A Little Money On The Side

FBI Headquarters, Washington, DC
5:30 P.M.

"Hey, Scully," Mulder said as she was packing up her suitcase to go home. "Sorry about the boring day. Want to go out tonight?"

<Boring days are an enjoyable rarity, working around you, Mulder.> Scully thought but didn't say. <But sure, why not. Beats reruns of "Law and Order".> "Sure." She found herself saying.

The Gold Medallion Ladies' Club, Somewhere in Georgetown
6:02 P.M.

"Mulder, why have you brought me here?"

Mulder whispered huskily in her ear. "Oh, you'll like it here Scully. I hear the guys here have such tight buns."

Scully stared at him in open-mouthed astonishment, and then, against her better judgement, followed him in the door anyway.

6:09 P.M.

Mulder led her to the table. She sat down as he ordered a beer for both of them. She picked up the laminated card on their table, which showed the schedule for that night.

<"Christmas in July" at 6:30?!?> Meanwhile, two tables down....

6:11 P.M.

The group of girls at table four studied the laminated card with interest. Sharon and Michelle smiled in wicked anticipation as they fingered the large wads of bills in their purses. The waiter approached their table with slight caution. "What'll it be ladies?"

"How about Stoli all around." said Sharon, her blue eyes sparkling brightly.

"Vodka Collins for me." said Heather. "What did Amber want? Where is she anyway?"

"She went to the ladies' room, I think." said Naina.

"Well, um, she 's been gone for fifteen minutes...."

Meanwhile, backstage....

6:15 P.M.

"We're on in fifteen minutes." said Walter Skinner as he closed the dressing room door, his gorgeous muscles rippling under the glittering little red dress.

"Oh, I love this new concealer," said Jeffrey Spender as he rubbed it over the grotesque bullet hole scar.

Ringo Langly dug through his makeup case. "Hey, who's got my mascara? And where's my pretty red barrette? I can't go on stage without my pretty red barrette!"

Melvin Frohike found Langly's barrette by the sink and tossed it to him. "Where's Alex?"

"Here I am." said Alex Krycek coming in, panting, sweaty, and very out of breath. Meanwhile, back in front....

6:20 P.M.

The girls at the table watched as Amber came back and fell into her chair, exhausted but smiling ecstatically.

"Where on earth have you been?" the others asked.

"Oh, just went off to powder my nose." she said with a sigh and a wink.

6:25 P.M.

"Mulder, are you aware that this is a male stripper club?" Scully asked.

"Yeah, Scully. What's wrong? You look a little shocked."

"Oh, nothing." she said, burying her face in her hands in resignation.

6:30 P.M.

The entire club suddenly went silent as the lights dimmed and the curtain went up. Five boxes, wrapped in shiny green paper and sporting five big shiny red satin bows glowed under five bright spotlights.

Then the boxes popped open and the entire place went crazy....

Alex Krycek naturally turned toward the table that was screaming at him in Russian.

"Razden'sya, Razdensya!(Strip, strip!)" shrieked Heather, the sweat dripping down her body.

Alex grinned, ran off the stage and across the floor, executed a perfect back flip, and landed directly in the middle of the table. "The things you learn being a seven-year fugitive." he purred sweetly, pulling up his little skirt and showing off his considerable assets, not at all hidden by the the tiny sparkling red G-string.

J.C Sun blinked and loudly moaned. "Bozhe moi, kurita mozu trebku!" (My god, your thing is so big!)

Sharon's blue eyes glowed wickedly as she withdrew a thick wad of green. "Honey, you better put that thing away before you get us all killed."

Alex plucked the money from her hand, ran it through her long blonde hair, ran his tongue over it slowly, then stuffed it in the already bursting G-string.

He then jumped as Michelle's hand slid a wad of hundreds through the back side of his spandex underwear. He reached back and took the money, then grasped her hand and ran her fingers in and out of his mouth.

Jasmin shrieked, her warm cheeks glowing as red as apples, her hands outstretched. Alex grasped them and pulled her up and against him. She threw her head back and bared her teeth as he ground his pelvis into hers. He twirled the estatic woman around and set her back down in her chair. She closed her eyes and moaned in a sweet trill.

"See you around, ladies." he murmered in his deep mysterious voice, then hopped off the table and went back on stage.

Suddenly there was a commotion at the front door, and the attention jerked off the stage for a millisecond as a woman entered in what looked like the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat accompanied by a very drunk Homer Simpson, who immediately stormed to the stage and threw his pants at Walter Skinner, whom he then knocked off stage.

"You think you're the only sexy bald man on FOX Sunday night?" he slurred. The ex-marine answered in the affirmative and slugged him.

"Oh Lizzie, you damned troublemaker." Amber shouted at the woman and then let out a shriek as someone threw half a pitcher of beer at her.

Not to be outdone, Jeffrey Spender cheerfully yanked Alex Krycek back by the skirt of his little red dress. Alex whirled and caught Spender in a vise grip just as Mulder came running to the rescue, knocking Langly off the stage and breaking his glasses. "Maybe I'd do better in stand up comedy." he mused, rubbing his bruised shin.

Back at table four, the girls cheered. Sara shrieked, "Group sex, bondage! C'mon, pop the weasel!" just before she was knocked out with an empty Stoli bottle and stuffed under the table.

And the fight was on....

Frohike paid no attention to any of this. His eyes were on Scully as he flexed his muscles.

Scully gulped down the rest of her beer and ordered another. She planned on getting very very drunk, very very fast.

One Hour Later

The women had left, the floor was covered with spilled beer, and the men had retired to the dressing room to count their tips and bandage their wounds. Then they all got dressed and slowly trickled out the door until only Krycek was left. As he reached for his boots, he found a perfume-soaked envelope on top of them.

He opened it. Inside was a check, made out for one million dollars and not signed. He looked up and spotted Michelle in the doorway, smiling.

"What is this for?" he asked her.

"Well, I'll sign it if you'll be my slave for a month." she laughed sweetly and popped the cork on a bottle of champagne. She poured two glasses and handed him one.

"What an interesting proposition." he purred as their glasses clinked.