I Was Drugged!

Mulder was sprawled out on his leather couch, the lights off and TV on quietly. His eyes were fixed on the TV screen intently, for he was watching one of his...less tasteful videos. Hey, what's a guy with no social life to do?

A knock at the door made him come out of his trance and scrabble for the remote. He quickly flipped the lights back on shut the video off, while zipping his jeans back up.

"Be right there." Mulder said, tripping over a book that was lying on the floor. He slid into the kitchen table and jammed his hip on the corner of it.

"Shit!" He grumbled, holding his side and limping to the door. He didn't even bother looking out the peep hole or asking who it was. Instead, he opened the door, just in time to have a heavy body fall into him.

"Muuulder..." Came a raspy moan. It was...Krycek?

Mulder jumped back and let Krycek fall on the kitchen floor with a *thud*.

"Krycek, what in the hell?" He started, but saw that something very wrong with him.

"...Drugged..." Krycek mumbled with closed eyes before he passed out.

Mulder stood and stared at him for moment, and than closed his apartment door.

What the hell was he supposed to do *now*?

Mulder felt for a pulse, and got one. Oh joy. Too bad the rat bastard hadn't croaked right there. Mulder sat on a kitchen chair and looked down at Alex Krycek, who was lying motionless on the hard floor.

Okay, so what was wrong with him? He was drugged? Or had he been taking drugs? Who knows. Why had he come to Mulder? For safety? This made Mulder laugh, for Krycek knew full well that he would have the crap beaten out of him every time they met up. He must have been given some heavy shit...

Mulder let out a sigh and rubbed his eyes in tiredness. So what was he going to do? Haul him into jail? Call the paramedics?

Hell no, he was going to get some answers out of him when he woke up, and *than*...*maybe*, he'd do one of the choices above.

What if he died?

Than Mulder would have a dead body in his house...not good.

Oh well, he'd take his chances.

Mulder sat there for a few minutes, pondering if whether or not he should call Scully...

The thought of drawing on Krycek's face with permanent, black marker suddenly crept unconsciously into Mulder's mind, making him smile a little.

Realizing that was rather...childish, too say the least, he got up and drug Krycek into the living room. With a *plop*, Krycek fell onto Mulder's couch. Krycek's face looked so peaceful in sleep...well, it was more like comatose. Unlike the usual, ravenous look the killer had, his features were not tensed but at ease.

Mulder found himself wondering...

'Why can't I be that good-looking? This man is a liar and a murderer and yet he is near perfect in features. I, on the other hand, am hard-working, caring, and honest, and what do *I* get? A huge nose, big ears, and an overbite that makes me drool once in a while. God works in funny ways, that's for sure.'

Mulder instantly shunned any thoughts of envy over Alex Krycek.

Mulder was about to sit down on his desk chair, when he had a much better idea. Okay, so it was incredibly childish and stupid, but what the hell. Who would ever know?

He went into the kitchen and opened his "junk drawer". He slowly pulled out a black marker. A big, black, permanent, shiny marker.

Mulder grinned naughtily.

Revenge is so sweet.

Creeping over to the lump on the couch that was called Krycek, he smiled and stifled a laugh. First, Mulder removed Krycek's gun from his holster, and than set to work.

Hmm...that perfect little nose of his needed some decorating.

Squeak squeak squeak.

The marker made a soft noise as he drew.

Squeak squeak.

A shiny, black nose.

Squeeeak squeeeak squeeeeak.

Whiskers.

Pit pit pit.

Big, black dots above his lip.

Squeeeak....Squeeeeak.

A unibrow.

Hmmmm....something was missing....Ah, yes. Krycek's perfect forehead needed something....

Squeeeak Squeeeak Squeeeak.

The letters G-A-Y were now in huge, bold print upon Alex Krycek's shiny forehead. Mulder sat back in his chair, satisfied with his immature accomplishment. He poked Krycek with his foot, just to make sure he was out cold. And he was.

Mulder got up and stretched, deciding to take a quick shower. Krycek would most likely be out for a few more hours...but he'd better handcuff him just in case. Mulder searched for his pair of handcuffs, but they were no where to be found in that messy excuse for an apartment.

Ah well, it was doubtful that he'd wake up any time soon.

Mulder walked into the bathroom and got into the shower, cursing to himself because something seemed to be wrong with the water heater. Well, he could use a nice cold shower after watching those videos, anyway.

Only ten minutes had passed by when the sudden blaring of loud music made him jump out of skin and slip in the shower. He tumbled right out of the shower and went sliding across the floor.

Man, he was gonna feel that in the morning...

He quickly put on a towel and rushed out into the living room, the sound of "Lady Marmalade" nearly making his ear drums burst. Someone had turned his stereo on...

He looked to the couch to see Krycek gone. All that was left were his...clothes?! A thumping sound suddenly came from his bedroom. Mulder ran into the bedroom to find Alex Krycek, jumping on his waterbed, clad only in his underwear. And they were whitey-tighties, mind you. He had a hair brush in his hand that was being used as a microphone and was singing rather loudly to the song, flailing his arms about and jumping like a monkey.

"Creole lady Marmalaaaaaaaaadeeee!!" Krycek's singing voice was like nails on chalkboard.

"Krycek!! KRYCEK!" Mulder yelled, his eyes wide.

Krycek spun around and continued to jump. "MULDEY! There you areeeee! My clothes were eating me so I had to take them off! Come dance with meeee!!" His voice was sing-songy and unlike the usual, whispering raspiness that adorned it.

Mulder stood there for a moment, and than much to his dismay, burst out with laughter. Krycek, with his painted face and white underwear, jumping on a bed like a lunatic, was beyond hilarious. Whatever drug Krycek had him in, was a hallucinogen, that's for sure. Mulder was doubled over with laughter, when he suddenly heard a loud knocking over the music.

"MULDER!! ARE YOU IN THERE!?" came Scully's voice.

Oh no...oh dear God...no...

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Mulder flew to the radio and clicked it off and threw Krycek's clothes in his room.

"Be right there Scully!" He yelled shakily and ran to the bathroom to throw on his clothes.

He than pulled Krycek off the bed and shook him by the shoulders.

"Listen to me, Krycek. FOCUS! Do NOT make a peep, do you hear me? Not ONE PEEP, or I will kill you, do you understand?" Mulder said harshly.

Krycek quieted for a moment, looking right into Mulder's eyes.

Than, "You're no fun!!" Krycek bounded out of his grasp.

"Okay! Krycek, listen!! We're gonna play a game. It's called be as quiet as you can, okay?? I'm gonna close the door, and don't make a PEEP until I come in and find you." Mulder's heart was pounding.

Alex Krycek considered this for a moment. "Okkkaaayyy!! Fun game! Noooo peep." He pretended to zip his lips shut and tiptoed toward the closet.

Mulder rushed to the door, closing the bedroom one behind him.

"Scully! Hi!" Mulder said nonchalantly.

"Mulder...why was the music so loud? I could hear it down the hallway!" Scully arched a brow.

"I was in the shower, and I decided to have some music on...Ya know, jam out!" Mulder smiled unconvincingly.

Scully made a small laugh. "Well, I just stopped by because I have some information on this case we're working on...can I come in?"

Mulder swallowed. "It's messy...actually..."

Scully had already let herself in.

"Is something wrong?" She asked him, crossing her arms.

"Wrong? No, nothing's wrong. I'm just-" Mulder didn't have time to finish.

"PEEP! PEEP! PEEP!" Came a giggling voice from Mulder's bedroom.

Scully's eyes went wide. "Mulder, do you have someone over?"

"Um...no...well, yes. He just...he came here a little while ago...passed out...uh, drugged I think....I didn't..." Mulder rambled on while Scully walked toward his room.

She pushed the door open, only to see Alex Krycek standing on Mulder's dresser...in his underwear and donned with a markered-up face.

Scully's jaw fell to the floor.

"Scully...this is *not* was it looks like...." Mulder ran over to her.

"Mulder...I...I don't even know *what* this looks like. Why don't you explain to me...." Scully started, but Krycek came bounding over to her.

"Ooooh pretty Scully. Alex dance with Scully." And with that, he took her in his arms and spun her around the bedroom floor, singing as he did so.

Mulder grabbed her away from him and slammed the bedroom door, leaving Krycek in the room alone.

"Mulder..." Scully looked to him, trying to stifle her laughter.

"Okay, he came to my door about an hour ago, and he passed out. So I put him on the couch. I didn't want to call anyone....because I thought I might get some information out of him when he woke up. And than..."

"Who drew on his face?" Scully eyed Mulder.

Mulder looked at the ground and mumbled something incoherently.

"Mulder...*you* drew on him? ...Are you alright?" She had a smile of disbelief on her face.

"Never mind that...anyway, I went to take a shower, and when I came out...well, you saw him." Mulder looked to her.

"Okay...so he was drugged by someone? Obviously it's causing hallucinations and erratic behavior..." Scully replied. "We need to take him to a doctor."

"You're a doctor."

"Mulder, no."

"Come on Scully, when he snaps out of this, I am getting some answers from him. Just check him out, and if you don't think he's going to be alright, we'll take the bastard into the hospital, okay?"

Scully sighed, "Alright, Mulder."

Mulder looked satisfied. He got up and opened his bedroom door...and got hit in the face with a pair of underwear.

Scully came into the doorway and stared, wide eyed and gaping at Krycek in his birthday suit.

"I'm freeeee! I'm freeeee!" Krycek cheered, galloping around the room.

"Oh Jesus..." Mulder looked away from the naked Krycek. He than turned to the gaping Scully.

"SCULLY!" He reached over and covered her eyes, and threw the underwear back at Krycek.

"Put those on before I shoot you!" He yelled, pulling Scully out of the room.

Krycek came out of the room in a few minutes, not wearing his clothes, but a pair of Mulder's silk, black boxers and a business coat. And don't forget the tie he had around his head.

"Alex looks pretty." Krycek chimed happily.

Scully could no longer contain her professional, calm visage. She put her hands to her mouth to stifle her laughter, her face turning crimson.

Krycek clapped his hands. "Alex is funny!" He bounded over to Mulder and planted a wet, sloppy kiss right on Mulder's lips.

Mulder fell backward in his chair as he scrambled to get away from the crazed man. This made Scully roar with laughter.

"Scully, a little help here!" Mulder yelped.

She got up and tried to control her laughter. Reaching for her handcuffs, she cuffed one of Krycek's wrists, and than pulled him to the couch. She cuffed the other end onto the leg of the desk that was next to the couch, and took Krycek by the shoulders.

"Listen to me, Krycek. You need to *calm down*. Can you do that?" Scully spoke seriously now.

Krycek stopped moving and looked to her. "Calm. Calllm. Caaaalllmmm. That's a funny word!"

Scully sighed. "Mulder, hand me a flashlight."

Mulder took one out of his desk drawer and tossed it to her. "Here ya go."

Scully held Krycek still and shone the flashlight in his eyes.

"OW! I'm blind! Stop!" Krycek wailed.

Scully backed away. "Okay, his eyes aren't dilated..." She than took his pulse.

Krycek suddenly grabbed her and pulled her on top of him, and started smothering her with kisses.

Mulder yelled out and pulled her away, and brought his fist up to punch Krycek. But Scully caught his arm.

"MULDER! He's drugged, he has no idea what he's doing." Scully said, pulling Mulder away.

Mulder made a grumble and sat back in his chair.

"His pulse isn't thready...he seems to be alright. Make him some coffee. The caffeine might help kick it out of his system." Scully turned to Mulder.

"I'm a little tea pot, short and stout...." Krycek sang as Mulder and Scully walked into the kitchen.

"Mulder, what are you planning to when he's normal again?"

"Get him to answer my questions. And kill him, maybe, I don't know."

Scully tilted her head and gave him a sharp look.

"Okay, fine. I won't ask him any questions..."

"Mulder!"

Mulder laughed. "Relax, Scully. I won't kill him. Because I know you wouldn't want that....after all, you shot me in the arm one time just to keep me from killing him."

"What are you implying, Mulder? I did that to protect *you*. And that was years ago!" Scully crossed her arms.

"Yea well...I saw the way you looked at him before." Mulder spouted.

"What? Okay, so he's good looking but I still hate-"

"HA! See! You think he's hot!"

"Mulder, the kind of person he is takes away from his looks, so, no, I don't."

"Whatever."

"Mulder, *YOU* are the one that *LOOKS* at him...whenever we meet up with Alex Krycek, you act as if you're in a daze! And they way you two look at each other, makes me wonder..."

"WHAT? You think I'm *gay*?"

"Mulder, no, that's not what I said. Listen to us, this is silly!" Scully said.

"You're right....." Mulder replied, adding quietly. "You think he's better looking than I am?"

Scully sighed. "...No."

"Liar! I've studied behavioral patterns all my life and you are *lying*!" Mulder quipped.

Scully looked away, turning a little red. "Mulder, it's midnight...it's late...let's stop this now."

"Fine." Mulder went into the living room and handed Krycek a cup of coffee. "Drink this."

Krycek smiled and took it. And than cried out in pain when he burnt his tongue. "HOT!"

"Shut *up*." Mulder sighed.

Krycek ignored this and went off on a new topic. "Guess what? The aliens are coming. They're going to take over the world and kill us all! They're not nice." Krycek made a pouting face. Than, "I have to go potty."

Mulder sighed, and uncuffed Krycek. "Hurry up."

Krycek skipped into the bathroom and closed the door. After a few moments, he came back out, having forgot to pull his pants up.

"Oh, for god's sake!" Mulder moaned.

"Oops!" Krycek giggled and pulled them back up.

Scully handcuffed Krycek again, and turned to Mulder.

"I'm going to use the bathroom." She said. She quickly came back out of bathroom, her hands over her mouth to keep from laughing again. "Krycek didn't use the toilet."

"What do you mean?" Mulder arched a brow.

"I mean he went in your bathtub."

"Jesus Christ! I'm gonna kill you Krycek.."

"Mulder! Remember, he's drugged. He has no idea what he's-" Scully started.

"Doing. Yeah yeah." Mulder mumbled and sat back in his chair, as Krycek stared into his fish tank and tapped on the glass, trying to scare the fish.

Nearly three hours later, Krycek was passed out again. Mulder and Scully were struggling to keep their eyes open.

"Mulder...I'm tired..." Scully closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair.

"I won't fall..." Mulder's last word was going to be asleep...but that's just what he was.

At around 4:00 AM, Alex Krycek awoke with a start. He opened his eyes and saw Mulder and Scully...sleeping on chairs? In Mulder's apartment...

Krycek smiled. He must be having another dream with them in it...he had those alot....

HOLY SHIT!

This was no dream...he was wide awake...and in boxers and a suit coat? HANDCUFFED?

Oh lord, what had they done to him? How did he get there?

He must have went to Mulder's house and...man, he felt like an idiot. Was he drugged?

Krycek spied the key to the handcuffs on the desk. That was pretty careless of them to leave it there. Some FBI agents these two are. He strained to reach it, trying to be as quiet as possible. With success, he grabbed the key and clicked open the cuff around his wrist.

A smile came across his face as he stood up. He quietly cuffed Mulder and Scully's ankles together. He than left a small note on the couch which read,

"I was drugged! ~AK."

Krycek wondered why people were staring at him as he drove in his car. He wondered why the First Elder's jaw dropped when he entered the building.

He walked up to Cancer Man and frowned. "I was drugged by someone...I don't remember who, but I wasn't able to do the errand you asked of me....what are you staring at?"

Cancer Man's face began to move oddly...the wrinkles by his mouth began to twitch...his face seemed to literally crack. And Old Smokey burst out with laughter. The cigarette flew out of his mouth and landed at Krycek's feet.

"What in the hell is the matter with-" Krycek suddenly caught a glimpse of his reflection in a mirror nearby.

"...Holy shit...I am gonna kill him..." Krycek turned beet red and ran to the bathroom, and began scrubbing his face with soap and water. With no luck what so ever. "SHIT!"

CSM along with the other stone faced members of the Syndicate were nearly having heart attacks from laughter.

Mulder and Scully awoke at the same time, to see Ratboy gone from his spot on the couch.

"Oh, shit." They both leaped to their feet.

*THUMPITY THUMP!*

And got about two inches before falling on top of one another.

"DAMMIT!" Mulder said and picked up the note. He read it and tossed it to Scully.

Scully's frown suddenly turned into a grin. "Was that permanent marker you drew on him with?"

Mulder only smiled.