Our office was quiet
Our phone did not ring
So we sat at my desk
Eating Ring-Dings.
I sat there with Scully
She was taking small sips
From her carton of milk
And I was watching her lips.
I must have been staring
Because her eyes flashed ice blue
"You better quit staring, Mulder,
You *know* I will hurt you."
"Sorry," I told her
"I guess I'm just bored
I miss our great cases..."
And Scully said, "Oh, Lord!!!"
"No mutants, Mulder!
No man-eating snakes!
No creepies or crawlies!
And no walking fish-bait!"
"I don't miss the aliens
Or the conspiracies either
I, for one," she said,
"Am glad for a breather!!"
"But I do not like it," I said
"Not one little bit
All I do is sit, sit, sit...
I'm tired of this shit!"
But then we heard a noise
It was outside the door
A noise kind of scary;
We've never heard it before.
Then Scully jumped up
(She was quicker than me)
She pulled out her gun
And clicked off the safety.
"You at the door!" she yelled
"Come in--do it slowly!
Make any sudden moves
And I'll shoot off your knees!"
We looked!
We saw him step in, then he sat.
We looked!
And we saw him!
The Rat (Boy) in the Hat!
And he said to me,
"Why do you sit there like that?"
He was wearing black leather
And a blue baseball cap
He had only one arm
It was Krycek, The Rat!
"You killed my father!" I yelled
"And Duane Barry, too!
You're a pain in the ass
And you kissed me, ewwww!"
"Shut up!"
The Rat spat.
"Shut up!"
said The Rat (Boy) in the Hat.
"I came for her..."
said The Rat, his voice flat.
And he pointed
To where Scully sat.
"Oooohh....for me?" she cooed
"You're so nicely tanned
God, you're so handsome up close!
I'd like a man with one hand!"
"And I loooove black leather
Russian sure turns me on
So I really don't care
You're the Consortium's pawn."
"I can ignore Duane Barry
And that Piper Maru
Why, I can even forget
That blonde bimbo, too!"
"You're really quite handsome
You'll do, I suppose
And you're *much* better looking
Than Mulder, The Nose."
She said, "So what shall we do?
You know, I haven't a clue
This is all so brand-new
I may need a walk-through!"
"We could eat some fondue
You can see my tattoo
Though I'd much rather pursue
A down-dirty skiddoo!"
"I know some good games we could play,"
whispered The Rat
"I know some new tricks,"
teased The Rat in the blue baseball cap
"A *lot* of good tricks,
I will show them to you
Your Mulder
Will not mind at all if I do."
But I said, "No! No!
Make The Rat go away!
Tell that Rat in the Hat
You do *not* want to...um...play!
*We* belong together!
Not you and The Rat!
Don't you agree
To Love and all that?"
"What?!!!"
yelled Scully, clenching her fist
"What did you say?!!!"
asked Scully, quite pissed.
"NOW you mention
True love and bliss?
When up until now
It's been quickly dismissed?"
"Five years as partners
As close as can be
And not once the whole time
Have you come on to me?"
"Oh, I've heard the one-liners
And the humorous quips
But your heart wasn't into
A true relationship."
"Do you love me, Mulder?
I sure have my doubts
Perhaps it's about time
We get all of this out!!!"
"Must I follow you blindly
As you go on your quest?
Your sister, Samantha,
Aliens, and the rest?"
"All the times that you ditched me
And left me alone
Never once did you call me;
Remember cell phones?"
"And did you ever support me
In the mysteries I believed?
What, if I don't follow you
Then *I* must be deceived?"
"Your bad reputation
Has reflected on me!
I take the raps
And you go scot-free!"
"I'm tired of this, Mulder
Now I have a good chance
To be with a lover
And get some romance."
"So, he's a Rat!
Though he's got problems too,
He's a hell of a lot less
Complicated than you!"
"Y'know, while I'm at it,
I will go all the way!
There's just a few things
More I should say!"
"I'm sick of your sister!
I hate all your ties!
Your hair looks so stupid!
And I hate hazel eyes!"
"Always dropping your gun
You run like a duck
You fight like a wimp
And your marksmanship sucks!"
"You whine too damn much
You're so sensitive, ooh!
And now due to you
*I* have no life, too!"
"So I'm leaving with RatBoy
I'm not guilty at all
If we're not busy later
Maybe I'll call."
"My rant is now finished
I touched my Inner Bitch
This, my dear Mulder,
Is the *ULTIMATE* ditch!"
I looked right at Scully
And didn't know what to say
After five years together
It was ending this way!
But she said nothing else
She went through the door
Then RatBoy turned back
To say something more.
"Mulder," he said,
"Don't feel too bad!
She has the better man!
I wouldn't be sad!"
"I'll take care of her," he said
"Her every want and need
Anything she requests
Her desires I'll exceed.
I'll buy her nice gifts
Like diamonds of blue
And we'll do things together
She'd never thought she'd do.
We'll have lots of fun,"
said The Rat, quite enthralled,
"But that is not all....
Oh, no....
That is *not* all!!!!"
The Rat laughed as he left
Through the door he had flown
My Scully was gone
So I sat down, alone.
The office was quiet
The phone did not ring
So I sat by myself
And ate her Ring-Ding.
I should have done something...
Did I hesitate?
Nah, forget it, I thought
It was already too late.
Maybe The Rat
In the blue baseball cap
Maybe The Rat in the Hat
Will bring Scully back!
Yeah, that's it!
I'll be calm and composed
Then I'll punch that Rat bastard
Square in the nose!
What should I do
Until she returns?
*Now* what should I do?
Well....
What would *you* do
If your Scully left you?
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