Grace

Grace is a beautiful thing.

It's hard to find anyone who has it anymore. But it's in everything. A bird in flight, a cat stalking, a blade striking...

The blade... It's still in my dreams.

I'm running, running away... but I'm not moving. My arms and legs are paralyzed, I fall to the ground. I'm in... I'm in a hallway. Cold, cold floor. I'm scared. He looms like Death's shadow over me. I hear the blade's sharp *wsst* as it pops out.

Why is he trying to hurt me? I thought we were friends...

I jump up in bed, a cold sweat covers me. The same dream. The same damned dream over and over again. I hate it. They have all that great technology, why don't they help me? She would help me. She would steal for me... But she won't die for me. And she would die, if she tried to help.

The day comes early, and I wonder: Will today be my last?

Water trickles down my face, my chest, my hips. I always need a cold shower after I wake up. Weighing myself. I've lost more weight today. In this line of work, you can never tell why things happen to you. I could be sick, it could be normal... Or it may be those bastards screwing with my genetic structure again. You can never tell. Oh yeah, they can tell me that they haven't done anything to me all they want. I can tell. Waking up in the middle of the night dripping with sweat, breaking out in hives for no reason, keeling over with headaches so bad it feels like I've been shot... But there's nothing I can do about it.

Getting dressed is another depressing experience. Phantom pains are constantly running across where my arm used to be. I feel tiny prickly sensations like it fell asleep. But not all my life is sadness. She's here... I see her pull in my driveway. My only love. If only I could tell her. But, it's not to be. Our love must remain secret, or else... lord knows what they would do to us.

As she entered the house, she asked, "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah, hang on."

I walk into the kitchen. The medication I take everyday...I have to. There's the usual; Pain meds, antibiotics for my arm, Prozac... I smile. I'm definitely one drugged-up assassin: that's for sure. Then there's some other stuff I don't even want to think about. But I take it willingly, knowing that I would be much worse off if I didn't. Putting on my jacket, I head out the door with her.

We're here. It's a pretty nondescript office, but with the vibes around it, might as well have a big neon sign above the door saying "Evil Empire Headquarters". No sense of arrival here. It always seems like you come in at the middle of an important conversation. This time though, there's a sense of anxiety. Not because of a full house, but rather the lack of one.

It's like approaching a caged tiger. You know it won't hurt you, but there's still that feeling in your gut that this is dangerous. But then again, my life is laced with danger.

"You're late."

A curl of smoke winds around his head, almost like a halo...or a Medusa's head of snakes. I can almost hear the deadly hiss. He's angry with us.

She stood up straight, Ms. Businesswoman-like. "I can explain, sir. You see-"

"No, no. It's all right." He casts a cold stare at me. "I expected as much."

My heart still tightens at the sound of his voice. It's a voice I despise, but paradoxically one I always aim to please. I force myself to stare back at him. "What's this all about?"

"You are to arrive in Vladivostok at five a.m. tomorrow. I've arranged everything already."

"You still haven't answered my question."

"Because I didn't think it necessary to tell you. You will be informed when you get there."

I wanted to say something more, but the words got stuck in my throat. I knew there was no way out of obeying him. Resistance was useless and I hated it.

"Fine. When do we leave?"

He allowed himself a thin smile. "Now."

Luckily it was a long flight. I could sleep. For me, sleep is a luxury. Hardly ever get a good nights rest anymore. But I tried this time. She lets me put my head on her shoulder. I can smell the perfume on her neck, the scent of her flesh...reality becomes dream as her fragrances dance in my head. Like a halo...like a Medusa's head of snakes...so my visions become...

She wakes me when we arrive. The sky is hazy gray, and the drizzle has covered the ground with puddles. I'm still wondering why we're here. Why here? Why again? What do they want this time?

Indeed, everything was planned. A man was there, and, by his looks, we both knew he was waiting for us. He was tall and thin, white like a specter, with jet-black hair. He looked no older than me, and yet in his jade eyes he looked older than time. What brutal experience, what savage event could scar him so badly? Nothing worse than what I've gone through, I hoped, or else I couldn't stand to look at him. He smiled warmly. "You must be the one's I've been waiting for."

Rookie.

I answered. "Yeah. So are you gonna tell us what this is about, or are we gonna have to wait another twelve hours?"

"Uh, I guess I'm supposed to. Not here, though. We need to speak in private."

"Uh-huh. Yeah, well, I gotta go clean up. So wait here. OK?"

She looks at me pleadingly. Oh Alex, don't leave me here with this greenie. Sorry, sweets.

I turn and head for the bathroom. Traveler's shower and then it's off to nowhere. It's always the same old song. Oh well, here we go...

In the car with him. The boy. "So what's the deal?"

"About 200 kilometers from Vladivostok is a town called Grodekovo. A man lives there. Davyd Ushakov. He's a former member of the Syndicate."

"He doesn't sound familiar."

"He shouldn't- Dr. Ushakov left years ago. He's kept to himself, avoiding detection by us for nearly 15 years."

"Until now?"

"Yes. We've gathered that he wandered around Russia for a while, never settling down and being very careful not to leave any paper trail for us to follow. It was only on an anonymous tip that we found him at all."

"Doctor, huh? Hmmm...Why did he leave?"

"He..." Oh come on, why does anyone leave the Syndicate? "He didn't agree with our views."

Liar. He left because he found what we were truly capable of, the atrocities we could commit without detection. He left because he was afraid, he thought he could simply escape the horrors. Fool! Now he finds himself in even worse straits than before, being hunted down like a dog. And now...

I was almost afraid to ask. "Why did they send us here?"

"I was told you two had a special...knack for gathering information. He has something we've wanted for a long time."

"Is that all we're here for?"

"Well, we're sure he's not gonna go without a fight. So..." There was a long pause.

"Take him out. Right?"

I could tell he still felt queasy discussing the "k" word. "Um, yeah."

So at least now I knew why we were here. Of course, I should have known. What else do I ever do for these people? Oh, right. I fetch coffee and chauffeur old guys too. Wow. But at least she was here with me this time. Without her, I don't think I would've done this at all. I wonder if that's going to end up being a good thing or a bad thing?

It took a couple hours of driving to get to Grodekovo. Once there, the boy I knew now was called Damien told us, we could eat and rest. We needed to do this under cover of darkness... Like it even mattered. No one lived there, no one was going to stop us. Surprisingly, the tiny fishing town had a motel. Even more surprisingly, we had a room reserved. Ordered some regional dish, a fish platter with rice that was certainly...fragrant to say the least. Despite its smell though, we all found it quite filling.

We could all sleep. Damien looked as if he hadn't slept in weeks, and only now had it become apparent. As soon as his head hit that pillow, he was out cold. Glad he doesn't snore. I turned to her and smiled. There was something I wanted to tell her... But not here. Not now.

"Alex? Are you all right?"

I jumped at the sound of her voice. I hadn't realized it, but I had been staring at her. I had no idea that I made her feel uncomfortable. Did I make her feel uncomfortable? Did I make her feel anything?

"Sorry, sorry. I guess I kind of nodded off, huh?"

She smiled. "Yeah. I guess. So, you feel like getting some sleep? I mean, I was going to turn down the lights, if"-

"Um, yeah, probably." I felt so nervous, but why?

"...Are you gonna?" I ask.

"Yes."

"Oh." Wanted to tell her, needed to tell her, I couldn't tell her, I shouldn't tell her. The words pounded in my head like a drum.

But that was all she said. Turned down the lights and went in the other room to change. I smiled provocatively. She hadn't closed the door...

I lay on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. It was so hard to sleep! It almost made me angry. Everything was so cold, even the bed itself. I wasn't helping myself keep warm either, preferring my underwear to thick pajamas. I closed my eyes. Oh, come on, Alex. You can get to sleep.

Just think warm thoughts...Hmph.

Just like A.D. Skinner told you to. Oh well. Compared to that nothing was as cold. I tried to envision something warm, anything that would keep my heart beating. A fire, maybe. Yes, that's it. A big fire. Large and imposing, ready to envelop me in its' radiant warmth. I drift off, slowly. Sinking deeper into my unconscious mind. Suddenly, I find myself in a very different place... in the Syndicate office. It's dark in here. Walking, waiting for someone.

I see myself in the mirror. Me? So young though. I'm in a suit. Hair slicked and longer than it is now. I'm studying myself, my reflection. What am I looking for? Quickly now, the room shifts. Colder, darker. The scent of smoke. He's here. He looks me up and down. "I was watching you today, Alex."

"You were?" It was a voice I didn't recognize at first, but I knew it was my own. The tone of it... Was I eager? Eager for his praise?

"Yes. I watched you and Agent Mulder. What were you thinking?"

"I...wh..what?"

His tone turned maliciously black. You had an opportunity back there. Why didn't you take it?"

"I'm sorry, sir. I just thought-"

"No, you didn't think. "You were too careless today, Alex."

"I can make it up, I swear!"

"NO! I will tolerate nothing less than perfection from all of my underlings, do you understand me?!"

"Yes, yes s-s-sir. I understand."

"Oh, I don't think you do. Maybe I need to teach you!"

Knocked me down. Kicked me. Heel in my back. Kneed-in-my-stomach-kicked-in-head-over-and-over-and-over-till-vision-blurry-screaming! As I lay on the floor, staring up at him. He showed no remorse. I bit back a cry of pain.

A tear falls from my eye.

He turns, then comes back around. I'm scared...scared then he kneels. He kneels down and whispers in my ear.

"You are going to remember this the rest of your life, Alex. You will remember me, and fear me. Always know this."

He grabs my neck. Squeezes me, s-q-u-e-e-z-e-s m-e u-n-t-i-l I s-e-e r-e-d.

"Stop, st-op, please..."

He loosens his grip on my neck, lowers me just enough so that he can see my eyes. He looks down at me in disgust, then flings me to the side like a rag doll, hitting my head against the wall.

And then he leaves. Just as calmly as he had come in. Leaving me battered on the floor.

A drop of blood falls from my eye.

And then I wake up.

"Alex, dammit! When are you getting out of the bathroom? We need to get out of here!"

They're growing impatient. Too bad though. I look up at my reflection; my eyes still red. I can't let them see me like this. I can't show this kind of weakness. Not right before a hit. I take a deep breath. God, Alex! Get a hold of yourself! I mean look at you, you're a mess! Let it go, ok? Just let it all go. It's in the past. Anyway, you can just blame the eyes on not getting enough sleep... After all, it is four a.m. I'm ready. I walk out of the bathroom, trying to pretend I hadn't been silently crying in there for the past half hour.

Damien looked me over. "Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, I'm all right. Everything's set up?"

"Locked an' loaded."

"Right. Let's do this."

The guy's house was pretty well hidden out here. He decided it best to live in the woods, close enough to town so that he could get what he needed, yet far enough away to stay out of trouble. We surrounded his house, being careful to park the car down the road. Having to hike a short ways up a hill is better than driving all the way and risking detection. The area was densely wooded, the leaves from the trees strewn across the ground in silvery, dark heaps. This would definitely be a problem. The walkway was clear...no, that's too obvious. I guess we just had to find another way. But we were wasting valuable time. I finally made a decision.

"I'm going in."

She turned to me, interested. "How?"

"Through the window. I see one open, near... Near the bedroom."

"Too close! He'll hear you, Alex."

"No. I've been this close to a target before. I can do this, trust me."

"Trust you? I don't know..."

"Then I don't care. I'm doing this whether you agree or not."

Her face turned grim. "Fine. I'll be waiting on the other side for you. But if you don't make it-"

"I'll make it. Don't worry about me." I winked at her and grinned. "When have I ever let you down?"

Carefully, I sneaked over to the bedroom window. The warm scent of a cooked meal drifted into my nostrils as I peeked inside. A soft light delicately illuminated the room...candlelight. I lifted myself up onto the window frame, and then gingerly lowered myself onto the floor. Looked down the hall to the front window. She was there, waiting patiently.

Good, good. This'll all be over quick. Like a shadow, I slip quietly closer to the bed. I hover over him. The man is tall, broad shouldered, with slightly grayed chestnut hair. His face has soft, kind features, and at one time he may have been quite handsome. Not exactly Syndicate material in my opinion. But there was something else, something about his face... He reminded me of someone. I kneeled down, leaning in closer. I could hear his breathing. Quiet and even, obviously in deep sleep. The corners of his mouth were turned up slightly, suggesting a hidden smile. He kept reminding me of someone, someone I used to know... But who? Who was he? Suddenly, the man shifted, turning fitfully in his sleep. I slinked back to the shadows, away from the reach of candlelight. What the hell was taking me so long? I should've done it a long time ago. But I couldn't get it off my mind. And then it hit. Like a wave, a wave of remembrance. It was a place I hadn't thought of in a long while.

Men. Soldiers. All lined up in a row... Just like the toys I used to play with as a child. The men were stern, held firmly at attention. I see a young boy walk past them. He is led by a large man, holding his hand just a little too tightly. The boy... The boy is me. I am placed next to another man, standing farther in front of the soldiers. He's... Trebimir! Oh God, it's Trebi!!! He looks down at me, pity in his endlessly brown eyes. He speaks to me in Russian, as he always has.

"I am sorry, Alex. I am forever sorry... For what I must do."

"Fire!"

One, two, three. The shots are fired. One, a tall man with chestnut hair falls. Two, a woman with strawberry blonde hair is struck in the stomach. Three, in the head and she falls.

"NO! Mama, Papa!"

The boy runs to his stricken parents, only to be held back by the soldiers.

"Please! Let...let me go! Argh, I want to get through! Please!!"

With a swift cuff to the head, the boy is silenced. He is lifted up by one of the men.

Trebi... dear Trebi, what will you do?

"Leave him with me. I am his caretaker now." Gently, he lifts me up into his arms. With hazy vision, I scan the field. They're taking them...oh mama, papa... How could they? Why did they do it? I couldn't even begin to understand. Wait. Wait... Who is that? Who is that man on the field? He is talking to the men. He points at me, points to my father... He is arguing with the soldiers. They nod, then take my former parents away with them. He stares at me coldly. He shows no remorse. He lights a cigarette.

No...

I snap out of my flashback. It couldn't have been! After all this time, after all I went through... To have that bastard be the cause of it. I couldn't believe it. It almost made me nauseous thinking of it. I backed up slowly, hitting the wall with my back and sliding down. No. No, no, no, no.

I understood it perfectly now. It wasn't Trebi's fault. He was ordered to. The old man had ordered the execution. He stood by and watched it happen, and then he swooped in like a vulture after a kill. He had planned everything. He only had to wait. Then, when I was older, he took me in. He knew I was still naive, but he didn't care. I obeyed him faithfully, doing everything he wished...until I found out the Syndicate's dirty little secret. I wanted to leave, to get out as fast as I could. But it was too late. For some reason, I was too precious to lose. So he beat me down. He bent my will steadily until it broke. He wanted me afraid, so I wouldn't try and run away. But I learned how to evade him, to operate right under his nose. It was my only freedom, my only way of revenge. I didn't realize it until now. He did it. He is the one true cause of all my suffering.

And now, to kill for a killer... I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I looked up again at my "target". He had slept soundly the entire time. No idea how close to death he had just come. No, I couldn't bear to do it. But maybe I could find what we were looking for. I quietly rummaged around in files, d esks, anywhere he would keep something important. Then, I found it. A tiny glass vial. The vaccine?

No, wait. There's stuff floating in it. Huh. Whatever. It looks pretty important. I clasp the vial tightly in my hand and turn to the sleeping man. My father...he reminded me so much of him. If only my father were as at peace with the world as he was. Better go. It didn't matter much if he woke up now, so I ran quickly out the door, into the night.

She stared at me, incredulous look on her face.

"I didn't hear a gunshot."

Damien slid in beside her. He too stared at me, curious. He was about to speak, but one hard look from me shut him up quick.

Looking back at her, pain in my eyes. "I...I just couldn't do it...."

She knew me far too well. She knew, she knew that I could've. But why didn't I? Only I knew, and I was going to keep it that way.

"It's all right, Alex. I understand. They don't need to know, and they won't check up on a job you did. They will suspect nothing."

She didn't understand. She never will. But she had a point. They wouldn't check.

Still, that man would never be safe. They will always haunt him, they will always take and take, and when they use him up, and break him down, they will always search for more. It will never end.

I shook my head. No, it wouldn't ever end. Even after what was to come.

The Smoking Man had sent for us. The job was done; the (presumed) mess was cleaned, erased from memory. We had no other task, and so we returned home.

I lay on the floor of my apartment, and stared blankly into space. Mulling in my mind what had just happened to me. The experience...so surreal. This whole thing, was it really all a dream? What if what happened was reality, and my life all a dream? I actually laughed aloud.

Alex Krycek, philosopher? No way!

Still, it hovered above me. The task left undone. I didn't want to, and at the same time I did. Would I always be so torn? Not if I did this. But what if I did? Well, then he would kill me. Then again, he would kill me anyway. Did it matter? If the weight on my chest was lifted, would it send a sword plunging to my heart? Yes. No. Yes. No.

I closed my eyes. Got up, put on my jacket, and walked out into the rain.

The old man was sitting alone in his office. I swallowed hard. Here goes everything.

As I walked in grim faced, he looked up inquisitively. Like he had been expecting me, almost. Had he? Did he have those powers?

"Alex?"

I blinked nervously. And then....an image appeared before me. A specter. The image of my father. The man who killed him behind, as he once was before.

One. Two. Three.

And then I was calm. Confident. I knew what had to be said.

"Sir, I am here for a request."

"Yes?"

"Release."

He stared at me, wide eyed in amazement. He had never witnessed anything like this before, had he? Did he think I was a fool? Suicidal, even?

"Release? From duty, you mean."

Release from duty, release from pain, release from this nightmare dream I lived.

"...y..e..s..."

I felt like crying. I knew what was to come. I was so scared of him...

Suddenly, he stood. I cringed slightly, preparing for a blow. Instead, he simply spoke.

"Alex... I know what you want, and this is not it. You know you can't leave. You knew when you signed on that dotted line. I know... I have felt the same way."

What? Was he being serious? This devil...this beast...had feelings?

"I didn't know, sir."

"No, no one does." He sighed, "I would've liked to have you as an underling, Alex. But it was not to be. You were too strong, your will too stubborn to break. And you were...you are...far too precious to us."

But why?

I dropped to my knees, trying to comprehend what I was witnessing. He knelt down in front of me, his aged eyes gazing deep into me, probing my very soul.

I looked up at him, whispering quietly, "What do I want?"

He lifted my chin with his finger.

"*Grace...*"