Praying To Die

You've got to love the irony.

I've been known as many things to many people, but there's one thing everyone who has known me would agree on. I was a survivor. It was the one constant in my life. I survived prisons, tortures, and outlived men who claimed to be untouchable. So I can't help but find humor in the way I died. I was shot in the head by a man I'd tormented, with a gun that I gave him for that exact purpose.

When I look back to the events that led me to that death, I find it even more interesting that a large part of it can be attributed to a mere sentence.

"You're going to protect her."

Fox Mulder had just given me the thing he cherished most in the world, and asked for my help. As soon as the shock wore off, I wanted to kill the arrogant bastard for saying those words. If he'd given me a sliver of that kind of trust seven years earlier, how different my life could have been. I might've still had my arm. I might've even still had my soul.

He naturally assumed that I planned on betraying him the second I walked into the FBI building to be his partner. That wasn't the case. I really wanted to be able to work with Mulder, but I was far less patient back then, and far too vain. They knew that when they placed me as his partner. They knew him well enough to know how he'd treat me, and knew enough about me to know how I'd react. They knew if they flattered me, and promised me everything he couldn't give, it would only be a matter of time before I'd rush to their side.

They were right. Seven years ago I sold my soul for the truth and the chance to play hero. I'd been paying for it ever since.

Most tales, of people who sell their soul, are wrong. Make a deal with the devil, and get your life's desire fulfilled until the devil comes to collect. When he does, he takes your soul all at once and it's over. That's not how it works. You get what you are promised, but it's not what you think, and you don't get to hand over your soul right away, ending it quickly. Instead, they make you pay in installments. A few errands here, a few murders there, little by little pieces are given up, and one day you realize you're already in hell.

Now, after all that happened, he trusted me with the only thing he cared about in this world. He actually placed his Achilles heel in my lap. He handed over Scully and told me to protect her. Fuck Mulder, seven years ago you wouldn't even let me drive the car.

For a second, I considered killing her. It would've destroyed him, and a part of me really wanted to see that. Of course it would've been the last thing I saw. He'd have killed me right after.

Once I looked at her, I knew I couldn't do it. She was so frightened and so vulnerable, clutching her belly, as if she could somehow protect her unborn child by covering it. I looked at her, and the realization of what I'd almost done hit me. If I had my way, her baby would be dead. I would've taken that from her, and not for anything noble like saving the planet. I would've killed her baby because of the slim chance it would give us a more time before the inevitable occurred. Would that have been my last payment? They didn't even have to ask for it. I thought that one up all on my own.

I felt ill. I'd always taken comfort in being able to tell myself that I was not as bad as they were. It was a small comfort, but it was at least a comfort. Now, that was gone. I was thinking like them, becoming just like them, and for what? Nothing had been done to prevent colonization. Things were worse now than they'd been before, and there was no hope of stopping it. I hadn't even saved myself. It was at that moment, I made the decision to get out. I tried before, and always failed, but there was one thing I hadn't tried. I 'd thought about it, even had most of the things I needed to accomplish it, but I always chickened out. This time I'd see it through. There's only one way to get out of making payments of your soul once you'd sold it. You had to die.

I got Scully out of the building, and Agent Doggett helped her into the car with that Reyes woman. I told her to drive safely, and was sincere, even though neither of them believed me. I now wanted Scully to have that baby. Partly because I didn't want those assholes to get their way, and partly for my own salvation. If she ended up having the baby successfully, maybe I could buy a little redemption.

When they reached the gate, I thought they were screwed. I recognized the guard, and knew he wasn't human. Although I was relieved to see them get through, I couldn't understand why. If plans had changed, I was not aware of it. I started to get nervous. Maybe, they knew I had helped. One way or another, I was sure I'd find out.

I started to follow Agent Doggett inside, but my cell phone went off. The thing on the other end didn't even wait for me to say hello. As soon as I answered, it told me it would meet me at my hotel room in twenty minutes, and hung up. I always got the creeps when they did that. Years ago, I thought they were just careless. How did they know it would be me answering? The obvious answer was that they were watching, but that's not quite true. They wanted me to know they could always be watching.

"Just a little reminder Alex, we have eyes everywhere, and just in case you decide to screw us, we want you to know that we will find out and make your life hell."

It used to work. Now, I didn't care. My life already was a living hell, and soon it would be over.

When I got back to my hotel room, it was waiting inside. I hated finding them already in my space. I had stuff hidden in there that they couldn't see. Before it became an "it", his name was Knowle Rohrer. They took him because of his connections to Agent Doggett. I wondered if they gave him a choice before they changed him. Did they ask him to betray his friend, and changed him once he said no, or did they just pick him up like a convenience store item, without explaining anything to him? I think the last one is more likely.

I hate those things. They scare me. They scare me more than anything else I'd ever encountered. I don't quite understand how they work. I knew more than most people, but the real disturbing questions were unanswered. I looked at what was once Knowle Rohrer, and started thinking about those questions again.

Was there anything left of the man once they change him? Was a part of Knowle Rohrer still sitting there, or were they merciful enough to let him die completely before using his body? Where's your soul Knowle? Was it trapped there, inside a body that you have no control over, doomed to enslavement forever because now you cannot die?

Then, as if this thing could read my mind, it spoke. "We are very disappointed in you Alex. We were told that you possessed unique talents that would be depreciated if you were replicated. I'm beginning to think we were misled."

I had to be very careful then. One misstep and my death would have come much quicker than I'd originally planned. I'd take my own gun out, and shoot myself in the head before I'd let them turn me into one of those things.

"I'm waiting for you to explain what you thought you were doing last night. You interrupted our plans."

I looked it straight in the eyes." I was doing what I was told."

It almost looked surprised.

"I was told to watch Mulder, and keep an eye on Scully. You didn't tell me that you were going to send one of your own on a head-chopping spree that would end at Scully's apartment. I thought you wanted the baby alive, that you believed it could be useful to you. When I saw your assassin, I though maybe something went wrong with him. I couldn't contact you, so I decided to help them get away. If I was wrong, you guys are certainly powerful enough to find Scully and her baby again, but if I was right, even you can't put a headless infant back together."

For a moment it stared at me, trying to see if I was lying. I stared right back at it. It believed me, or at least it acted like it believed me.

"Billy would not have hurt Dana Scully or her baby. He would have done as he was told. We don't make mistakes. Remember that next time you consider acting on your own."

I had to bite my tongue, and looked away.

"Well, since you have helped them, perhaps we can use that. You will return to the FBI office. Find out what you can. Then you will report back to me here at 6:00 this evening. Are we clear."

At least I knew Skinner and Mulder made it out. I had to stifle a laugh. How could they be so powerful, but so stupid?

"You don't really think they will tell me anything, do you?"

"You better hope you have something Alex. If you are of no use to us like this, we can start looking at other options."

I planned on being dead before they started any of those options. I knew I should've left things at that. It was ready to go, and I really wanted to be rid of that thing, but I thought of Scully clutching her baby.

"You know, I think you could be making a mistake taking the baby away from Agent Scully." Its eyes bulged.

"You believe that this child is special, and for all I know it could be, but even if it is special, you're probably not going to see that until it is older. I mean it's not like the baby will just leap from the womb and start walking on water." I had its interest.

"If the child needs to wait a few years before its gifts develop, you're going to need someone to take care of it until that time comes. Forgive my abruptness, but care giving isn't your kind's strong point. I don't see why you don't just leave the child with its mother, who will take good care of it, and then just keep an eye on the kid. Wait for its specialness or whatever to start showing and then take it."

It stood there for what seemed like forever looking at me. At first I stared back but quickly lowered my eyes. I'd just second-guessed them again. It wasn't the time to show pride. "Just a thought," I added.

It didn't respond. It merely grunted and walked out.

As soon as I saw it drive away, I took a deep sigh, and went to the closet. Inside was a suitcase, thankfully untouched. I unlocked it, took out a gun, and what I like to call my Walter controller. The old man never told anyone about the controller, and I never told them. I took the gun, and checked the bullets. There were four left. I also took out the disguise I kept from the first time I infected Skinner. I placed the controller, the gun, and the disguise in a backpack, and placed the backpack in a paper bag. Everything I needed was there. I could now catch a few hours sleep and still have time do everything I needed to.

I awoke, grateful my resolve hadn't left, got ready, grabbed the paper bag, and headed out.

I ducked into a busy coffee shop, changed, and caught the bus to the airport. I always found riding public transport disturbingly amusing. All these people living their normal lives, ignorant about what was really going on out there.

The original men who started the project believed they were doing the world a favor by keeping the truth under wraps. At first, I agreed. When I found out the whole truth, I was sick for days. It took time to be able to think about it without throwing up. Later I began to doubt their mentality. If mankind was going down, we should at least go down fighting and not just led to slaughter like cattle. I believed that until I realized most of us are like cattle.

If the truth did come out, most people would assume those in charge would take care of things. They'd get up the next morning, go to their jobs, come home, have dinner with their families, and watch a few hours of TV before going to bed. The next morning, they'd get up, and repeat the same routine over and over again, until the knock on the door came, telling them they were being shipped to an alien enslavement camp. Even worse, when that day came, a lot of them would just obey and go, no resistance at all. That's a bitter pill to swallow. The realization that you're fighting for something that no one gives a shit about.

My business at the airport was fairly quick. I placed my Walter controller in a locker, and mailed the key to my hotel. I hesitated before I sent it. Without the controller, I had no real leverage over Skinner. I needed him in order for this to work, but I knew that something could go wrong, and I didn't want those things to get it. When I got back to my hotel, I let the hotel receptionist know I'd be clearing out by the end of the month. I gave her Skinner's address as a forwarding address. If Skinner didn't cooperate, I still had time to intercept the key.

I arrived at Skinner's office, and waited for him to come in. I was about to put my life in the hands of a man who hated me more than anyone else, even more than Mulder, and the only leverage I had for making this deal was probably being sorted at the post office. I was beginning to think I should've just opted on getting a few more hours of sleep instead. I smiled as I thought back to when I was assigned as Mulder's partner. I told him something about the disasters sleep deprivation causes. I guess I could add one more to the list.

Skinner finally came in. As soon as he saw me, I could see his body tense up.

"Where the hell have you been?" His voice even shook when he spoke to me. Had I gone crazy? I was going to trust this man?

I shrugged. "I had things to take care of."

He glared at me. "What are you doing, Krycek? Why show up and help out, when we both know you couldn't care less? We both know you're aligned with the people who are trying to get Scully and her baby. Why? Is this some kind of control trip or something?"

I glared back at him. "You know Walter, you may find this hard to believe but I am not aligned with anyone. More like owned, and as far as control goes, there is very little in my life that I have control over. " I smiled, and added, "except you. I do control you."

"One of these days Krycek, I'm going to get that device of yours, and when I do, I'm going to kill you."

"Funny you should mention that, because I have one last favor to ask you, that could give you exactly what you want."

"What are you talking about?" He was still frowning, but he looked interested.

"Like I said one last favor. Do it and the controller is yours. You can use it to destroy all the bots inside your system. The whole nightmare will be over."

He took a step back and crossed his arms." What do you want?"

I swallowed, and took a deep breath. "I want you to kill me."

He sat down in his chair, staring at me. I took out the gun, and placed it on his desk.

"Within the next couple of days, I'll call you, telling you where to do it. When I do, I want you to go to the place I directed you, take this gun, and shoot me in the head. It must be this same gun, with these same bullets, and it must be the head."

He picked up the gun and asked. "What's so special about this gun?"

"I picked it up at a deep training facility a while ago. They use it for combat training. It was designed with the belief that trainees would be more on guard if they knew the bullets would actually wound. These guns, and bullets, are designed to hurt and draw blood, but they aren't fatal."

"So you don't want me to kill you Krycek, you just want me to shoot you." He paused and said, " Maybe I'll just use my gun and put a real bullet in your head."

I had already accepted that risk, but I wasn't going to let him know. "I wouldn't consider doing that, Walter. Right now I'm the one with the controller. I'm willing to give it to you in exchange for your help, but if anything happens to me, that controller is going to end up in the hands of some very mean individuals. What they'll do with it would make the pain I caused seem like paradise."

He was still not convinced." Why?"

Fuck, what did it matter why? I took another deep breath. "Because I'm tired, and I don't want to do this anymore. Because any rationale I had for my involvement in all this is gone. Because I want out, and the only way I can truly be free of them is if they are certain I am dead."

"Why the head?"

"If you shoot me anywhere else they might think I'm salvageable, and take me to get replicated. A bullet in between the eyes would look like instant death. They won't even bother with the body if they see that."

He kept staring at me, I could tell he was trying to think of more questions but I had wasted enough time, this shouldn't have been that complicated, for him at least. I was the one that had to throw all this together. I leaned over his desk.

"Look Walter, if getting control over your life isn't enough to make you accept this deal, then think about this. These things aren't like the men we used to deal with. They have little use for humans. Why hire a lackey when you can just make your own, one that will never disobey orders, never need medical attention, never get killed on the job? I've managed to keep myself useful for them up to now, but their use for me is fading. When it's gone, they will turn me into one of them, just like Billy Miles. Imagine that for a moment, an Alex Krycek walking around with even less scruples than I have now, and it would be unstoppable."

I think that one got him. He placed the gun in his desk drawer. I was about to ask if we had a deal, but there was a knock at the door and Mulder and Agent Doggett walked in. Mulder was holding a photo.

I was suddenly nervous. Out of habit I backed up. He saw me and said, " Oh good, you're here, DC morgue has just sent over a video feed that you may be able to explain."

The shock threw me off balance. I had to sit down on the couch. Good, you're here? God Mulder, what happened to you when you were abducted? I wanted to look at his neck, but I already knew there were no bumps.

Mulder showed Skinner the picture in his hands. "This is a video grab from the DC morgue. It's Billy Miles."

Skinner and Doggett muttered something about how it couldn't be possible.

Mulder replied, "Yeah. It can't be, but it is. Walking out of the morgue, looking like a new man."

The conversation that followed was almost too predictable, Agent Doggett not believing, Skinner, with his holier than thou attitude, yelling at me, Agent Doggett still not believing. I couldn't believe this was the guy in charge of the X Files. It was far too late in the game to have the luxury of being that naive. The only real surprise was Mulder's lack of hostility.

There was a knock at the door. It was one of those things, the same one that was guarding the gate last night. It asked for Agent Doggett. I wasn't disappointed to see him go.

The room went awkwardly silent. Mulder sat down next to me on the couch, making it more awkward. Again, out of habit, I leaned away from him, but he just looked at me, puzzling. I wasn't sure about what.

"You know a lot about all this don't you?" He asked.

I looked down. "Not really. I'm not exactly what you would call in the loop."

He nodded, "That may be the case, but you still know a lot, more than most." He paused and added, "More than me."

I hoped this wasn't going where I thought it was. I felt him staring at me again. I looked back at him, not sure what to say.

"I need your help, " It was his turn to look down. "I want you to tell me everything you know, all of it. I've wasted enough of my time searching for answers. I need to stop searching for the truth and start doing something about it instead, but I can't do that until I have a lot of the blanks filled in. I believe you can fill in those blanks."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

The men who originated the deal with the aliens made Mulder out to be the chosen one, our last hope in saving humanity from colonization. They spoke about him as if he were mythical. For a long time I bought into that. But I also knew that Mulder had a weakness. He was too clean, and although that helped with the hero myth, it was a severe disadvantage in actually getting anything done. I had none of that kind of weakness. I would do whatever was necessary to get things done. I use to hope that one day, Mulder and I would team up. That I'd give him everything I learned, and he'd used it to fulfill his destiny as savior.

I used to believe in that, in him. I didn't anymore. In the end, these men who made Mulder out to be our savior, didn't even know enough to save themselves from being burned alive, and almost everything I learned during my time with them was worthless. Mulder wasn't our savior. They placed that role on him for their own selfish reasons, so they could sleep better at night. He was just a man who was used and manipulated like the rest of us.

I still didn't know what to say to him, but before I could think of anything, Skinner got up from his desk.

"Have you gone crazy Mulder? Were talking about Alex Krycek."

Mulder stood up. I was glad he wasn't sitting by me anymore.

"I know who he is, but we're talking about Scully and her baby. I need all the information I can get if I'm to have any hope at all at protecting her, and I don't mean just from this situation. I'm talking about the ones that can come after as well."

Skinner glared at me, and looked at Mulder "I am well aware we are talking about Scully and her baby, which is exactly why trusting this man is the last thing you should do. This man is slime. It wasn't too long ago that he wanted her baby dead. If he had his way, Scully would have lost her child and you'd probably be just like Billy Miles right now."

That wasn't true. I would've never let Mulder become one of those things. I was going to test the vaccine on him to see if it worked. If it hadn't, I would have killed him. Scully and Skinner saved him before I got the chance. It actually worked out for the best, since the vaccine turned out to be useless. It was a different virus.

Mulder opened his mouth as if to say more, but stopped. I could see his shoulders slump in defeat. He turned and stared at me for a moment, perhaps deciding if he should say something else. If that was it, he decided against it. He turned away and walked out the side door.

Skinner gave me a triumphant look, like he had won. Won what, I wasn't sure. I didn't want Mulder to ask me that either. I looked at the clock. It was after five, and I didn't have much time left.

"So, do we have a deal?" I asked.

He went behind his desk, and started flipping through a file. Without looking at me he said, "Maybe."

Maybe? I wasn't about to risk this for a maybe. I was willing to risk death but death wasn't the worst-case scenario here. Shit, I thought. I should have never mailed that key. I couldn't believe I was that stupid. I had wasted enough time there. I got up. I heard Skinner telling me to sit down. I ignored him. Any hope I had of making this work was evaporating. I looked at the door Mulder went out of. I wondered if Mulder would do it if I asked. I doubted it, and I didn't have time to find him and explain it. I walked out the front doors, and headed to the elevator. I could still hear Skinner hollering.

I got to the elevator, and turned around. I saw Skinner running towards the elevator, telling me to hold the door. Billy Miles was right behind him. I looked at him. He knew what I was thinking. I was thinking that I just asked for his help, and he decided to fuck me. Well fuck you, Walter. You want to survive, then run for it. I pushed the close button, watched the fear in his eyes, and felt a little better.

He made it. I figured he would. He glared at me when he got inside. Like I cared. What did he expect from slime? I heard a couple of thumps. Then, out of nowhere, this hand came smashing through the elevator, hitting Skinner in the head. I wondered when the hell they got the ability to do that. I didn't do anything for a minute. I just listened. I thought it was gone. I hoped it was gone. I looked down at Skinner, he was hurt, but he'd be fine. I didn't have time to stick around to help, didn't really want to either. I got out of the building, and headed back for my meeting.

When I got back to my room I was glad to find it wasn't there yet. I lay down on the bed and tried to think of something to tell it. It would want to know what I found out. I found out nothing. Not for their purposes, and worse, not even for my own. I didn't want to become one if them. I tried to reassure myself that after I got the controller back I could use it to persuade Skinner to do as I asked, but I didn't know if I had that much time. I got up and got my real gun. Using it on myself now was a very real possibility. If it came down to that, I wasn't even sure I could do it.

I heard the door open. It came in.

"Good you're not late. Come with me, I have some business to attend to. We can talk on the way" Oh and bring your gun."

I felt relieved. If they wanted me to bring my gun, then they must have something for me to do. I still had some time left.

Thankfully, it got in on the driver's side. I didn't feel like playing chauffer. I got in the car and stared out the side window, waiting for it to ask me what I found out. It drove for a while before it said anything.

"We found the Scully Woman."

I nodded, and continued staring out the side window.

"Don't you want to know if we are going to take it or not?"

I was being baited. I could tell, and I wasn't biting. I still didn't look at it, and replied, "I'm sure you'll decide whatever's best."

"We have decided to witness the birth. If the child shows nothing special when it's born we will leave it with its mother, until we feel it's time to take it."

Again, I just nodded, and tried to hide my satisfaction.

"There is, however, an obstacle that we feel needs to be eliminated." I think I heard pleasure in its voice.

That's when I looked at it. I got an awful taste in my mouth. I was pretty sure I knew what was coming next.

It gave me a creepy smile. "We want you to kill Fox Mulder."

I didn't want to do it. I understood why they would want him dead. He'd come between them and Scully's child, but why did I have to do it? I quickly figured it out. They were fucking with me. This was my punishment for helping, and for speaking up this afternoon.

"Why do you want me to kill Mulder? You have things out there that can cut through metal, wouldn't they be a better choice?" As soon as the words came out, I realized that was the worst thing I could've possibly said. The last thing I wanted to do was point out the fact that I was obsolete.

There were times I wondered why I lasted this long. I didn't wonder it often because the alternative was too disturbing. Almost all the others, who were connected some way to the cover up, were either dead or already replicated. I told myself it was because I was useful to them, but that wasn't the real reason. They kept me around for entertainment. I was like a stray pet some sick bastard brought home to torture for his own enjoyment. Sure, I knew a few tricks. Fetch this Alex, guard this Alex, sic him Alex, but it wasn't anything vital that only I could do, convenient maybe, but not vital. The real role I fulfilled for them was giving them pleasure in watching me squirm.

It realized what I said too. It grinned. "It's your choice, Alex."

I glared at it. What fucking choice? Do as we say or we'll send your body to rot alive until you turn into an everlasting obedient slave?

I looked back out the window until we arrived at our destination. It was a large warehouse with no windows and one door at the front narrow part. I saw a car, with a driver inside, parked in front of the door. More cars were lined up behind it, wrapping around the side of the building. We parked at the other side. I prayed it would let me wait in the car.

As usual, my prayers went unanswered.

It got out of the car. "Come along Alex."

At first I didn't move. I felt my gun and thought about just ending it right then. I didn't want to go in there, but what if it tried to stop me? It was stronger than I was, and if it stopped me, there would be no escaping. I'd end up being turned into one of them for certain.

I took my gun, and got out of the car. As we were walking to the door, a woman came out, or at least what was once a woman. She got into the first car, which then drove off and the next car pulled in to take its place. I really didn't want to go in there. It opened the door, and gestured me to go first. It was really enjoying itself. Helpless, I went inside.

When I first got inside, the warehouse looked like a clothing storage place. There were racks and racks of clothes. My heart sank when I saw some of the racks had children's items on it. Then the smell hit me, and the only thing I felt was fear. I started to panic.

I couldn't control myself; I started to back up and said, "I think it would be better if I waited in the car."

It grabbed my arm, "I don't think so Alex, I think it would be better if you waited over here."

I tried to get away. I knew I wasn't going to succeed, but I couldn't stop, instinct took over. It dragged me to the end of the building, past the beds of rotting bodies. I closed my eyes as I passed them but I couldn't hide from the smell. I heard another set of footsteps approaching us.

When it stopped dragging me, I heard it say, "Sit down Alex."

I opened my eyes and saw a bench. The bench was in front of a wall. Next to the wall there was a huge opening, where they had built the showers. There were around twenty showers lined up. Some of the showers still had chucks of rot in them.

It turned me around and pushed me down onto the bench. I saw that another one of those things was standing beside it. I quickly looked down and tired to focus on a spot on the floor. I didn't want to look up.

It stood in front of me and grabbed my hair. It pulled my head up so it was looking at me in the eyes and said, "We have business to take care of. You will keep an eye on things while we're occupied. If I find out that you moved from this bench while I'm gone, one of these beds will have your name on it. Understand?"

I couldn't speak. I just nodded. It let go, adding enough of a push that my head hit the wall.

I tried to go back to focusing on a spot on the floor, but it wasn't going to give me that comfort.

"You can't very well keep an eye on the place looking at the floor can you?"

I knew it would stand there until I obeyed, or worse, it would stick me in one of those beds if I didn't obey. I tried to swallow my fear, and looked up. It and the other thing walked away, but that was little comfort now that I was actually looking at the place.

There must have been at least a hundred beds. Some were empty, but most still held rotting bodies in it. Bodies that were not dead. They weren't even covered. They were just lying there naked, decay all over them. That could be me lying there in a short while. I wanted to look away, but I was paralyzed. I couldn't move.

One of them got up. I think I whimpered. Its face was blank; it just started walking toward the showers, and towards me. I managed to close my eyes, but I could still hear its footsteps, and the smell was still just as bad as when I first got here. I heard it pass by me, and go into the showers. Then I heard water running, and these horrible splats. Splat after splat, it shed its decay, and then the shower stopped.

I heard it pass by me again. I opened my eyes wanting to make sure it was leaving. It was. Having finished its transformation it walked away, forever obedient, forever loyal: forever trapped.

I wasn't going to turn out like that. I saw three more of them get up. Just like the other one, they immediately started walking towards the showers. I clutched my gun. Death would be better than this. They passed by me and into the showers. I heard water running again, and then those awful splats. Like a waking nightmare, I pictured myself doing that same routine. Body rotten, but not dead. Before the showers stopped, two more got up. I raised my gun to my head. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and counted to three.

I couldn't do it. I wanted to, my mind was screaming at me to do it, but my fingers wouldn't pull the trigger. I tried to collect myself, and attempted it again.

One. Two. Three.

I still couldn't do it. Fuck, I was a coward. At that moment, fear was the only emotion stronger than the hate I felt for myself. I leaned my head back against the wall. My face was wet, I didn't know if it was sweat or tears. I felt fucking useless. I was going to end up as the thing I feared most because I didn't have the balls to do myself in. I wasn't like Mulder. I didn't have anyone who would save me. They would stick that virus in me, and nothing would stop it from running its course.

More had gotten up. The showers were ongoing now, so were the sounds of decaying flesh hitting the floor. The sound was almost worse than the smell. I brought my legs up to my chest and placed my arm on my knees. I used my hand to cover my left ear and buried the other ear in my arm, right below my shoulder. I closed my eyes and sat there like that, pitifully, waiting for it to return.

It left me there for hours. I wasn't sure how long, but when it finally returned, all the beds were empty.

It looked at me sitting there, all curled up, and grinned. "Come on Alex, time to go to work."

I got up and followed it back to the car. I felt empty. It was hard to believe that less than a day ago, I was actually optimistic that I might get out of this. There was no way out, not for me at least. I couldn't escape, the only thing I could do was buy myself time. In this case, I was about to buy it with Mulder's life.

It threw me the keys and said, "We need to go to the FBI building."

This time I was thankful to drive. Concentrating on the road gave me a distraction from what I was about to do.

When we got to the FBI parking lot, it told me to park on the second level.

After I turned off the car, it gave me my orders, "Mulder is here. Find him and shoot him."

I nodded. There was nothing to say.

"Don't fuck this up Alex, this time we will be watching. Remember, we cleared out a lot of beds tonight, we have plenty of room to strap you into one."

I felt a lump in my throat. I swallowed it and nodded again. It continued to speak, "I have matters to attend to inside. It would be nice if you finished this before I am done."

Finally, it got out of the car, and went inside. I sat there for a while, trying to prepare myself for what I was about to do. Just this morning, Mulder swallowed his pride, and asked for my help. Now, I was going betray him, again. I wished he had hit me instead.

I got out of the car and looked around. I saw Mulder almost immediately. He was sitting in the passenger side of a car, talking on the phone. It said they would be watching. I wondered where they were.

I walked up to the car, smashed the side window, grabbed his phone and smashed it to the ground. I told him to get out of the car. He did. This was going to be harder than I thought. I could see the anger in his face but he was not surprised. It was as if he expected this.

I felt like I should say something, although I didn't know what. All that came out was, "Doesn't seem fair now. Doesn't seem right. Coming down to this."

"What do you know about fair or right, Krycek? You're a coward. "

He was right, I was, but he didn't know what would happen to me if I failed. I heard its voice inside my head. "You better not fuck this one up Alex."

He walked around the car so we were standing face to face.

I kept trying to explain to him. I wanted him to understand, but nothing I said mattered. He didn't believe me, of course he didn't believe me, why would he? Still, I kept talking, delaying the job I was sent to do.

"You want to kill me, Alex, kill me. Like you killed my father. Just don't insult me trying to make me understand."

It was pointless. He didn't care what I had to say. I 'd betrayed him for the last time. He would never care what I had to say again, but I still couldn't shoot. My fingers were as frozen as they were when I put the gun to my own head. I kept thinking it couldn't end like this. It felt so wrong. I didn't want to do this.

"Remember, we cleared out a lot of beds tonight, we have plenty of room to strap you into one"

I just stood there, praying that I would find a way out of this. That something would happen that would stop this nightmare.

This time, surprisingly, my prayers were answered.

I heard a shot, and felt the pain in my arm. I dropped my gun, and fell down. When I looked up, I saw Skinner there. He was holding the gun I'd given him earlier. The pain was intense though. I wasn't sure if he switched the bullets. I had tested the bullets, but not on myself. Again, I was paying the price for my cowardice. I didn't care, I was ready to welcome death, but he needed to shoot me in the head. I reached for my gun, hoping it would give him the opportunity to finish me off, but the bastard shot me in the arm again. Fuck, it hurt. He had to kill me now. My sole arm was useless, I was useless. There would be no escaping that bed if I lived.

I pushed my gun towards him, and reminded him about the controller, "It's going to take more bullets than you can ever fire to win this game. But one bullet and I can give you a thousand lives."

"This time we will be watching"

I looked up and said, "Shoot Mulder"

Then Skinner fired. He shot me, just like I asked him, right in the head.

I fell to the ground. I didn't die instantly like I thought I would, and I wasn't in as much pain as I thought I'd be in. I didn't know if it was because Skinner used the right bullets, or if it was normal to take that long to die. I heard Mulder say something, and Skinner telling him he would get me. I just lay there. I knew they were watching. Mulder drove off. I heard Skinner walk away, and then I heard another set of footsteps.

I didn't move. I didn't breath. The footsteps came closer, stopped, then turned around and walked away. I had done it. I was free.

It's been three months now since my death. Skinner never switched any of the bullets. Bastard shot me in the arm just to see me suffer. True to his word, he did "get" me, just like he told Mulder he would. Left me lying there waiting for a while though. In the end, I think he was just as scared of having me become a replicant as I was.

He got me to a doctor I knew of, and I haven't seen him since. The doctor specialized in treating people like me who couldn't get real medical attention. I 'd seen him before, never really liked him though, which was good. It made killing him after I got better that much easier.

I'm now living in the middle of nowhere. The place is kind of similar to the one I found the old man in, several years ago. I'm nobody here, completely out of the loop and I love it. I have no phone, no TV, no computer, nothing that can connect me to the outside world. I simply don't want to know.

I can't say I found total freedom. I doubt I ever will. I have nightmares every night and sometimes during the day. Often they're about the replicants and the end of the world, but some of them are about Mulder. I think Mulder is my biggest regret. Even though I said I don't believe he's our savior, it's hard to completely kill that legend. There's a little voice in the back of my head telling me he needs me to stop the invasion, and that by turning my back on all of this I've failed him. I choose to ignore that voice, for now at least.