Title: Deep Fear
Author: Patt
Beta: Kerensa and Bluewolf
Summary: Why does Jim seem to be unusually nervous about something?
Warnings: None.
Prompt: Why is Jim afraid of deep water?
Word count: 2,667
Email: PattRose1@aol.com
Notes: Thank you to Bluewolf for the prompt and finally thank you to Jen for doing this again this year. A huge hug for my beta’s, (Kelly and Bluewolf) who help me out more than they will ever know. Then again, they already do know. LOL
Deep Fear
By Patt
When Jim moaned in his sleep, it woke Blair up immediately. Jim was having nightmares almost every night and Blair couldn’t figure it out. Jim kept telling him that he couldn’t remember what he dreamed about, but Blair knew he did.
They were supposed to be happy right now – they were going on a cruise in two weeks and Blair was super excited. He thought Jim was too, but maybe he was mistaken.
He nudged Jim softly and said, “Jim, wake up.”
Jim blinked his eyes open and said, “What?”
“You were having another nightmare,” Blair responded.
“About what?” Jim asked.
“I have no idea, Jim. You’re the one having the nightmare, not me.”
“Sorry I woke you up, Blair.”
“Jim, I think we should talk about things and see if we can figure out why you’re having nightmares.”
“At three o’clock in the morning? I don’t think so. We have to be at the station at 7:00. I would like to get some sleep between now and then,” Jim grumbled.
“Jim do you not want to go on the cruise in two weeks?”
“What? What the hell does that have to do with a nightmare? I’m looking forward to the time off with you. Stop worrying. Go back to sleep,” Jim ordered.
Blair went back into Jim’s arms and fell back to sleep. Too bad Jim wasn’t doing the same thing. He was wide awake and found himself feeling something he didn’t usually feel and that was fear. He had to toughen up or he would give himself away to Blair. Blair already knew too much about him. There had to be some things Jim held inside. Jim was still afraid of deep water and just hoped that Blair had assumed he was over it. Jim lay wide awake next to Blair until the alarm went off at 6:00.
~~~~~
Conner stood before Jim’s desk and asked, “So are you looking forward to the cruise, Jimbo?”
“Of course I am. What do you think?” Jim answered.
“You seem a little uptight about it. Are you not comfortable with cruise liners?” Conner asked.
“I don’t know, Conner, I’ve never been on one before. This will be a first,” Jim replied.
“That’s half the problem right there. The unknown always bothers you. Just relax and know it’s going to be fun,” Conner said.
“It’s not bothering me, Conner. You’re the one it’s bothering,” Jim said as he got up from his desk to go get some more coffee.
Blair watched and listened to the entire conversation and realized that Conner might be right. Jim might be bothered by the unknown. Maybe that’s what the nightmares were about.
Jim came back and sat down and Blair said, “Thanks for the cup of coffee, Jim.”
“Oh, sorry, Chief. I’ll get you one now,” Jim grabbed Blair’s cup and walked back into the break room.
Conner walked over to Blair and said, “If I didn’t know better, I would say he’s nervous about the cruise.”
“No, he’s just having an off day,” Blair replied, not wanting them to discuss Jim with Jim so close by.
Jim gave Blair his coffee when he got back to his desk and said to Conner, “Don’t you have anything better to do?”
“Yes, sir,” she replied and went to her own desk and sat down. She was giving Blair the evil eye and Blair knew she might be right, but it wasn’t the time or place to bring it up. Hell, he wasn’t sure anytime was the time to bring it up.
~~~~~
That night, after dinner, Blair was looking over some of the excursions for the cruise and decided he would talk some of them over with Jim.
“Jim, I’m paying for some of the excursions ahead of time, do you want to help me choose some?” Blair asked.
“What do you have in mind?” Jim asked.
“Well, the first one is to swim with the dolphins, doesn’t that sound fantastic?” Blair asked energetically.
“Out in the ocean?” Jim asked trying not to look alarmed but failed.
“No, it’s off shore, in a little bay. We get to swim with them for 50 minutes. It’s something I’ve dreamed about my whole life. Don’t you want to do it?” Blair asked.
“Sure, Chief, we’ll do it. It’ll be fun.”
“The next thing is for snorkeling. The boat takes you out for about 45 minutes and they know the best places for snorkeling. It’s for four hours. Doesn’t that sound fun?” Blair inquired.
“Not really, I think the dolphin thing sounds like much more fun.”
“Really? You don’t want to snorkel?” Blair asked hopefully.
“You can, while I just lie on the beach and soak up some rays, how does that sound?” Jim suggested.
Blair looked at Jim and realized he didn’t want to go into the water. “Jim, are you still afraid of deep water?”
“I’m not afraid of anything, I just don’t want to snorkel.”
“Come here, Jim. Sit down by me. I want to have a talk,” Blair said as he patted the couch cushion beside him.
Jim sat down even though he knew Blair was going to delve into his ‘fears’.
“Jim, I was worried that you didn’t want to go on the cruise, but I see now that it’s the water thing. I thought maybe you had overcome it when you had to go into the ocean in the wet suit when we were on that rig. But evidentially you’re still not over it.”
“Just because I want to soak up rays on the beach doesn’t mean I’m afraid of anything,” Jim growled.
“Jim, the first thing you have to do is admit that you’re afraid. It’s easier to overcome fears if you admit it to yourself. Are you or are you not afraid of deep water?”
Jim got off the couch and started towards the balcony doors.
“Jim, many people experience this same fear, you’re not alone, but they overcome it with therapy and talking about it. It’s important to figure out why you might be afraid of deep water. I mean did something happen to you while you were young that might have brought this on?”
“Stop saying I’m afraid. I’m not a coward,” Jim snapped.
“Jim, people who have fears, are never cowards. They have reasons they have fears, we just need to find yours. I need you to sit down and tell me what you are experiencing when you think about going snorkeling.”
Jim sat back down and said, “I can’t breathe right. It’s like I don’t have enough breath to even swim. I start sweating as soon as I think about it and then the breathlessness starts. Right now, my mouth is dry and my heart is pounding like a bass drum. On the rig that time, I had a full blown anxiety attack. I was able to do what I had to do, but I never wanted to go in the water again.”
“So you admit that you do have a fear of deep water?” Blair asked.
“I guess I do.”
“That’s the first step, man. Admitting it is the hardest part. You’ve just conquered the hardest part of the fear. Now, it’s good to try and figure out what caused this fear. Do you have any ideas?”
“This is just a guess, but my cousins took me out into the middle of the lake one time and told me they were seeing how long I could tread water. They told me to stay there and tread and they would see how I did. They left me in the middle of a lake towards evening time. I just stayed there and treaded water like they told me to and then it got dark. It’s very scary in the dark. I didn’t know where the shore was. I didn’t know where I should swim to. I was stuck in the middle of the lake and had no where to swim. I was so tired from treading water and I kept feeling fish brush up against me. It was unnerving. Two hours later, my dad and my uncle found me in the spot where they had told me to stay. When my dad pulled me out I thought he would hug me and tell me everything would be all right, but instead he said, ‘Next time swim to shore, Jimmy’. That was it. I was afraid of deep water from then on. I had trouble in the service and I had trouble in my normal everyday life. Do you know how many times Carolyn asked me to go to the lake? She got tired of asking and just started doing things on her own. I didn’t want her to see my weakness, do you understand?”
“I totally understand and I’m so happy that you’re able to talk to me about it. One of the hardest things is admitting it to someone. We can overcome this, Jim. I swear. I’m not happy with your dad’s treatment of you or your cousins and uncle, but I’m glad that we know where it started and we can go from there. Imagine a life without that fear and being able to get into the water without any anxiety. It’s going to be wonderful. I swear to you.”
“I know it sounds odd, but I do feel better. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I mean, it’s not like I could go and jump into deep water yet, but I admitted it and I’m still here. I was afraid to even say it.” Jim pulled Blair into his arms and just held him close.
“We’re going to start working on this right away, Jim. Not tonight, because I think we took a giant step tonight in admitting fear at all. Tomorrow night we’ll start doing some visualization. Before long, you’ll be able to visualize yourself in deep water, followed by actually getting into deep water, I promise.”
“I trust you, Chief, more than anyone in the world. So I will do whatever it takes to be by your side in the ocean.”
“I know you will. We’ll start tomorrow. Don’t have bad dreams about it but if you do, please wake me up and we’ll talk about them. It helps to talk about things that scare you.”
“Thanks, Chief. I will talk to you in the middle of the night if I have a bad dream. Now I think it would be nice if we made love. No talking, no worrying, no being afraid. Just loving each other. What do you think?”
“I think that sounds terrific, Jim. Follow me,” Blair said as he pulled Jim behind him.
“I’d follow you anywhere,” Jim said truthfully and Blair turned and gave him a very sensual kiss.
Their lovemaking was full of energy but as Jim hoped, without any talking at all. Blair let Jim be totally in charge and Jim had a very fine time driving.
Afterwards, they were both cleaned up and lay in each other’s arms and Jim said, “Could we start on some of the therapy now?”
“Okay, I want you to close your eyes and visualize a worst-case scenario in deep water. Tell me what’s happening as you visualize it.”
“I know already what my deepest fear is. I think that I won’t be able to tread long enough and I’ll sink to the bottom of the ocean and I’ll be fish food,” Jim said very seriously.
Blair almost smiled, but didn’t. “Now keep your eyes closed. I’m next to you and we’re both treading water. I start to get tired and I tell you I can’t go on any longer, what do you do?”
“I would grab you and try to swim somewhere, anywhere,” Jim answered.
“That’s a nice thought, but we’re in the middle of the ocean, so you know what we both need to do?”
Jim opened his eyes and said, “No.”
“Close your eyes again Jim. We’re both side by side, getting really tired of treading water, and I say ‘Let’s hold hands so we won’t drift away from each other and float on our backs. That way we won’t be so exhausted and we’ll be able to tread more later.’ How do you feel about that, Jim?”
Jim opened his eyes and said, “I never thought of that. I know how to float, why didn’t I ever think of that?”
“Because you had learned to fear the water and didn’t know that you could handle it. Now, picture us floating, still holding hands. How do you feel about the deep water?”
“I feel much better. It’s not hard to breathe right now. I’m thinking I can do this as long as you’re with me.”
“What if I wasn’t with you, Jim? What would you do then?” Blair asked.
“I would think about you lying beside me and I would begin to float on the surface and then I would tread for a while and go back to floating again. I would continue to picture you beside me because you give me strength.”
“Jim, you say the greatest things to me. I’m glad I’m helping you. How do you feel about us snorkeling now?” Blair inquired.
“My heart isn’t pounding like it was downstairs, so I must feel better about it. Could it be this simple?” Jim wondered.
“You just needed to focus on what could happen, what will happen and it makes things much easier. We’re not going to be out in the middle of the ocean without a boat. So we have to remember that. We’re going to be with other people, so we won’t be alone. Now, picture yourself, going under the water to see the beautiful fish and coral reefs. Tell me how that makes you feel,” Blair said.
“Okay, my heart is starting to pound a little bit. Why?”
“Jim, you like to be in control. You won’t be in control when we go under the water. The ocean is in control, the waves are in control and the sea life is in control. But you have to let loose of your control. Do you think you can do that? Close your eyes again and picture you and me diving below the surface to see the coral reefs. Tell me how you feel.”
Jim was quiet for a moment and said, “I’m back to normal again. My heart stopped pounding and I like the idea of holding your hand under water. I think I might be able to do this. Do you think that we’ll be able to talk about this every night until the cruise? This might just work.”
“Yes, we’ll do it every night until we leave. You’re going to be so ready for this cruise it will seem like you never had a fear at all. I knew you could do this, Jim. I’m really proud of you.”
Jim pulled Blair closer to him and kissed his cheek. “God, I love you so much. It’s hard to believe that we weren’t always together.”
“Have I mentioned lately how crazy I am about you?” Blair asked.
“Thank you for helping me get through this. It’s not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.”
“You are most welcome, Jim. We’re going to be all set when the time comes for the cruise. Now, what are you going to dream about tonight?”
“Hopefully, us holding hands somewhere. I like holding your hand. It gives me strength. I think I’ll be all right in the nightmare department. Thanks again, Chief.”
“Goodnight, Jim. Sleep well and wake me if anything happens.”
They both snuggled closer to each other and before long they were sound asleep.
Blair woke up at 3:00 and looked over at Jim in the moonlight, and saw a very peaceful look on his face. He knew things were going to be all right and went back to sleep.
The end
