Alex: Miles To Go Before I Sleep

Sabryn.

You are my naked flame. As brightly shimmering as any other, radiating a heat so intense it burns. A dangerous tongue of fire, licking me into submission, singeing me inside and out, stealing the breath from my lungs.

You sauntered in and pulled me out of the coma I called my life. You opened my eyes, made me see who I was and really look at the people around me. You made me feel. I don't know if I should hate you, or be grateful. For the first time since I was born, I am alive. A buzzing electrical current of emotions, thoughts, and God help me, conscience. I've finally seen what my deeds have done to others. Worse yet, I finally feel the sharp slicing pain of wounds inflicted upon myself.

Who would have imagined all this time, while I was struggling to stay alive, I hadn't even learned how to live?

But knowing who I am brings me no satisfaction. I'm an evil, sick fuck. A selfish bastard. I don't know how you can stand the sight of me. Especially after leaving the way I did. I finally realized I'm a jackass, long after the damage was done.

I'm not used to caring about anything but my own ass. As long as I had a roof over my head and food in my belly, I was perfectly content with the world. Absurd, isn't it? The fucking earth is a ticking time bomb, and I didn't have a care other than making sure my hide was safe. But things change, don't they? Once a man gets kicked in the ass by reality, there's no going back. It isn't just me that matters anymore. Hell, for once, I'm the last worry on my mind. And you may never believe this, baby, but I'm doing it for you.

You seem to have this unshakable faith in me, and, while I'm humbled by the notion, I'm sure as hell not a hero. I once wanted to be. I was going to expose them, tell their dirty little secrets publicly, take the glory of their downfall all for myself. It sounded like a good idea at the time. But there's no room for victory when the world is falling apart under your feet. I'd be lucky to stay alive. No, glory doesn't matter to me anymore. Survival always will.

No longer numb to the world around me, I'm in awe of all the things I missed. There would have been no point in facing the future if I had no appreciation of the human race. We're an interesting sort, Sabryn. At one moment warring with our neighbors, and then showing such compassion as to give our hard-earned money to a foreign child we've never met. Technology has allowed us to speak to people on the other side of the world. Yet, even the simplicity of a sunset can still bring us to silence. We have evolved, honed ourselves through the ages, and there's so much more we could achieve...if only given the chance. We are all still learning to live, to experience, and we haven't even scratched the surface.

I used to imagine myself as a warrior in the future, a man far too busy defending himself to have time for others. In the last few weeks, that vision changed. You once asked me what I wanted, and I told you it was something you couldn't give me. The truth is, you're the only one who can.

And so, I hear you asking, why did I leave? Maybe a bit of nerves, I'll admit. Suddenly caring for someone else, after a lifetime of solitude, is overwhelming in the least. But even that much was not enough to drive me away. I left because I had to. There are men that need to pay. There are amends I need to make. Who would have thought Alex Krycek would ever say he's sorry?

More than anything, I intend to fight. For you. Your family. Mankind. You were right in saying that's too much for one man to take on, but I'm not alone. And if there's even the slightest chance I can do something to help it, you will survive.

I wish I'd been articulate enough to tell you how much you mean to me, before I left. I know you have a hard time believing anyone loves you, and I'd like to severely torture your parents for the way they treated you. No child should have to grow up alone, and yet we both did. Although I had my parents' support, they were both so self-involved much of the time. I guess that comes with the business, and the affair. Still, I knew by the way they taught me that I was loved. If only you'd been so lucky.

Although I despise some of his methods, I could kiss your brother for caring for you so much. But no one will ever convince me that you need to be babied the way he does. You're a strong woman, I've seen it for myself. Jesus, you stand up to me...doesn't that tell you something?

You make me laugh more than anyone has in my entire life. When you've seen the things I have, finding something amusing isn't easy. And feeling an emotion other than disgust is a miracle in itself. You've given me the belief that things are better than they seem. Your blind optimism is contagious. One of these days, I will prove to you that your parents were wrong. Since I met you, nothing has been the same. You've made me a better person, a man I can be proud of...at least somewhat. I can't even imagine what these past weeks would have been like without you.

I have done some awful things in my life. I have killed, tortured, lied. They should have imprisoned me and thrown away the key. You should have run screaming in the opposite direction, and the only reason you didn't was because you didn't know. But even when you did, you loved me still. I could never tell you what that means to me, how it makes me feel. And if it takes the rest of my life, I promise you I will give you the very same faith in return. I can't promise you tomorrow, but I will do my damnedest to come back to you. You can count on it.

I will not rest, nor falter, until I see you smiling again.