Scully's Letter

My Dear Young Friend,

After exchanging a few words with you the other day I felt compelled to write this. To let you know that your problems are not so unheard of or unsolvable.

When you told me of the alter ego you needed to create - To insulate yourself from the testosterone poisoning of those you work with - I almost laughed.

Which would have been inappropriate given the situation. So instead a self-depreciating smile and a few sisterly words of wisdom had to suffice.

All the while thinking to myself 'If you only knew...'

Which is why I suppose I'm writing this to you now. So you can see how I've come to deal with the similar challenges as they are thrown at me. Just another working woman in a man's world.

You've met my partner Agent Mulder. You've seen his child-like petulant behavior. What you did not see is how wonderful a partner and person he is. Why I am so devoted to him. He has been my friend and the major influence on my life for the last decade.

However...Sometimes a friend and co-worker is not enough.

I too needed a release from the burdens of being the 'Token Female'. It's difficult knowing that you are lusted after - not because you are sexy or smart or even admired, but just because you are the only body without a penis - which makes them want you.

Though it may seem to the outsider to be the ideal situation for an ego boost, to have all these men (boys really) fantasize about you. We know differently.

So I'm going to let you in on a secrete. The solution to our problem - or mine anyway.

I have an alter ego as well...

Her name is Dana - my first name. Yes she is me. I harbor no illusions of her being some six foot Xena look alike. Dana fills all the holes in my existence that 'Agent Scully' never could.

You see for the last decade I've come to be known only as 'Scully'. That is the term my partner uses. We have been so single minded in our quest that I let myself morph in to simply 'Scully' his image of me. The partner, the friend, the pal who could always be counted on.

Scully loves Mulder but never has sexual urges. She trusts only him and needs nothing from him. She is satisfied without passion or lust because every atom is devoted to him and our work together.

This was enough for more years than I care to admit. However like you I eventually needed an 'out'. A way to be the woman I could not show my partner.

I call her Dana.

Dana was not brought out by me. I might have gone on indefinitely repressing my more feminine and sexual side. Until someone unexpected appeared at my doorstep. No wait that's the wrong way to phrase that, he did not show up at my doorstep like any normal suitor might. No no no... He broke in to my apartment one night and scared me half to death by sneaking up on me with a gun when I was soaking in a bubble bath. But that's another story...

Krycek brought with him the promise to unleash what I thought had been buried past all conscious thought. The ability to be a wanton. To be lusty and selfish without fear.

He is Mulder and Scully's most hated enemy. Especially Mulder's. Krycek has lied and betrayed Mulder countless times, he was involved in the murder of Mulder's father and basically stands for everything law abiding citizens should fear and despise.

I hate him. There is no question of this.

Yet he is my lover. When he came to me that first night I fought him. Hated him for everything he'd done and ignored his explanations as to his being a pawn of the same men we fought. I refused believe anything he said. So he decided to show me instead. I can only think of two words can describe that experience Hoo-Boy!!!

Krycek way the evil son of a Mulder and Scully would kill without a second thought.

So what was it about him that made me sob in ecstasy rather than agony when shoved me against a wall and proceeded to work his very talented tongue into my mouth? I don't know.

I thought about biting him hard enough to make him choke on his own blood. Part of me wanted to. The other part moaned in to his mouth and decided to kill him later.

We are both battle-scarred and jaded from a fight only a select few even know exists - but never mind that. Suffice it to say the secrecy of your precious 'Game' pales in comparison to the secretes these men keep. And Alex Krycek is not on my side. I'm never sure who he is working for, but it is not the 'Good Guys', as I like to think of us as being.

I didn't understand it at the time, but I think Krycek was looking for an alter ego as well.

Alex seduced me with the impossibility of the entire situation.

Much like the possibility of being an amazon stripper with no morals to speak of seemed impossible to you.

I thought he was insane, perhaps insanity is contagious.

Or perhaps he is the one thing, which has kept me sane through all of the impossible situations I've seen.

Strange how Alex's teeth marks on my thighs make me feel real and grounded - his leaving dental records in the carnal bruises as he loses control reminds that who I am is not dictated by my job.

He keeps me assured of my place as a lover and a fighter. I find this especially helpful when my errant partner ditches me whenever he wants. I'm sure he convinces himself it's because it's 'too dangerous' or some other such self centered bull shit. This is particularly insulting since I have pulled his ass out of the fire with embarrassing frequency.

Knowing that Alex Krycek - the deadliest enemy I've ever known is a slave to out passions - admittedly as much of a slave as I am, is unbelievably empowering. Knowing that he is so addicted to our unique chemistry that he risks being caught every time he sees me - this is how I keep my strength.

We hold a power over these men, most will not allow themselves to admit they want us in the light of day. Easier to act out shameless fantasies. But the truth is much more powerful. The do want us. Only the ballsy ones will admit it.

I recommend you make an 'Official' trip to a competitors company soon. Seduce one of the top-level anaylists and programmers. An intellectual seduction naturally, this is the most potent kind. Smart is Sexy never forget that.

Alex once let me know exactly how much power I did hold. He admitted he had been assigned surveillance duty on Mulder's apartment (once again it's better that you don't ask too many questions about this kind of thing. Just know it did not surprise me at all)

What did surprise me is how many hours of footage included Mulder 'Getting his Ya Ya's off' while yelling, gasping, screaming, cursing and groaning my name.

Almost every time - with the exception of when he is unable to speak at all - he has the word 'Scully' on his lips.

Alex knew he was taking a chance showing me those tapes.... And perhaps if Mulder had called out 'Dana' in any of those moments I'd have leapt out of bed with Alex and in to Mulder's arms.

No I realize that I will never be 'Dana' to Mulder, I don't think I'd even want to be anymore. His obsession is the x-files and everything associated with them, this includes me. Agent Scully.

Mulder is the one who has helped me renounce my Christian name in favor of a title as unisex as his. I have become the ideal counterpoint to his believer and we are yin and yang in that way... But sex with Mulder now would kill any chance of being Dana. I would be consumed by the image of what Mulder wants me to be.

Thank god Alex saved me from trying to be Mulders lover. Because eventually I think I would have tried.

Perhaps one day in the far off future Mulder will know the other side of Scully, I would like him to meet Dana. For now he only lets himself lust after Scully, and until recently I never would have thought he was missing anything by doing so.

We are so much more than the sum total of our jobs. If this letter has any impact on you at all let this be what you remember.

Alex worships me as Dana, the woman who can bring him salvation damnation on a whim. We are perfect adversaries and lovers. The thief and the fed. Wanton and Ravisher.

Hiding from everyone but each other. He owns my body and I his soul. We keep each other sane and pure.

Mulder.... My friend and partner, so much more than a lover could ever be. We have seen each other through every crisis in the past decade. Yet Still...

I think he would kill me if he knew. I know he would kill Krycek. The act of what he would consider a personal betrayal would be too much for his fragile ego to handle.

Yet I cannot make myself regret these actions. Knowing the fierce demands of Alex's body above mine - erasing everything but the sensation of his hard sweat slick skin against my body.

It is not a betrayal of Mulder, because that part of me does not belong to him. Mulder wants so much of me. Requires so much attention. Alex is my reminder that I can have my own needs fulfilled as well.

I'm able to be Mulder's saint - to heal him, comfort him and save him without asking anything in return.

Alex is a lone wolf - he can take care of himself. He will not ask for anything except his name on my lips when I come. It's a wonderful change.

This is the way to make it through the male ego infested every day working world.

Keep in mind the passion of a man who will do anything to posses you.

Then go to work with the 'other' men in your life knowing that however much they desire you, you don't need anything from them. You are spoken for -

By YOU. Not the man who shares your heart, bed, or mind.

We hold a power over them. One which exists whether we choose to admit it or not. The only choice is - Are you going to use it? Or keep playing dress up with computer dolls hoping to find empowerment behind a monitor.

Real life is much more enjoyable. Take a chance.

I'll close this personal advice column now. My lover is just waking from his nap, and watching his hard sleek form stretch like a lazy cat as he gets up is a beautiful sight.

Must follow my own words of wisdom..... I hope you do too.

Sincerely,

Dana Scully

Authors Misc. Rantings: Hello everyone, Just wanted to let you know this has taken mind of it's own so it's now a trilogy. I'm moving in to NC-17 territory with the back story on how this strange little affair started. The gun & bubble bath scene in detail : )

Thanks to Kerry for a great quick beta read - punctuation?!? What's that?