The Dawning Horror

God, I am such a dick some times.

"You've never seen one before, have you?" I ask as I come back in from the kitchen where I've been washing green shit off my favourite gloves. And my second best handy dandy space age stiletto. The kid looks shell shocked.

"It's shocking at first. The acceptance of the idea, it's ... it's something you thought only children and fools believed in. It undermines your beliefs -- in yourself, in the world ... but then you come to understand."

Fools like Mulder. It's true, the idea is pretty shocking, I mean, aliens? Where the fuck's Sigorney Weaver when you really need her. To hell with Sigourney Weaver, she got her ass kicked. I'd rather have Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith, at least they got rid of the aliens in one shot. Jesus. Butter wouldn't melt in my fucking mouth as I look at him all concerned and he eats it up. I shoulda been an actor. Woulda won a goddamn Academy Award - Best Supporting Actor in a Life Changing Moment. I can't think of the last time I've had this much fun on an assignment.

"Understand what?" He asks and I can see the little hamster wheel turning.

I shouldn't be so mean. I really shouldn't, some day it's going to catch up with me. Maybe that's why I let that pussy Mulder beat on me whenever he gets the chance, pays off some bad karma. Mulder doesn't know how lucky he is. One of these days his pissing and moaning about the truth is going to make me so sick I'm gonna break his motherfuckin' neck. Put us all out of our misery. It would be easy if I had two arms but it wouldn't be what you'd call hard. Every day Scully doesn't shoot him then herself amazes me.

"Well, the responsibility that this knowledge demands by the men who have it. The great sacrifice by great men like your father."

Some lies are harder to say than others.

The shit that comes outta my mouth. I tell ya one thing, I am so glad my folks are dead. I never knew my mom, she died when I was born, but my father and I were friends. I thought I could save him but I couldn't.

Great men like his father. Bullshit. My father was a great man.

Fuckin' collaborators. Back in the good old days we'da strung 'em up by by their thumbs, horsewhipped them and left them for the wolves. God I miss home. Right now I really don't give a shit which home.

Ignorance really is bliss. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what I did to get myself into this shit. If I was just some schmuck workin' a nine to five and the aliens came I'd head for the hills and if that didn't work, well, a bullet to the brain is better than a life of slavery. But no, I had to open my fuckin' mouth and get myself in trouble.

"What sacrifice?"

The pet turtle you had when you were seven, Jeffy. What the fuck sacrifice do you think?

"The sacrifice of your mother."

This poor kid don't know jack shit about what's really going on. This is almost as fun as deflowering a virgin. Oh, I'm good, I say it like it hurts. Alex Krycek, doin' the Cossacks proud. I think he's going to pass out. I win my second Oscar for the night when I look at him all puzzled. I shake my head, like I don't understand that *he* doesn't understand. I feel so obvious, like a blind guy couldn't see through this little facade.

"What do you know about that?" He stands up to face me. Confusion writ large. Ah, the sweet smell of sedition, dissension, discord.

"Just that she's ... been the subject of an experiment for 25 years." A wide eyed innocent, that's me. I blink a lot, just to show I'm sincere. There's something really sad about this whole thing. I almost feel sorry for him.

"My father's involved in that? Is he?" Desperate for denial.

"Your father directs the experiments."

"So ... I'm protecting her now so the experiments can continue?"

Little Jeffy Spender, always the last to know.

"That's why he put you on the X-Files. That's why your father sent you here tonight. You're protecting the project, Jeff. Making the sacrifices. So that you can be a great man, too."

Ah, the dawning horror. I step in closer, creating the illusion of intimacy, invading his space. I think about putting a hand on his shoulder but reject it. I smile at him with my eyes, a useful talent if you can master it. People think you're trustworthy if you smile with your eyes. He's too stunned to notice. I force the issue by calling him by his first name and he seems to understand what I'm saying.

"I'll be my own great man."

There's a certain satisfaction in a job well done If it wasn't for the goddamn aliens I'd love my job. I smile and follow him out of the house.