This story is SLASH.  Do not read if you are offended by homoerotic content.

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Simple Need

Chapter One: When Dreams Are Not Enough

Daniel

by Rae C.

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The light fades, a brilliant lightening strike that flash-pans and becomes a blackened patch upon the ground.  One single life, in the grand scheme of things; a split second of pure white glowing, then exploding into dust.   It's an end to a chapter of your life and you are that much darker for it, having known and lost. A bitter pill taken with alcohol to drown out the singed edges from living too close. Sharing their breath, discovering their unique musky scent, delving into the tangy ambrosia of hidden crevices... their mark burned into your skin never fading with the passage of years.

There are those to whom you are close, who you call friend. And there are those whom you would be lovers. Then there are those who you have already loved, and many others yet waiting in the wings. All of them vying for your attention, waiting for their chance to live in your light, content to live in the shadowed fringe of your heart. You share what you can with each, beckoning the inferno closer, knowing the flames will scar as you share yourself with too many.  And not enough of who you truly are to any one single person.

And then there is the One.

One person for whom you would give all, the one who *owns* you, body and soul. And they did nothing but smile, pat you on the back, or something else similarly inconsequential. It was one recognizing one, aching to become one half of a whole. To live in their essence, not merely be ornamentation, but to be a part of how they define themselves. 

Yet…it can never be.

Too many mistakes, too many missed chances.  Stretched too far, too thin, given over to guilt for responsibilities gathered at the beginning.  A pledge spoken to save face for her, in the tribe, in the community.  A love given half hearted.   Then you found a part of yourself, and you held back, afraid.  Now, it's too late, for shame has found refuge in your heart.  Too late, too late, too late.

~~~

I see him there as I lie on the ground saying goodbye to the last of my regrets. It is to him that I reach rather than her, and still I can see the beginning of the end. He has finally pulled too far away for me to reach.

Why? Why now when this chapter of my life has finally reached an end? I wanted black and white, yet all I can see is gray. I reach out, touching my fingers to her still lips and breathe the words....'I loved you too.'

It's not enough, but it will have to do. Goodbyes have never been my thing. And yet with those four simple words, I have said goodbye to both of them. One my wife, and the other....the lover I wanted but never had. I can at least close this chapter of my life. The severing of limbs can wait.

It was perfect. A perfect moment to make all those little innocent connections. Closing one past to gain a future, only I realized that future could never be. Great, just great. I can pant, want, basically throw myself at the man and it wouldn't make a difference. It would all be passed off as some lame attempt to connect to life after my *loss*.

A string of pearls held together with spit and a prayer. Ha! One string, held taut, made of tiny bits of sand and saliva rolled endlessly over a tongue. Amazing, that such beauty could come from something that is merely irritation. Why can't I be the pearl here, just once?

He walked away, leaving me alone. His heart closing with each step. I could see the light fading as he turned away. What did I have left? Nothing really.

Goodbye. Gods, I hated that word.

I picked myself up off the ground and left the tent behind. The SGC waited for me beyond the silver blue walls of the open Stargate. Where I would go from there, I didn't know.

His heart was closed, yet I still sought to be close to him. Gruff, ready always to play, but the walls were too high and the way through them bound heavily in grief, pain, and too many years of living at the edge. A warrior awaiting his shield, so that his walls could come down.  He only allowed me so close, always putting space between us, an invisible line he dared not to cross. 

I played with fire every day, standing this close. Warm heat swirled around me, wrapping me in a blissful cocoon of contentment. I could live like this for years on end, if only I knew that I had anything to hold onto, a smile, a word of praise. It wouldn't take much...some small token of recognition that he accepted me. My needs have lessened over the years.

And yet, I've lost too much to stay.

Illusion never changed into something real. How apropos. A dream then, one that would never be.

How do I walk way from this? How can I shut the door and banish the need? It would be easier to ask my heart to stop beating.

I laughed. It's hopeless. There's no room left at the inn.

I wanted to let go of the tight leash in which my emotions are contained. But right here, right now, in this space and time, watching him watch me, I *know* I can't.

"Jack?"

Those dark orbs swirled with emotions I couldn't name as he waited for me to continue. It's almost as if he knows what was coming next....

"I'm leaving."

I was right. He shut down, the world cut off from him. I had expected it, yet it still hurt.

"What? You need a couple of weeks off? Take em, Daniel."

"No, Jack. I'm leaving the SGC. I can't stay here anymore. I just....."

I couldn't say it. But I had to. I have to close this part of my life as well.

Taking a deep breath, I just spit it out.

"I just wanted to say goodbye."

There, it was out. I look right at him waiting for something, some sign, a token that he needed me.

"Look, Daniel. Why don't you take a few weeks off? Think about it."

"I have, Jack. There's nothing left for me here."

"But what about the kid?"

"You'll find him, Jack. You know as much as I do."

"But, Sha're..."

"Sha're is dead."  I cut him off.  I didn't want to hear the rest.   He flinched at my harsh words, but I couldn't help hurtling them out there. He didn't say anything after that.

"Goodbye, Jack." And with my heart breaking, I left his office.

Right now I wanted so much for Sha're to be alive. To see her there, or at least to have that hope. With her alive I could live with the guilt of loving someone else. I could hide behind the curtain of displaced need. With her alive, at least I had the hope of Jack someday loving me back. But that's all gone now....like everything else.

Yes, Sha're was dead and I would miss her.  I would miss her smile, her laugh, and the gentle manner in which she invaded my life.  Her capture by the Gou'ald was the reason I had joined the SGC in first place.  But Jack had been the reason I had stayed. 

I took one last look at the mountain before me and said my last 'Goodbye'.

~~~

Sometimes the soul can need so much that it becomes lost, drown beneath layers and layers of things taken away.  The mind builds and builds and builds, frantically trying to protect a fragile being that lies bleeding upon the hearth. You need to be touched, to know you are alive. You need that time to submerge yourself in another being, to give, to receive, to *feel*.

It's a delicate balance of reaching out, and reeling in. A tight rope stretched between two beings that pulls, prods, and connects them. Seeking to create a union that forged in the heat of molten steel will stand against the cosmic waves of time.

Karma, kismet, whatever you call it, the blade is still as sharp. Its edge finely honed, awaiting the first pale drop of blood so that it can be sheathed. One test of many gifted by the Lady Fate. Wait too long and she withdraws her approval.

Sometimes, when dreams are not enough, all you can do is walk away and pretend that you live.