The One Important Question

As the doors slid shut, Alex eyed the spike-haired young man who was currently grinning at him from the other side of the elevator. He'd said his name was Evil. Okay, technically his name was SCOTT Evil, but come on. It had to be one he'd picked out himself for effect, right? Still... That was a truly sly, wicked gleam in his eyes, and Alex felt himself warming to the boy immediately. He got the feeling that THIS was someone he could relate to. Someone devious.

Scott crossed his arms and his ankles, leaning back against the wall, studying the older man. FBI he might be, but there was something about him that made Scott think he'd be the sort of recruit Dad would drool over, and not for the obvious physical reasons that were kicking SCOTT'S salivary glands into gear. There was a hint of ruthless intelligence behind that bland, nine-out-of-ten-dentists- recommend toothpaste smile. Plus, that crappy suit and stiff haircut couldn't cover up a truly dangerous glint in his eyes. That glint made Scott think that any dentist this guy DID patronize had better be DAMN careful with the drill, unless he wanted to find it shoved somewhere very uncomfortable. The intelligence factor made it almost a given that Dad would never get this guy into the Virtucon fold. He'd be too damn smart to hook up with such a loser endeavor. Then again, the FBI wasn't exactly the land of opportunity, either, so Scott had to figure that this guy was biding his time there, waiting for bigger, and sneakier, things.

Scott cocked his head. "You're not what you seem."

Those green eyes went mint ice-cream cold, even though the smile never wavered. "What makes you say that?"

Scott shrugged. "Don't go makin' snuff plans for me, dude. It's nothin' to me if you're bogus. And I know because, hey. I'm Scott Evil. It's in the frickin' genes, man. I can sniff out duplicity easier than Austin can sniff out pussy, an' if you tell my old man I know how to use a word like 'duplicity', I'll clock you."

"I'm not saying I have anything to hide, Scott," Scott snorted. "But if I did... What would it take to get you to keep that luscious mouth of yours closed?"

"That partner of yours is pretty cute."

Alex's brows drew together. "Mulder? Might as well forget it. He's straight." A smile tugged at the corners of Alex's lips. "At least he THINKS he is.Now."

Scott nodded. "Know whatcha mean, dude. It was the same way with Powers. I had to SHOW him he was bi." Scott noticed Alex's expression, and chuckled. "Yeah, no matter what happens, you won't get stuck with a girl."

"That's a relief."

"Yeah, well, you haven't met Austin yet. How do you feel about retro?"

"Fine by me. I dig the eighties."

"Farther back."

"The seventies were cool, too. Disco, Travolta was hot, even if he DID wear polyester..."

"Farther." "Fifties are good, too. James Dean and bad boys with leather jackets and DAs."

"Too far."

Alex winced. "Not the sixties?"

Scott made the peace sign. Alex popped the rod. "Ah. I see that isn't your favorite era. Don't give up on this venture yet. Yeah, Powers is a geek, but..." He smile somehow managed to be sheepish and lascivious at the same time. "I dunno. I guess it must be that freakin' mojo he's always on about. Anyway, I'M gonna be there."

Alex's smile became feral. "I'm beginning to look forward to this."

"Glad to hear it." Scott reached out and fingered Krycek's tie. "You know, that is a SERIOUSLY shitty tie."

"Ever heard of protective coloring? Keep talking, we haven't got too many floors to go."

"Okay, here's the situation. Is it safe to say that you'd like to plant the idea in Mulder's mind that bi is not bad, and that YOU should be first in line when he takes the plunge?"

"That sums it up perfectly. I know the tendency HAS to be there. He worked a long time with that redhead, Scully, and never tried to put the moves on her. Of course, she'd have probably handed him his nuts if he had. I think she has a thing going with some other female Feebe named Starling. Anyway, I'd rather not resort to rape, it might make working together a little difficult."

"No shit, dude. Anyway, I'm, like, TOTALLY pissed with Austin for taking so long to dump that Felicity chick and then springing this swinging thing on me without even ASKING..."

"You don't want to?"

"I didn't SAY that, did I? But he shoulda ASKED. I might have planned to go to the mall, or something. The dork has no consideration for others when his...uh... well, his dork is concerned."

"Okay, we've established what we want, here. You have a plan to go about getting it?"

"Oh, yeah. And believe me, unlike my Dad's doofus plots, THIS will work."

"We're almost there. Tell me."

"Got those handcuffs?" Alex dangled them again. Scott turned away from Krycek, putting his hands behind his back, wrists close together. He tipped his head back to give Alex a cheeky grin. "How do you feel about role playing?"

Alex laughed as he snapped the bracelets around Scott's wrists. "I knew there was a reason I liked you."

"That was your boyfriend?"

Austin almost spilled the martini he was pouring. "Um, no. NO." He laughed nervously. "What an idea! That's not my bag, baby, not my bag at all!"

"Oh. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"Really?" Austin handed Mulder the glass.

"It's just that he seemed too pissed with you to NOT be your boyfriend."

"Yes, well, uh. He is, actually. Sort of. In a manner of speaking. If you can call it that."

"Do you have sex with him?"

Austin squinted his eyes, as if expecting a blow."Yes."

"Then he's your boyfriend. That's cool."

Austin relaxed. "Look, Mulder, I'm sorry my old bird flew the coop. It's very ungroovy, you coming all the way out here and not a bit of crumpet in sight."

Mulder sighed. "That's all right. I'm used to it.Dammit." He looked around the room. "As long as I'm here, do you have any videos?"

"Oh, yeah! Got some smashing vids." Austin began to sort through the boxes stacked next to his television. "Let's see... I've got In Like Flint... Very flattering, him copying me like that, I must say. Alice's Restaurant, all about those fab hippies. Oo, Barbarella. That chic wears some swingin' costumes in this one!"

"Anything sexier?"

Austin's eyebrows did the frug. "Ah, a bit of the naughty stuff, eh?"

"I've been known to watch a few, yeah."

"I've got just the thing. VERY racy." Austin proudly held up a box. "Peyton Place!"

"Uh... I was thinking more along the lines of The Devil in Miss Jones."

"Horror? Hmm... I may have a Hammer film here about. Lovely low necklines on their wenches."

"How about Deep Throat?"

Austin frowned. "I thought that was your informant?"

Mulder blushed. "We're just friends. Austin, do you mean to tell me that with your reputation you don't have ANY porn?"

Austin cleared his throat. "Well, Scott DID have a rather suspicious looking magazine called HUSTLER the other day, but he told me it was about snooker."

"You were snookered, all right. Where is it?"

While Austin was trying to figure out where Scott might have stashed the magazine, there was a brisk knock on the door. Austin went to answer it. Standing outside was an attractive green-eyed bloke who was more or less dangling a sullen Scott from one fist. "Does this belong to you?"

Mulder came up behind Austin, appraised the situation, and said, "Krycek, what the hell are you up to?"

Krycek propelled a scowling Scott into the room. "Just my job, Agent Mulder."

Austin closed the door. "Scott, what's going on, man?"

Krycek's grip on the back of his collar allowed Scott to turn slightly. He showed Austin his cuffed wrists. "What does it look like? I'm busted, dude."

Austin gasped. "But you promised me you wouldn't do drugs! Well, not without me, anyway."

Scott, even though cuffed, managed to give him the finger. "It wasn't drugs, dick-wipe. You don't think I'd risk my stash by bringing it around here, do you? The last time I brought anything, Mini Me hid and watched, then fed the rest of it to Mr. Bigglesworth. Fucking cat thought he was a Mexican Hairless for three days. It was almost worth it to see the look on Dad's face when he humped his leg."

Krycek shook Scott, who yelped in protest. "I caught him making terroristic threats from the public phone booth in the lobby. He was threatening to tear down the Berlin Wall."

Austin gasped, "Oh, wow, Scott! Actually, that would be a blow for democracy, but it's still blackmail. Were you planning on using one of Dr. Evil's evil devices? Does he let you use them on weekends?"

All three of the other men gave Austin looks ranging from pity, through disbelief, to scorn. Mulder said, "Austin, Scott... The Berlin Wall was torn down years ago."

Austin gasped. Scott snorted. "I know that, Coyote."

Mulder frowned. "That's Fox... I mean Mulder."

"Whatever."

"Then why were you threatening to destroy something that no longer existed?"

Scott shrugged. "Seemed like a good idea at the time?"

Krycek said, "You have to take this seriously, Mulder. Apparently he'd gotten hold of a very low level bureaucrat who was so afraid that he hadn't been kept in the loop and had been given the wrong information that he was negotiating."

"How much did you ask for, Scott?" Austin said, curious. "A million, like your old man?"

"Fuck no." Scott said scornfully. "What's the point? With all the electronic security in place these days they could trace or cancel any transaction like that. No, I was asking for practical stuff."

"Like what?" Mulder asked, curious.

"Well," Krycek pursed his lips in thought. Mulder tried not to stare. "I believe he had him up to a case of Doritos..."

"A case of EACH flavor, dude." Scott said proudly.

Krycek continued, "A customized skateboard, a year's supply of Jolt cola, tickets to every play date of the next Alice in Chains tour, a Playstation II..."

"My Dad says I have to keep my crappy Nintendo 64 till they stop making games for it. Asshole."

"A year's subscription to Penthouse," Alex added. Mulder nodded in approval. "...and a case of Heineken Dark."

Austin gasped. "Scott! Bear?!" He made shame-shame motions at him. "That's illegal!"

"Bite me! I'm nineteen."

"Yeah, but alcohol across international lines..."

"I think we have more serious concerns here, Mr. Powers," Krycek interrupted. "On the way up he mentioned something about an evil super genius who plans to take over the world with his goofy sidekick. Now, at first I thought he was talking about Pinky and the Brain, and I wasn't too worried. But then I learned that he meant his father, Dr. Evil, and Number Two."

Scott smirked. "You should be more worried about Pinky. His plans are usually more successful than the lame ass plots my Dad comes up with." "Look, Agent Krycek," said Austin. "Let Scott go. He isn't really Evil. Well, he IS, but only in the sense that his NAME is Evil, he's not BAD evil, you know? He's not wicked."

Scott licked his lips pointedly, and winked at Austin. "That isn't what you said last night when I was..."

"He's just MISUNDERSTOOD!" Austin said hastily.

"I think he's making himself pretty clear." Krycek was watching Scott closely. Scott blew a kiss at him.

"But the boy hasn't a hostile bone in his body." Again the three other men looked at him in disbelief. "Well, he's not VIOLENT."

"Powers," Scott said, his voice as close to patient as it was possible for him to ever get. "I told my Dad to shoot you. I offered to shoot you MYSELF. I told him we could shoot you TOGETHER." He looked at Krycek, "You know, father and son bonding shit." Krycek nodded.

"Scott, that was so long ago. You were young and confused..."

"It was three months ago."

"I don't believe this. Why did you do it?"

"Why does anyone in my generation do something like that?" He suddenly screamed. "NOBODY LOVES ME!" After that shout, Frau Farbissina would never be able to deny he was her son, even if she wanted to. Scott snarled, "My Dad's a megalomaniacal asshole who cares more for his clone and his fucking bald cat than me, I was born in a petri dish, my main male role model for most of my life is named after a bowel movement, and my Mom is a Nazi. I love her, but she played Wagner to put me to sleep and read me Mein Kampf for bedtime stories. And my lover was ready to trade me in for a night with a redheaded, power suit wearing, tight ass FBI midget."

"Sometimes Scully wears pantsuits," Mulder protested.

"This is all very interesting," Krycek's voice was cold. "But this boy is obviously in possession of information that may be vital to our nation's security, and I'm going to get it before we leave this room."

Scott sneered. "Bite me, Feebe."

Krycek jerked Scott up so that they were nose to nose and said softly, "That IS an option."

"Krycek..." Mulder's voice was warning.

"Mulder, either stay out of my way or help me, but I intend to get to the bottom of this..." Krycek reached down and squeezed Scott's ass. "by getting to this bottom."

"Austin!" Scott snapped. "He's feeling me up. Are you gonna let him get away with that?"

Austin appraised Krycek, particularly the bulge under his jacket that indicated a gun. "Well, he IS a federale, baby."

Alex jerked Scott over toward the bed, with the other two men following. "Krycek, look, I appreciate your zeal. I can remember how it was when I discovered MY first conspiracy." Alex had pitched Scott onto the bed. The boy sprawled, legs spread suggestively, pouting at the older man. "Of course, the conspirators weren't nearly that cute..." Now Alex, Scott, and Austin looked at Mulder, who blushed. "I mean young." The blush deepened. "I mean... I mean... uh, inexperienced." Scott giggled. Mulder closed his eyes briefly. "You know what I mean."

"Doesn't matter, Mulder." Krycek took off his jacket and his holster. "It doesn't matter how young and innocent..." He looked at Scott, who bumped his pelvis up. "Make that relatively innocent, he is." Krycek toed off his shoes, removing his shirt. As his smooth, well defined chest and washboard stomach were revealed, Mulder's breath speeded up, and Austin quickly polished his glasses. "It doesn't matter how much he begs..."

Scott rolled his eyes. "I'm begging you."

"...and pleads..."

"Please, please, please."

"...and whimpers..." Alex climbed up on the bed with Scott, crawling over him. Scott whimpered, squirming.

"...and moans." Alex started sucking a hickey on Scott's neck. Scott arched his neck and moaned. loud. Austin and Mulder watched, mouths hanging slightly open. Alex paused to examine the bruise he'd put on Scott's throat. "I'm just going to have to torture him till he tells me everything."

"But Alex, baby..." Mulder gave Austin a sharp look that couldn't be interpreted as anything but jealousy. Austin amended quickly, "Agent Krycek, what could the poor lad possibly tell you?"

"For starters, he could tell me the secret location of his evil father's headquarters." Alex had pulled Scott's T-shirt up and was gently biting his nipples. Scott was beginning to pant.

"You don't have to do that!" Austin wrung his hands. "Just check his driver's license!"

Scott gasped, "Phony ID, you dim bulb."

"HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT!" Austin spluttered.

"I do now." Krycek jerked Scott's jeans down to his knees. "That's one advantage to those butt-ugly baggy jeans."

"Hey!" Scott protested. "Those cost me fifty-five bucks at J.Crew's."

"Well, if you weren't wearing them three sizes too large you wouldn't have tripped on them and I wouldn't have caught you, would I? Shut up."

"I thought you wanted me to talk..."

Krycek shut Scott up by the simple but effective method of shoving his tongue into the boy's mouth. He continued to plunge it in and out as he unzipped his own fly. Mulder blinked. "Krycek, you should stop that. The kid could charge you with sexual molestation."

Alex gave him a hot stare. "Hell, you call THIS molestation? I've hardly made it past the harassment stage yet." He pulled Scott's jockey's down and took a firm grip on the very healthy erection that was revealed. "Now this, this qualifies as molestation." Scott whooped as he bent down and took him into his mouth.

"Scott!" Austin started forward.

Scott panted, "Powers, if you stop him now, I swear to you that you'll WISH those mutated sea bass had eaten your ass!"

Mulder, sweating now, started toward the bed. "Krycek, you gotta stop! I'm senior agent here, and I order you to get off that piece of tail... I mean prisoner."

Krycek let go of Scott's cock with an audible slurp. "Mulder, back off or I'll tell Scully what happened to that pair of panties that disappeared from the laundry she had in her backseat the last time she gave us a lift." Mulder paled. He didn't protest any more, but he didn't back off, either. As a matter of fact, he edged closer to the bed as Krycek pushed down his own pants and underwear, lay down full length on the wiggling Scott, and began to thrust.

"Give it up, punk!" Alex snarled, hips pistonning.

Austin wrung his hand. He was torn with horror, guilt, and horniness that was about to blow the top of his head off. "It's all my fault!" he moaned. "If I hadn't acted so callously Scott wouldn't have felt compelled to act out, and he wouldn't be in this position right now."

Scott had his legs wrapped around Krycek's waist, bucking up to meet him. Krycek panted, "Yeah, Powers, I'll have to send you a thank you card for that."

Mulder's eyes were glazed, and he loosened his tie. "Krycek, if you're getting tired, I could spell you on the interrogation." Austin stared at him. Mulder shrugged, whispering, "I figured, you know, good cop, bad cop? Alex torments him, then I come in to soothe him?"

Austin said, "You mean hurt/comfort?" Mulder nodded. Austin looked thoughtful. "I've heard that term somewhere before."

"Cyber idiot." Scott grunted. He yelped as Alex grabbed his hips and came on his belly in a flurry of short hard strokes, then used his sperm as a lubricant to slick his hand as he finished jerking Scott off. Both of the young men, one whose hair was even spikier than usual, and one whose hair had finally been mussed out of its usual rigid stiffness, lay gasping and spunk smeared.

"Fuck," Mulder whispered, trying to adjust a sizable boner in as discreet a manner as possible. "What have you done, Alex?"

"Scott, sweety, can you forgive me?" Austin whimpered.

"That isn't the important question," Alex said firmly.

"Gotta agree," Scott groaned. "Your question wasn't important, either, Powers."

"No, I think there's only one important question here." Alex continued.

Scott nodded in agreement. "One question that has to be asked." They looked at each other. Alex winked. Scott grinned. Turning to look at a stunned Fox Mulder and Austin Powers they chorused, "Do we make you horny, baby?"