This story is SLASH.  Do not read if you are offended by homoerotic content.

Because You Loved Me…

By Rae C.

Jack O'Neill stumbled into his apartment, weariness settling into his bones as soon as the door was opened. The intense emotional winds buffeted his overtaxed mind. Empty…so very empty…filled with years worth of material possessions and yet, the first thought upon entering was…the place felt sterile, empty. Go away, no one home.

Dust motes, flying haphazardly in the sun's last rays, settled lazily on the furniture and the floor. Jack leaned against the door-frame watching the little world displayed through the light peaking through the drapes. It was infinitely more fascinating than trying to live himself.

His pack dropped listlessly from his hand, quickly followed by a trail of clothing as Jack propelled himself from the door to the bed that beckoned in the back. The large king size bed, with room for two. He should have gotten rid of the thing when he first moved; yet because of the musk that still lingered, Jack couldn't part with it. One of only two things he kept when he moved.

He glared at the offending piece of furniture, willing it shrink in size. Today, today he couldn't deal with it. Hopelessness wafted around him, tempting him with visions of what had once been. A vision from the past of crumpled covers, sleepy pale blue eyes struggling to open as he came in the room. A soft mumble as the covers were pulled back for him, welcoming him home.

It was into this vision that Jack slipped. No longer able to remember where he was, or in what time, the temptation of dream was too great. He fell headlong into its gentle embrace, the need long denied, and its call too strong.

~~~

Dawn broke, its bright light stabbing, blinding the traumatized orbs. Head pounding with the tempo of hail on a tin roof, Jack struggled to the bath in search of relief. Red rimmed and underlined black-blue half rings greeted him, indicating how little sleep he was getting during the nights. Tossing and turning was nothing more than simple reality. It had been, what, six months since he had a good night's sleep?

Nothing, nothing was the same. Not him, not Daniel, not his job. God, Daniel. Stifling back a half sob, half bark, Jack went about his morning routine. Scrubbing his face, lathering, shaving, and then showering, all on autopilot. Leaving the bathroom, he dressed quickly in jeans and warm sweater, heading off to the kitchen only to stop in the hallway sighing.

Stooping, Jack gathered his belongings from the night before. The pack he left by the door, knowing he would need it soon anyway. The clothes he tossed in the hamper in his room, avoiding looking at the rumpled bed as he straightened it up.

The apartment put back to rights, Jack headed back toward the kitchen in search of a simple breakfast. Grabbing some grain fruit-filled bar and a glass of orange juice, he leaned against the counter as he ate. Not much of a breakfast, but it was all he could afford to eat until later. Anything more and Jack would end up losing whatever sustenance he'd gained.

A quick wipe of his hands to brush the crumbs off, and Jack was heading out the door, pack firmly in place. The short walk from his apartment to the bus shook loose the rest of the cobwebs in his head. The air was chilly, but not overly so. He stood with the other passengers, waiting for the vehicle to arrive. Some chatted quietly among themselves. It was a familiarity developed over time, something that happened when you ran into the same people every day.

Jack had yet to speak to any of them, only barely nodding when they looked in his direction. His stance screamed 'back off'. The stony visage did nothing to engender him to his fellow passengers either. He left them alone, and they thankfully left him alone.

The bus arrived and Jack headed toward the back, parking himself in the farthest corner. It was as far away from humanity as he could get. The bus itself was a necessary evil. One he hated, but it got him where he needed to go, the park.

In little over an hour, the conveyance finally pulled up to the lush vegetative habitat. Heat, humidity, and the smell of thousands of different blossoms assaulted his senses. The sweater became unbearable after merely two seconds in the hot environment, but Jack paid little attention. His focus was on the shattered mirror sending light refracting in every direction across the room. It was a rainbow of color that would please any person living or dead. The brightest of purples, greens, blues, reds, oranges, and yellows paraded across every plant and window. And beneath its gentle shadow stood the guardian.

It was the guardian to which Jack came to every day. Barely a foot in height, detail emblazoned its tiny face and personality seeping from every pore of the bronzed figurine, gave the illusion of peace to a starving man.

"Today?" he whispered half mournfully, half excitedly. It would never do to offend the man, for everything rested on the figurine's ability to turn the light of the mirror on him. If Jack proved his need, the rainbow would strike, giving him his own version of a pot of gold.

It was a double-edged sword. The mirror both fed the spirit and broke it in increments. A symbiotic relationship that left the user feeling drained of energy, of life, at the end of the day. What would possess any person to fall victim to this hapless trap? Who knows? One is drawn to the bronze figure by need and the mirror provides. Not a simple dream, but a fantasy brought to life. In bright, living color, with all the sights, smells, and taste of the living, rather than a dream world.

It was here where Jack traveled. Everyday, for the past six months. He sold his house, no longer a home. Sold most of the possessions that wouldn't fit into the new apartment. Paid for the apartment lease for the next year, and then moved in. He only kept two things of any importance, the rest just dressing for the outside world should anyone chose to come calling. Not that they did. He didn't have any friends left. Not here. They'd given up on him long ago.

So Jack came here, to the mirror, to try and at least live a dream. He sat carefully in front of the statue, running his thumbs along the cold cheekbones, feeling it warm beneath his touch. Tremors ran down his arms as the figurine began to wake, blue orbs locking onto his soul, pulling the secrets from deep within.

"Yes, today." The husky murmur replied. "Today, we shall go together."

Light coalesced over them, spiraling in ever-tighter rings drawing, pulling, and tugging the man and statue into the realm of living dreams. Jack tenderly held the warm statue in his hand, the other constantly moving over the fine bronzed skin.

"You've stood too long in the sun." Jack commented.

"And you've taken too long to come. I've been calling for years."

"Yeah well, sorry. Wait a minute, years? I'd only arrived six months ago. "

"Did you not hear the call in the other places where you traveled?"

"Lust, you mean? Sure. Who wouldn't."

"But?"

"I wanted more."

"So you came here."

"Yes. Time to go home, don't you think?"

"Where's home?"

Jack shrugged at the tiny ghost that he now held in his palm, slowing sinking into his body, where it belonged in the first place.

"Where you are."

"Then by all means, lets go find *me*. " Those were the last words spoken by the shimmering figure before being fully absorbed into Jack.

"What!" He spoke to his hand. "How?"

'Simple.' Came the voice in his head. 'Follow your heart.'

'And if today….' Jack cleared his throat. 'If I find you today, what happens?'

'Then you will never leave here again. Out there, you will die. But in here, you will live forever. It's your choice.'

"I'll take a chance on forever, because out there, there is no hope. It's already gone."

'Well, get going!'

'Hang on a sec, I'm thinking.'

'Don't think too hard, Jack. You'll only get yourself into trouble.'

'Did you or did you not say, follow my heart?'

'Yes, and?'

'Then shut up and let me listen to it.' Jack pulled the pack from his shoulders. Amazing what could and couldn't be brought with one a vision quest. Tucked inside were the necessities of life; water, food, change of clothes, and a letter from Daniel. The last one he had ever sent Jack, just before everything fell apart.

'So, what are you looking for already?'

'The letter.' Jack reverently opened the plastic sealed package and pulled the tattered paper from inside.

Hope things are going well out there in Area 52. Could use you back at the office here soon. SG-1 just isn't the same without you around. Sam's doing well in your absence but even she misses your constant bickering. (I don't bicker, Danny boy.) I can almost hear your voice talking back to me, so all I'm going to say is this: Yes you do.

Jack always smiled when he read that part. Daniel knew him way too well. But that swung both ways. Daniel could be a real pain in the ass as well. It's one of the things he missed about him the most, the debates they had over almost every little thing.

Jack had read the letter so many times he knew it by heart. But it still didn't make any sense. And it didn't give him any clue on where to start his hunt.

'Doesn't it?'

'What now?'

'Did you even understand one word in that letter? What are you here for, if not to follow that thread?'

'I just want to go home.'

'Then go, for Christ's sake. Don't you know the way?'

Jack listened to the voice inside his head. It *did* sound an awful lot like Daniel, but that would mean Jack would have to trust. And trust was not his strong point, on a personal basis. But the need to trust, wanting so much to try. He fell to his knees, knowing he was going to fail again.

A bittersweet shriek raged in his soul, the howl of an eagle searching for its missing mate. And Jack listened to the cry. Following aimlessly, he heeded the call of instinct, never watching where his feet landed, only paying attention to the call of the bird. It guided him through lush forest, and barren wasteland, never faltering in its flight. Several times it swooped near to brush a wing across some portion of Jack's body. His hair, shoulders, and hand being favorites places of encouragement. Then the desert gave way to a glittering edifice, its obsidian surface darkly splayed against white light of the desert sun.

The smell of death reeked strongly, and Jack looked upward toward his guiding friend.

"I'm not so sure about this place." He called to the oblivious bird, which once more caressed his cheek, and mournfully cawed as it flew straight toward the black building. Diving, the bird entered the mountain with the single-mindedness of one who knows exactly what he wants and this was how to get it.

'Okay, I can do this.' Jack's hands trembled. Last chance to turn around and run. Last chance to say that no, even the half-life he had was better than death.

'Is it?'

'no.' It was a small, bitter truth. He was already dead, just wouldn't admit it, until now.

'Then why are you fighting so hard?'

The building began to shimmer.

'You don't have much time, Jack. Make your choice. You won't get another chance for twenty years.'

'I'm going, I'm going. Lay off already.'

"Be sure, Jack. Be very sure. You can be turned away as easily as you can be accepted." The figurine had pulled itself out of Jack and stood as tall as him. The statue was no longer a figurine, but a man. A tall, blond, blue-eyed man marked with the scars of many missions, a warrior. One of the heart and one of the mind.

"I know what I want." The sad brown eyes glanced back once to the man staying behind on the hill. "I can't live like this anymore. It hurts too much."

"I know, Jack. I forgive you." Nodding his head, Jack descended to the plain, determination in every step to reach the confines of the shifting stone. He hesitated as he stood before the doorway. One last thing to say. One last thing to do, so that there would never be any regrets. Jack turned around.

"I love you, Daniel."

The softly uttered words drifted back to Daniel standing on the dune watching as Jack, the Jack not of his world, but oh so achingly similar walked out of his life. It had been his own want which called forth a Jack from another reality. And it was that want that doomed him to be nothing more than a statue outside of this magical realm. His dreams in the wonderland came to life, but in the most horrendous way.

'How did that saying go? When you love something, you set it free. You are *free*, Jack. Go home to *your* Daniel. '

Daniel watched as Jack entered the obsidian doorway, going to the exact spot in the broken quantum mirror that he needed to, to reach his own universe. He looked back yet again, sadness in every pore, not understanding that he really was going home, only knowing that he *needed* to go.

"I know, Jack. And I've loved you. Most of all because you loved me. Even after you figured out who I was, and what I'd done. And what was your answer?" Daniel bitterly laughed. "To stay with me, because you loved me. Didn't matter which world. And you wouldn't leave until I forgave you for wanting to go back home." Daniel whispered, but the words were lost in the breeze just starting to flow in the lands of the in-between. Only the ghosts could walk here and not be hurt, and wait.

And in this reality, Daniel waited, locked in the land of the lost, because his Jack had died before they'd ever had a chance to kiss.

Regret, it makes demons of us all.

~~~

The End