this little shit is obnoxious, but not dangerous,” Walker said.
“Oh… My… God… Little shit? You will stop at nothing. I’ve got to go. As I said before, you have until 2:00 to write up apologies or you will be reported,” I said as I pushed my way out of the restroom and rushed for the elevator. I wanted to get on it before they kicked the shit out of me and took away the recording.
I pushed our floor and sighed with relief. I could hardly wait until I got upstairs to tell Jim. He might or might not like it as much as I did. Jim was terribly over protective, I guess that’s all part of being a Sentinel. I was still in shock that they didn’t take the recording away.
I got off the elevator and told Jim to follow me. He followed me into interrogation room 2 and I played the recording for him. I was totally wrong about Jim. He laughed his ass off and told me I did a good job handling the idiots.
Jim then proceeded to take the recording into the bullpen and played it for everyone there. They were all laughing their asses off, including Simon.
“So, Sandburg, you think you’re going to get any apologies?” Rafe asked.
“No, but it was worth all of the work. I had a blast,” I said laughing along with the rest of them.
~~~~~
At 2:00, four patrolmen got off of the elevator and each dropped a sheet of paper onto my desk. I just looked up shocked.
Walker said, “There is an apology to Ellison, too.”
“Why thank you for stopping by and not making this harder then it had to have been,” I said graciously, waiting to laugh until they were going down in the elevator.
As soon as the elevator doors shut, everyone in the bullpen started to laugh and clapped me on the back. I swear, I’m going to have bruises tomorrow.
~~~~~
On the drive home, Jim said, “You were so convincing on that tape that I almost forgot we were lovers. I’m not sure I like that or not.”
I smiled evilly and said, “Tough.”
“I’ll show you tough, little squirt,” Jim said as he pulled over to the side of the road and kissed me. He gets to call me little squirt any time he wants.
The end
