Dear Abby

Dear Abby,

I am normally a very self-reliant person, but I feel compelled to write to you about this problem I am having. I am now in my late thirties and I do not have a girlfriend. It does not usually bother me but lately people are starting to talk and the other night one of the other guys in the office hit on me, which was embarrassing for all concerned.

There is this girl I really like at work, that I have known for a long time, but I have never had the courage to ask her out.

I kind of think she likes me, as she nearly let me kiss her once, but the problem is that I am engaged in fighting the forces of evil in the form of an international global conspiracy to enslave and annihilate mankind by surrendering control to a vicious extraterrestrial race that intend to colonise the world through infection via bees carrying genetically altered pollen. This does not really leave me much time for dating.

Sometimes I spend the whole night sitting on my couch, watching videos, and thinking about her. There was this one time I actually did get into her bed, but that was because I was ill and psychopathically deranged due to LSD being pumped into my water system by the armies of darkness who wanted to discredit me and my work, and she let me stay there because she didn't think it was good that I was wandering around in that condition with a gun and everything. So that probably doesn't count.

Please advise me,

Paranoid

Abby replies:

Dear Paranoid,

You clearly have a problem, not just with women, but generally. I am sending you my leaflet; "Paranoid Schizophrenia - Why It's Not The End Of The World". I would also advise you, if you want to meet women, to expand your social circle. Why don't you take up a hobby, like basket-weaving or golfing, or join a night class?

It sounds to me like your job is feeding your psychosis. Perhaps you could quit it and work for the forces of evil - the pay and conditions are probably much better. As they say, if you can't beat them, join them. I am sending you an application form I happened to have lying around.

Regarding the other problem you mentioned in your letter, which I didn't print to spare your feelings, I am also sending you my leaflet, "Breaking your Porn Addiction", which I am sure you will find helpful. May I also suggest you join one of the support groups in your area.

I am sure you have lots to offer the right woman, especially after the psychiatric drugs kick in, and hope this advice is helpful to you.

Dear Abby,

On the surface, I have the world on my plate. I have a good job at the FBI, even if I don't really like what I'm doing at the moment, my Dad is a powerful man and is helping my rise in a conspiracy to dominate the world through participation in a secret shadow government, and so far everything seems fine.

The problem is that I really like this girl at work, but I can't ask her out because her "partner", who hates me, is always there. He is a real pain in the ass, always shouting at me and making me look bad in front of her. I've asked my Dad to get rid of him but I just get a load of excuses.

I'm sure he poisons her mind against me, so even if I approached her during one of the frequent intervals where he ditches her and runs off doing his own insane thing, she would turn me down. And tell him. And then he'd tell everyone in the office and they'd all laugh at me. More so than they already do.

I once wrote her a letter describing my feelings but then my partner found it and thought it was addressed to her, and things were very scary here in the basement for a little while.

I don't know what she sees in this guy. He's a nutjob. I'm scared he'll beat me up.

Please tell me what to do (someone has to),

Wretched In Love

Abby replies:

Dear Wretched,

Despite your assurances, I think you suffer from textbook lack of self-esteem, despite your excellent connections. You sound like an admirable young man that will go far in the world. Don't sink to this bully's level by use of casual assassination techniques. First destroy everything he holds dear and then cast him out for the wolves of his own restless, cracked mind to tear apart from within.

If you want to get involved with this girl, maybe you should find out what she is into. Work out what areas of common ground you both have.

Alternatively, read my leaflet, "Problems With Work Colleagues", which I am sending to you.

Dear Abby,

I hope you can help me. There's this girl I really like, and I can't stop thinking about her. I have this recurring fantasy of covering her with peanut butter and licking it all off. She's really hot.

The problem is that I think that one of my friends, who has known her for longer, also really likes her, though he's never asked her out. I think if I asked and she said yes, it would really upset him.

What should I do?

Computer Nerd

Abby replies:

Dear Computer Nerd,

You haven't a chance in Hell with her, but ask anyway. Mention the peanut butter. And then write and tell me what happened. Even agony aunts need a good laugh sometimes.

Oh, and work out more. There is nothing manly about a man that sits behind a computer all day.

Dear Abby,

I hope you can help me - if not I may have to kill you. I am not (unlike most of the guys writing to your column lately) normally someone that has a problem with women. In my current job, for instance, I spend a lot of time driving around, killing people, betraying them, selling state secrets, and so forth, and still find time to mix strawberry daiquiris for the women in this secret organisation that I do occasional driving and cabana boy work for.

The problem is that this one girl I really like will have nothing to do with me due to this unfortunate mix-up where me and this guy I was working with killed her sister. I have tried explaining that we actually meant to kill HER, but she is having none of it. I even sent a Valentine's Card, and didn't put a bomb in it or anything, but even that got no response.

I'm all out of ideas at the moment. Any suggestions?

Treacherous

Abby replies:

Dear Treacherous,

Even the most obdurate woman, no matter how angry she is, is softened by a romantic gesture. Women have flighty but sensitive minds. Try sending her champagne and flowers. Without poison or explosives attached. Once you've swept her off her feet explain that you deeply regret killing her sister and hope you can both put it behind you.

Dear Abby,

My problem is men just don't seem to find me attractive. Nobody ever asks me out, ever. I never have any fun.

I have a postgrad in physics and I'm also a fully trained MD, so maybe they find me too intellectually intimidating.

There is this guy I really like that I work with, but even though he did try to kiss me once I think he is too wrapped up with trying to save the world from invading aliens to get involved with me. Also we argue all the time since he believes in all that stuff and I don't. Most of the time I don't, anyway.

Please help,

Lonely Agent

Abby replies:

Dear Lonely Agent,

Perhaps if you spent less time being intellectual and more time being supportive and feminine more men would be interested in you. It's not surprising you're not married at your age if you are always arguing with the one man who has displayed any interest in you. Men don't want women with brains - they want women that can provide them with a comfortable home and children while they are out saving the world.

If I were you I would dye my hair blonde and wear shorter skirts and more revealing clothing.

I hope you reflect carefully on my advice. I am sending you my leaflet - "Getting and Keeping A Man", which I am sure will be instructive.

Dear Abby,

Do I look like Ally McBeal? Thanks for nothing. I now have another problem, and I hope your advice will be a little more useful this time.

Everyone I know seems to have gone crazy. For a start, my partner has taken up golf. This is not in itself disturbing (or if it is, only reasonably disturbing), but he also has started attending this "self-help" group. I followed him once, and the people going in and out of the building looked really shifty...

Also, he is smiling idiotically and taking pills all the time. He says he feels a lot better about himself and is having therapy to work through his Samantha issues. He wants me to come next week with him so "We can work through our co-dependency."

He is being very weird. He was always weird, though, and I prefer the weird before to the weird now. And worst of all, the other day I was in his car and I found an application form for "The Conspiracy" lying in his glove compartment. He had filled half of it in.

That is not all. The other day, this creepy little weasel that I work with asked me to come to his office. He had put this big "I Want To Believe" poster up on his wall and started to explain that he believed in alien abduction now. I said that I didn't. So then he said that he didn't. Then he went all red and started to tremble and asked me on a date. I said no. I told my partner and he told everyone in the office, and they all laughed at this guy.

And then this friend of my partner came around to my house and told me that he wanted to cover me in peanut butter and lick it all off. It was very freaky and alarming - I didn't want to have to get violent as this guy is half my size. In the end I had to tell him I'd think about it in order to get rid of him. And now I keep finding strange messages on my answer machine and gift-wrapped jars of Skippy on my doorstep.

But the strangest thing at all happened last night. It was like some drug-induced nightmare. Alex Krycek, the most evil guy I know (bar one) woke me up in the middle of the night serenading me outside my window with "Fire and Rain" by James Taylor. I was so confused for a minute that I forgot where my gun was and at that point he burst into my house bearing flowers and champagne and wearing a Tarzan suit.

Fortunately I was able to get my weapon out before matters got even more out of hand.

Hope you have a theory, or at least an explanation for all of this,

Lonely Agent (who isn't THAT lonely, thank you very much.)

Abby replies:

Dear Lonely Agent,

After reading your letter, I have come to a decision. I have decided to quit being an agony aunt and join the FBI. It sounds like loads of fun.

Could you send me a leaflet explaining how to join?

Thanks,

Abby.