Evolution
by RaeC

I am nothing special; of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.

              ...Nicholas Sparks "The Notebook"

 ~~<<->>~~

Everything changes.  People change.  Worlds change.  Enemies change.  It all evolves; turns into something else for better or for worse.  Sometimes you see someone else.  Sometimes you are someone else.

A smell you've never noticed before tickles at the back of your mind, its presence comforting, known.  A smile, a walk disrupts your thoughts.  You get lost, wondering where you go from here. 

And it gets to the point where you ask yourself…did it ever happen at all?  Do you really want to know if it hadn't?

~~<<->>~~

I stopped by your office today. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help myself. I just had to see if anything had changed.  See if I could walk in here and not feel as if someone was ripping me wide open.  It's been at least a year since I walked down here and if it wasn't for Carter, I would have happily avoided it for another hundred years.

But it's the same.  I can feel you everywhere.  In the hallways, in the smell of books and papers that never seem to disappear.  In the rocks that cover the shelves that the newest occupant hasn't gotten rid of.  It's as if everyone is waiting for you to come back or maybe all of you archeologists are the same…can't let a good rock go to waste. 

I can still see you there, your head bent over some old book mumbling to yourself as you work out whatever the thing is trying to say.  And the way you always knew I was there, watching.  One moment you'd be mumbling and the next you'd look up, eyes bright blue and lit up like a kid in a candy store. 

"Jack, you have to look at this picture!  What did I tell you?  The Goa'uld did visit that planet.  But look at the language structure.  It's so different."

And you were off and running.  I'd understand maybe half of what you were talking about, but I didn't care.  I just liked being near, listening to you talk, watching as the joy of discovery took hold. 

Then I'd watch to make sure you didn't get too caught up, which you often did.  So wrapped up in your work, you'd forget that a world outside existed, unless you ran out of coffee.  The look on your face when there was nothing but dregs in the pot. 

That's all that's left now, a jumble of images. Quick glimpses into the past and dreams of what might have been.  The fights we had, like the one over the Eudorans.  The time we all went out and treated Teal'c to ice cream for the first time.  Hell, even just the quiet Saturday afternoons. 

One of my favorites was you running barefoot in the snow after some ferret type creature ran off with one of your boots on PX9 whatever.  And Sam, Sam couldn't stop laughing when you tripped over the beast.  Until then, I'd never heard you swear.  Didn't think the Great Doctor Jackson would stoop so low as to curse. 

Christ, Daniel, I miss you.

~~<->>~~

"You coming?"

I was startled out of my memories by Sam.  Right, she needed me to look at the new techno thingie they brought back from Area51. 

"I am sorry, Major Carter."  Teal'c.  How long has he been standing there?  Great.  Not only am I standing in the hallway daydreaming, someone had to catch me at it too.  This was going to go on my FitRep.

'Colonel O'Neill spends long hours in the hallways of the SGC lost in his own thoughts.  Perhaps desk duty is more applicable to his time in service.'

"Sure, Carter.  Sure.  Show me what you got."  We walked off down the hall to see this 'great new weapon', which we desperately needed, and all I could think was, Daniel's office smelled of spice, sand, and coffee.

~~<<->>~~

Bored with watching Sam and Teal'c trying to figure out how the stupid thing worked, I closed my eyes and leaned back in Sam's chair.  I figured it was going to take them a while.  I shouldn't have done that.  Just seeing that damn weapon brought back memories I wanted to forget.

The smell of charred flesh blended in with the screams of the dying.  The rain sucked at my boots as I tried to run, Daniel right behind me.  Staff weapons blasted at our heals and gliders roared overhead adding to the confusion as Daniel and I tried to make it to the Gate.  The locals were either dead or in the hills.  There wasn't anything else we could do without help reinforcements.

We scrambled up the hill, mud threatening to send us right into the hands of the Jaffa. We'd been lucky so far, the rocks and trees were the only thing saving us from being killed.  Sam and Teal'c did their best to lay down covering fire, but they were hampered by the tree line as much as the Jaffa.

Finally we made it to the top and ran, ran as if the devil himself were on our six.  The Gate was only a hundred yards away; we could make it.  We were going to make it. 

'I see you and Carter have been busy, Teal'c.'  I said as I reached the stairs.  The area around the Gate was littered with dead Jaffa. 

Teal'c gave a half smile and said, 'They were in the way.'

'Remind me to give you a raise.' I slapped Teal'c on the back as Daniel punched in the address for home and the welcome site of the Gate springing to life made me sigh with relief.  "You two better prepare the General for the bad news." 

'Carter lets go!'  It was my turn to lay down covering fire as Sam dug around the bodies of the dead Jaffa. 

'One second, sir!  The Goa'uld have a new weapon.' 

'Forget it, Major. Whatever it is, we'll come back for it later.  Those snake heads aren't going to wait around politely while we look for their newest toy.'

'I've got it, Colonel.  Just hold them off for one more minute.'

'Major, when we get back to base, you and I are going to have a talk.'

'Yes, sir.'

What the hell?  I turned my back for a moment to shoot at the tree line when the next thing I know, both Daniel and Carter are kneeling at the side of the dead Jaffa.

'Carter, Daniel.  Let's go!  Now!'

Sam grabbed the strange weapon from the ground, ran up the stairs and dove for the Gate, Daniel barely two steps behind her.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion from that point forward.  Daniel was taking the stairs two at a time shouting something at me that I couldn't hear over the roar of the gliders coming in fast.  He fell or maybe leapt, either way he hit the ground and in the process knocked me through the Gate. 

I landed hard on the ramp sliding halfway down before hitting my back against something else. I couldn't breathe. The Gate closed.  Hands pulled at my clothes and someone was shining a light in my eyes. It was then I felt something on my leg. I  looked down and Christ, I wished I hadn't.  Daniel.  A hole in his back still smoldered.  Charred black and white, not really bleeding, and not moving.  Daniel wasn't moving.

 'Daniel!' I heard Sam call out, but it didn't make sense.  Daniel would be fine.  The Doc would fix him up. 

'There is nothing you can do Major Carter.  Daniel Jackson is gone.'

Even though Teal'c spoke the words softly, I couldn't help but hear.  Dead.  No.  Not again.  Please God, not again. 

'Colonel, what the hell happened out there?'  I don't think the General really wanted to hear my answer, but I was going to tell him anyway.

'We were ambushed.  What do you think happened?'

'Colonel, I take exception to your tone.  I want you in my office in five minutes.'

'You know what, General?  I just don't give a damn.'  I turned my back and stalked off.  What are they going to do?  Fire me?  I needed to see Daniel.

"Why won't this thing work!"  Sam's frustrated yell pulled me back into the present. 

"Maybe you need to say the magic word," I offered. 

"I believe we should try again in the morning, Major Carter."

"You're right, Teal'c."

Oh sure, listen to the big guy but ignore your commanding officer. 

"It has been a long day for everyone."  Teal'c put his hand on Sam's shoulder.  "Will you be alright?"

"I'm fine, Teal'c."

"Then I will leave you alone." 

"Night, Teal'c,"  Sam muttered as she started taking the weapon apart one more time. 

"Good night, Major Carter."

I waved goodbye to Teal'c myself, stood up, and stretched.  "I think I'll head out too."  Sam, of course, ignored me.  Second string to a hunk of metal.  Figures. 

Time to go home.  To what was left of it anyway. 

~~<<->>~~

I must have a masochistic streak in me somewhere.  Fourteen hours watching Sam and Teal'c work on the gun and I wasn't tired.  No where near as exhausted as I wanted to be, or needed.  I've been pushing myself hard, taking as many missions as they'll let me, and it's never enough. Never enough to block out the image of you dying.  That look of surprise as you realize you've been hit.  Anger.  Confusion.  Betrayal. 

Over and over again I see it.  Different dreams, same results.

Flash.

You lying on the ramp, a hole from a staff blast in your back. 

Flash.

You lying broken, bleeding on some other planet; a grenade explosion taking not only part of an arm, a leg, and your face, but your life as well.

Flash.

Your head at this odd angle, as if you were sleeping.  Except that you're not breathing, you're too still and part of your skull has this strange indentation in it.

The only thing that stays the same is Apophis laughing in the background.

I'm not even sure how it happened anymore.  All I know is you're gone and I want you back so much it hurts. 

~~<<->>~~

For some reason, that part of dream never changes. 

Nor do the parts when we get back to the SGC.

It's too quiet.  The lights flash overhead as we run down the hall to the infirmary.  It's a strange rhythm.  Blink.  Blink.  Blink.  I can't even hear the sounds of boots hitting the hard concrete even though I know I should.  It's creepy. 

Then there's too much noise.   Yelling.  'Now!' Pain. I keep trying to reach Daniel, but I can't. Hands holding me.  

His uniform is covered in blood and dirt.  There's so much fear.  'Don't let him die.  Don't let him die.'  Blips from the machines as the wires are attached.  People moving all around, surrounding the bed blocking him from my sight. 

More yelling.  'We're losing him.'  The sea of people parted for just a second and I saw him again.  And I wished I hadn't.  Despair and pain.  'Don't let him die.  Don't you dare die on me.'  His hair matted and blood trickling down from a wound on his forehead.  Dark shadows under his eyes. His face pale.

Worry.  Fear.  Sam.  Teal'c.  Hands touching me again, this time comforting.  'It'll be okay.  He's a fighter.'  I can't see him.  Pain.  'Daniel.'  'Jack.'  'Get him out of here!'  This is a death watch, even I know it. No matter what they try, it won't be enough.

The room becomes hushed. There's nothing but Daniel.  I concentrate on him.  Seeing him.  Telling him silently what I'd never told him in life.  How much I loved him. Always too late.

Then the blips return.  Slower and slower. 'Don't you dare leave me alone.' Tears.  And then the curtain closes and there's nothing else.

Sighing, I turned away from the window, heading for the kitchen in search of a drink.  Stopping by Daniel's office today had been a mistake.  I knew it the moment I stopped instead of walking past.  My emotions were too raw.   I'm an idiot. 

In the kitchen, I notice how dark it is for the first time.  I'd been walking around without the lights on again.  I'd been doing that a lot lately.  Absent minded.  Working on instinct, not that I needed the lights on.  I could find my way around the house if it was pitch-black.  Besides, I didn't want to see how empty the place looked. 

Feeling it was bad enough. 

Stale.  Old.  Unlived in.  Which I suppose it was.  I spent most of my time at the base these days.

Grabbing a glass from the cabinet, I filled it with whiskey, taking the glass and bottle with me back to the living room.  I may not be able to sleep, but I sure as hell was going to try to knock myself out the old fashioned way. 

Settling back against the cushions, I tried to block out everything and just stared out the window.  There was a storm coming in, one of those big ones with the lightning shows.  I just wanted to watch Mother Nature work her magic and maybe I could forget at the same time. 

~~<<->>~~

"Do you think you can stop working for just one second and listen to me?" Daniel slammed his hands on my desk, pushing the report I was working on onto the floor.

"What, Daniel?"  I threw my pen on the desk and gave him my full attention.  Out of all the people at the SGC, he was the one I thought would understand.  "I said I was sorry.  What more do you want?"

"Respect."  Daniel said. 

"Respect?"  I was confused.  Are we back to that again?  "This conversation is running around in circles."

 "No, it's not, Jack."  Daniel hissed.  "I may be sleeping with you, but I'm not stupid." 

"What's that supposed to mean?"  I was starting to get angry myself.  This argument had been going on for almost two weeks now and I had no idea how to fix things.    

"It means that sometimes I'm right." Daniel was in full ranting glory.  For a moment, I thought he was going to deck me.  "Trust, Jack. 

"And what was I supposed to do?  They're Goa'uld.  And you'd been hiding in that shrine thingie all day.  We didn't know what you were doing or what was going on.  That doesn't inspire a lot of trust, Daniel."

I put my head in my hands, rubbing at my eyes. 

"I shouldn't have had to ask, Jack."

"Daniel, we've had this conversation before…" I started only to be cut off.  Daniel had come around the desk, grabbed my hands, and was crouching in front of me.  Christ, if anyone came in, I was dead.

"Yes, and you still don't get it.  Do you remember the first time we went to Abydos?"

"That was different."

"No, it's not, Jack.  You were afraid to trust then and you're afraid to trust now.   You'd think after five years, you'd trust me.  What does it take?  Tell me.  I really want to know. " 

I shook my head and pulled my hands free. "This is who I am, Daniel.  I'm a soldier.  It's not about trust, it's about making sure everyone comes home alive."

"Whoever she was, you must have loved her very much."  Daniel backed off, heading for the door.

"Daniel?"  He stopped, his back to me braced for a blow.  Just shut up, Jack.  Shut up.  "I'm sorry." 

Daniel turned around and looked me, searching for something.  I felt pinned under that stare.  Open.  Put on display.  Everything just there. 

"So am I."  Daniel walked out the door. 

~~<<->>~~

Sipping my drink, that's exactly how I felt right now.  Raw.  Bare.  Exposed.  It's almost as if you were here right now.  Standing in the doorway dripping wet with the lightning flashing outside and the wind driving the rain inside to soak the floor.

I even imagine I hear your voice.  'Thought I'd find you here.'

And I'm so afraid that you're going to disappear.  I know it's just my imagination, but I don't care.

'Jack?'

"Daniel?"  I reach out.  If this is all a dream, it's one of my better ones.  I don't care if I am going crazy.  You feel alive.  Real.  And wet.  Smiling I pulled you into my arms.  "Christ, I've missed you."

I'm not sure how it happened, but next thing I know we're both naked, stretched out on my bed and I can't think anymore. 

Heat.  His lips on mine.  Frantic.  Tongues dueling.  I've got his hair in my hand, trapping him so that he can't disappear on me.  Desperate.  Needy.  He's still wet so I start licking him all over.  Our hands everywhere. 

He arched up off the bed when I hit 'that' spot…the one on his neck.  I love this spot.  I've made him come from just sucking on it.  So real.  Solid.  I can feel the goosebumps on his arms.  I've never felt whole.  Alone, but not. 

I ran my fingers across his face.  It had been so long.  Such a long time.  His chin was rough with stubble.  His skin soft.  "Beautiful."  He opened his eyes.  So sad.  Trapped.  I put my finger on his lips. "Don't.  Just let me feel for a while."  Nodding, Daniel reached up and pulled me in for a kiss. 

And we just let go. 

I held him, kissed him, touched him.  Loved Daniel. 

I memorized the man I held in my arms.  Let my senses learn him all over again.  Licked and sucked on his nipples, ran my hands down to his hips holding him still as I licked my way to his groin.  He tasted of rain and sweat and musk.  He smelled like Daniel.  Felt like Daniel.  His scars a bit more faded than a year ago, but Daniel all the same. 

Daniel pulled on my hair as I licked my way up his cock, begging silently.  Christ, he was so hard, so hot.  I looked up, my eyes locked with his as I took his cock in my mouth.  It's hard to imagine, but his eyes seemed to darken even further, all traces of blue wiped out in an instant.

"Jack, please."

Shaking my head slightly, I grabbed his wrists tightly within my hands.  He strained up, struggling to go deeper, but I wanted this to last.  I needed to be in control, take things to the edge and back.  I sucked hard, taking him deep within my throat and he yelled.  God, that was such a turn on.  He tried to pull free, but I wouldn't let him. 

He bucked underneath me, as wild as the storm outside.  We established a strange sort of rhythm; him writhing and me sucking.  Just as he was about to come, I stopped, letting his arms free. 

Rising up on his elbows, Daniel glared at me.  "Jack, I'd kill you if…"

Daniel fell back on the bed as I deep throated him again to shut him up.  And he came.  I'd taken him so close this time that it didn't take much to push him over the edge. 

Taking advantage of the fact that Daniel was still recovering, I grabbed the lube from the nightstand and squirted some into my hand.  I coated my cock and then squirted some more into my palm to warm it up.

I spread his thighs with my other hand and he complied; to the point of putting his feet flat on the covers, knees bent, his body on full display.  "Beautiful."  There just wasn't any other word to describe him.  His skin gleamed in light that spilled from the street lamps.  And his eyes were slightly glazed over, mouth in a half smile, waiting. 

"Yes."  He whispered.

With extreme control learned heaven knew where, I prepared him.  First one finger, then two, sliding in and out.  He was so tight!  It was like the first time all over again. 

I wanted to be inside him right now, but at the same time just listening to him moan was a high.  He pushed back onto my fingers, his body giving itself over to me.  I could do anything I wanted and he wouldn't care.

He was chanting my name over and over again and I was shaking by the time that Daniel was ready.  I couldn't hold off anymore and began to slide inside him. Daniel hissed and I stopped moving.

"It's okay.  I'm fine.  Just give me a minute."  Daniel said, taking deep, calming breaths.  My arms ached from holding still.  I wanted him so much.  "Okay, now."  Daniel shifted his hips and pushed upward as I thrust forward.  In one, swift motion I was buried inside him. 

It was like entering scorching silk.  There's no other feeling like it on Earth, or in the universe for that matter. Time seem to stand still.  There was none of the frantic need that filled the hours in real life.  Here, they were just Jack and Daniel, the job no longer existed with its rules that could tear his world apart.   Nothing existed but the man beneath him, his face the very definition of hunger, of surrender. 

I drank it all in, gorged myself on Daniel.  Slid in and out of his body, felt as he tightened around me.  Harsh breathing, his and mine. His hands on my ass as he braced himself.  I pulled almost all the way out before thrusting back into his body once more.  The entire time, Daniel's eyes never left my face.

I could feel the pull of an orgasm, but I wasn't ready yet.  I wanted to bring Daniel back to that edge first.  I grabbed his cock and started to stroke.  Daniel seemed to have other ideas.  He  bucked up hard and I gasped. 

"Christ, Daniel.  Don't do that or I'll never be able to hang on."  I grabbed his hips, holding him still.  I was panting hard, the need to come overwhelming, sweat falling from my forehead.

"Jack, just fuck me and fuck me hard.  Now."  I gave him what he wanted.  Pounded into him, taking and giving at the same time.  I didn't realize how close to the edge he was.  It didn't take much.  A couple of hard thrusts and I felt my control slip as he came.  It was pure fucking bliss.

I carefully pulled out and went into the bathroom to clean up.  Daniel was mine, to have and to hold, forever.  If I had a lifetime, I couldn't have loved Daniel anymore than I did right now.

Loud thunder broke the spell and the dream disappeared.  I wanted to cry. 

Loved you?  Hell, I still love you.  I can smell you here in this room.  Feel the marks left by your lips, by your hands.  The weight of your body pressed against me as if it was five seconds ago and not a year.  The warmth on your side of the bed.  Your voice calling my name.  Feel you.  Taste you.  Breathe you.

Forty-five years old and the only relationship in my life is with a ghost.  What would you have to say about that, I wonder?  Would you tell me to go on?  To let you go? 

I can't.  I've tried.  I was lost the moment a geeky, blue-eyed male sneezed his way onto my team. 

~~<<->>~~

I ran my hand over the rumpled covers remembering the dream and then rolled out of bed.  It wasn't even midnight, but it felt as if days had past.  And I know I'm not going to fall back asleep for a while. 

Daniel was as much a part of this house as I was.  There was no use avoiding it any more.  That's the real reason I don't come home anymore. 

I walked out into the middle of the living room but didn't see the months of dust lying on the shelves, the dead plants, or the cobwebs in the corners.  I forgot I was a colonel in the US Air Force with a mission scheduled for the morning. 

Instead it was summer, the kind of day where I like to take my shoes off and run around barefoot in the grass.  And it's hot.  So hot that I'm thinking of dragging out the hose and spraying Daniel with it.  Just for fun, of course.  

He's up on the deck stretched out on one of the lawn chairs sleeping.  It's just too tempting. 

"Don't even think about it, Jack."  Hmm, not as asleep as I thought. 

"What?"  I can do innocent if I put my mind to it.

"Nice try.  Pull the other one."  Unless I'm up against Daniel.  He knows me too well.  "Why don't you come up here and keep me company?"

"It's too hot to lay down, Daniel."  Although, he looks good doing it.  I wonder if I can drag him back into the house?

"No."  Daniel sat up, pulling on his shirt at the same time. 

"Would you stop that and why not?"

"I can't help it if you broadcast your intentions, Jack.  And because you invited people over for dinner tonight." 

"We've got an hour before anyone is due to show up."  I walked over to the deck where Daniel was coming down the stairs. 

"No.  You know as well as I do that Sam always shows up early."

"True."  I took him in my arms, holding him close.  "Fifteen minutes then." 

He laughed.  "Sometimes I wonder if you want to be caught, Jack."

"I could live with that."

"I can't."  Daniel ran his fingers over my cheek.  "You'd miss all the action within a week."

I kissed him, hard, out in the middle of the lawn where everyone could see.  He was right.  I would miss the action.  But there were times, like right then and now, where I would miss him more. 

It's what I wanted, for Daniel and I to be together.  More than the military, more than my career.  More than some friendships I knew I would lose if it ever came to light that I was living with another man.  This was our sanctuary.  Not knights in shining armor running off to save the universe.  Just us, here, in this house. 

And everywhere, like Kilroy, were little signs that said 'Daniel was here'.  A book hidden under some yellowing papers.  A pair of glasses forgotten on the table.  A jacket tossed on the chair.  It's as if Daniel was still there.  I couldn't bear to get rid of any of it. 

I could almost pretend he wasn't gone. 

It was a living hell. 

'You said Hell, right?'

'Well, I'm going to end up there sooner or later.  Might as well check out the neighborhood, huh?'

Sokar's version of hell is nothing compared to my life right now.  The memories are killing me, slowly but surely, day by day.   Especially tonight.  Everything is all mixed up together.  Every time I turn around, there's Daniel. 

Jerked back into the present by the storm, I grabbed my glass and went to refill it.  Sometimes the hardest burden to carry is one you carry alone.  This was definitely one of those times.  On my best days, I had trouble sharing my feelings.  It's what destroyed my marriage.  But with Daniel it was different.  I didn't need to tell him, he just knew. 

Who was left that I could talk to?  No one.  All I had left was my job; one whisper and I'd have to retire.

Sure, I took a few more risks than I should.  Nearly got my head blown off on the last mission, but the guy missed.  I'm not sure which is more disturbing; the fact that I don't care or the fact that the SGC has let me keep my command. 

One death wish coming right up. 

I downed my whiskey and went out on the deck and yelled into the storm.  "What do you want from me!?"

'Ketchup would be nice.' 

Not again.  Please, enough.

The sun was out, the barbecue was going, and best of all, Daniel was there wearing that silly 'Cooks do it with gusto' apron, flipping burgers.  

"And you better make it quick, Jack.  Cassie, Janet, and Sam are going to be here any second."  I wanted to touch him again.  Daniel looked at me as if I'd lost a few screws but didn't make much of it.  I just stood there, looking.  His hair had some sort of messy thing going on and he was wearing jeans.   Tight, black jeans.  And a black t-shirt.  If he had any idea what that outfit did to me. 

'Jack?  You okay?'

'Uh, yeah.'  I was going to have to take a cold shower before this day was over. 

'Ketchup?'

'Oh right.'  I stopped at the door. 'Promise me something.'  I knew it was wrong to ask, but I did it anyway.

'Sure.'  Daniel was humoring me again.  I could tell by the almost smile that was really more of a smirk. 

'I'm serious, Daniel.'

'Whatever it is, I promise, Jack.' 

'Don't you even want to hear what it is?'

'I don't need to.'  Daniel closed the lid to the grill and gave me his full attention.   

'Promise me you'll never say goodbye.'  I waited.  It seemed to take forever for him to answer. 

'Okay.'

'Okay?  Just okay?  No arguments, no explanations, just okay?'

'I love you, it's as simple as that.  Just…'  That haunted look that I haven't seen since Sha're's death was all over his face, most of all in his eyes.  'Just don't leave me alone.'

I nodded and was about to go off in search of the ketchup when Daniel's voice stopped me again.

'Jack?'

"Yeah?"

'I was wrong.'

I know I'm going nuts now.   That's always been my line.  I'm back in my kitchen again, Daniel's voice still hanging in the air.

'Jack?' 

Oh God, I can feel his hands on my face.  Don't stop, Daniel.  Don't stop.

'I. Was. Wrong.'

"What?" Christ, I'm so confused.   Am I awake or asleep?  Sane or insane?  Isn't there a saying that goes 'if you have to ask, then you're still sane'? 

'I take back my promise, Jack.' 

No.   He can't.  I won't.  

He's all I have.  Even if it was just a flash of another day, another time and my imagination at work. 

It all seemed so real too.  The warmth of the sun, the mixture of spice and smoke that surrounded Daniel.  It was like going to heaven and then tumbling back to earth.  The beauty of a summer's day compared to the violence of the light show outside.  Soft, comforting warmth against the steady beat of hot whites, pulsing reds, and brilliant blues as they pounded from the clouds.

I  glanced around, really taking a look at the place.   My ghost Daniel was right, or wrong as the case may be.  It was time to let go, no matter how much I didn't want otherwise.  "The old house isn't what it used to be, huh, Daniel?"

'It could use a coat of paint or two.  Some dusting.' 

Spend some money sprucing the place up instead of waiting for something that was never going to happen.  No, things were never going to be the way they were.  Daniel was gone.  And I'm alone. 

"Time to sell the house.  Give the furniture to Goodwill.  Start over again."

'Is that what you want?'

"No, that's not what I want, Daniel.  I want...I want you!"   I threw my glass across the room and watched it shatter against the wall.

'Having a temper tantrum isn't going solve anything, Jack.'

"Made me feel better." 

'Yeah, but…'

"Leave it, Daniel.  I'll clean it up in a minute."

'Jack?'

"What!?"

'It's time.'

"No." Yeah, actually it was, but I wasn't going to admit it, not out loud.   It would make things real.   The memories would fade.   They were all I had…there just underneath the surface, when I slept, when I ate, when I breathed.  Little ones that would pop out as I drove home.  Or like now.  It would mean that I'd have to give up the sound of his voice.

'Yes.'

Damn it!  He's even stubborn as a ghost.  "One more hour?"

'One. And then I really have to go.'   

I took him up to the roof.  The storm had finally blow over while we were talking and the world smelled new.  Clean.  I sat with my back against the wall and let him lean into me.  I wrapped my arms around him and just held on for all I was worth.  Yeah, it was cold, but what the hell.  I had Daniel.  For that hour, we existed in the same space and time. 

No hidden dangers lurking in the shadows.  No nightmares.  Not caught in a half-surreal world of life and death.  

We simply were. 

Real.  Solid.  Not a hallucination brought on by a round of Goa'uld hand thingie pin-ball with my brains. 

"Jack?"

Not a dream.  It wasn't a dream.  Not a dream. 

"Jack."

As real as it gets. "Yeah?"  I kissed the back of Daniel's neck.

"I'd like to keep a few of my ribs if you don't mind." 

"And if I do?"  I felt Daniel's laughter against my arms, my chest.  God, I'd missed this feeling. 

It was a morning ritual.  Something from the past I'd nearly forgotten.   I would wake up first just so I could take in Daniel one sense at a time.   The feel of his skin against mine.  The rich, musky smell of him.  How he tasted, slightly bitter, slightly salty.  The steady beat of his heart under my ear.  Watching as he woke, his eyelashes fluttering, his cheeks reddening as his breath sped up. 

Daniel is and was my anchor. 

"Jack?"  Daniel snuggled closer.  "You know I loved you, right?"

"Yeah.  I knew."  

"Just checking."  He leaned his head back onto my shoulder.

"You know you meant everything to me, right?" 

"Yeah.  I knew."

Daniel loved me.  Distracted me at night when the nightmares came.  Talked to me. 

Hell, he got up in the middle of the night when he had to work the next morning just to stay up with me when I couldn't sleep. 

Daniel had saved my life twice.  Once on Abydos and again now. 

There wasn’t anything I wouldn't do for him.  Put up with endless conversations about cultures that meant absolutely nothing.  Go to the Woody Allen film festival at the local movie theater instead of watching the first game in the hockey finals. 

Whatever the cost, Daniel had been worth it. 

"Sun's coming up." 

"I know."

"I wish…"

"Me too."  Daniel sighed, pulling at my arms.  "Time to go."

"Daniel…" I held on.  Not yet, not yet.  I still had five minutes.

"I told you once, Jack.  I know everything I need to know."

"I'm trying to tell you something important, dork."

I was loved.  And had loved in return.  It was enough.  It had always been enough, just took me a while to see it.  That's why I had this one last night, to put everything right, and it was almost over.  

I hugged him.  "Thank you."

Yawning, Daniel glanced back at me curiously. "For what?"

"You."  I took his hand, rubbing the faint line on his ring finger.  "I should have said something a long time ago, but I was afraid.  No, I was terrified.  Of you.  Of me.  Of the military."

"Jack."  Daniel laid his hand over mine.

"Yeah?"  Anything, Daniel.  Anything… 

"Why?"

But that. 

I couldn't pretend to misunderstand this time.  I'm good at denial, but even I'm not that good.  No way to cut him off.  He deserved an honest answer.

"I couldn't let you die."  I guess he didn't expect me to be that honest. 

"I have to go."  Now he's angry with me.  Well, what did he expect? I made a promise.  I kept it.  Did he want me to say it was an accident?  It wasn't.  I jumped in front of the blast that would have killed him.

"I'm sorry."   I knew I hurt him.  I hurt us both.  But I didn't regret it.  "Some things are best left unsaid, Daniel.  But not that." 

He pulled away from me and we walked downstairs in silence.  I'd run out of time yet there was so much left to say.  I wanted to tell him that he was my best friend.   Make him understand that, I'd die again and again if it meant he lived.  But I couldn't get any of it to come out.

"Everything changes, Jack.  Even we have to move on." 

"I love you, Daniel."  I kissed him; long, deep, and with as much passion as I could.   

There was that look again.  The one where he seemed to be able to read everything in my heart, in my mind, in my soul.  This time, he seemed to find what he was looking for. 

"I know.  You always have."  With one last caress Daniel walked out the door and never looked back.   

I stood there, just watching, waiting.  The sun rose, it set.  It had been real.  Everything.  Now, I just had to find the courage to leave myself.  

 "Goodbye, Daniel."

--The End--